My name is Will,
and this... is my office.
You've seen us before.
A sea of glowing screens
attached to your coffee shop like barnacles.
Or... maybe you're one of us, and you understand
we're not here to be different
we're here to survive.
I manage a website for an electronics company.
Mainly updating driver downloads,
integrating advertising revenue
with product-specific pla-
But, I do have a job, so...
I guess I shouldn't complain.
When I got laid off from my office job a year ago,
I tried working at home...
But roommates can make that difficult.
-I have fucking aids!
Aaaiiiddss!
- So, I come here... Coffee Town.
Though, it wasn't always called that.
A local businessman, Morris Brown,
wanted to starts a chain of coffee stores
and since coffee is brown...
he came up with the ingenious name
Brown Town,
which some took the wrong way.
So, it became... Coffee Town.
And it works for me because,
unlike some people in this world...
- Do you have another card, maybe?
- I live within my means.
- Next?
I drive a 1998 Saturn.
I used to have one of these.
I buy clothes at estate sales.
- That was his church... coat...
- I get my hair cut at a cosmetology school.
- No...
...lose yourself. Don't be afraid to fail.
-Uuh...
And... I use a coffee shop as my office,
which I love.
It's three blocks from my house, has comfortable chairs,
and, most importantly,..
people that are bigger losers than me.
- Where's your dial-up connection?
- But, like any office, there are rules to surviving
and they have to be followed.
The main rule? Always be drinking.
If you stop drinking, you stop being a customer.
And the reason I have to play by the rules... is this guy.
Sam.
He sees people me as parasites,
squatters in his house of free wi-fi.
- What'll it be, sir?
- He knows.
Medium drip... lightly sweetened...
Sometimes I let him write it all down.
Then I change it up.
With whole... milk.
I win.
Now I just have to find a way to drink milk
without shitting my pants.
Another up-side of having a coffee shop as your office
is your friends can drop by and hang out whenever they want.
This is Chad.
We've been friends since high school.
- Mmm... mmm, cawamel...
I like... cawamel.
Mmmh... mmm
mmh...
- He works in the building across the street
and visits during his company-sanctioned smoke breaks...
even though he doesn't smoke.
- Coffee Town...
It's amazing that black people got mad about Brown Town.
I mean, if 'brown town' meant them, that would mean it's they're town.
Right? Isn't that what you want?
Your own town? Just for you?
I mean, that's like havin' a... a...
- Water fountain? Just for you?
-You're making fun of me.
- Oh no, no, no. You pretty much take care of that on your own.
- Well, guess what.
I don't think that whole water fountain thing is racist either.
- See?
- You have a water fountain just for yourself.
Everywhere you go, there's two water fountains.
Now, sure, it's wrong if, like, the black person water fountain is like...
rusty, or something like that.
But if it's just as good as the white person water fountain...
That's more water fountains.
It keeps the crowds down!
- The water fountain crowds?
- I've stood in line at a water fountain before.
- No you haven't. - I know.
Because black people don't like water fountains.
- What?
- Africa...
... is a desert continent.
- That's crazy... it's... crazy.
- I am all for civil rights. I'm like the number one civil rights guy.
But, let's be real.
Since the civil rights era...
there's half as many water fountains.
Fact.
- More often than not, we're joined by our friend, Gino.
- Gino
- Who became a police officer solely to hook up with women.
Which he's far more skilled at than, you know, stopping crime.
-Can I get a coffee? -Sure.
- Hey, you're new here, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah, well, keep your head down.
There've been some drive-by shootings in the area
and I'd hate to see that pretty face of yours gettin' blown off.
- Oh my god.
- Gino's theory is that fear stimulates women more than flirtation.
- It's on the house. - Look me in the eyes.
You're welcome.
- You're welcome.
- And as far as I can tell... he seems to be right.
- You guys saw that, right?
Cop talk never fails.
- Aw yeah!
- I'm just glad you didn't use the serial rapist on the loose story.
- What, are you nuts? That's my closer.
You open with that and they associate you with rape.
And not the good kind.
- What? - What?
- Hey, so was that drive-by shooting thing bullshit?
- That actually was real, my friend.
Guy got plugged over in Norwich outta nowhere.
This whole town is going to shit.
- Yeah, because you're in charge of protecting it.
You know, at the academy, when they asked me if I ever did drugs
I said "no" to a detective, and he took my word for it!
I've sold drugs.
- I can't believe you can shoot people.
- Oh, I can, Will.
I could shoot anybody I want. - Oh!
All units, all units.
Possible break-in at Beatty Towers. Back-up units requested.
- One sugar's never enough.
You know what I mean? They should make the packets huge.
Officer down! Officer down!
- You gonna get that? - No, it's so far away.
- Is the volume bothering you?
I should have been a cop. There's literally no down-side.
- Yeah, totally. I mean, except dying.
- I'd welcome that...
Chad works for an industrial lighting company
where employees sell expensive L.E.D. lighting systems
while sitting underneath the cheap fluorescent bulbs
they're competing against.
- Fuuuck you!
- That happens about once a week.
- You lose a sale, Roger?
- Hey, check this guy out right here.
He comes in here every single day
and he wants to tip Sam,
but Sam doesn't wanna acknowledge the tip.
Okay, watch. He's gonna go to give Sam a tip and
no, no. See Sam doesn't want to acknowledge the tip!
But this guy wants him to acknowledge the tip.
Sam will probably look back at- yep, see.
And Sam turns around again.
And the other guy just walks off, he doesn't tip Sam,
and then Sam looks at the jar, and he can tell by sight
that nothing's been put in there.
- Asshole.
- It's like a tiny little ballet. - Mm hmm.
- He should do those jellybean in a jar contests
and get rich!
- I wouldn't acknowledge a tip either.
Someone throwing their spare change at you like you're a hobo?
How humiliating is that?
- Whoa! Here comes your girl!
- She stops by every day after the gym.
Stunning, graceful.
A perfect, sweaty angel.
- Hi. - Hey.
- What can I get you? - Soy latte, please.
Hey! - What?
- Shit. - He works in a coffee shop.
Not a threat.
- He's in a band. - Threat.
- Daily grind of coffee, daily grind of rock 'n' roll.
You know what I mean?
- What's her name?
- Becca.
Oh...
She just saw me mouth her name.
- Yeah, that's a tell.
- Soy latte?
- Oh. - Hey, I got that.
Yyeaah!
That is for you.
- Just go over there and talk to her.
I'm sick of watching you drool over her every day.
- I would love to talk to her, Chad,
but she always comes in here wearing work-out clothes.
You can't make a move on a girl in work-out clothes
without comin' off like a douche.
Hey there, I could not help but notice your body being displayed
and I was wondering... if I could have sex with it.
Aaah!
- Alright... I'm givin' her a brush-by.
Police privilege.
- Oh no, please don't do that.
- Oh please, I will do that. It's for you, okay?
Athletic wear is very misleading.
You don't know what's firm underneath that.
- I don't need to know.
- Yeah, well no I need to know.
Excuse me.
- Oh... Thanks for all your hard work.
- Just tryin' to keep you safe.
- No, plea- please d- plea-
- So firm!
- Why are we friends with him?
- He's got a good heart.
Is he parked in two handicapped spots?
I should get back to the office.
- Yep.
Me too.
I wouldn't say a coffee shop is the perfect office...
but I'll admit, it means something to me.
In a world that lets me feel joy just long enough to taste it
then somehow finds a way to cruelly yank it away,
So, I continue to go there, even though my apartment
is now mine, alone...
shared only by the belongings
of my recently deceased roommate,
whom I think about a lot.
Sometimes too much.
I thought his family would come and collect his things,
but I think after the funeral...
...they preferred to avoid me.
I just feel th-
...um...
C'mon.
Come on...
Come,
I guess the sad truth is
Coffee Town is the only place I really feel comfortable.
- Enjoy.
- Medium drip, lightly sweetened, light soy.
- Name?
- Willllinton Zegonda-Georgington Zybl-
Junior.
