♪Subtitles & translation by♪ XQ2☻
Let's go!
Let's go.
At last we meet, Captain Dark.
It didn't work.
In the middle there...
It's all in mist...
the window didn't 'explose' right...
and it's very difficult for me to do everything in one shot.
You know, I'm 47 years old...
What's that got to do with it?
He didn't bring John Woo to Hollywood!
He should be kissing my ass.
The motherfucker!
He still doesn't get that I'm not making Citizen Kane, here.
The fact that you don't use firearms
symbolizes the purity of the character.
Purity of the...☻
OK, people get ready, we got another shot in 20 minutes.
20 minutes, people, let's get ready
This isn't about the adults.
We're talking about a child.
An environment.
My client...
is "aware"...
of the responsibilities of raising a child.
She lives a quiet, peaceful life.
On the other hand, we have an actor here, who's obviously disgruntled.
Whose known past problems, I just mentioned,
are less than ambiguous.
And whose entire career experience
is with films, whose values
no responsible, "aware" parent
would ever want to expose their children to,
including myself, Your Honor.
Violence!
That's all on film, Your Honor.
The legitimacy of violence.
How does this actor play death?
Let me count the ways.
Mangled under the wheels a truck.
Strangulation.
Fracturing the skull.
Taking out the 'tibula'.
Monsieur Van Damme!
- They were low budgets. - M. Van Damme!
Every one of my movies were having heart!
Laceration.
Crushed under the 'vehicles' of a car.
Death by strangulation... Crushed ribs.
I make money with this. I feed them!
- Please be seated... - It's all about money!
- Fracturing the skull. - Allez, one more!
- Gouging out the eyes. - Again! Again!
Kicks to the groin.
- Can I go restroom, please? - Crushed under the 'vehicles' of a car.
- Thank you. - Crushed under the wheels of a truck.
Gouging out the eyes.
Crushing the skull.
Shit!
- Take off! Immediately! Take off! - Alright!
Look at that Arab's mug in the film!
See the beard?
Ever see a guy like that on a plane or a bus?
Tell me, does he look like me?
The movie's from '86.
Ever see something, and years later,
you get a notion that it's not the same thing you saw before?
Cut the crap, Chuck Norris didn't put Bin Laden up to 9-11.
Anyway, Chuck Norris works for the CIA.
Yesterday it was Schwarzenegger.
Sure, in "True Lies" the Arabs are as frantic as hyenas being throttled!
Action films gotta have bad guys.
That's what I'm saying!
In the 70's, it was Viet Kong, now it's Arabs.
Stallone in Rambo III, Rutger Hauer in Wanted: Dead or Alive
Bruce Willis in The Siege,
Steven Seagal in Executive Decision?
What's his name, Mark Wahlberg who takes on all of Iraq...
- Jean-Claude Van Damme! - He never beat up Arabs!
No, Van Damme's outside!
Hey, M. Van Damme, wait! I'm a great fan!
- How are you? - Fine and you? - Fine.
- Why're you in Schaerbeek, lost? - Going to the post office.
A quick photo for our Video Club? - OK.
Thanks! Look, it's Van Damme!
Hello!
Say hello later. Take the photo first.
Yeah! Yes!
Your turn, now. Jean-Claude Van Damme!
OK, good?
Wait, my grandma loves you...
In 5 minutes!
Thanks, M. Van Damme.
Wow, Jean-Claude Van Damme!
Cool, dude!
I thought he'd be taller.
He's a little shrimp. But a nice guy.
Classy, huh!
Great tan!
He'll be back in 5 minutes.
- Did this guy cure cancer? - Why? Did you?
No, and nobody fawns all over me, either.
He's a star! He left this shithole, for Hollywood.
He struggled to get where he is.
Farthest you've gone is, Zaventem airport!
Star, construction worker, or dog, I couldn't give a fuck!
Then why are you waiting for him? This isn't a taxi stand!
He's just some guy.
Back away from the car!
Calm down, madame!
Back off,
Calm down.
Get outta my face!
- Help me, officer. - You can't park here.
- I'm waiting for a fare, 2 minutes! - She's waiting for her idol.
- What idol? - Jean-Claude Van Damme.
- Who? - Jean-Claude Van Damme!
Go on, don't BS!
"Aware!"
- We have pictures. - Look.
- What's he like? - Great guy!
He's like anybody else, officer, believe me.
I don't believe that. The guy's a star.
He left this filthy town, went to Hollywood
and struggled to get where he is.
How far have you gone, Zaventem?
Zaventem, so what?
Ass-lickers!
What'd you say?
I was talking to them, officer. Help me out!
I was talking to them. Please!
Improperly inflated tire. Vehicle Registration!
Oh, officer! Dont...
Vehicle papers!
- Don't ruin my day, please! - I asked for your papers!
As usual, I get shit, thanks a lot guys!
- Anytime, Madame. - You'll pay for this!
Fuck, shit!
Take cover!
For once, it's not my fault!
Be quiet, Madame!
Stop, goddamit!
Don't stay here!
Go away!
Get out!
Get lost!
Shit!
Open up! What's going on inside?
What's going on!
Hey!
Get down!
Unit 27 to Central.
Jean-Claude Van Damme's robbing the post office on rue du Pavillon.
Send back-up.
He may have hostages.
Repeat: possible hostage situation.
1. The Answer before the Question
He's at his daughter's custody trial.
He can't approach his ex-wife...
He picked up! He picked up!
Hello.
(What'll get through to him?)
Monsieur Van Damme?
Hello.
M. Van Damme, Commissioner Bruges, here.
How are things in there?
Could be better.
Let's proceed in order of importance,
is anyone injured?
Hello? Jean-Claude?
No, no, there's...
an unconscious man, who's bleeding. - Fine, Jean-Claude...
may I call you Jean-Claude?
I'm Commissioner Bruges, Christian Bruges. Call me Christian.
Above all, you must release the injured man.
It's not in your interest, or mine
to have a cadaver on our hands. Do you agree?
