[Dramatic score playing]
MAN: Time travel...
Will turn your brain into spaghetti if you let it.
Best not to think about it.
Best just to get on with the job in hand,
which is destroying the enemy before they're even born
and have a chance to threaten us.
We're expecting any resistance to be light
as the ancestors of our enemies have yet to evolve any thumbs...
Or indeed spines.
But that does not change the fact that they may one day evolve
into a species that may pose a threat to us.
And for that reason we are gonna rain down a fiery death upon them
that will turn the surface of their planet into a radioactive desert!
Because we are the planetary peace corps,
and that is what we do!
- [Beeping] - Now...
Are you nappy-wearing motherfuckers ready
to lock 'n' load and get it on?!
[Kids crying]
No no no no, shh.
Look, it's not even a real gun! Ooh ooh.
- [Alarm blaring] - Ooh. Look at all the lights!
[Kids screaming]
Shut up!
[Screaming continues]
[Ripping]
[Screaming continues]
[Children screaming excitedly]
[Over P.A.] MAN: Due to technical difficulties,
star ride is closed until further notice.
Due to technical difficulties,
star ride is closed until further notice.
Two for one at dinoburger.
It doesn't even make any sense. Why would we do this?
Toby, don't start.
Bye, love. All right, love, two for one at dinoburger.
We're encouraging people to eat dinosaurs-- to eat us, you know?
Why do we do that?
We're not real dinosaurs.
We should be dressed as cavemen.
Tobe, why do you always do this?
You were the same on the bloody ghost train.
That wasn't logical either. Everyone knows
werewolves and vampires are natural enemies.
There is no way they would team up to attack a train.
- Toby, stop thinking... - Yeah--
...and talking.
Yeah, you're right, actually.
We can't think that much
because a dinosaur's brain is only the size of a walnut.
As far as talking goes, you know, it's just like--
[growling]
Tobe, tobe, tobe, stop it.
You wanna be careful you don't get lost in the role.
I heard of this one guy over on the star ride
actually thought he was a space ranger--
traumatized a load of kids. They sacked him.
Oh, hello, ray.
Didn't see you there.
Pete, tobe.
- It was a crappy job, anyway. - Yeah.
- BOY: Loser. - Says the man dressed as a dinosaur.
[Growls]
[Pop music playing on radio]
So what are you gonna do?
I don't know. I was thinking about maybe moving back home,
taking that job at my uncle's place.
Why would you wanna do that? We can get you another job here.
- Where? - Barry burp's bubble ride.
Get you a job there easy. High turnover
- 'cause of the chlorine in the eyes. - Mmm, it is tempting,
but there should be more to life than dressing up as a bubble.
Maybe it's time to get real.
So...
In an ideal world what would be your perfect job?
I don't know-- comics shop?
Oh, come on. Think bigger.
Astronaut.
Yeah, cool,
but I mean your absolute dream job.
I mean, if there was no limit at all.
No limits?
Well, it's obvious. It's gotta be time lord.
Oh, come to daddy. Ooh, what's that,
four minutes, 32?
- That's bollocks. You led him on. - What's this?
It was a bet. He reckoned you were gonna mention time travel
- in under five minutes. - You're making bets on me?!
The day I get fired you're making bets on me!
He did. I didn't want to.
I do talk about other things, you know?
What? Like Sci-Fi?
Ahem. How many times?
It's not Sci-Fi, Pete.
It's science fiction, or s.F.,
which can also stand for speculative fiction.
Jesus. You wonder why you can't get laid.
I can.
I do.
Some girls are into science fiction.
Yeah, you see, that's your problem, ray.
Your ideal girl is you...
- With tits. - [Both laughing]
In fact, your ideal girl is him...
- With tits. - I object to that.
- RAY: Now that was a shit film. - TOBY: Yeah.
RAY: Someone should write a letter and complain, eh?
"Dear Hollywood, you're shit."
I mean, how hard can it be to make a film that doesn't suck?
I've got millions of great ideas.
- Like what? - What?
Oh, come on, I wanna hear one of your great ideas.
Okay.
Right.
Prepare to be amazed.
"Ninja yodeler."
Are you just like saying random words, tobe?
No-- yodeler by day, ninja by night, you see?
Oh, yeah, because the other way around would be really stupous.
Stupid.
No, you've got ninjas who are really quiet, yeah?
Yodelers-- really loud! There's the conflict for the character--
torn between two roles.
He's really thought about this.
Okay, all right, cool. You know the way that sometimes you come up
with a really shit idea, like, on purpose,
- to try and test us out? - Yeah?
Is this one?
Yeah, you got me.
[Ray laughs]
- Nearly had you, though. - Had him.
Yeah. "Ninja yodeler"?
"Ninja yodeler." [Laughs]
How's your real script going?
Uh, I'm doing most of the work up here, really.
Besides, every writer needs to get out
in the real world,
have some experiences-- fresh ones-- to enrich his work.
Really?
I thought a writer needed to stay in and write.
Yeah, it's the eternal enigma of creativity.
We should discuss it in the pub.
- Give me that. - Oi! Oh, you thieving git!
I said that!
Come on, all great writers steal.
Oh, ray said that!
Give it to me. Give me my book.
Come on.
[Sighs]
You'll see. One day, I'll be famous
and then you'll be sorry.
- [Pop rock music playing] - TOBY: "Dear Hollywood,
please stop making so many crappy movies.
Here are a few tips to help you out:
One, story is king--
always has been, always will be."
This is eating into our drinking time.
Okay. "Remakes: Jude law...
[Mimics trumpet] ...Han shot first,
more 'firefly' and/or 'Serenity.'
the end."
Well, that's Hollywood sorted.
Shall we move on to the middle east?
- The pen's running out. - Oh. Always the way.
- [Coughs] Nerds. - Hey.
Didn't we all agree to stop using the n-word?
- Didn't we? - I don't remember.
"Nerd" is the word they use to keep us down.
You should use the term...
- "Imagineer." - Yeah.
[Laughs]
That's the nerdiest thing I've ever heard.
You are just threatened.
You're threatened because you don't understand our world.
What's there to understand? I saw one "Star Trek" film.
- I hated it and never looked back. - Really? Which one?
The first one with the big gold robot
and the little fat mailer.
You mean "star wars," don't you?
Do I? Aren't they the same thing?
No. No, they're not.