- Did I spell that right?
- You just drew a penis.
- Next in line?
- Another attempt to squeeze people like me out
Tryin' to make every piss cost a quarter.
But, as it doesn't specify 'quarter'
there's no reason I can't use Pizza Castle tokens...
Turn over. Oh yeah.
... which I harvest by the hundreds.
That is what I need!
Oh yeah!
- You here with a kid?
- Yeah... yes.
- Gary, why don't you, uh, meet me down at the ball pit.
We've a pervert situation here.
Gary, the pervert's on the run. The pervert's on the run, he's--
- move!
- Green tea for Molly.
Medium drip for... Penis Drawing
- Hey. - Hey!
- So, you didn't get in early enough for the big table, huh?
- No, I did. It's just technically for the disabled,
so sometimes you gotta give it up.
Lucky bastard... Right near an outlet.
-So get this. Yesterday, my boss says to me
that my teeth don't look like any smoker he's ever seen... Huh?
Hey... Are you listening?
- Yes, I'm listening.
It's weird that your boss was looking at your teeth.
-Wait, no, he's not a homo.
He just thinks I'm full of shit and he's tryin' to flush me out.
- Technically, Chad, you are full of shit.
- Yeah, I know.
But we're talking about five ten-minute breaks every day
sanctioned by the boss, because he smokes, alright?
I'm not gonna miss out on that.
So...
I've gotta start smoking
- Ooh... - For real.
- You know, they say
starting smoking is one of the toughest things you can do.
- You know what the worst part's gonna be?
- Cancer?
- Buying the things.
It's worse than buying condoms, alright?
You can't turn a cigarette inside-out and smoke it again.
- Wait, what?
- I r- I rinse it out!
- Chad, I'll give you condoms.
- Ooooh boy.
- Yo. - Hey, what's goin' on?
- I dunno.
- Check this out. Ah you're gonna love this.
- What do we got?
- Oh, what do I got... what don't I got? Boom!
- Oh! - The evidence room is a joke.
That, my friends, is an ivory handle.
- Does that have... blood on the blade?
- Probably.
- They're gonna think there's a murder going on in here.
- Because of that little amount of blood? Chad...
- Forensics? - You're an idiot.
- Let me show you, over here,
is where I'm thinkin' we can put the taps.
- Hey, guys, guys guys...
That's Morris Brown.
He owns this entire chain.
- Oh, wow!
- Droppin' by to get his ass kissed, I like that.
- I- I really think that this is your best bet.
I mean, they might call it Coffee Town, but I call it...
... Coffee Home.
- I don't... think they're just here for a visit.
They're checkin' everything out.
- Ah! And here's my coffee wife,
hehe, right over here.
Not... not really,
I mean, I don't have sex with her... or anything.
I mean not that... you don't deserve it, but..
- Ugh. - Alright...
uh, let me show you the bathroom.
- It's awesome.
- You think this place is up for remodel?
- Maybe...
- You think they're gonna get rid of these chairs?
I'm sick of having all beanbags.
- Told you you'd regret that. - I do.
Biggest mistake of my life.
- Even bigger than that haircut?
- Oh, hey, Sam, Sam, Sam,
c'mere... C'mon, dude, c'mere.
Come here.
What's the owner doing here?
- Ah, well, see, they are...
converting one of the locations to a bistro lounge.
Serve alcohol and stuff.
More of a social atmosphere as opposed to a place where
dick-heads can leech off our resources
for six dollars a day.
- Fuck.
- I like the idea!
- What do you mean you like the idea?
This is my office! I have to work here!
- You don't have to work here.
- Yes I do. This is the only place within walking distance,
has free wireless, outdoor seating...
... printing station...
- There's a printing station?
- Yeah, you get Nathan a muffin
- I would never give that guy a muffin.
- This place is like my home!
- Calm down, there's a million Coffee Towns.
How do you know they're gonna pick this place?
- Because this is the best one, Gino.
They're gonna see that.
- The one in Albertson's is nice!
- You know, I don't think they're gonna pick one
that's in a grocery store, Chad.
- They probably won't. - Yeah.
- Ah, dammit.
They're gonna turn my office into a T.G.I. Fridays.
Oh god.
- Oh ho, that's not gonna help your cause.
- Becca!
Beautiful Becca.
Nice to see you... as always! Always great, uh...
- Morris Brown is totally checking her out.
- Uh, I can get that kinda clientele here.
- Morris is gonna think this is the place for the bistro.
Cuz you got a-- - We got it, Chad.
- I'm just explaining... - Yeah, a lot.
- Ah, what is that? Oh hey! Wait a minute.
We have, uh... we meaning my band Mr. and Mrs. Williams...
- Oh no.
- What is that?
- His demo CD.
- Aw, shit just got real, my friend.
- It's what I do, I put my heart into the... into the...
the stories are- are where it comes from.
- He's going in via the artist's entrance. And do you see this?
Do you see this right now?
He is pointing to the song that she'll think is about her.
This dude is good. That is a veteran move.
- I'm not gonna say it's about you,
and I'm not gonna say that it is not about you... cuz...
- Aw, Sam. - That's how I work.
- Nobody's ever written a song about me before.
- I mean it's- it- may not be...
- Thanks.
- He's a dick.
- I got news for you, friend. He's not.
- What do you mean? You don't know him.
- This is what I do know, okay?
I went into that bathroom right there a couple days ago
and took a very adult shit. Laid some very heavy skid-marks.
When he leaves, I go back in to wash my hands.
- Wait, wait wait.
You don't wash your hands the first time?
- Of course not.
Dries out my skin... But...
my thumb stunk a lot...
I think I clipped asshole.
Regardless, I get back in there,
all of the streaks... totally off.
That guy pissed em off the porcelain.
That says a lot about a man.
- You know what he is? He's a poop-chipper.
- Chad, you nailed it, dude.
Dude is a poop-chipper. - A what?
- What? He just said 'what'. - What.
- Tell him what it is.
I'll take it from here.
There are two types of guys in this world, right?
Those who use their own urine to chip away someone else's poop,
for the greater good,
and those who do not.
- I don't even chip my own poop at home.
- It's weird to say that. Okay?
And that, my friend, right there, we are looking at
is a poop-chipper...
... who is in a band...
You should be nervous.
- I gotta make my move! - You sure do.
- Yeah, especially before they turn this place into a bistro lounge,
because a girl like that, she's not gonna come in here,
all sweaty and naked,
when people are, you know, sittin' in tuxedos, sippin' wine.
Uh uh uh.
- Have you ever been to a bistro before?
- No. I'm gonna go to this one, though. - Right.
- Do you think the cover charge is gonna be high?
- Aw man.
- God, if this place converts
I'm gonna lose everything...
my office, my girl...
- All the things you don't actually have?
- Heh heh.
If you want to approach a girl who's not on your playing field,
you have to meet her on hers. Look at that.
You gotta get yourself some work-out wear.
- Or be super sweaty.
- I'd stick with the work-out wear.
- Either way works. - Except one of em.
- Okay. No, you're right. I gotta try that.
I'm gonna try that.
- Fuck!
- Hey, Matthews!
- Hey Mr. Ryan. Just comin' here to get my fix.
- No wonder I never see you in the courtyard,
you sneak over here for a smoke.
- Yeah, I just find it more peaceful.
- Hey.
- I'll- I'll see you back at the office.
- Yeah.
- It's on the house, right? Yeah.
- C'mon Phil. You don't even have a cord.
- Phil, get outta here.
- This guy... - Phil!
- Oh, ooh, ooh!
Fish on!
Seems like a nice dude, right?
I think I could live with this guy.
- Okay, calm down, he hasn't even taken a tab yet.
- Yeah, no, you're right, you're right.
He might just be lookin' at the missing dog flyer.
- He'd be wasting his time.
I found that dog last week.
- Come on... c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
Oh, wait. - Look at this! Boom!
- I got him. He's mine.
- I think... is he- is he dialing now?