Hello?
Will you agree to release him?
No, no. Nobody leaves. It's impossible.
What if I came there with a doctor?... Hello?
Jean-Claude?
Hello? What if I came with a doctor?
OK, but unarmed.
You have my word, M. Van Damme.
Commissioner Bruges?
Get a medic, please!
Commander Perthier, Special Team.
I just spoke with Van Damme. One moment.
Let's do this: I'll go in, personally, then, debrief,
if need be.
- I'd like to deploy my men on... - It's premature.
Got a bulletproof vest, by any chance?
I'll give it back.
Jackie.
The doctor, please!
I asked for a medic! Any chance of getting a medic?
Eric went to med school.
Let's go. Allez!
Boss!
Hello? Jean-Claude?
No! You...
You have my word that...
Jean-Claude, we're here to find a sol...
What?
Here we see the chief of police
leaving the video club, his temporary crisis HQ,
making his way to the post office in minimal attire.
Is Van Damme trying to ridicule the police force?
If so, the ploy is working, because...
the actor seems to have captured the public's sympathy
in spite of this morning's events.
[Un-der-pants!] [Clap, clap, clap]
[Un-der-pants!] [Clap, clap, clap]...
Don't shoot, I'm a hostage!
Put down the case.
Slide it over.
Check the case.
OK, go to... the room at the end.
Go on, he's bleeding!
No tricks, Jean-Claude.
Van Damme's celebrity has attracted
a lot of his fans, here to support him.
His slightest move
fires up the crowd to chant "Jean-Claude"
or chant taunts at the police, like the one we just heard
about the Commissioner's underpants.
But the situation remains tense and dramatic.
Like that, Monsieur. Don't move.
What am I doing here?
You're not... ohh!
- Calm down, Monsieur. - Ohh!
- Don't move. - Ohh! What...
What's this crap?
No, Jean-Claude, no!
Jean-Claude!
Don't move! Get lost
Calm down, Jean-Claude!
Piss off!
Raise the shutter. Help them!
Well done, Jean-Claude.
High five, Jean-Claude! You're the man! How'd you do it?
- Hey, woah! - Seriously...
- What's this? - See what he did?
Think this is a movie? All he did, was blow it!
Put him with the others quick!
Don't tell me to calm down, asshole!
You better figure a way out or I'll start shooting...
How do you do it Jean-Claude?
How do you give a guy
a kick and a punch in the balls at the same time?
It's great! You're too fast for me, I swear.
Sit. You earned a rest, Jean-Claude.
Police efforts so far don't seem to be improving the situation.
The commissioner has left the Post Office
And the policeman who accompanied him seems injured.
Hey, what's with you?
Don't you see he saved his life!
He saved all our lives!
Jean-Claude! He's still out cold.
What a fag!
You better find a way to get us outta here quick.
Or I'll shoot one an hour, starting with our national hero.
They don't suspect anything.
We can demand anything.
We demand a ransom and leave with him as hostage.
A million! We can demand a million!
A million? Where from? You see a million, here?
Ever see a million, huh? Ever?
Where do you think you are? In a post office!
Yeah but, he's a star! It's Van Damme, dammit!
They expect us to demand more than a plate of shit!
He leaves with us and the money.
And we let the hostages rat us out after we're gone, huh?
That's what I call a brain!
You know what your little trick got us?
- You realize? - I'll tell you someth...
Wanna cry at my funeral, huh? You're not the FBI, got it?
I was talking...
Go to Hollywood for drama, I'm trying to do my job, here!
Fuck your black action-men! They're no better than us, naked.
We shoot him! End of discussion!
We're not here to shoot people but to save human lives!
Exactly! To save human lives, that's what it takes.
Are you telling me how to do my job?
You just shut up, huh?
'Cause the uniforms are coming.
- Get lost! - Get fucked! - Get fucked?
Just piss off.
Had your laughs? Pretty funny, huh?
What about the kid?
The kid.
We take the kid with us.
You know anyone who'd have no problem with
a dead kid on their conscience?
Yes.
Boss!
Hello.
- Blood... - Yes, Jean-Claude?
Blood causes your bullshit to flow.
Jean-Claude, It's not my doing. The SWAT team...
took initiative without telling me. If I knew, I swear I'd...
- I have a list of demands. - Yes.
You gotta do something about the kid
first of all, Jean-Claude. The kid...
y-you have to release him.
Negative.
- You have enough hostages! - Cut the crap!
- You want the list or not? - Yes, I'm listening.
You have enough hostages!
OK, I want a million euros in small bills. - Yes.
Unmarked, with different serial numbers. - Yeah.
I want a bus to the airport, and a fuelled jet waiting.
I'll communicate the destination to the pilot, later. Voilà!
Jean-Claude... - No tricks and the hostages will be freed.
You're asking a lot.
Honestly, you realize that...
I... Jean-Claude...
Jean-Claude?
- It won't work. - What?
Look, I'm Jean-Claude Van Damme.
It's inconsistent with my image, it's bullshit.
We need something less realistic.
What do you suggest?
Hold on, I have an idea.
Listen, I'll also need a...
a sum of 465,000 dollars...
Yes.
Delivered before noon, to the firm...
Bernstein, Katz and Phillis. It's located at...
He hung up.
What's this crap? A code?
No, it's more consistent.
- Who are those guys? - My lawyers in LA.
- You shitting me? - He's right, imbecile.
- He's in a custody trial - Shut up!
Get back! You left them alone!
- Watch your tone. - I'll use any tone, shut up!
- Speak civil, OK? - Get back!
- I'm not your little brother! - Go back!
Hey, "David Carradine", I'll go when I decide.
Go back, your idol will join you. Shit faced, ass-licker!
I'm staying.
Now, I'm going.
OK, then go!
He's right. A movie star who steals a million...
it's ridiculous.
But a star demanding money for lawyer fees
looks more desperate.
Damn, not bad at all!
Go back with the others.
With the others, I said!