- He knows. - PETE: How would I know?
I'm not a nerd
or even an imagineer.
- Better. - I'm glad you're happy.
- Whose round is it? - [Hisses]
- Nuh-uh. - I got the last round.
Yeah, I got the biscuits from the garage.
I paid for you to get into scandals that time.
TOBY: I paid for the cloakroom.
I bought tea bags around when you ran out.
I lent you my coat.
The snug's less busy.
TOBY: Can you get me some crisps?
Thanks.
He could be wearing stealth lederhosen.
Jesus, you took your time.
- Yes, I did. - I'll get the next round.
Well done, I was impressed.
- What? - It's a lot of effort to go to.
I mean, I'm uh--
- I'm rather touched. - What are you talking about?
Cassie... Next door--
she fed me her little story.
- Cassie? - The girl in the snug.
Come on, guys-- fit, funny, dodgy American accent.
- You set it up. - Just now?
Yeah.
Look, whatever. I just wanna say thank you,
'cause I think I might actually be in with a little chance there.
Ooh, I could see why you'd think it would be a wind-up.
- You wanna hear what happened or not? - Absolutely.
Go on, make her double-jointed.
TOBY: Ignore him. Come on, I wanna hear it.
Okay.
[Disco music playing]
CASSIE: Hello, ray.
- Hello. - Hi.
I-- I'm sorry. Do I know you?
I'm Cassie.
- Ooh. - You don't know me,
but I know you very well-- at least, uh,
I feel like I do. [Chuckles]
I've read all about you.
- All about me? - Yeah.
I guess from your perspective those books haven't been written yet,
- but, uh-- - haven't been written yet,
like from the future?
Exactly.
Ah.
Ah, I see. You're a time traveler.
Bingo. Yes!
I didn't say I believed her.
- You have invented a girlfriend, haven't you? - I have not.
Time-traveling hottie visits time-travel fan.
It's not a bad idea.
How far back in time have you come?
150 years.
And where is your, uh-- where's your time machine?
Inside me.
Oh! That's handy.
Is it like, uh, a little pill?
Uh, no. It's been hardwired into my bones,
which have been replaced with a polymer composite.
So it's flexible, but very standard-issue.
Are you a...
[High-pitched] Space lady? Hello.
Nanoo. Phone home.
No. No, I repair time leaks.
- Sounds exciting. - [Laughs] No.
No, it's not, really.
It's quite dull.
This is the only perk of the job.
What is?
Meeting famous people from history.
Me?
I've read that you'd be in here on this day,
and, oh... [Laughs]
I just couldn't pass up a chance of meeting ray the great.
It's what she said.
- "Ray the great." - [Laughing]
Shut up.
So what other famous people like me...
Have you met? Have you met Einstein?
Or Elvis? Have you met Elvis?
You know what you should do? You should go back and kill Hitler.
- That's a classic. - That's also a time crime.
You're no fun.
Yeah, we call it editing-- trying to erase people from history.
- Like Hitler. - Yeah, like Hitler,
but a lot of the time it's more of a personal taste thing.
Like... Paris Hilton.
- Who? - Brilliant.
Oh. Well, um...
Yeah, they try to erase them from history
just because they don't like them or they don't like their songs
or their films or whatever.
They are totally psychotic, ray.
There's even one bunch of editors who will try to kill artists
- immediately after their greatest works. - I don't get it.
Well, it's to avoid a decline in quality.
It'd be like killing, say...
Kevin costner right after "dances with wolves."
- You could do Morrissey-- - after the smiths?
No, just generally.
George Lucas after "jedi."
Oh, "empire" surely.
Nuh-uh, you'd miss the ewok battle.
- Who cares? - I care.
RAY: Let's see how good your research really is.
What is-- ahem--
the grandfather paradox?
I-- [Laughs]
I've gotta be honest with you, ray.
I didn't exactly finish the manual.
It was like a brick. I'm more of a quick-start-pamphlet kind of girl.
Yes, sure. I mean, hey, who's got the time?
It's only history we're messing with.
Look, I'm not totally stupid.
I mean, I can safely talk to you because everyone knows
that you are obsessed with time travel.
- So? - So...
No one will believe you when you tell them about this.
Very clever, ray. Double bluff.
- I still don't believe you. - What about chaos theory?
You do know about chaos theory, right?
[Chuckles] Yes, of course!
Chaos theory is the idea
that all actions have consequences.
When you take that quantumly--
okay, um,
a bit of advice: When you are talking about this stuff,
it might be a good idea to speak with a bit more confidence about it.
Okay. Well, I will.
I'll bear that in mind. Thank you.
Chaos theory is basically the idea that tiny things can have huge consequences.
So because you delayed me from going through there,
all the little things that I was going to do have been delayed subsequently.
And that has a knock-on effect,
which can totally change the future.
So-- so, wait. That means you're going to drink your pint a little bit later,
which means you're going to go to the bathroom a little bit later.
My god, ray, you're right!
- That's terrible! We're all doomed. - [Sniggers]
Do you have any idea how rare it is to find a girl who's into science fiction
who doesn't have everything pierced?
How do you know I haven't?
[Sniggers]
Listen, you should come through, join us.
I'll tell the guys what a good job you did.
Have they paid you yet? I could get you a tip.
Not in a stripper kind of way, because you're not a stripper,
obviously. Not that you wouldn't make a good one--
you'd make a fine one. I'm sure you'd look great naked.
Well put.
No, thank you. I-i have to go, actually.
Oh, no. Oh, what's the rush?
Look, I've got a time leak to find, remember?
Of course.
Okay, um, well, I'll...
See you later, then.
Hey, in the future, maybe.
Yeah. Maybe.
- Could you... - Oh, yeah.
- I'm sorry. - [Chuckles]
Thank...
Bye, ray.
Bye.
Not bad, not bad at all.
Can't really say I'm buying the time-traveling-skeleton thing--
a bit too "Terminator."
- No, but I like sexy time-traveler. - Mmm.
- How does it end? - I don't know
'cause I'm not making it up. She was real.
I know what it is.
You know how you can pay a prostitute to act things out for you?
No, I don't.
Someone who knows ray really well has treated him to a time-traveling hooker.
- She was nice. - [Sniggers]
And you didn't even sleep with her.
That was probably in with the price.
She wasn't a prostitute.
You should have slept with her. You know why?