Oh shit. - Oh.
- Hello?
- Hi, I was just calling about the room for rent.
- Yes, uh, the room is available and-- - Mm hmm?
- Uuuuuh... you can have it, if you want to,
because... I mean...
Yes, I'm sitting right here. Hehehe...
- I'm standing right here.
- That's the living room. - Okay.
- And uh, your bedroom's gonna be right through here,
and this is gonna be the... bath... room...
You know what? Actually, I will meet you in there.
Uh, and I'm just gonna do... something.
Something being removing the last traces of my previous roommate.
So... yeah. It's just a futon in here right now,
but you're welcome to move a bed in if you'd like.
- Naw, it's okay, I don't even sleep.
- You... you don't... sleep? - Mm mm...
I have a neurological disorder that prevents me from sleeping.
- Really? Wow.
How do you deal with something like that?
- I do exercises to simulate rapid eye movement.
Sort-of like this guy.
This kinda reminds me of me.
Thank you...
... It's gonna be fun staying awake here.
- Nice.
Well, what are you doin' now?
- Exercising.
- Oh no, no, no!
- What?
- Are you serious!? - What?
- What are you wea- w- what is this!?
- Work-out clothes!
- Work-out clothes!? - This was your idea!
- But sleeveless!?
- Oh, c-- - You're not Rafael Nadal,
you're barely Jim Courier!
- Hey, hey, man, this is all I have, okay?
- Aw hey, ya know, maybe you should open up the arm holes a little bit,
show off those sweet nipples ya got.
- Hey, you said, you said make it look like we have something in common,
and this is what I'm--
- Not that you wear the same size!
- Ey, I've seen you shirtless too, everything's drooping down.
It's like the Earth is trying to suck you back in.
- I'm a cop, I don't have to be in shape.
I'm never gonna run faster than a bullet.
Get me somethin'.
- After you. - Thanks.
- Really?
- Hi. - Hey.
- Okay...
- Sam, we've got an office list.
- Okay, you ready?
- Bring it. - Kyle, iced large chai.
- Kyle, iced large.
- Yep. Uh, chai.
But leave room for, um...
...leave room for the...
- Just- just leave the room, and then, uh...
they can figure out what to put in that room.
- Cream! It's cream.
Leave room for the cream. - Got it.
- Oh my God. - Medium iced cog.
- Everybody loves the iced cog!
- Eric, white chocolate mocha. Whoa.
- White chocca mocha chocca!
- That was really bad.
- That's like, a lot of complicated drinks, huh...
... in the office... that's great.
- What's up with concentrated detergent?
One teaspoon does an entire load.
How did they figure out how to get more soap into soap?
- Didn't seem like soap was somethin' needed fixin'.
- Yeah, I've never done my laundry and thought,
"Jesus, I wish I could pour less soap in here".
- They should figure out a way to put more porn... in porn.
- Midgets... - No, that would be less porn, don't you think?
- Sometimes... less is more.
- No, not in this case.
- Oh, you know what? That would be a great name
for a midget porn star. Less Ismore.
- Yeah. And featuring Less Ismore
- Featuring Less Is More...
- His tag line should be '"one teaspoon equals an entire load".
- I'd watch that. I'd watch it anyway.
- Unbelievable.
- What is this?
- Just... people. I open the door for them and then they...
got in line in front of me. I just don't understand that.
You do a good deed and you get punished for it?
- Well isn't opening the door saying "you go first"?
- No, Chad. Opening the door is saying "you go first into the building",
not "you go first into the line where I have to wait 20 minutes
while you make extremely complicated coffee drink orders
for your stupid... office... coworkers".
- Well, you do a good deed, it always comes back to you.
- Really? Because right now I feel like jack shit comes back to me.
I mean wh- when was the last time anything went my way?
- Well you got that awesome shirt.
- The...
The shirt's for Becca. -Oh.
Well, should you be wearing it before you give it to her?
- Relax! Who cares man? Look at this guy over here.
What is that a Dave Matthews shirt?
- Hm... You think that means he's gay, or just a douche?
- It's a tough call with, uh, guys that like Dave Matthews.
I mean, is he just a guy that likes to smoke weed
and listen to shitty music?
Cuz nobody seems to mind when you do that to the Grateful Dead,
or... Phish.
- Which makes it more about Dave, who is both likable and good-looking,
which pushes it right on over...
... to the gay column. - Oooh.
- You know what I was thinking about last night?
When you think about it, being straight is gay.
I mean, how gay is it being attracted to a woman...
all pink... and perfumey.
You know, it's like "ooh, I like girls.
I wanna rub up against girls".
Fag.
But... If you wanna be straight...
... shove it up another guy's ass.
That's straight.
You see what I'm saying?
- Are you gay?
-No, no no no no. I'm just saying,
what's straighter than having sex with another guy?
- Everything. - Literally everything.
- No, you guys... are homophobes.
- Of straight people?
- Yeah, well I call them gay people.
- I'm lost... I don't know what you're...
- Are you enjoying that coffee?
- Sam's newest tactic.
He does nothing to the drink, but asks me how it is,
to make me question that he might have.
- Medium drip... for Will.
- But the best retaliation for psychological warfare
is more psychological warfare.
It's delicious... thanks.
- Jesus fucking Christ, Will! C'mon, man!
- Sorry I thought that was a coaster.
- No! - That's not a coaster...
- This right here is my life, okay?
This is like my little baby child.
Not a fuckin' coaster.
Phil!
Oh, c- Phil, no no no, that's not a coaster, man.
- I gave them to everybody.
- You're a genius.
- God dammit. These are not coasters, okay?
I don't care what the fuckin'--Jesus Christ- sign says.
This is a- a CD that I made.
Concrete Angst. Give it a listen, you might like it. Okay?
Let me know what you think.
- It's still free, right?
- Alright, time to go... light up.
My boss saw me in here yesterday,
it's gettin' too risky, not smoking.
- Newports?
- ... Yeah, why? What's wrong with Newports?
- ... Well...
... Nothin'.
- Menthol, too, huh?
- Yeah, I thought it would make it taste better.
- Yeah... probably would. That's a good choice.
- Okay... Time to kick the not smoking habit.
I'm really gonna do it this time.
- What's a non-racist way to tell Chad that he's smoking...
- Cigarettes that mostly black people smoke?
- Yes. - Right... right.
There's no non-racist way to say something racist, Will.
- Okay. - Oh... Listen up.
I've got some bad news on the whole Coffee Town front.
- What?
- Some exec called the department yesterday
to check up on the crime history of this place...
Check over any felony reports, stuff like that.
- Why?
- Because whatever store they choose,
they're gonna convert into their flagship store.
They gotta make sure there's absolutely no risk.
- Well, so what did they find out? - Nothing.
Place is clean.
The whole neighborhood is, honestly.
- No! No no no!
What about the drive-by shooting you were telling me about?
- ... I didn't file a report on that.
- What do you mean you didn't file a report?
Guy fired a gun out of a moving car!
- Nobody got shot. I didn't solve it. Seemed like a waste of time.
- W- you can't just not file reports, can you?
- I rarely file reports...
- Jesus Chr- You are the worst cop in the world.
- Well fuck off, dude! Honestly, I try my hardest,
and if you think about what I do every day, it's insane.
- Aah! - Aw, the safety's on!
Calm down!
The safety's on!
Oh god, the safety's off.
I gotta snap it in.
It's such an easy thing and I forget to do it.
- This is unbelievable.
Seriously, you know, this is what I get for being a good guy.
It's what I get for opening the doors for people
and living a moral life.
I get shit on.
Get- I get the only place that feels like home
taken away from me.
Thanks world! Thanks a whole fucking lot!
- Are you talking to me?
- I was talking to the world!
- World, yeah... just, yep. I get it now.
Becca's here.
- Okay... okay. If she's gonna see you in that thing
you might as well get pumped up. Get some veins showin', alright?
- Oh make myself look bigger?
- Yes! Go! - Okay.