Look at those idiots!
Exactly: 1 + 1 = 1. It's still you.
- It's love. - 2 in 1.
In our world: 1+1 = 2
and 2+2 = 4.
So we become "selfish", we take money and don't share it.
But if 1+1 = 1,
or maybe 1+1 = 11.
That's beautiful!
I got back from Belgium today,
I was at my mother's place...
What names did he say, in English?
- Bernstein. - What?
Leon Bernstein.
Now, we don't think horizontally, we think vertically.
We stand straight in life.
We don't think in hours or seconds, it's all "neutral".
The serpent, Adam and Eve, I don't buy it anymore.
Because a serpent is nice.
And an apple's good, it contains pectin.
It reduces cholesterol.
I dunno how an apple can harm a woman.
There are people who haven't succeeded,
because they're not "aware". (not au courant)
They've no intention of knowing they exist.
Poor things, they don't know. But, I'm "aware", I've awakened.
What's "aware"?
When you wake up you wonder, what am I doing in this...?
- OK, never mind. - Peopke talk about wavelengths...
but dolphins use them too; a very intelligent animal in the sea.
We live on land.
They communicate, without speaking blah-blah-blah...
Gloria,
would you rather live with your mommy or your daddy?
I don't wanna live with Dad.
Why, Gloria?
Every time my dad is on a TV show, my friends make fun of me.
- But you love your daddy? - Yes.
But you rather stay with your mom.
I want them to stop 'make' fun of me.
Thank you, Gloria. You may be excused.
I think it's November 10th or 15th.
OK, well... anyway...
Now, there's no special requirements.
You don't have to do any training,
You don't have to be in any kind of good shape.
They'll put you in shape on the shoot.
- And, like I said... - The commission? - Huh?
- What's your commission? - Normal.
No, no. The one I was...
10%... but I'll take 8.
They'll kill my career, those guys.
You get good money, they send me to Bulgaria, in the fucking factory.
They're making the movie for like, what, a million dollars?
No, no, you're exaggerating! Look..
With the 30% sales fee.
You're exaggerating that. This movie is huge in Asia!
I know, 6 million dollars! - Yeah...
Foreign, 30%, 1.8
Producing fee, 1.250... million. OK?
Why do you do this shit to yourself? That's my job...
I get paid 4 million dollars, how much is left for the picture?
C'mon man, that's my job! Let me worry about that.
I would take less money... - Yeah?
And put me in a fucking studio.
If they get me for free. One movie only, for free; Van Damme,
it's worth at least 6 in Europe!
They pay me scale,
at least I would be in a big movie and would give me the chance...
And you have those contacts with the Studio!
What's going on here?
OK, wait a minute, you're not seeing the big picture...
No, the big picture, you're selling (the) package!
Yeah, but so does the director involved,
and the cinematographer involved. What's the matter, do y...?
Jeff, how many years you know me, 20 years? - Sure.
Once in your life, put me in a studio.
What are you bullshitting me or what?
Man, I've never done bad by you! I've always done the right thing by you!
And that's no bullshit.
Look, you're an international fucking movie star!
Name me another international movie star, huh?
You work all the time, you're well protected...
I lost my daughter.
- I'm funny... - You're gonna get over that.
Hey, remember Shakespeare:
"Time and the hour through the longest day...
everything passes"
You gotta believe me, here man, life goes on.
Especially in this town.
Stop it.
You wanna smoke a joint?
Jean-Claude, come on, it was a joke!
Hey! Look, can't you take a joke?
Hey, don't forget, you start shooting on November 10th.
I love you, baby! Keep that mojo working!
♪ They say tomorrow is another day
♪ well it's hard to say till it's all gone.
♪ It would be nice tonight to send someone to play.
♪ The song is nothing new still the song is true.
♪ Going down, down, down.
♪ Would the sound of a voice take me higher?
♪ Could the smile on his face light my fire?
♪ Could a hand in my hand inspire me...?
Hello.
- Jean-Claude... - Yeah?
The check you made bounced.
- What do you mean? - You know exactly what I mean.
It's impossible!
Jean-Claude...
If I don't get the money by noon, I'll have to drop the case.
OK, don't drop the case.
I promise you, I'll get the money. OK? Thank you.
- You've been told. - Yes, at noon. OK, fine.
♪ I won't take all what they hand me down
♪ And make out a smile, though I wear a frown
♪ And I won't take it all lying down
♪ 'Cause once I get started I go to town
♪ 'Cause I'm not like everybody else - Hey, M. Van Damme!
M. Van Damme, I'm a great fan!
- How are you? - Fine and you? - Fine.
- Why're you in Schaerbeek, lost? - Going to the post office.
A quick photo for our Video Club? - OK.
- Thanks. Look, it's Van Damme! - Hello.
Say hello later. Take the photo first.
Thanks guys.
Wait, my grandma's crazy about you...
In 5 minutes!
Yeah... Van Damme. How's it going?
- Good evening. - Can I get by? I have a...
No, you can't, it's closed.
- Closed? - Yes.
It's not yet six o'clock.
It's very important. I have a wire transfer, today, so...
Yes, but we can't...
This can't be possible!
Computer's down.
This can't be possible! No, no, it's important, I...
Tomorrow, if you'll...
No, I need it today. Look, it's very important.
I need this money for my family. You understand, family matters?
Let me speak to the boss, OK?
- OK, but quick. - I'll be 2 minutes. Thanks.
Hello, Madame, how do you do?
I'm expecting a wire transfer.
In the name of Jean-Claude Van Varenberg.
Not my stage name, Van Damme.
I'm sorry, we have no cash today.
I told you, M. Van Damme!
No, you said it was a technical problem, not liquidity.
So, 'liquidity' or 'technical' glitch which is it?
Look, give me my dough. Do something
I need it, I have no money,
my credit cards don't work. Nothing works.
We have no cash on hand.
This is not possible!
It's a bank! It's what: 11 o'clock, noon?
I need cash, I'm broke, I have no money and my cards don't work!