- Why? - 'Cause she'd have probably shagged you
into the middle of the next week.
Ay. Ay. Come on.
Thank you, thank you.
My name's Pete and I will be here all week.
Down those. We'll catch last orders at the king's head.
I'm gonna take a leak.
["Total eclipse of the heart" playing on jukebox]
Oh, because of the future thing.
- Mmm. - Ah.
♪ and I need you now tonight ♪
♪ and I need you more than ever ♪
♪ and if you'll only hold me tight ♪
♪ we'll be holding on forever ♪
- ♪ and we'll only be making it right ♪ - [Splashing]
♪ 'cause we'll never be wrong together ♪
♪ we can take it to the end of the line ♪
♪ your love is like a shadow on me ♪
- ♪ all of the time - [Zipper zings]
♪ I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark ♪
♪ we're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks ♪
♪ I really need you tonight ♪
♪ forever's gonna start tonight ♪
♪ once upon a time I was falling in love ♪
♪ but now I'm only falling apart ♪
♪ there's nothing I can say ♪
♪ a total eclipse of the heart... ♪
[buzzes]
♪ now I'm only falling apart ♪
♪ nothing I can say
♪ a total eclipse of the heart... ♪
♪ run for the sun, little one ♪
♪ you're an outlaw once again, time to change ♪
♪ superman will be with us while he can... ♪
PETE: Oh my god!
It's me.
[Glass shatters]
[Panting]
[People chatting]
♪ forever is gonna start tonight ♪
♪ once upon a time I was falling in love ♪
♪ now I'm only falling apart... ♪
♪ there's nothing I can say ♪
♪ a total eclipse of the heart... ♪
are we off then?
Oh, shit. I will see your time-traveling hottie
and raise you a pub full of dead bodies.
Is that piss on your jeans?
No...
Not all of it.
Bollocks.
Couldn't this be that leak that your woman was looking for?
So you believe me now, do you?
I still don't, for the record.
After all I've just seen, I'll believe anything.
Guys, I just saw my own dead face.
Ooh.
Go in yourself. You'll see.
I don't know. First a future woman,
and now this. It's--
it's like a time-travel murder mystery.
- You guys-- - it's not me!
- Yeah. - Are you winding us up?
No!
Look, something very bad is gonna happen.
I've just had a premonition of my own death.
Then why don't you just leave? If you're so spooked,
why don't you just run away? Go home.
- Right. - PETE: Because it's not tonight.
The other me-- the dead me-- he had a beard.
Oh, I see, a little beard.
A tenner says something happens when you go in.
Another bet. What little trick have you got up your sleeve, right, petey?
Oh, this is great. This is--
come on, let's all go.
No chance, I'm staying right here.
Well, get my money ready.
- Come on. - Are we gonna go in?
Oh, brilliant.
- MAN: Are those two dead? - What? What do you mean?
Are those two dead?
Oh. No, not yet.
[Screams, laughs]
Pack it in.
Hello, petey. Change your mind?
No, I'm just gonna watch from here.
Ugh, it certainly smells like someone died.
Shit shit shit, what the fuck are you doing?
If you've got anything planned, you're gonna get it too.
I haven't got anything planned. Will you let me out, please?!
- No! - Oh shit.
I'm in again. Oh shit!
- Ray, check the loos. - What?
Probably got some bloke in a "scream" mask.
[Laughs] Or something even more brilliant.
Ooh, it really does stink in here.
- You might as well just pay me now. - Ooh, look at this.
It's like a dungy, zooey kind of a--
it's Pete's bullshit you can smell.
Listen! This isn't a wind-up.
Do you really wanna see the future?
[Whispers] I'd love to.
[Whispers] Okay.
You've got to do exactly what I did.
What do you mean?
ALL: ♪ and if you'll only hold me tight ♪
♪ we'll be holding on forever... ♪
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I feel like I'm doing the conga
- at a really shit party. - ♪ and we'll never be...
Oh, is this really necessary, the--
I don't know, it might-- don't look! I can't do it if you look.
I wasn't. I wasn't.
♪ together we can make it to the end of the line ♪
♪ your love is like a shadow on me all of the time... ♪
- right, hold on. - TOBY: What?
TOBY: There must be easier ways to make money.
It's a science experiment.
- Mm-hmm. - [Zipper zings]
[Sighs] Hold on tight for this bit.
♪ I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark ♪
♪ we're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks... ♪
wait a minute, here's an idea--
instead of a time machine that runs on karaoke and urine,
maybe they could have one with a dial on,
you know, with dates on it...
Something crazy like that.
- ♪ I really need you tonight... ♪ - oh, thanks.
♪ forever's gonna start tonight ♪
- ♪ forever's gonna start to... ♪ - [Slurring]
♪ once upon a time I was falling in love ♪
- ♪ now I'm only falling apart... ♪ - [Metal clanks]
TOBY: Do you really do this every time you take a piss?
- A tenner says something happens. - Yeah.
It's got to be something definite,
like say, a pub full of dead people--
not just some bollocks weirdy feeling.
[Whispers] Okay.
♪ nothing I can say
- ♪ a total eclipse of the heart. ♪ - [Buzzes]
[People chatting]
- What's that I can hear? - Wait.
Oh, come on. What are they, the talki dead?
[Sniggers]
- [All murmuring] - [Toby gasps]
Oh my god, everyone's still alive.
I don't know what happened out there, but I feel dirty.
Gonna get some peanuts now.
- TOBY: Pay up! What? - We didn't shake hands.
- What, are you 12? - Look, I swear to you,
- I saw myself right here. - TOBY: "Story is king--
always has been, always will be."
PETE: This is eating into our drinking time.
[Grunts] Hi.
- Someone's got our seats, ray. - Have they? Oh!
- Our stuff's over there. - Yeah, they looked a bit familiar, didn't they, Pete?
- Just a bit. - Probably some spare seats in the snug.
That's not really the problem, ray.
- Then what's the problem? - I think you better go look.
RAY: Shall we move on to the middle east?
- The pen's running out. - Oh. Always the way.
- [Coughs] Nerds. - Hey!
Didn't we all agree to stop using the n-word?
- Didn't we? - PETE: I don't remember.
TOBY: "Nerd" is the word they use to keep us down.
RAY: You should use the term...
"Imagineer."
Should we get the fuck out of here?
So what do we do now, ray?
- What? - This is your thing.