Alright... Come on, baby.
What am I doin'? That's not gonna do anything.
That's it. That's it.
- Aah! Ah!
Aagh!
Son of a... stop spraying!
Aaah!
Come on! You- you kidding me!?
Agh, come on.
Oh fuck!
Ugh.
Jesus Christ.
... One paper...
- Oh! - Oh god... really?
- Jesus, are you- are you okay?
- Ey... yeah.
This... yeah, yeah. W- I was just, um...
I should probably go... tell em.
- Yeah, it's probably a- probably a good idea.
- Uh, the pizza place has a bathroom next door.
- No, it's fine, I just wanted to wash my hands.
- Oh, cool. The sink still works.
- Actually I do have to go...
I just said I didn't cuz I don't like guys to know
that pee comes out of me.
But it does... all the time...
In fact, that's a lot of information. I'm sorry.
- No, that's healthy. Pee should always c- I'm totally cool
with anything that c-... that- that comes outta you.
- Okay, I just said pee, let's not go crazy.
- I'm sorry... I just worked out so my head get a little blblblble.
- Yeah? You work out near here?
- Uh, yeah, yeah, it's- it's right on the corner actually.
Yeah, the... my gym.
- Wait... Isn't that a place for toddlers?
- ... yep.
And that's where I work out.
- That's sweet.
- Here take this key, okay? It's for the pizza place bathroom.
They always keep theirs locked to a deep-dish pan
cuz people keep stealing it.
- Like yourself.
- Yeah, I guess I'm one of those people.
- Well, thanks. This is very sweet.
- Any- any time, though.
- Alright... - Okay.
See ya, have fun!
What does have fun mean?
- Brilliant... Okay?
Now, when she returns the key... you make your move.
- Yep!
- Hey, you wanna hold my gun?
- I'm not gonna shoot her.
It's to create a subliminal feeling of fear,
moisten her up a little bit.
- I'm good. - Oh, are you?
Okay, so you're gonna stick with the old soaked in toilet water method?
- Yeah, I'm gonna ride that one out.
- Okay, saddle up.
- What the hell?
Where's she goin'?
Is she stealing my key?
- I can go arrest her for it,
but she's gonna wanna fuck me the second I slam her face on that hood.
- Yeah. Who wouldn't?
She's stealing my stolen key!
- Definitely not a poop-chipper.
- I don't know if it was my fear of losing Coffee Town,
or finding out my dream girl was a thief
with pee coming out of her...
... or that my new roommate thought it would be okay
to decorate my apartment like Lord of the Rings exploded in it.
- Hey! Can you cook game in this fireplace?
- But it was starting to feel like everything was slipping away.
Like all my years of responsible living
had earned me nothing but fate's cold hands around my neck.
- Join me!
- And you wanna do something dramatic...
...and Elvis-y...
like shooting out your T.V. screen.
But... you settle for something far less cool.
Like... turkey Lunchables.
- Hey Will.
- What the fuck!
What the fuck?
- I told you... I don't sleep.
- Ugh!
Then... you decide to do something to change it.
-Hey...
What's with all the medicine?
- Oh! ... I have AIDS.
Yeah... I hope that's cool.
Oh! Aw shit, that's gonna bleed.
- You can keep it.
- And when it works... You don't wanna stop.
I'm gonna rob this place.
- What?
- If I created a crime that scared the executives away
from converting this store...
I'm gonna plan a robbery.
- Hey. Are you serious? I'm a cop!
If anyone's gonna plan a robbery it should be me.
I have studied this shit.
- Okay. - Alright, but I only wanna cause a crime.
I don't wanna take any money
- I am in...
But let's take some money.
- Then we're literally robbing it...
- We'll just take a little.
- Still robbing.
- You're right. We'll just take some merchandise and shit.
I have had my eyes on one of those hoodies.
- Do you know what robbing is?
- Yeah! Charging 35 dollars for a hoodie.
- I'm gonna tell you your biggest issue right off the bat,
this place is all glass. It's like we're in a fishbowl,
and there's constant traffic on that street.
- Okay, true.
- So let's brainstorm about that tonight.
We'll have our first planning session tomorrow.
- Okay, where are we gonna go?
- Here... - You son of a bitch
- We're planning a robbery of Coffee Town
inside Coffee Town.
- This is my office.
- Tomorrow.
- Okay.
Time to smoke.
- What's that do?
- I dunno.
- Yes, yes, yes... yes, yes.
- Hey.
I, uh, I forgot to give this back to you yesterday.
- Oh! Wow, I didn't even realize.
- You didn't?
- No... no, I did... I lied just then.
I don't know why.
- Okay.
Well, um...
Thanks again.
- No, thank you
- Okay.
- No, thank you!?
You're trying to bone her, not get her to join your youth group.
- Why did you shove me? You threw me off!
- You gotta get in her space, threaten her a little bit.
Do you know anything about women?
- Apparently not is right. I'm sorry I yelled.
Listen... When she's done ordering,
she's gonna be standing right there, totally bored.
That's when you go up and you ask her out.
- Okay. - Okay.
- That sounds doable. - Yeah, it's good.
But don't stare at her. Now you look like a serial killer.
-R- right.
- And don't look in my eyes. Why would you do that?
That's so weird.
-What do... What am I supposed to--
- What you normally do.
Look at your computer.
Open your computer. - Open the computer.
- Why would you look at a closed computer?
- You don't mind if I smoke, do you?
- No.
Newports, huh?
- Mm hmm.
Menthol.
I can feel these turning my insides black.
Blacky black black.
It's worth it, though...
...don't have to work as hard.
You know this used to be Brown Town.
- Okay okay okay, now's your time. Ready?
- Now? - Go get her, this is big.
Go baby, you got this. Go get her.
- Okay... - Okay.
- Hello again. - Hey.
- Hey. Uuh... So, I was just wondering...
- Sorry, I forgot, did you want, uh, whipped cream?
- Yeah, sure, thanks.
- There you go. - Wow... thank you.
- Hey, before I forget, um,
my band and I are playing at the Vanguard tonight,
and it is going to rock.
- Yeah, I'm gonna be there. I'm gonna bring some old college friends.
- Nice!
- you know, you guys don't freak out or anything, but...
... I may dedicate a song to you tonight.
- Oh!
♪ The way a little kitten purrs
♪ that's the way my passion stirs
♪ stirs for you, stirs for me, that's all that I can--
No? - Uh...
♪ Stirs my soul
♪ as far as I can see
Stir. It's track three. It's from the... it's... I gave it to you.
- Ah... Right.
- You may not have heard- maybe you didn't hear it yet.
- Not yet. - It's alright.
You will, I mean- hopefully, maybe.
That was just a little amuse-bouche to the main course later.
- Alright.
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
- Was I... say- ...
Oh... No, no no no no... No.
- You know, I... I have to go.
- Yeah! - Alright.
- I was just gettin' a straw.
- What'd she say?
- You got up from our table? - Yeah.
- Mother fucker!
It's amazing how much disdain you can have
for people hogging the tables
when your intention is to do the same.
And since the outside tables smell like Chad's cigarettes,
the couch is the only remaining option.
The problem with that is my laptop seems to be powered
by some type of car engine,
burning the ever-loving hell out of my lap.
- Did you see the newspaper?
- Nope.
- Get on the ground and put your hands on your head
or I'll shoot you in your face, mother fucker!
- Hey. - Hey.
- I'm not talking to you on that thing.
- C'mon man it's like you're talking to lightning mcqueen.
- Lightning McQueen was not a police car.
- Are you sure? Which one was the police car?
- I don't know.
- Neither do I. All I remember
is that hillbilly tow truck with the fucked up teeth.
And he'd be like "hey y'all!"
- Hey, I'm gonna go.
- No no no, stop. - C'mon, man.
- Stop.
Look at me...
Where ya headed?
- I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna eat some hot pockets,
and I'm gonna drink a six-pack of beer.
- You're not gonna do that, okay?
Cuz we're going to the Vanguard.