Let's go, sir.
Wait, what's your first name?
- Arthur. - Listen...
I haven't slept for two days... jet lag.
I have the Los Angeles Court ruling,
airplanes, toy stores, phone calls to my mother, the taxi, tips...
Wait, I have an idea.
I have a solution.
Take up a collection, perhaps, OK?
I'm a good client of this bank. I have a fair bit of dough.
You could ask people to put together $700, even 650...
and tomorrow you take it from my account, OK?
I can't!
You don't give a damn, huh?
I can't!
I want my dough!
I'm fed up! I want my cash!
I've been fed up since yesterday!
I have no cash on me.
Jean-Claude Van Damme without cash? Oh, I'll just get some. But nooo!
I haven't slept, I took a plane...
I just came from... "child custody"!
I can't... I'm burned out, guys. Help me out.
Between the taxi and the toys... Help me out!
- It can't be happening! - That's enough, let's go.
Go where?
Camera?
Camera.
Oh, candid camera!
Oh, sorry, guys, sorry!
Look Madame, it's not my day. I haven't slept for two days.
Don't air this one, it's not a good "take".
Put him with the others!
Are you nuts? It's Jean-Claude Van Damme, dammit!
C'mon, get up!
Stand, I said! Quick!
Faster! Move faster!
Come sit, here.
Ah, he sure messed you up!
Breathe. Breathe, Jean-Claude.
Oh là là!
Wow! Look how you developed your triceps!
Don't worry about it.
Watch out!
Get up! Get up!
The iron shutter!
- What? - The iron shutter!
Don't move! Shut up! Lower your arms!
You shut up, too! Arms down! Down!
Gimme a hand!
Gimme a hand! C'mon!
What's going on?
Don't stay there! Get away!
Open up!
What's going on?
Open up!
Lower your eyes.
You too, look down.
What are you looking at?
Look over there!
Open up!
What are you doing?
- Are you crazy? - He tried to get in.
How are we gonna get out now? He'll call for back-up!
Let him call whoever, I'm not giving up!
I didn't come to Belgium to end up in jail!
Watch out!
Don't do it again Jean-Claude!
I just wanted to see... that's all.
- I almost fired Jean-Claude! - OK, down!
It's a Belgian Post Office, fuck, it can't be that complicated!
Oh fuck! What do we do now?
Leave now. You have some time. Go!
- Jean-Claude's right! - Shut up!
Turn yourselves in.
Anyway, everybody saw the gunshot was an accident, right?
When I want you to teach me to do the splits, I'll ring.
Oh, bravo!
Be sarcastic, insult me,
beat up a hostage, if it'll relax you,
but I'm not turning myself in!
We gotta block the exits.
Keep an eye on them. No more fucking up!
You say he entered by breaking in
and the next sentence
you say he had a key!
We gotta get this straight, because,
we're about to declare a false accusation.
You claim he was drunk,
but I can't take that as given, until
his blood-alcohol level has been checked.
It's as simple as that.
Boss, you'll never guess who's robbing the post office!
Who?
I liked your speech. Keeps pressure on the hostages.
It wasn't for the hostages.
You heard 'Karate Kid', if we're cooperative...
Listen, brainiac, who said there'd be no risk robbing Belgian PO?
That they're like the Sisters of Mercy?
That at worst we'd miss the 12:43 train?
That idiot...
Is your pal, not mine. Your responsibility!
If you wanna continue being the boss...
Got it? You wanna be boss and give orders?
Grow some balls quick, or I'll take things in hand.
And I have no problem getting them dirty. OK?
No, no, no...
Commissioner, please!
I'm not Commissioner Please, I'm Commissioner Bruges!
They say it's Van Damme can you confirm that?
No comment for now.
Shots were fired. Is anybody injured?
How many hostages are there Commissioner?
Let me do my job, now.
- What's your plan? - No!
Please, keep clear!
Careful with it.
Hey, easy!
You know what that's worth on eBay?
No, nothing's moving.
He stopped whining?
- He stopped whining! - Don't get on my nerves.
- Is that him? - Yes.
He dyed his hair.
He's in shock.
- What, Jean-Paul? - He's still in shock.
While I was shooting the film "Hard Target",
I took a blast from a blank.
They had to reanimate me with smelling salts.
"Hard Target": John Woo! - Yeah.
- What an asshole! - Don't say that!
Woah, hold on, Jean-Claude!
Jean-Claude brought him to the States.
Without him, he'd still be filming pigeons in Hong Kong!
When he makes it big... He dumps you!
At least, he did "Face Off".
So? He could have cast you, no?
Yeah. Yeah.
But, Jean-Claude, there is justice,
after the way "Windtalkers" flopped.
Got any projects?
Not at the moment.
I saw a thing on the 'net, what's it called?
P... per... pler
Purple. "Purple Amulet".
- Purple Amulet. - Voilà.
How's that going?
- Steven Seagal got the role. - Huh?
- Steven Seagal got it. - Steven Seagal?!
You're a hundred times better!
But, he cut off his 'ponytail'.
Huh? His what?
- His 'couette'. - Couette?
- 'Horse's tail'. - I see.
For the first time.
Oh, yeah, that's tough. I didn't know.
What's with you? What's the matter?
- Me? - Yeah, you! - Nothing. - What?
- He coughed. - No, Jean-Claude.
- You trying to bother us? - He just coughed.
- He coughed. - No, no...
Do I amuse you? - No. - Yes, I amuse you!
No, no.
- So, he makes you laugh? - No.
Oh, right, it's the "aware" incident and all.
- No. - Who are you? - Drop it.
No, wait, Jean-Claude. Who do you think you are?
What's with the sweatshirt? Still wearing sweats at 40?
- Yeah. - Who do you think you are?
- I... - No, no, Shh!... OK?
He's tired. Never mind.
- He's tired? - Yeah.
I'm not tired, are you? No, you're not.
- No. - So, shut your trap!
OK?... Get up.