This is not my thing. No, my thing is sitting on my ass
reading books about this shit, not actually being in it.
What about the rules? There's always rules in these things, isn't there?
Yeah, but it depends who you read.
- Well, even I know some rules. - Like what?
Like-- like you can't tread on any butterflies.
- What?! - Not just butterflies-- anything.
You can't kill anything in the past
because it wipes out all its descendants in the future
and you could end up wiping out the whole human race.
- Eh. - Don't sleep with anyone. It always ends up being
- your mom or your gran. - Oh, that's just sick.
Ray, it's still tonight. We haven't gone back to the blitz.
- You asked for rules. I'm giving you rules. - Okay, don't kill anything,
don't fuck anything. What else?
- Don't touch yourself. - I'll be honest with you,
my mind's on other things right now.
No, I mean, don't touch the other us.
We can't bump into or speak to the earlier us.
Why? Can't we just warn them not to go into the bog?
No! No. You can't do that because that would cause a paradox.
- A what? - If they don't go into the bogs,
then they don't go back in time. And if that doesn't happen, then...
We cease to exist. [Sighs]
It's a variant of the grandfather paradox.
I fucking hate Sci-Fi.
Science fiction.
- So we go back into the toilets. - No!
- We can't do that. - No, that could take us anywhere.
Yeah, but last time it took him right back to where he started,
- didn't it? - Yeah, but it also took me
- to a room full of dead bodies. - See?
He's right. It's not predictable.
So where does that leave us, ray?
I think I've got an idea.
- PETE: Hiding in a cupboard? - RAY: Yeah.
- PETE: And that's gonna stop me being dead? - RAY: Look, it's simple--
we wait for the earlier us to go into the loos
and disappear into the past.
PETE: How long do you think that's gonna be?
About another half an hour.
Oh, you're joking. My neck's killing me already.
Ow! Hot! Ouch!
Bugger. Ow!
TOBY: Can I sit down?
RAY: I don't know. Can you?
- [Pete grunting] - RAY: No pulling!
- [Thumping] - [Dragging]
RAY: Oh, I think I found a light.
- Maybe leave the light off. - PETE: Yeah.
- TOBY: Yeah. - Yeah.
Anyone want a peanut?
No.
You know, I really thought time travel would be
a bit more thrilling than this.
- PETE: Mmm. - I know what you mean.
Oh. Oh, no, wait a minute.
- Oh my god! - What?
We're half an hour in the past. She's still here.
BOTH: Oh.
RAY: Join us. I'll tell the guys what a good job you did.
Have they paid you yet? I can get you a tip.
Not in a stripper kind of way, because obviously you're not a stripper.
Not that you wouldn't make a good one--
you'd make a fine one. I'm sure you'd look great naked.
Wait a minute!
What's this?
I can-- I can feel a fir tree through here.
There's-- there's a whole other world back here...
With snow and fauns and talking lions!
Is there?
No.
- [Clicks tongue] - Dick.
I love "narnia."
- Bye, ray. - Bye.
[Sighs]
[Softly] Cassie! Cassie!
Ray, I really have to go.
Oh. Oh, no no no.
You think I'm him. I'm not him.
I mean, obviously I am.
Cassie, we really need your help. First of all,
I now totally believe that you are a time traveler.
Sorry about doubting you there.
And sorry about the whole stripper-spacewoman thing.
Okay.
And second of all, I think we found your time leak.
It's in the gents'.
[Laughs] Oh oh,
very good, very good. So the leak is, uh--
in the toilet. Yes! Yes, it seems...
- The universe has a sense of humor. - It's very funny,
and quick too.
You don't believe me.
- Oh, touche. - Oh no.
No no, this is for real, okay?
- Pete saw dead bodies in the pub. - Okay, well,
I-I gotta go climb back into my spaceship and disappear.
Why else would I have two men in this cupboard?
[Sighs] I'll see you around, future boy.
Wait! Wait, Cassie. Cassie!
I think it's time we had another little chat, ray.
- So you're sure we're okay out here? - Yes, we're fine.
No one is due out in the garden for another 23 minutes,
- so... - Okay, good.
- CASSIE: Huh. - Um...
Ahem.
- So this is a bit of a new look for you. - Do you like it?
- Yes. - [Laughs]
I mean, you know, it's very nice.
- Oh. - Very quick too.
Well, not from my point of view.
It actually took quite a bit of time to sort all this out.
- Oh, yeah? How long? - Six months.
So you just went through the door,
went to the future for six months and then came back out--
one second after I left you.
Wow.
Oh, thank you. Ahem.
So, it's um-- it's all sorted, then,
with the time leak and dead bodies.
Yep, all sorted.
Are you sure?
Ray, I didn't spend the last six months just dyeing my hair.
I'm a professional.
Mmm.
So what was all this about, then?
- I'm sorry, I can't tell you. - What? Why not?
Because that knowledge is anachronous to your time period.
Wow, that-- that sounded like you really knew what you're talking about.
I know. I know.
It's great, isn't it? I did what you told me,
and I started saying everything with real confidence,
- even if I don't have a clue. - Ha-ha.
It's just had an amazing effect.
- I even got a promotion. - Really?
- You got a promotion. - Well, I--
I got off probation.
Mm, that's pretty much the same.
Yeah.
And uh, what did you reckon to me
avoiding that paradox in there?
Ray, you hid in a cupboard.
I thought I did very well under the circumstances.
Sure, I don't have the manual to ignore--
will you stop it with the manual?
So how do we get back to the right time?
Well, uh,
you're nearly there, anyway.
- So we'll just wait? - Yeah.
In the cupboard?
I'm afraid so.
No glowing portal,
no vortex, no big starship?
Just sit and wait in the cupboard?
Yeah.
Not exactly the glamour that I had expected from time travel.
I did warn you.
Any chance I could wait out here with you?
Why?
Just because...
It's slightly better than wedging myself in a cupboard
with two very sweaty men-- not a good thing.
No. No, I imagine not.
So we'll just hang out here for awhile.
Yeah. That'd be nice.
[Door opens]
- [Woman laughs] - RAY: I thought you said we had 20 minutes.
Yeah, uh...
It's...
Not a problem. [Chuckles]
Uh, I'm just going to go check that out...
And maybe you should get back in that cupboard.
But everything is gonna be okay?
Ray, relax. I told you-- I'm a professional.