- What?
- Yeah, Sam might be in a band, who cares?
He's on stage, you're not, giving you full access to Becca.
And you can draft off the very horniness his rock 'n' roll creates.
Ride that airstream, just slingshot by!
Right up into her cooch... and stay there.
- You think? - I never lie when I'm on duty.
Alright? Pick up those beers, we'll bang em off in the car.
Ready? - Okay.
You know you hit that wall, right?
- Let's move it! Let's Go!
- There's something about being in a rock band...
It doesn't matter how good the music sounds...
You still look like a total pussy playing the piano.
- Ladies and gentlemen!
Clap your hands for Mr. and Mrs. Williams!
- Whoa... there she is.
- Where is this?
Woof! - Hehe, woof.
Why is she talking to that guy?
- It's perfect.
Get ready to bat some cleanup.
- What?
- I dunno, it sounded like something.
- There's some old baseball a--
- I just went for it, who cares,
I made a mistake. Go go go go! Go go go.
Hey.
- Hey. - Hey, stop it.
Let me get you a drink.
- Sure! - Yeah?
Alright. Let me get a rum and diet coke for the lady.
- Gino's move when he's not in uniform...
subtly lower the girl's self esteem to make her an easier target.
- Do you want me to get you a sturdier stool?
- Uh, No, this one's fine.
- This one can hold you? You sure?
- Yeah, I think, it's okay. - Yeah yeah yeah, go go go.
Please, please.
So, what happened to your face?
- Hey! - Ah, Hi! Hey!
- Hi! - How are you?
- I'm good... Good. How are you?
- Uh.. uh... I don't wanna be weird or anything,
but that guy that you were just making out with
is now... kissing your friends.
- That guy? ...Oh, no... no.
I was, um... I was taking E.
You know, ecstasy.
- Yeah... - Yeah yeah.
He puts it on his tongue.
- Oh! That... that's clever.
- I'm not a drug person.
My girlfriend convinced me of it, you know, and...
I'm usually really really boring...
But... ahem...
This is great!
Like, WOW!
You know, I'm really starting to feel it!
- Really? - Yeah! Yeah.
You should totally take a hit.
- Uh, no.. no no. - Yes!
Have you ever done it?
- No, no, I- I- I'm really more of a heroine guy.
But I get mine in the chewables...
that looks like little, uh.. Kurt Cobains.
- Come on, you gotta try it... Come on.
Can I get another one for my friend?
- Uh... yeah...
Okay, so...
- No, no... it's too risky.
Oh, what the fff-
- C'mon! Quick! Quick! C'mon! You can do it. C'mon.
- Shit, alright.
Ugh! There's nothing in there!
I can't believe you went for it, man.
Mmyeah... you give great mouth.
Here ya go, huh?
It's on the house. - Come on
- You know that guy has AIDS...
- Can't get it twice.
- Okay, I hope this is worth it.
- Oh, it's totally worth it.
- Is memory loss a side-effect?
- Nope... just death...
- Turns out, except for the moments
when your heart feels like it's gonna explode,
Ecstasy is awesome.
I don't know what it looked like on that dance floor...
but I know what it felt like...
♪ Do you believe in heaven above ♪
Like the dance scene in the 1986 movie "Rad".
♪ Do you believe in love? ♪
♪ Don't tell a lie, don't be false or untrue... ♪
When love can only be expressed with BMX freestyle.
♪ Open fire on my burning heart ♪
♪ I've never been lucky in love ♪
♪ My defenses are down, a kiss or a frown ♪
♪ I can't survive on my own ♪
♪ It gets in your eyes, it's making you cry ♪
♪ Don't know what to do, Don't know what to do ♪
♪ You're looking for love, calling heaven above ♪
♪ Send me an angel
♪ Right now
♪ Right now...
- And I actually do know what it looked like...
But who cares?
It worked.
Oh! Ooh, wait wait wait wait.
- I know, I know it's crazy. But I really want a memory.
- Oh, I know, I know. I do too. No no! Oh...
-... Oh...
Um...
- It's from my laptop... - It's okay.
- It's a lap... top... burn.
- Yep... I just, um...
I don't think I'm in any condition to do this anyway,
I should- I should go.
- Okay, wait, wait. It's not what you think it is!
No, look, listen listen listen...
I wanna- I wanna do this again.
- Totally, yeah, I'll call you.
- You don't have my number!
- You're asleep.
- No I'm not...
I'm awake.
Uugh, totally awake! I was thinkin' about some stuff.
Sleeping can get you kicked out.
Being awake is the only thing that separates us table squatters
from the homeless people out front.
That's good... good roast.
- You know you ruined our gig last night...
with your little dance of the drugged-out idiots.
And now the club doesn't want us back.
- The reason the club doesn't want you back
is cuz your band sucks, Sam.
I'm serious.
Really, you're not Coldplay. The whole tape on the fingers thing?
You look like gymnasts.
- We're still finding our sound, man.
- Yeah, I saw you looking for it.
- And one, two
No, no! God dammit, Devin! Who comes in on three. man!?
- I said what fucking professional drummer comes in on three!
- What fucking professional piano player
wears a marching band jacket? That's my question!
- It's progressive, you idiot! - Asshole!
- Whatever!
- Alright, alright.
We're done then!
- Fuck you!
- By the way, who's Mrs. Williams?
- Yeah yeah yeah, go refill the half and half.
- Why don't you go refill the half and half.
- I don't think I'm allowed to refill the half and half, am I?
- Are you seriously saying the half and half is empty?
- Yeah.. the half and half is empty.
- Fuck!
- Aaah, look at you! Did you hook up last night?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Okay, that's fine... can ya mime it?
- No.
- Okay. you know, I could beat it out of you. I'm a cop.
- In a lethal weapon movie?
- Fuck, I wish.
- Where's Chad?
- He's in line at the bathroom.
- It's been ten minutes, who is this idiot?
Oh... - Retard.
- What? ... Dammit.
Anyone got a quarter?
Pizza Castle token?
- They let you drive that car when you're off duty?
- Only car I got, kid.
- Yeah, but you don't got it...
It's owned by the city.
- You totally struck out last night, didn't you.
- Yeah look...
My laptop burned my dick.
- I'm so sorry, I thought you said that your laptop burned your dick.
- My laptop burned my dick.
And I think she thought I had, like a, sexual disease, or...
- That's a thing? Laptops can burn dicks?
- Yeah, apparently. - Can I see it real quick?
- No, you can't see it. What are you doing, man?
- I'll show you mine, it'll be totally cool.
- Oh, you show- Oh! that changes everything.
Yeah yeah yeah, let's do that.
Ow!
Jesus Christ, dude. What are you doing?
- You really toasted that thing, huh?
- Yes, I really burned it.
Stay away!
- Think that Down syndrome guy... just called me a retard.
- Are you serious? That's messed up.
- I think they're the only ones who should be allowed to say it.
- I think I should be allowed to say it, too.
- I don't disagree.
- Wait, are you calling me a retard?
- I'm not allowed to.
- Guys? If you still wanna hit this place,
I think I figured out an opening.
- Yes, of course I do. Yes, I do wanna hit it.
What's- what's the deal?
- This Friday night, the street is being closed down for traffic light repair,
they're switchin' em over to L.E.D. or some shit.
- What?
Who got that contract?
Fucking G.E... Bob Horsewood, I bet.
- Who the fuck is Bob Horsewood?
- Fucking Bob Horsewood.
- What the f-- - My nemesis, Bob Horsewood.
- Would you shut up about Bob Horsewood! Nobody--
Just... Anyway.
- Listen up. Utility company's gonna be done with the job
by around midnight,
but the barricades won't be removed 'til 4 a.m.
and that should give you guys plenty of time to get in there.
- No no no, I can't. I have to be on call.
That way, if someone figures it out and calls it in,
I will be the first to respond and you guys can just bolt.
- So how are we gonna do it?
Just kick open the door, grab all the cash?
-Nobody's- We're not taking any money, Chad.