Get up, quick!
- Got a cigarette? - I don't smoke.
Anyone got a butt?
Hey, woah, woah!
- Well? - It's ringing, but no answer.
- No answer? - No. - Don't need this, then.
Get me a 'yell-a-phone'. Like in the movies.
To shout at them and impress the crowd.
My shift started OK, look how it ended!
I'm fed up with this, I'm tired, I'm scared!
- Can you stop... - Who are you?
I'm Commissioner Bruges.
Oh, Commissioner, I'm in a catastrophic state!
May I remind you there's a hold-up
in progress at the Post Office. Across the street...
Yeah, a hold-up, but did you see my taxi!
Th-th-therefore as I said we'll proceed step by step.
- Step by step. - Yeah, but look at my taxi!
Right now you need to answer some questions.
I picked him up at the airport. I've been doing this 30 years!
You picked him up. Did he have any baggage, madame?
I can't, man!
Just once, please!
I don't want to.
Open your mouth.
Jean-Claude, do it for me, just once!
I haven't slept for 2 days.
As a favor! This may be the last time I see you.
I wanna see that move, just once, please.
Jean-Claude, go on!
Do it for me, please, Jean-Claude! OK? Allez!
Ho! You gotta applaud that, no?
Great, Jean-Claude!
Didn't I tell you he was the best? Woah, where you going?
- Did I tell you to move? - No. - Back in your place.
Yeah, quick!
Where's my smoke?
Open your mouth!
Back a bit.
And lower.
- Jean-Claude? - Yeah?
- It's been a long time... - Don't do it.
Just once!
He bangs and says go, go, go! So I took off.
- He said that? - He said that, Commissioner.
I did as he asked; big star, and all!
- What the fuck did you do? - Fuck, I just fell! - Fell, how?
What the fuck are you doing? Get over here!
- He needs a doctor. - Are you a nurse? Sit down!
M. Van Damme!
This is Commissioner Bruges.
Would you pick up the handset,
so we can be in contact.
No, is this a joke?
No, no, Jean-Claude.
They saw you move the cabinet.
Moving a cabinet equals heisting a bank?
Shut up!
If you need anything, pick up the phone.
I'm your personal contact...
Bruges.
That's our way outta here!
Ah no, I got enough problems. I have a trial...
Shut up, I said!
Go on, actor!
You all right? Having fun?
I don't believe this!
Ze meuskl... Bruxelles...
- You read English? - Yes.
No tricks, or the dead will be on your conscience.
- What do I say? - For now, let THEM say.
He's at his daughter's custody trial.
- He picked up! - He picked up!
Hello.
- M. Van Damme. - Hello.
Commissioner Bruges, here. How are things in there?
Could be better.
OK, let's proceed in order of importance, is anyone injured?
No, no, there's...
an unconscious man who's bleeding.
Fine, Jean-Claude. May I call you Jean-Claude?
I'm Commissioner Bruges, Christian Bruges.
Call me Christian.
OK... Above all, you must release the injured man.
It's not in your interest, or mine to have a cadaver on our hands.
- Do you agree? - Yes.
Will you agree to release him?
No, no, nobody leaves. It's impossible.
What if I came there with a doctor?
Hello?
Jean-Claude?
With murder, it's no longer a heist, it's a homicide rap.
Hello?... Jean-Claude?
Hello? What if I came with a doctor?
- OK, but unarmed. - You have my word, M. Van Damme.
Commissioner Bruges...
I'll plug anyone who comes in that door.
With murder, they won't be as accomodating.
Didn't you hear me?
Well, they could come naked.
In hostage films, the bad guys get the good guys to come
in the buff, to see if they're unarmed.
Does naked, suit you?
Go ahead, tell them, yes.
Un-der-pants! [Clap, clap, clap]
Please, please...
Where's Petrucciani?
3. Stone falls on Egg, .
3. Stone falls on Egg, Egg breaks.
Hey, Jean-Claude, excuse me! Didn't recognize you!
Woh!
- Speak. - Hey, Jeff, how are you?
Hey, dawg! What's up, dawg?
Good, good, good... Not so good.
I need some money.
Listen, can you advance, er...
Can the producers advance me some money?
Listening Jean-Claude, I was gonna call you...
right after your vacation was over.
They took somebody else.
Who?
Steven.
Steven?
He promised to cut off his ponytail. Ugh...
I know it hurts. I know it!
OK, OK, can you...
Can I borrow some money from you?
Hello? You're breaking up.
- I'm losing ya! - Yeah.
- Hello? - Yeah.
Hey, man, you're breaking up here, I'm losing ya.
You must be in a tunnel or something!
Cut the bullshit.
Come on the phone. Jeff!
- All right, yeah, yeah. - What's next?
I got 'No Limit Injury'.
It's about a Viet vet...
We've done this movie 6 months ago.
- We did? - What's next?
'No Limit Injury 2' It's about a Gulf War vet...
who fights to pay for his son's education.
- Hello? - Hello, hello...
- Is it good? - I dunno.
- Did you read it? - I dunno.
What the..
OK, um...
Call the producers...
and, ah, tell them I need some money up front.
- Hey, man, I can't do that! - Just fucking do it, Jeff!
Aren't you Jean-Claude Van Damme?
You ARE Jean-Claude Van Damme, my idol!
Listen, um...
I'm pretty tired and...
Don't start with the 'big star act' here, please.
I'm having the event of... the century!
I can finally talk to you,
and what do you do...?
Let me talk to you.
Rest, but let me talk.
Close your eyes, but let me talk.
OK
Anyway, when I see you on the screen,
You're different, I must say. Really different!
Really?
You look better on the screen, I tell you.
And you're much nicer on-screen,
I assure you...
- No, it's just... - Even though you're tired,
- you're still better onscreen. - Oh yeah?
- You hurt my feelings, really. - Oh, come on!
I thought you'd be a little nicer.
All Belgium venerates you.
You're THE great Belgian star!
You represent us in Hollywood.