Well, they do say that things taste better outside.
My god.
"Things taste better outside"?
Twat.
- [Toby screams, laughs] - [Ray gasps]
- Hang on. - RAY: Pack it in.
I think this is it.
Hello, petey. Change your mind?
No, I'm just gonna watch from here.
Shit shit shit, what the fuck are you doing?
TOBY: If you've got anything planned, you're gonna get it too.
[Sighs]
- Where are you going? - We need to piss.
- You can't go in there. - You said your woman fixed it.
I'm sure she has, tobe, but the other us might still be in there.
Oh my-- just go to the ladies'.
Ladies'?
- [Splashing] - [Flatulence]
- I'm confused. - TOBY: You're pissing in the ladies'.
Of course you're confused.
So the other versions of us--
have gone back in time and become us.
Well, you see, you say that like it makes sense.
To me, it's just crazy talk.
I quite like it in the ladies'.
I'm so confused.
Look, Pete, don't worry about it, all right?
All you need to know is that we're back in the right time
and everything is gonna be okay.
Did you get that girl's number, ray?
Oh, shit.
You said she fixed it.
She said she had.
Maybe she didn't expect us to go into the ladies'.
And we didn't do that conga thing.
Yeah, maybe that wasn't vital.
- Oh, fuck this, lads. - No, Pete, wait!
- Oh. - Maybe he's got the right idea.
Yeah, maybe.
[Pants] Don't go in!
Oh, thank god.
It's so good to see you again at last!
What the hell happened to you?
[Sobs] I don't wanna talk about it.
Let's never speak of this again.
Oh, Pete, have you got shit on you?
Yeah, they won't attack you if you wear their scent.
Who won't?
I don't wanna talk about it.
- Uh, ray-- - yeah?
- What should we do now? - Don't know.
- Maybe we should go back to the toilets. - Yeah.
No!
It's not safe. We need weapons
and food. Yeah.
What the hell did happen to you?
I really don't wanna talk about it.
All I will say is that weapons and food...
Would be a really good idea.
Oh. Maybe we'll have a little look around
for weapons and food first.
[Sobs] Yeah. Sounds like a plan.
[Pete coughs]
[Creaking]
RAY: What do you think happened?
- You're a little bit excited, aren't you? - A little bit.
Come on, it's-- it's the future.
I've always wanted to go there.
PETE: Not alone anymore.
No more running, no more hiding, no more bad dreams.
You know, for someone who real doesn't wanna talk about it,
he can be quite chatty, can't he?
Weapons and food-- that's what we need!
Crisp, anyone?
You check the sell-by date on those?
May...
2094.
How do they taste?
Off.
So whose round is it?
- Ahh-- - ehh!
Guys...
I think I've seen us.
- What? - One time I bumped into three guys
who were dressed like this--
like we are now--
--only I didn't recognize them.
Us? In the future?
Must've been.
But we've only just put these on.
It's time travel-- shit like that happens.
Did we look well?
Yeah, I suppose so.
Too busy running in the other direction to notice.
Come on, let's get back to the toilets.
Whoa whoa whoa. What?
But we've only just got here.
[Laughs] I think we've all got the idea, haven't we?
- RAY: Hmm? - TOBY: The future's broken.
But we have to have a little look around. I mean, how can we not?
- Are you serious? - Have you actually looked out there, ray?
This might just be a bad area.
In a bad area, all right, windows get put through, kids drink on street corners.
That is the end of the fucking world.
Ray, don't you want to go home?
Of course I do. Just, you know,
in a little while.
The way home isn't out there. It's in there.
And I want to go home. I really do.
And every time I go in and come out, I pray I'm gonna to be in the right time.
One day I will be.
Pete, exactly how long have you been doing this?
Long enough to know it's better done in packs...
- [Sniffs] - That doesn't sound good.
...so they can't attack you from behind.
Or that. Let's just sit down,
all right, in the warm and wait
for rescue, okay?
Rescue? No one knows we're here.
At least out there, there might be someone who can help us.
- Like who? - I don't know.
Like-- like-- ooh, like friendly future people
- with huge heads. - You're living in a dream world,
both of you!
- I'm gonna go and get a bit of wood. - Thanks, Pete.
Not for the fire. I'm gonna turn this into a spear.
When I get back, you two-- you'd better be ready to go
'cause I'm not going alone again.
- What's up with you? - What?
How many times have we talked about seeing the future, tobe?
I'm not going out there.
Those look like the sort of streets monsters run down.
Besides, ray, I haven't really got the right shoes on for the rubble.
There's always something with you, tobe, isn't it?
"Oh, I couldn't send my script out; The margins were too wide."
"I couldn't go to that job interview; There was a spot on my elbow."
"I can't go exploring; It's the end of the world."
That last one's actually quite a good one.
No, it's fine.
You just-- you just wait there
for rescue.
And you call yourself an imagineer.
[Thunder rumbling]
Ray!
- Toby! - Pete!
What's going on? You okay?
Is everything all right out here?
Oh my god.
What does it mean, ray?
What does it mean?!
- It's us. - Do you think?
Your woman said you'd get famous, right?
Well, maybe we all do.
- What for? - I don't know.
Maybe we form a band.
Can anybody play anything?
- Maybe we learn? - And maybe it's not a band.
TOBY: Do you think-- do you think they did it from photos
or do you think we posed?
- We're dressed as we are now. - Yeah, that's a head fuck.
- [Metal screeches] - Whoa!
- What was that? - What was what?
- That noise. - There was no noise.
- RAY: Pete? - [Metal screeching]
Shit! What the fuck was that?
- It sounded like mandibles. - What?
- It's what insects eat with. - I know what mandibles are.
- Big insects. - There was another sound. It was like a moaning sound.
PETE: Big moaning insects. Back to the toilets.
No no no, wait wait wait.
- We don't know that for sure. - Yeah, I mean,
the insects could be... anything.
Right, it could be like... my big friendly future people,
you know, with their little spindly bodies and their huge hands.
[Metal screeching]
[Grunts]
[Rustling]
I think we got a little bit spooked over nothing.
Shh! Things can come in here as well, you know?
- Things? What kind of things? - Shh.
No no no. I will not "shh."
- You're freaking me out. - Toby, leave him alone.
No no, ray. Look at him.
He is covered in shit and scared shitless.
Don't you think it would be handy to know what did that to him?