- I wanna take something. I want a souvenir!
- Are you a serial killer?
- I'll serial kill Bob Horsewood.
- Chad, nobody's taking anything, do you hear me?
- Nobody's taking anything, you just rough the place up enough
for someone to file a report.
Anything more, some assholes gonna wanna solve it. Also...
You can't go in through the front door cuz there's an alarm on that thing.
I'm trying to think of different options in there.
I'm looking at ceilings, I'm looking at windows,
I don't know yet, I'm gonna report back tomorrow.
- Good stuff, Gino, good stuff. Very cool.
- Hey, do you know what I was just thinkin'?
The Special Olympics are great, right?
- Yeah they are. - I like em.
- You know what would be even more amazing?
An ultimate fighting league where challenged people
fought non-challenged people.
Because they're so strong, I feel like it would be equal.
-They are often very strong, you're right about that.
And if just one could win...
- It'd be like Seabiscuit.
- It wouldn't work. The non-challenged person would always win.
- You don't know that, Chad. You don't know that, K?
So, don't say that, because think about if it was even,
how amazing that would be! A level playing field!
We have more speed, more coordination, more agility.
- Can I ask you a question real quick, buddy?
- Oooh geez...
- Me? - Yeah, you have Down syndrome right?
- Yes I do!
- Hehe, okay, sure.
Do you think a fight between someone with Down syndrome
and someone without Down syndrome...
Do you think that'd be fair?
- Someone without?
- Yeah, like, I dunno. Some shmoe schmuck stupid ass
like this guy.
Like we're lookin' at this guy, right over here.
- I thought you said someone without.
- I don't have Down syndrome... Just, F.Y.I.
- Between you guys, do you think that would be a fair fight?
- I could beat the living shit out of this guy.
- Yeah, sure you could, mm hmm.
- No, I think you could too... I think you could too.
- You honestly don't think I could beat up a... a...
- Say it.
Say it!
- Nevermind.
- That's what I thought... Retard!
- Hey you're a retard!
- You want a piece of me!? - Is that what you want!?
- C'mon... We're not really gonna do this are we?
- Yeah... I'm sick of people like him.
- I'm sick of people like you!
That sounded awful.
I didn't mean that.
- I'm going to kick your ass!
- Oh yeah!? You gonna kick my ass? Well bring it, bitch!
- Hold on. hold on, hold on! - Bring it bitch!
- Hold on, hold on.
Okay... -Thank god, the police.
- I just wanna say congratulations, okay,
on being the very first match
of the special people versus non-special people
ultimate fighting championship.
Thank you guys so much, okay?
Here are the ground rules,
no punching, no eye-gouging, no kicking...
Just wresting.
- Wait, I can't roundhouse him?
- You can't roundhouse anybody, dude.
You don't know how to roundhouse.
- I know how to roundhouse!
- Fantastic. Roundhouse like crazy.
- What? - He gets one special, okay?
- This isn't Mortal Kombat.
- Okay. You don't want a special?
- Uh...
I indian burn.
- You indian burn? - Yeah.
- You sure do. Okay, you guys ready!?
This is it! This is huge!
Fight!
- Ooh! Guess what!
Regular people rule and special people suck, mother fucker!
- Aaaah!!
- Oh, OH!
- Aaahh! - Whoa!
Oh my god!
- Aaaahh!
- Oh! Indian burn!
- This is not funny.
- No no no no no, it's kinda... - This is terrible.
- Give it a second.
- I gotta- I gotta stop this. - No no no, sit down, sit down.
- Tap out! Tap out!
- Yyeeaahh! - That's a tap out!
- Boom! That's, it bitch!
- He's got Down syndrome asshole!
- Bitch.
- See you guys.
- Alright, buddy, be good. - Later.
- Chad, I'll give you a ride.
- Can I smoke back here? - Yeah, I don't care.
- Wait, hey! Hey, gimme that!
- There you go, you earned it. - Thanks.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- Thank you so much Mr. Brown.
That- that's great. Okay, bye-bye.
Okay, it is down to us and the Coffee Town in Fullerton.
We got this!
- It was happening. You could see it on their faces.
- DJ station back here maybe? I dunno if these people--
- And Coffee Town wasn't the only thing slipping away.
Oh. - What?
- She's gonna stop coming in here.
I don't have her phone number, I don't know her last name,
I don't know anything about her.
I gotta catch her.
- You can use my bike! - Okay, thanks!
♪ You're looking for love, calling heaven above ♪
♪ Send me an angel
♪ Right now
♪ Send me an angel
♪ Right now
- Hey.. hi... hey.
- I'm sorry, did you just chase me down on an adult tricycle?
- Listen... that was a laptop burn! Okay?
Hey. - Hey.
- Sorry...
- I know... I asked a doctor in the E.R. this morning.
Apparently it's fairly common.
- e.r.?
- I'm a- I'm a trauma nurse.
-Oh you're... a trauma nurse... Cool.
- Okay. - Oh, wait wait wait,
Becca Becca Becca... Let me j--
It's... it's okay if you're not into me.
Really... I wouldn't be into me either.
I just don't want you to feel weird about coming into Coffee Town.
I mean... you've been going there longer than I have.
- Last night... that wasn't me...
Yeah, the- the drugs...
Almost having sex with somebody I barely know.
It's just not who I am.
- No, no no. Listen, that's not me either.
Seriously I don't just... go out to clubs and take ecstasy, and...
kiss guys, and, you know, show women my blistered penis.
Seriously, I- I don't do that stuff, okay?
I'm a nice guy... really...
Sometimes I think I'm too nice.
- You son of a bitch!
You think it's funny to steal an old man's bike!?
I fought a fucking war for you!
- Sorry... sorry...
I thought it was, uh... different...
Can I get a ride?
- Yeah, get in.
- Thanks for the ride. - Of course.
- Hey... That one's mine.
- Got it. - Cool.
Later homesnap. - Okay, bye.
Do you have time for a coffee?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
- I think I have a second. - Ah, good.
- I'll get my own, though.
- Uh, no, actually, here. Let me get it.
I need this.
-Hey...
- Yup? - Yeah, um,
let me get a soy latte... uuh...
and why don't you go ahead and add a bunch of extra whip to that.
- Name?
- Becca.
-No.
- Why don't you write a shitty song about that.
So... trauma nurse.
- Yep! - Wow. That's gotta be tough.
- Hell, I love it. I mean...
the thing about trauma...
is that... it's always total chaos.
So, I mean, you get to be a doctor half the time.
The lines really get blurred, which, I mean, I love.
- I never thought about it that way.
- Yeah. It's a total rush.
What about you? I mean you- you really work out of this place?
- Yeah, it's- it's not saving lives without a medical degree, but-
- I don't usually save them.
- Are you serious?
- I mean why- why work here?
- Look, honestly, um...
I think I just... like being part of the world.
Feeling like I exist somewhere.
This is gonna sound really stupid, but...
I think if I worked out of my apartment...
The world might forget who I am.
- Doesn't sound stupid at all.
- That's what I was about to lose.
Not a place for free wi-fi, or to meet friends, or outwit the economy.
Coffee Town was a place to belong.
That's something everybody needs in life.
An intersection.
A place to meet with the rest of the world
on the way to wherever you're headed.
Because let's face it, we're all headed the same place.
So they're closing the street tonight?
- I'm sorry, dude, I tried my hardest, okay?
They must have moved the work order up.
Traffic is back in the street at 9 p.m. tonight.
- Do we still have a window at midnight?
- I don't think it's a good idea. - Why?
- Because before we were doing a Friday night, right?
Cops would be busier all over the place, busting drunk drivers and shit.
This is Tuesday. Cops are bored on Tuesday.
Someone calls this thing in, the entire force is gonna show up.
- I don't care... I'm goin' in. Are you gonna be on shift?
- Yeah.
- I'm in too. I could really use the cash.
- Chad... - Chad, god dammit...
- You have any idea how expensive cigarettes are?
- We are not taking any cash.