So, just put up with a chatty taxi driver!
- Yes. - Please. - Excuse me.
Yeah, 'excuse me', sure!
What's this nonsense?
There's no need for this attitude!
Madame, are you doing it on purpose, or what?
No, not at all!
Anyway, you're nice.
You too, but better on the screen!
It's getting hot.
- Should I open a window? - No, I wanna sleep.
Then sleep and let me talk.
All taxi drivers in Brussels talk!
You need to get used to it.
If you often come to Bruxelles you ought to know.
(Seriously!)
Star, star, star. What's that?
I tell you, I didn't expect such a response!
Look, Madame, I meant no harm...
Yeah, well you offended me. You don't realize you're my idol!
- Excuse me. - I saw all your films.
How can you possibly answer me like that? How?
Excuse me, I'm tired...
- Anyway, you must take a photo with me! - Yes Madame.
- You promise? - Yes, madame.
- And you'll sign it? - Yes, madame.
- I'll give it to my son! - Yes, madame.
Jean-Claude! Jean-Claude! Jean-Claude!
It's now, over 1½ hours since actor, Jean-Claude Van Damme
took refuge inside a Post Office in downtown Schaerbeek.
So far police have not...
She looks better on TV.
...his list of demands.
We don't exactly know what happened.
After discharging a firearm several times,
an anonymous source says...
So tell the source to stay anonymous!
Anyone who blabs, will end up badly!
Yes, M. Police Chief.
I, I... Thank you, Chief.
Call him back.
No, no, he was there and three people there.
OK, the wire transfer's authorized by the Prefect of Police.
And the ransom?
- We have to coax him with that. - Bruges, I've seen...
No assault!
There's a kid inside, I won't budge.
He picked up!
- Hello. - Yes, Jean-Claude.
I have good news. The transfer's authorized.
- Was it sent? - It'll be sent when...
you make a gesture. Sorry, it cuts both ways
And the money?
Same thing for the money.
It'll take a bit longer, Jean-Claude.
You gotta make a gesture from your end. Give and take...
What do you want?
The kid. Let him go.
I'll call you back.
The crowd's agitated. I think something's going on over there.
What's the commotion?
It seems, despite the crush of the crowd
a car is attempting to get through.
- Who is it? - What? - Who?
- The Van Varenbergs. - The who?
- Van Damme's parents. - Why don't you escort them?
Please!
Mme Van Damme! Your son...
My son's a good man!
No comment!
What are you playing at? Trying to screw me?
- Are you nuts? - Say you wanna screw me.
- I'm not saying that. - The kid stays.
- They caved in. - Shut up! He's our only protection.
- Jean-Claude's right, they caved! - Who's running this heist, him or us?
They caved to his demand, not ours. No hostage leaves!
- Hey Jen-Claude. - I said, get back!
Go back and don't move! I told you twice.
- Watch your tone. - I speak as I please. Get on back!
Shut up, you hear me?
- Get back! - Lower your gun. - Calm down!
- Get back! - Lower your gun, first.
- Go back there. - Shut up and lower your gun.
- Go back. - Now, I'll go.
They'll break off negotiations.
And I'll break off your neck.
If not the kid, then release another hostage, in good faith.
Just don't shoot, don't shoot.
Don't shoot.
Stop.
He's right.
If we release one, he'll talk.
Not the one I'm thinking of.
Police are forcing back their barricades
as street protesters press on.
Tell them we'll release one.
- Your psycho son wounded a... - Don't call him psycho!
He's called Jean-Claude.
He's called Camille.
He's called François.
He's called Van Damme or Van Varenberg!
But he's not called 'psycho'!
Get out.
Go.
He's on the phone, boss.
Gotta do something for the kid.
I need you to help us convince your son to let him go.
Jean-Claude?
OK we release a hostage, but not the kid.
There's someone who wants to talk to you.
Hello... Dear?
Mama?
What are you doing, son?
Nothing, I'm....
Nothing!
Please talk to me, cheri.
It's nothing, ma.
Mama, lemme speak to that assfucker!
Get my lawyer on the phone, now.
Tell them I'm releasing a hostage.
Don't cry, Ma.
Don't!
Ok, ok, OK!
Take them away.
It was my mother.
I don't give a fuck about your mother.
Wanna hear about mine?
- Last time I saw her was... - What?
At my birth.
First he tries to screw me, now he wants to make me bawl.
You come with me.
- Why? - 'Cause you're getting out.
Let's go, dear.
No, he stays here.
Come on.
Do the wire transfer and get me his lawyer.
Rule number 1:
It's the 'psycho' who must prove his good faith.
C'mon.
Hm?
- Leave him. - Why do I have to go?
Come with me.
Why do you want to keep him?
He stays here. You come with me. - No, no...
Let him go.
Not without me.
Not without my son!
Hello?
Boss? Lawyer's on the line.
Hi, Sir.
M-Mister... Master...
One moment...
Mr. Bernstein,
We need you to talk the voice of reason to your client.
Get him on the phone.
Come on, get up!
Let me go!
- You're lucky, you got a gun. - You got lucky, too.
Really.
Let me go! Let me go!
Damien, I'll be back! Mommy's coming back!
- Move! - Damien... noo!
Move! Get up!
Up! Up!
When I say get up, you get up!
You, one wrong word and you're dead!
Hello?
Jean-Claude, what the hell is wrong with you?
Did you get the money?
Yeah, of course, but, what the fuck?
OK then, do your job!
If you open your mouth, you'll get your kid back in pieces.
Got it?
I'll take care of him.
Take care of him?
You can't even take care of your own kid!
It's all your fault!
They're opening the iron shutter!
[JEAN! CLAUDE! JEAN! CLAUDE!]
Allez, go!
[JEAN! CLAUDE! JEAN! CLAUDE!...]
- Move back. - Nooo!
Move back, madame. Back!
Over there.
Over there, I said.
So we put it all in boxes.
I think I'll keep one Christmas bulb.