- Aren't you just a little bit curious about-- - PETE: Shh.
One time I came in here,
I went out through that door,
and I fell.
Must've been when the ground level was different--
40 feet different.
I landed in a wood.
I couldn't tell you what time I was in.
If it was the past, then our fossil records
are pretty fucking far from complete.
But I wasn't the first to fall.
- You met other people? - I didn't say they were alive.
There were things in that wood--
they only came out at night...
The breathing...
The noises...
The screams.
- [Scream] - Whoa!
- [Toby laughs] - RAY: Pack it in.
TOBY: Hello, petey. Change your mind?
PETE: Shit shit shit. What the fuck are you doing?
If you've got anything planned, you're gonna get it too.
[Whispers] It's us.
PETE: I haven't got anything planned. Will you let me out, please?
- We can warn ourselves. - No no no, if we do that, then we cease to exist.
- Oh shit. - Exactly.
TOBY: Ray, check the loos.
- RAY: What? - TOBY: Probably got some bloke in a "scream" mask.
Not a fucking sound.
Ooh, it really does stink in here.
TOBY: You might as well just pay me now.
It's like a dungy zooey--
- it's Pete's bullshit you can smell. - Listen!
PETE: This isn't a wind-up.
- Do you really want to see the future? - TOBY: I'd love to.
PETE: Then we've got to do exactly what I did.
RAY: What do you mean?
PETE: ♪ ...I can say
♪ a total eclipse of the heart... ♪
- gone. - [Groans]
Oh, that's just great. That's so fucking great!
I could have saved myself-- saved us.
Pete, we'll cease to exist.
Yeah, well, I don't care.
And if I get the chance to warn myself again,
I'm gonna do it and the hell with anyone who tries to stop me.
Shit.
I was wondering when that was gonna happen.
- Wait! - Pete, no!
- Pete!
["Land of make believe" playing]
- What is this? - Okay, ray, keep it together. Keep it together.
What would miss marple do? What would miss marple do?
TOBY: There's hundreds of us.
How can there be hundreds of us?
Did Pete touch himself? Is this what happens when you do a big paradox, hmmm?
They aren't us, tobe. They're only dressed like us.
Oh, well, that's all right then. Now it makes complete sense.
RAY: Okay, what we need to do now is find Pete
and get the hell out of here.
♪ not for all the tea in China ♪
♪ or the corn in Carolina ♪
♪ never never ever
♪ they're running after you, babe ♪
♪ run for the sun, little one ♪
♪ you're an outlaw once again, time to change ♪
♪ superman will be with us while he can ♪
♪ in the land of make believe... ♪
tobe,
I think I know why everyone is dressed like us.
- Why? - It's a theme night--
a fan theme night based around us.
Come on. It's a bit of a stretch, isn't it?
- What makes you think that? - Big sign just over there.
Fans... of us.
- Do you think we're here? - What?
The famous future us.
Oh my god, I hope not.
Yes, it is me.
[Purrs] Hello.
- What the hell are you doing? - Chill out, ray.
- These are my people. - No, they're not. And this isn't even our time.
Can't we just soak up a bit of the love?
No, we can't.
Now this is what I call a future.
Well, tough,
because we are just here to find Pete and get the hell out of here,
so now you just stay where I can see you.
Guys, is it the real you?
- It's the real us. - Oh!
- Did you touch yourself? - No.
But I think I've broken time.
- The whole world's full of us. - You haven't broken time, you knob head.
Yes, Pete, what you did was very very dangerous.
And I want you to promise me that you'll never do it again.
- No. - What's that?
Someone slapped it on me.
He's won the Pete lookalike competition.
Well, he does look a lot like him.
You do. I wonder if they did one for me.
Okay, let's go.
- Uh, guys? - What?
Look.
Oh.
TOBY: Look at the table.
I'm writing.
I'm Jesus and I'm writing.
It's that letter thing to Hollywood.
This isn't my fault as well, is it?
- When I broke time? - This is probably something else, Pete.
Are you sure it's that letter?
It's blank in the painting, but--
I left it on that table. It has to be that.
Oh, so someone does a painting of us because we slag off some films?
Of course it sounds stupid if you put it like that.
You ripped that page out of your little book, right?
Yeah, and?
Was there anything on the back?
- Might've been. - Might've been?
Shut up. I'm just trying to think.
You know, every time I come up with a genius idea
or one of you two says something stupid, I put it in there.
- God, could be anything. - [Disco song playing]
It doesn't matter what it is, does it?
- What do you mean? - You don't do paintings of nobodies.
Whatever I wrote, it turns us into somebodies.
I think it's safe to say we are rich and we are famous.
Then why aren't we smiling?
I don't know, maybe the artist wasn't very good at teeth.
- Maybe it's a memorial. - Oh, drop it with the bodies.
- His woman said she fixed it. - Oh, yeah.
She said she'd fixed the time leak and I end up getting chased about by monsters.
If Cassie said that we're safe, then we are safe.
- I trust her. - Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
- Let's go. - Whoa, slow down!
- Let me finish this drink. - What?
- Where did you get that? - Some waiter guy.
- It's free bar. - Would you like to stock up on the buffet while we're here?
- There's a buffet?! - Oh.
Hey, guys, the cavalry's here.
- Cassie says hello. - You know Cassie?
I trained her. Sergeant Porter, causal adjust,
but you can call me Millie. Hi.
- I'm here to get you home. - [Sighs]
- Hello, Millie. - Hi. We have been looking for you guys everywhere.
Us, what-- are we safe?
- We don't get killed? - Uh, well, officially, I can't comment.
But unofficially, everything is sorted.
- Oh! - [Laughs]
But I still get rich and famous, right?
Officially, I cannot comment, but unofficially you get your own island.
Yes!
Okay, so how the hell do we get out of here?
Okay, well, you just leave that to me.
- Okay. - Okay.
Come on, boys.
Okay, a little bit weird,
but it turns out everybody in the future...
American.
Come on.
I thought she was going to do something more than tell us to get back into the bogs.
Yeah, me too.
So are we back?
We're back.
Yeah, but at what time of night exactly?
[Dog barking]
- Pfft! - We can't slag off sequels.
You know? There have been some really good sequels.
- Like? - Like, uh...
"Mad Max 2," "godfather ii."
RAY: Yeah, but for every good one there are 10--
I wish they'd just hurry up and bugger off.