- Nobody's taking fucking money!
- Just... Did you come up with a plan?
- Are we really doing this?
- Yes, we're doing this. - We're doing this.
- Stop it.
Alright guys.
- Whoa whoa whoa. Hey, just be careful.
- Best way to stay under the radar
is to shut the shit off in plain sight.
- But how did you do that?
- I got some guys at the crime unit to draw it up.
They thought it was for a drug raid. Fuckin' idiots.
Alright. You guys'll be these sugars right here.
- Whoa whoa whoa whoa, can I be the Sugar in the Raw,
because I'm sort of the badass of the group.
- Says who?
- Well, you're not the badass of the group.
- I didn't say I was the badass.
- Then that's a weak group.
- You guys are both creamers.
- Now we're both creamers.
- Yeah, well, cuz you wouldn't shut up.
- One of us could have been the Sugar in the Raw--
- Stop it!
- I don't care if I'm a creamer. Why are we talking about this?
What's the plan?
- First, we prep the target for a 1 a.m. strike.
Which means you gotta get that homeless guy at 10 p.m.
Throw him a tall boy with roofies in it.
That'll knock him the fuck out.
That takes care of the only witness.
After that both of you guys, at 1 a.m.,
will go across to the back of the store.
You'll find a utility ladder,
and that will give you access to the roof.
That is where you will wait for my radio confirmation.
Chad, what did I just say?
- I- I wasn't listening.
- You weren't li--
- I was playing with the Sugar in the Raw.
- Stop. - I'm gonna move all the sugars away.
All the sugars are away from you now, okay?
- This- this is important. We could go to jail.
- Okay, sorry. I'll- I'll close my eyes and just concentrate.
- That's fine. Can you hear me better now?
- Mm hmm. - Fantastic.
- It's like Stevie Wonder, how he- he has dog hearing.
- He doesn't have dog hearing. Dog hearing--
- Stevie Wonder does have dog hearing.
- What?
- Are you gonna close your eyes too, or--
- No, he doesn't have to. - Okay.
- Chad? - Go.
- That's when you're gonna wait for my radio confirmation.
What are you gonna do?
- Wait for your radio confirmation.
All clear.
Next you're gonna take the bolt cutter.
Cut that padlock that's on the hatch.
There is absolutely no alarm on it. You'll be safe.
Once you're down, you have about five minutes.
Open the cash, like, throw it around a little bit.
Rough the place up enough to look like you were doing a robbery,
but you got interrupted in the process, and you had to jet.
That's when you go right back up through that hatch. K?
That's the plan.
- OK, I'm gonna open my eyes now.
- Nice. - Nice.
- So when we're finished we just split the money, 33, 33--
- Oh my god! - Holy shit, Chad.
Holy shit, Chad.
-Chad, if you take something from this place,
I'll kill you.
- Oh that's... very Sugar in the Raw of you.
- Chad, stop, stop.
You're not gonna take any money, right Chad?
- My lips are zipped.
- You said this whole thing is a secret!
It's out in the open, it's a secret--
- That's fine, that's fine.
Just tell me you're not gonna take any money.
Don't cover your eyes! Don't cover your eyes.
- It's got nothing to do with that. - Don't cover your eyes.
Just say you're not gonna ta- Watch this.
Will, are you gonna take any money?
- I promise I'm not taking any money.
- Chad, are you gonna take any money?
- Okay, whatever. - Don't take your hands.
Promise you're not gonna take any money.
- I promise I won't take any money.
- Thank you. Do you swear?
- I- I swear.
- Okay, that's it.
which I will fax over to Coffee Town corporate office.
We did it, guys.
- Alright, so, we'll meet here at 1 a.m.
Alright, got it? 1 a.m.! - Mm hmm.
- 1 a.m.? That's late. You guys stay up that late?
- Hey! - Hey, buddy! What's up?
- Oh!
- Okay, yeah. We reuse paper at the station.
- Good, good.
- I don't stay up that late.
- No, normally we don't either, it's just a...
special occasion.
Special occasion comin' up. - We're havin' a party.
- Chad. - Chad, yeah.
- It's your birthday? - No.
- Yep! - Yes.
- Yeah yeah. I'm 56.
- 56. - How 'bout that.
- 56 already 56. - You wouldn't think.
- Oooooooooh
♪ Have a happy birthday ♪
♪ Have.. a... happy birthday... ♪
♪ Have a happy birthdaaaaay ♪
- Fuckin Phil, get outta here!
- Get outta here, Phil.
- You know better than that, Phil
♪ Haaave a happy birthday to Chaaad ♪
- Thank you, thank you. I'm, uh... 56!
- 56.
- I left Coffee Town early.
Too nervous about that night to let Becca see me.
Instead, I sat at the park.
The thought of a future in prison
made an afternoon with nature seem pretty nice.
But, it turned out to be more like prison than nature.
And finally... the time had come to put our plan in motion.
And things started off flawlessly.
Shit.
Hey pal... hey buddy...
Wake up, I got some beer for ya. Want some beer?
- Ya! Don't kill me! Don't kill me! - Oh, whoa whoa.
Hey, I was just trying to give you some beer.
Hey hey! Calm down, calm down, man. Shh shhhh.
Just trying to give you some beer, man.
You look thirsty... oh...
Okay, ok ok ok, listen, I'll make it up to you, um...
Let me put you up in a hotel for the night.
- Naw, I don't sleep in hotels.
Bed bugs.
- Okay, so, here we are. Um.
I've got some plans tonight, but you can sleep on the couch.
- I don't sleep on couches... couch bugs.
- Couch bugs? What the hell's a couch bug?
Where ya goin'?
Oh come on, man.
Dude, oh...
No no, c'mon, that's my bed!
Aw fuck!
Chad.
Chad!
- I'm gonna kill you mother fucker!
- Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up.
Don't do that, man. That's not cool.
- Look, it's me. It's Chad!
- Yeah, I know it's you. Nice kitty shirt.
- I look awesome, huh? - Yeah.
- I just wish I had some black paint around my eyes,
you know, like, uh, like Batman.
Isn't that weird...that Batman wears makeup?
You know, like, you go out and you kick ass all night.
You come home, take off your cowl,
and you're just a dude in eyeshadow.
- This is a very interesting conversation, Chad,
can we have it later?
- Okay, like, tomorrow?
- Yeah, tomorrow. We'll have it tomorrow.
Where's my mask? C'mon.
- Ah, I only had one, dude.
- You were supposed to bring the disguises.
- I made you this!
- That's a sock.
- It'll stretch.
- I'm not concerned about the fit!
- This is not a fashion show, mother fucker!
We are knockin' over a coffee store!
- Alright alright, don't say "knocking over"
or you make us sound like thugs. - I wanna be a thug!
I didn't load up my iPhone with Kanye just so I could go jogging.
Oh crap, the one with Rihanna's on.
- Oh, fuck. - That one is for jogging.
Okay, great. You know what? I'm doing this by myself.
- No! We are in this together.
Now put your sock on.
- It's a sock.
- It's just a sock. - Really.... god.
Jesus Christ.
You didn't make me a mouth hole?
- You're not gonna eat in it!
- Oh, you look like that rabbit from "Life in Hell".
You know, the- the rabbit... from the Simpsons guy.
- Will you just shut the fuck up!? Just shut the fuck up.
- I'm just sayin' who you look like.
- Are you guys in position yet?
- What the fuck is that?
- It's Gino, we only had Spiderman walkie talkies
so he sounds like the Green Goblin.
-So, we gotta talk to each other like Green Goblin all night?
- No. Just him.
- You guys sound like Spiderman.
- Why aren't we just using our cellphones?
- Why don't we just use our cellphones?
- Hello? - Yeah, this is way better.
Keep it on vibrate, though.
- Okay, fine.
- Why do you sound so weird?
- Chad didn't cut me out a mouth hole.
- Why do you need a mouth hole? You're not gonna eat in it.
- Oh come- come on, what's the deal?
- The street is clear.