That's the one, I adore It's a little beauty.
It's a way to remember Carnival the next feast, is not too far off.
No, it's not. We had a similar idea. I kept a heart from my Chrismas tree.
To keep in mind that soon it'll be St. Valentine's
the feast of lovers. Vive l'amour!
How romantic, our Dimitri is! Today is our 1,500th show!
Voila.
This film's for me.
Yeah.
Here we are, you and me.
Why did you do that?
Or, why did I do that?
You gave me my dream.
I asked for it...
and I promised you something in exchange.
But I haven't yet delivered.
You won, I lost.
Unless...
the path you've set for me,
is a path made of pitfalls,
where the answer comes before the question.
Ah! Yes, I do that.
Now I understand why I do it.
This is the cure, of what I've seen there.
It's mathematical.
It makes a lot of sense for people who understand.
So, America,
poverty,
stealing to eat...
chasing producers, actors, movie stars,
going to night clubs hoping to see a star,
with my karate photos, in karate magazines.
It's all I had. I didn't speak English.
But I'd trained for 20 years in karate.
'Cause I didn't used to be like this... This!
This is me, today.
Before I was skinny, small, puny.
And I took up karate. For the Dojo; respect,
you believe people who say,
Osu! (Kick ass! But respectfully)
It's Samurai.
It's straight, it's not falsehood.
So that guy in America...
is not the same.
No one says to you: "Osu"
The say, sometimes in show business:
"We're gonna fuck him."
And I believed people, I believed the Dojo.
And I was harmed and I had a lot of "wives".
I always believed in love.
It's hard for a woman with three kids to say,
which one I love more.
A mother...
If you have 5, 6, 7 10 women in your life,
they each have something special,
but people don't give a damn about that,
in the 'sort-of' media.
Drugs.
When you got it all; when you've travelled the world;
when you've been in all the hotels;
when you're the prima donna of the 'pentuss'...
Penthouse.
Each hotel in each world over... travels...
you want something extra.
And because of a woman...
because that's what love is,
I try something and get hooked.
Van Damme, 'The Beast',
the 'Tiger of the Cage',
'Bloodsport-man' is hooked.
I was wrecked, mentally, physically,
to the point that I got out of it.
I got out.
But...
all that is there.
It's all there.
The things I went through!
I saw people poorer than me.
I went from poor to rich and thought, why aren't we all like that; like me.
Why privilege?
I'm a guy like any other.
It makes me sick to see people...
who don't have what I have.
Knowing they don't have... what I have.
Also knowing their qualities are...
much more... ENORMOUSLY more... than mine!
It's not my fault if I was hardwired to be a star.
I asked for it.
I asked for it, with fervent belief.
When you're 13, you believe in dreams.
Well, it came true. But me, to this very day,
what have I done for this Earth?
NOTHING!
I've done nothing!
And now I might die in this post office,
hoping for a new start here in Belgium,
in my country, among my roots.
Start again with my parents and recover my health.
To regain my life. So I hope...
that in this post office,
no idiot is gonna pull the trigger.
It's stupid to kill people. They're so beautiful!
I'm praying for that, God. Today.
I believe it...
it's not a film.
It's reality.
Reality.
I've seen things.
I was born in Belgium,
but I'm a son of the Earth.
I travelled a lot.
It's very difficult for me to judge people.
And it's been very difficult for people...
to keep from judging me,
but rather, accuse me.
Yeah, something like that.
To keep in mind that soon it'll be St. Valentine's
the feast of lovers. Vive l'amour!
How romantic our Dimitri is!
Today is our 1,500th show!
Absolutely, and I'm giving away rare items
like the red wig that Véronique et Sébastien never wore;
we don't know why;
along with a hat full of ideas for reportages.
A lovely day with Jean...
Say, Arthur?
- That's your name, Arthur? - Yeah.
The hostages gotta be freed.
No, I can't, Jean-Claude.
Sure, you can. It's easy.
We go down there,
open the iron shutter,
and split!
4. Egg falls on Stone, Egg breaks.
Really?! It's OK by you?
How long can we hold out with 7 hostages left?
No Wait.
Wait for what? Go on, what's the plan?
Your plan, after the cops question her.
- They wait for the dough. - After...
Huh, what dough?
You're waiting for them to count out a million?!
You crazy! What's a million? I won't calm down.
How you gonna get us out? She'll blab.
She won't, we've got her kid.
I'm telling you, next one to leave dies, OK?
- You can't waste them. - I'll waste anyone.
No more negotiating, only killing! Next one out is dead.
Be it hostage, or whatever!
You got that?
We negotiate better that way from a position of strength.
Oh! What are you doing?
What? Wanna hold it for me?
Let's wait until the bus...
Stop, stop! What bus? Leave by bus, now? Are you nuts?
Why not the subway, while you're at it!
Hey, you!
Going back for seconds or what?
I'm pissing.
- Pissing? - Yeah!
Why are you pissing silently?
Yeah, why, do you make noise?
- You piss white? - Yeah!
Your piss is invisible! Take me for an idiot?
Are you sick?
Do you piss a sickly yellow? Red?
There's color. You can see it at least.
- You're sick. - So, I'm sick? - Yeah.
- I'm sick? - Sure.
Wait, I'm going back to my post...
Fuck! Where are they?
Back in the room, faster!
Let her through, she's the mother! It's her son!
Move back.
What do you want?
Still trying to screw me, huh?
I was helping...
Get back!
Get back, I said, !
- Don't shoot. - Get back. Back.
Don't shoot, man!
- What are you doing? - Gonna shoot me, now?
What am I playing at? What are YOU?
- Whose side are you on? - You're panicking!
- Whose side, huh? - Shut up, don't piss me off!
Oh, woah! Let go!
[WE WANT INFO! WE WANT INFO!]
Get the fuck out, I'm telling you!
Motherfucker!
Let go.
Sir!
My son, Jean-Claude...
- What's going on? - Is Jean-Claude dead or...
Answer me! Dammit, he's my son!