Yeah, it's gonna be another little while yet.
Look at us-- not a care in the world.
They have no idea what's in store.
RAY: Yeah, we look so happy.
Okay, ladies, um...
We know they stay there for awhile.
I think it's worth the risk.
There you go, mates.
Gonna get some peanuts.
PETE: We didn't shake hands.
- What, are you 12? - Look, I swear to you-- I saw myself right here.
Huh? Where are my crisps?
- I'm starving. - The bar was a little busy.
Maybe later.
TOBY: Well, get my money ready.
RAY: Are we gonna go in?
Oh, brilliant.
TOBY: Am I really that fat?
They say that time travel adds 20 lbs.
And you've traveled a lot.
[Snickering]
- Are those two dead? - What?
What do you mean?
Are those two dead?
Oh, no, not yet.
Finally.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Are we ready, children?
- Come on. - Get on with it.
[Sighs]
Well, I never!
- It's nuts. - I never would have thought it was that.
So do we just leave it here?
Yeah. Yeah, I assume someone just finds it
and it all goes from here.
I think-- I think I feel good about it.
Do you feel good about it, tobe? It was my idea.
- My idea. - Our idea.
You might've come up with the seed, but I watered it.
Yes, but without our seed
- you have nothing. - PETE: Yeah.
- You've got mud. - All right, well, you can have a little bit of my island.
Screw that. I don't want to live on your island.
- It's fine by me. - I need a piss.
Yes, I'll go outside.
- Don't touch yourself. - Oh ho.
Yeah, good times.
I want my own island.
CASSIE: Ahem. Hi!
- Hi! - [Laughs]
I was hoping you'd come back--
obviously not at that precise moment.
But, um, hey.
So how long has it been for you since we were last--
oh, another six months.
- I got a promotion. - Oh.
This time it's for real.
Yeah, it was for sorting all this out.
So...
You want to ask me if I read the whole manual, don't you?
Thought never even crossed my mind.
Well, ray, I am rewriting the manual.
Good for you.
So, um, you have a nice night tonight?
Well, you know, just a quiet drink with the boys in the pub--
very dull. I did meet this one girl, though.
- Really? - She said she was from the future.
What was she like?
She was just...
- Awful. - Oh!
Oh no, she was great. She was great.
You know, I never thought I'd say it,
but it's good to be back in the present.
I don't know.
All this fuss over half an hour?
What? What are you talking about?
We went years into the future-- decades.
Oh, that's very funny.
Cassie, I'm deadly serious.
We went into the ladies' through another time leak
and it brought us to this pub but in the future--
way into the future. You were searching for us--
Millie and you and all your lot-- causal adjust.
Ray, causal adjust is just another name for the editors.
- The who? - I told you about them.
They kill people at their finest hour. Millie's an editor, ray.
Oh, shit.
She brought us back here. She brought us here-- why would she do that?
Why do you think? To kill you.
Oh no. What do we do?
Okay, well, I'm going to go get help and you just stay put.
- I've got to go and warn the boys. - Ray, it's not safe in there.
I can't just leave them, Cassie. Look, you bring help
and I'll--
I'll do what I can.
Ray!
Please be careful.
[Beeping]
Whoa! Watch it, dude.
- Guys, we're screwed. - What?
- Millie is an editor. - A what?
An editor. Remember, they kill people
at their finest hour? Like-- like Kevin costner.
And I think that this-- this was ours.
Oh, let's get out of here.
No no no no no, wait wait wait. There's no point.
There's no point. They'll only find us some other time, some other place.
What do we do, ray?
[Beeping] That's odd.
I can't get a signal.
- We burn this. - What?
We burn this, we change history. Without this they have no reason to kill us.
You don't know for sure we're in danger.
- Cassie said. - I don't care what she said.
Tobe, I saw this place full of bodies.
Look, ray, just think about what you're throwing away.
If you burn that, we don't get rich.
- We don't get famous. - We don't get dead.
Look, I've come up with a lot of ideas--
- a lot of shit ideas. - Tobe--
and I know you laugh at them, but I don't mind because I thought,
you know, if I keep going,
one day I'd come up with something good.
Well, what if this is it? The one idea that makes it for me?
My one chance.
Don't burn it, ray.
It's not even your idea. I say we burn it.
You fucking would! You've always hated my ideas.
PETE: Are you even listening? It's not even your idea!
Guys! Okay, guys, we don't have time for this, right?
Just-- Pete, give me the lighter.
- Toby, don't--! - You give it to me!
Toby, you--
[clicking]
Pete, what's up with this?
Two months in a wood trying to stay alive--
that's what's up with the lighter.
Come here. Okay, you keep trying. I'm gonna get some matches.
- Give me a go. - No.
I'll be fine, just give me a go.
Excuse me. Ahem.
- Hi. - Hey, what's happening?
We're on our own. I'm offline.
- What do you mean? - My time machine inside me-- it's blocked.
- Give me the lighter. - No.
- Just give it to me. - No way.
Give me the fucking letter, Pete.
- Not a chance. - And so you deny me three times.
That's why you were in the painting. You're Judas.
- It's Peter, you moron! - Excuse me,
- all I want is a box of matches! - Yeah, all right.
- What's your point? - In the Bible, it was Peter who denied Jesus
three times, you fat twat.
Hey, that's enough, lads!
Time at the bar!
Get off me, you bell-end.
This is it.
Hi.
I have seen the original before, of course,
but in a museum. So just to be here
tonight with the creators on the night it all began...
[Exhales] Is just such a rush.
But I am sorry to say tonight
is as good as it gets.
You don't change or add to culture in any meaningful way.
This is what you're always going to be remembered for.
So why not go out with a bang rather than fade away?
Get away from him, ye bitch!
Hello. I'm sorry.
I'm pointing a rather large gun at you.
Uh, yeah. Which you got from when exactly?
Centuries beyond your time.
So what is it?
What is it?
I'll tell-- ahem-- I'll tell you what it is.
It's a mark iv carbomite assault staff--
the planetary peace corps's best friend.
It'll work in an absolute vacuum and at absolute zero.
Cold-fusion battery-- good for 50 years.
It fires homing plasma orbs
that'll cut through titanium plate 4" thick.
Really?
Well...
You didn't, like, mention its range.
I'd hit you from here.
Now get off the big guy.
[Sighs]
Millie, I know what you're trying to do.