You guys can go in.
- Copy that. Goin' in.
- Goin' in? - Goin' in!
- Okay, wait. I'm gonna put on the 8 Mile soundtrack.
- Don't put anything on, Chad!
- Those are- what are you- oh fuck!
Those are my headphones!
- I need you listening! Now go! you've got the rope, so go.
- Okay. Go time.
Oh... What the hell?
God dammit... ugh!
- Why aren't you wearing... This was on your foot!?
- It's clean! - No it's not clean, Chad,
if it came off your foot. Because it was on your foot!
- I barely walked anywhere today.
- You wore it all day!? Jesus Christ!
- Now this other sock is worthless!
- I'm wearin' this. -No.
- Come here you mother fucker.
- You mother fucker! - You mother fucker!
- Get back here! - You asshole!
- We shouldn't me fighting amongst ourselves!
This is what they want! This is what they want!
- Sorry.
- What the fuck are you doing? Just go around!
- Dude!
It's just a bear.
- Sorry, okay.
- What?
- The cash register's open and empty!
- What!?
- Holy shit!
- We gotta go, we gotta go!
- We're gonna go to prison! Fuck.
- Please stop holding my hand.
Why aren't you answering your phone?
- Aaaah! - Aah! Aah! Aah!!
- Don't hit us! it's us!
Please Sam, Sam, Sam! It's us! It's us! It's us.
- What are you- what are you doing?
- What are you do--
You're robbing the store?
- So are you!
- No no no, we were just pretending to rob the store.
- What!? - It's complicated.
Look look look, let's just split the cash.
- We're not taking any cash!
- He's taking cash!
- I have to, okay? Thanks to dick-head here,
my band lost our gig. - Oh pff.
- You think I could survive on shitty Coffee Town tips alone?
- Well, you would be able to if you'd stop looking away
every single time somebody tries to tip you!
- It's cuz it makes me feel like a whore!
- Well then, get a different job!
- I had another job. You made me lose it!
- Oh psh, yeah right. You think U2 would lose a gig
just because somebody danced weird?
No. Because they're a good band, Sam.
You wrote a fuckin' song about cappuccino foam.
- It's about Becca!
- How is that about Becca?
- She's the stirrer... and my heart is the foam...
Whatever, man, you know what, let's just get out of here.
Okay? I'll put the money back.
- Hey!
- Oh no, he's gonna set off the alarm.
- No no, Toby! No no!
- Run! - Oh fuck fuck!
What are you doing? What are you doing!?
- Fuck!
Just use the front door, the alarm's already going off!
Get the fucking key!
- I don't know where it is! Get it! Get it!
- Where's the fucking key? Where's the fucking key!?
- It's a cargo jacket! I don't know!
Alarm reported at 225 Boyer.
- Unit 69 responding.
84 responding. 57 en route.
Unit 33 on the way. 42 responding.
- Fucking Tuesdays!
-Okay, Toby, we're gonna move the party somewhere else, alright pal?
- Why is that alarm going off?
- No time to talk about that, we gotta go. Oh shit!
- On the ground!
Everybody on the ground!
Now put your right hand behind your back!
Left hand, back!
- Do it! Do what he says!
- I am doing it, I am doing it!
- Don't move!
- I don't wanna go to prison!
- Listen up.
I'm gonna ask you this once...
What happened here?
- I'll admit... I'm one of those guys who only prays
at football games and craps tables.
But right then... I was asking for any help I could get.
And then the strangest thing happened...
A savior appeared. And he had Down syndrome.
- I wanted my chocolate milk!
They tried to stop me from getting my chocolate milk!
- But like every silver lining,
it only frames a cloud full of lightning that kills people.
- Okay guys, I see no reason to file a report on this.
- No report?
- Nah. They're actually trying to convert this place
into some kind of bistro lounge.
Gotta admit, it would be pretty sweet to have a place
to go grab a drink with the guys after our shift.
- Yeah...
- Well, I'll swing by in the morning and explain it all to the manager.
Get this kid home safe.
And uh, get him some chocolate milk.
- Retard.
- And something they don't tell you when you get struck by lightning...
you also shit your pants.
And that's life.
You lose.
The world evolves...
and you can't stop it.
You're just a passenger like everybody else...
sitting on a rock, spinning through space,
watching everything around you change.
No matter how much you wish it would stay the same.
- When you think about it... being straight is gay.
- What did you say?
- I said, do you wanna play chase?
- So you accept it.
Because there's no karma...
No reason to be a good person and play by the rules.
Hey, look guys. I opened the door for you,
so really I should be ahead of you in the line.
Just take what's yours and fuck what people think.
Because no fictional force is gonna punish you--
I guess this is the point where you realize
I've been narrating this from the dead.
And your friend acts like he knew it all along.
Well...
Your friend is an idiot.
- Hey.
- Because dead people can't talk.
- Welcome back.
- Hey...
- I called your parents, and, uh, they're flying in.
- Was it a drive-by? - Yes.
Doctors say you're gonna be okay.
I made sure one worked on you,
even though a trauma nurse called dibs.
Wanda... she's...
It's like a death sentence,
she mainly just kills people.
- Is there a catheter in me?
- I used the smallest size...
because it's the least painful.
It has nothing to do with penis size,
you have a normal penis...
when it's... you know, not... burned by a laptop.
- I mean, I can always jam the big one in there
if it'll make you feel better.
- I will stick with the small one, okay?
- You sure? - Yeah, please.
Thanks, though. - Any time.
- Heeeeey!
- I can't believe you are not dead. You were on the news.
You're like a celebrity.
There was blood all the way to the muffin counter, man.
- That's kinda cool.
- I'll check back in on ya in a bit, okay?
- Okay, yeah.
- Hey! No, no. - Yeah, I was gonna just--
- Hey, look what I got for you. A little memento.
- Um, I think I was only shot once.
- Oh no, these aren't from you.
These are from the kid who shot you.
A couple minutes later, we all catch up to him.
The entire department just unloads on him,
takes out their gun, emptying clips like the wild west,
like Brrragagagaga!
Smoke all over the place. - Helicopters.
- Wh- wait, no. I don't think it was a kid.
I feel like I saw... like... an older Latina lady.
- You know, they said, uh, technically you were dead for a minute.
- What are you doing?
- You- you don't need that..
So, what did you see when you died?
- Hmm... just a long hallway.
- How long we talkin'? - Yeah, like 50 feet?
- I didn't measure it. - Do you think it was heaven?
- Aw, you think? Why would God put in a hallway?
It's kinda shitty architecture
for the most powerful being in the universe, right?
- Yeah, heaven should have looked at least as good as the Bellagio, right?
- I agree, which makes me think... you think it was hell?
- Ooh, but would hell have a hallway?
- I think hell would. Absolutely.
Just to fuck with you.
- How long do you think that hallway would be?
Like, 50 feet?
- No, why do you keep thinking it's 50 feet?
- I just think that's enough time for you to anticipate
what's gonna happen when you open the door.
- And what happens when you open the door?
- The Devil-- - Stop, it's not the D--
- Did you see the Devil? - No.
- Will, did you see the Devil?
- So, maybe karma is real...
Maybe if you cut in front of a line,
you get shot in the chest.
Or maybe bad things happen randomly.
Just like good things do.
- I really wish you would reconsider.
A- a drive-by could happen at any location.
- But either way... I think it's better to just focus
on the things we can change ourselves.
- It's gonna be so weird operating on cadavers
instead of real people.
So much less resistance.
- Hey can I have your muffin?
I need to print this.
- Of course.
- And let karma deal with everybody else.
- Get out.
- No.
- Less... Is More... shoots more.
- Yeah, with less. - Yeah.
- Oh you know what, you can get them to be dressed up
like a regular heighted person.
So you have five of them in one trench coat,
and them just going to town.
But then their dicks are just hitting, like, belly buttons,
and nipples, and faces, and stuff like that.
- Oh...
- Would you watch midget porn?
- Oh... Would I? I do.