Shut her up! Stop her yelling!
Leggo, I said!
Leggo!
What?
Go on, shoot! Shoot.
You too, get lost!
Back to our correspondent in Los Angeles...
Hello?
It seems Van Damme's attorneys have a statement to make.
We represented Mr. Van Damme for over fifteen years,
which is a lot of time, a lot of business, a lot of friendship, so...
It's with the greatest regret that
I had to prepare the statement with my colleagues
"Because of M. Van Damme's behavior and for ethical purposes,
my firm and myself hereby,
immediately cease to represent Jean Claude Van Damme."
Get, over there!
Boom!
Just like in movies.
Oh!
What the hell are you doing?
Whose side are you on, cretin? You let that moron soften you up?
Oh yeah, I'm the cretin?!
Yeah, you're a cretin; a 32 year-old man who still watches karate films;
who gets suckered like an amateur!
- Amateur? - Yeah!
Heisting a post office at my age, is a youthful error!
But at 52?...
Yeah, right, man. 52 years old!
That's why you owe me respect. I could be your father!
You, my father?! Because of your age?
No, 'cause I fucked your mother!
Take that!
All right... you happy now?
You never went to school...
otherwise, you'd know that if a stone falls on an egg,
it's the egg which breaks
an... egg... which...
egg... which falls...
is...
is, isn't...
is...
'cause you can't...
can't save...
the world...
even if you had...
the eggs.
What?
We agreed, no mother insults, right?
I don't wanna die.
No.
I don't wanna die.
No.
It's over, it's over.
Don't worry, Jean-Claude.
We're better off without the asshole.
Hello.
- He put a bullet in his head. - That's nice. Put Jean-Claude on.
Hello...
Hello.
- Jean-Claude. - Hm?
I wanted to ask you...
Could you give me an autograph?
'To Arthur'.
Huh?
Promise?
Thanks.
The cops.
- No! - Yes...
Arthur?
Arthur, don't shoot!
Police!
Police! Don't move!
I'm a hostage!
Get a doctor here, now!
Drop the gun! Jean-Claude, drop the gun!
Hey, woah! Piss off! Get out or I'll shoot!
- Drop your gun! - Let him go.
Drop your gun!
Clear out or I'll blow him away!
It's not him!
Not Van Damme!
It's not Jean-Claude!
It's not him!
- Get outta here! - Drop the gun!
I'll blow him away! Get out!
- It's not me! - Shut up!
What are you doing, Perthier?
He's no criminal!
I'm arresting him for extorting $465,000 from the Belgian State.
- Extortion. - It's not extortion!
- $465,000 There's no extortion!
You're a real asshole!
♪ You'd better listen, my brother
♪ 'Cause if you do, you can hear
♪ There are voices still calling from across the years
♪ And they're cryin' 'cross the ocean
♪ And they're cryin' across the land
♪ And they will until we all come to understand
♪ None of us are free
If one of us is chained,
♪ None of us are free
[A few months later]
During the trial, Jean-Claude Van Damme seemed serene
wishing to maintain his silence.
Here he comes...
One moment. M. Van Damme, a statement?
Do you agree with the court's decision?
Chris Kurson. Chris, are you there?
Thanks, Kitty, the results are in.
Jean-Claude Van Damme has been convicted for 3 years.
One year jail time two years probation...
FREN: Jean-Claude Van Damme, I repeat, has been sentenced to 3 years,
with a 1 year term for extortion.
The actor will probably serve his sentence
in a prison outside Brussels.
This brings to a close a thrilling courtroom drama.
In other news, we've just learned of the spectacular escape...
If the knee is lower than the foot,
on the windup like this, there's no strength.
ENG: Lower, which is bad...
I'm gonna kick like this, with no power. Check...
Knee too low...
If I put my knee high, I can even kick higher. Go higher.
Then I go: Bam!
It's something moving.
Van Damme!
Harder. Normally...
What if somebody come at me with a knife?
- Van Damme, visitor! - A knife?
Then I keep my distance, and my knee high...
You have a knife, I go inside you
And I can go above you. You understand?
FRE: Van Damme! Visiting room!
EN: I'm coming. I'm coming.
It's my mother.
See you, guys. Thank you.
Hi, Mom.
FR: Aren't you cold?
No, no. I just gave the guys a karate lesson...
- You teach karate? - Yeah, it passes the time.
That's nice.
Your father asked how you were doing and
wanted to tell you stuff from him...
Everything OK with him?
Look, I'll be right back. I have a surprise.
- Oh yeah? - I have a surprise. Be right back.
- Mom, I've had enough surprises. - Yes, wait! Be right back.
We don't have much time. - No.
Hi.
♪
♪Subtitles & translation by♪ XQ2☻
♪
♪ I catch a paper boy
♪ But things don't really change
♪ I'm standing in the wind
♪ But I never wave bye-bye
♪ But I try,
♪ I try (try, try)
♪ There's no sign of life
♪ It's just the power to charm
♪ I'm lying in the rain
♪ But I never wave bye-bye
♪ But I try,
♪ I try and try and try
♪ Never gonna fall for modern love
♪ walks beside me, modern love
♪ walks on by, modern love
♪ gets me to the church on time
♪ Church on time, terrifies me
♪ Church on time, makes me party
♪ Church on time, puts my trust in god and man
♪ God and man, no confessions
♪ God and man, no religion
♪ God and man no, I don't believe in modern love
♪ Modern love
♪ It's not really work
♪ It's just the power to charm☻
♪ Still standing in the wind
♪ But I never wave bye-bye
♪ But I try,
♪ Doo-doo-doo. I try and try and try
♪ Never gonna fall for modern love
♪ walks beside me, modern love (Dress warm!)
♪ Modern love gets me to my church on time
♪ Church on time, terrifies me
♪ Ah, makes me party
♪ And it puts my trust in God and man
♪ God and man, no confessions
♪ God and man, no religion
♪ God and man, no I don't believe in modern love
♪ Modern love