The future generations leading from this room that wouldn't be born--
chaos theory on a massive scale. [Groaning]
RAY: Cassie? Cassie!
- [Groaning] - Right, that's it! I'm calling the police.
[Screaming]
Oh, stop it. Fucking stop it.
Everybody freeze!
Ain't nobody going nowhere.
Hey, drop your weapons.
You see any weapons, ray?
See, my time machine has a built-in armament system.
So to "drop my weapons"
would require about-- [Hisses]
Yeah, 12 hours of surgery.
You know what?
I think we're gonna have a little stand-off here today.
Oh...
Unless of course you're bluffing.
Unless, of course, that is
a plastic toy gun you made for work, ray.
Oh, poo.
That's a nice try.
I messed up, ray. I'm sorry.
No no, don't worry about it.
All in all it's been a pretty good day.
You know, I traveled through time, met you.
Know what?
I am sensing a little bit of resistance
to this whole immortality deal
I am offering here.
Toby, all you have to do
is destroy that little piece of paper
and you get to live to write another day
in your book of bad ideas
and your dead-end job.
Wow.
Or you could give it to me
and I'll turn you all into legends.
What do you say?
Come on, tobe.
I-I just-- I just need a little time to think.
What is there to think about?
She's gonna fucking kill us.
It's not that simple.
Ah ah ah ah ah!
Now this is his choice and his alone.
["Land of make believe" playing]
Oh no, the song!
This fucking song!
You know, if there was one thing I could change about this situation,
it would not be the song on the fucking jukebox!
Time's up!
Now what's it gonna be?
[Pete coughs]
[Lighter clicks]
MILLIE: Toby?
Fuck you. Chuck it!
No!
[People screaming]
♪ running-- running-- running ♪
♪ keep on running
♪ they're running after you, babe ♪
♪ run for the sun, little one... ♪
[coughing]
♪ in the land of make believe ♪
♪ run for the sun, little one... ♪
[door creaks]
♪ you're an outlaw once again, time to change ♪
♪ superman will be with us while he can ♪
♪ in the land of make believe... ♪
[glass shatters]
[Reversing]
[Wheezes]
Whoo, wow.
Janey Mac.
Oh... [Laughs]
- Did you do that? - Yep.
With my pint?
We were just dead.
- Yeah. - But--
- but now we're not. - No.
So what-- what happened exactly?
- I knocked a pint onto this-- - my pint. My pint.
I knocked Pete's pint onto this,
um, so no one could read it. So the future
then changed because we didn't become famous,
so the editors didn't send anybody to kill us.
Wow.
I think you got that wrong.
- What? - Well, Pete downed his pint, didn't he?
So that was probably my pint.
Jesus, could we focus on the us-being-alive-again thing?
Well yeah, you know, obviously. Well done, ray.
Is that it? Is it all over?
We're all okay?
Yeah, I think so.
Wow.
I've gone off this pub a little bit.
- Should we go down to the king's head? - Why not?
So-- so everything that happened tonight...
Couldn't happen, didn't happen.
Including me meeting Cassie.
Tsk. Oh.
- Yeah. Come on, let's go. - RAY: Right.
I swear I will never use a pub toilet again.
It's too dangerous.
And that's all you're taking away from this evening?
- No! - So we're definitely safe now, yeah?
- I suppose. - Suppose?!
You're the nerds. Can't you work it out?
Well, yeah, you know? Time reset, so the pub
was never full of dead people.
So you owe me a tenner. Come on!
Okay then, if time reset, the bet never happened.
Well, I did only say "suppose."
- It's Cassie! - Ray!
Oh, thank god you're alive!
[Both gasp]
[Both moaning]
- Ha. - Oh.
- So you remember me then? - Of course I remember you.
We've been going out for two years.
We've-- what?! Really?
- Yeah. Yes. - Two years?
That's... wow. Um...
Oh, uh...
Right, this is Pete and tobe.
- Hiya. - Hello.
This is Cassie. She's my girlfriend.
Ray, listen, when you knocked that pint over,
you created a feedback loop through the fabric of space-time.
The repercussions have been enormous-- leaks everywhere.
Whoa. Two years, huh?
Wow. So we must have, uh--
have we had any of the...
- Mmm? - I don't know what you're talking about.
Unless of course you mean sex, which, yeah.
Yes, yeah, we've done that lots.
Lots.
- Was I any good? - Ray!
I love you, but we only have 14 hours to save the earth.
So you have to come with me now!
- Okay. - Yeah, good luck with that, guys!
Yeah, we'll be in the king's head.
What? You guys have to come too!
I think I've done enough time travel for one night, thanks.
It's not time travel. It's a parallel universe!
- Parallel universe? - Let's go, the portal's closing!
- What the fuck's a portal? - Come on!
Look, why don't you two go?
Because someone should stay and look after the coats and the bags.
Besides, I thought I might go for your job on the star ride.
I was gonna apply for that!
- TOBY: I said it first. - Guys, guys, listen to yourselves.
Look, this is our one chance to do something important.
Yeah, we might fuck it up.
To be honest, we probably will.
Okay, we definitely will. But...
Who's with me?
Please?
As long as we're back for last orders.
There's my imagineers.
["The final countdown" playing]
Okay, let's do this.
One...
- Two-- - I fucking hate Sci-Fi.
"Science fiction"-- three!
♪ it's the final countdown ♪
♪ the final countdown
♪ we're leaving together
♪ but still it's farewell
♪ and maybe we'll come back ♪
♪ to earth, who can tell? ♪
have we gone?
I suppose.
All right. Come on, Toby. It's over.
Bollocks.
♪ it's the final countdown ♪
[man rapping]
♪ the final countdown
♪ we're heading for Venus ♪
♪ and still we stand tall ♪
♪ 'cause maybe they've seen us ♪
♪ and welcome us all, yeah ♪
♪ with so many light years to go ♪
- ♪ and things to be found - ♪ things to be found
♪ I'm sure that we'll all miss her so ♪
♪ it's the final countdown
[man rapping]
♪ the final countdown
♪ it's the final countdown [Echoes]
♪ it's the final countdown ♪
♪ the final countdown
♪ the final countdown.
[Dramatic score playing]
Get back, freak!
[Panting] Help me!
[Panting]
[Wheezes]
Toby, wait!
Don't be frightened, it's me-- Toby!
This is all getting a little bit too complicated.