FEMALE REPORTER: Breaking News.
There's been an incident at the Monte Vista High School lock-in.
Two LAPD officers were at the scene and witnessed the crime.
We go now live to Monte Vista
where students were gathered for the annual school dance.
Well, Officer Lagney and I arrived at the scene
to find these "packs" of gang members in the midst of gun violence.
We immediately pounced the evildoers and we had the situation under control.
Yeah, we have to take care of this before more innocent kids are hurt.
Bunch of savages.
Animals that belong in a zoo.
JASON: First of all, that cop is high as hell. Look at him.
Second of all, that's not even how it went down. Let me rewind to the beginning.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
This was actually the greatest night of my life.
Would you believe me if I told you it was a tale of love?
The cops may have labeled it a tragedy,
but you can never trust the police.
Hey, this is my story.
So I should tell you, it'll probably be a little racist.
DJ ON RADIO: Where you gonna be at tonight?
You best believe that you're gonna be over at Monte Vista High School
because it's going down.
Supa Sizers out there with their smash hit The Hater Dance
will be in the neighborhood, man.
It's Power 106's annual "Unity in the Community" school dance
going down at Monte Vista High School.
Power 106.
(HIP-HOP PLAYING ON RADIO)
Well, I love that Supa Sizer.
That motherfucking Hater Dance song is the shit.
I'm not gonna give in to that Supa Sizers' song.
(TURNS RADIO OFF)
Press it just as soon as I can.
You want Mamma to walk you in, baby?
(GRUNTS) No, Mamma, I'm good.
You ain't good, nigga.
You ain't about four feet goddamn tall. Hold on.
Your Mamma coming.
I don't want nobody fucking with my baby.
Ma!
I protects my baby.
- Come on. - (JASON GROANS)
Let's go.
Now, listen. If some shit goes down, I want you to page me, all right?
Ma, nobody uses pagers no more. We got iPhones.
Man, I know what's going on in these streets, God help you.
Ma, I promise, I'm good.
All right, well, listen, I gotta get to the motherfucking church anyway.
Go in there and make Mamma proud. Learn something.
Give Mamma a kiss, little baby, before I go.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Kiss me, nigga, before I blow... (KISSING NOISILY)
(GROANING)
I love you.
Take care and learn something today. Make Mamma proud, you little bitch.
Tell your teacher I said, "Hey."
You got something for me?
Yeah, I got something. Hold on.
All right.
BOY: Roll on, I got you. I got you.
You don't put that football down, I'll fuck your ass up.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
The Rangers, those dudes are amazing.
Best dance clique in our school.
And one of them is actually my older cousin.
Day Day.
I met him at a family reunion once,
but I don't even think he remembers my name.
See, man, I'd do anything to be down with that clique.
Now, that's what it's about here. Cliques.
Now, they're not gangs, but it's far from that study-buddy shit.
It's more so sororities and fraternities
without the college education and social benefits.
Let me explain.
Each school is divided and segregated into cliques.
Monte Vista is no different.
You got your backpackers,
the nerds,
the vegan, tree-loving dreadheads.
You got your dirty ghetto kids aka your hood skaters.
Oh, and that's Stinkfinger.
Across the street,
you'll find the lamest fools to ever set foot in the hood.
Girl, let me carry your books for you, girl.
They all dropped out of school like 10 years ago
but these fools still up here every single day.
Bunch of old wannabe gangsters who wanna holler at young chicks
but always fail miserably.
We're not carrying any books.
And if we were, you wouldn't be able to touch them.
You wanna carry these balls then, bitch?
Yeah, put the balls in your book bag, bitch.
Told the bitch to carry my balls.
Say what?
I said, "Carry my balls, bitch."
Come again, say what?
- Let's ride out. - I know. That's right.
JASON: Then there's the Ese's.
The real gangsters.
Legend has it if you look one of them in the eye, you could die.
Where we come from, blacks and Mexicans have never gotten along.
It's the ghetto civil war that defies logic.
It's like vegetarians beefing with vegans. It's the same shit.
See what I did there?
And the most notorious badass Ese of them all is Big Junior.
A while ago he got sent to prison for burning down a school dance
'cause he thought some blind guy was looking at his little sister.
Who just so happens to be the girl of my dreams.
Anastacia Moreno.
I've been in love with her since we shared a nap-time towel in the first grade.
I was so nervous, I pissed on myself,
all over the towel, all over her.
(RECORD SCRATCH)
I sure enough did.
She hasn't looked my way since.
It's probably because we're from two totally different worlds.
I mean, she's a Sweet Gyrl.
A part of the hottest female clique that my school has ever birthed.
Let's take a moment to enjoy.
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
JASON: Man, look at her.
She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. (GASPS)
Wait a minute.
Is she looking at me?
Jason B.B. Jackson.
Oh, this is my shot. This is my moment.
Seize the opportunity.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(STUDENTS WHOOPING)
Go get 'em, buckaroo.
JASON: Oh, yeah, I forgot to introduce you to the Prairie Puff Man.
The tobacco industry's propaganda pitchman
that's been killing kids for years.
I wasn't always super cool.
Till I discovered these.
My mother smokes eight packs of these death-doobies a day.
And since she's a single parent,
he's the only man I've ever seen in my house.
Prairie Puff Man is like my guardian angel.
Don't cheat.
My role model.
(JASON READING)
Go get 'em, buckaroo.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
My nigga, what the fuck, bro?
(CROWD GASPS)
What's that?
(CROWD LAUGHING)
JASON: Worst moment in the history of fucked-up-ness.
Ay! He's so little.
It looks like a dick but smaller.
GIRL: That is gross.
(LAUGHING)
JULIAN: Little dude ain't even circumcised!
What was that, bro? Why you even looking at this nigga's dick?
This nigga's dick look like Franklyn.
Hey, bro, pull your pants up.
He's still sitting there with his pants down.
(PRINCIPAL ROGERS CLEARS THROAT ON PA)
Hey! Wait up!
PRINCIPAL ROGERS: Attention! It's 7:45.
Will the student who lost their prosthetic leg
please hop your ass down here to the guidance counselor's office.
Hey, guys! Hey, guys! Wait up.
Yo, how can I be a Ranger?
I know everything about y'all. I got all your mix-tapes.
I know all your dance moves.
I was even thinking of getting a Ranger tattoo.
Yo, this nigga is a stalker.
I'll do whatever it takes, I swear.
Okay, little piggy-in-the-blanket dick.
You really want that Ranger life?
Day Day, whip it out.
(RANGERS READING)
LANGSTON: Memorize it.
Now, if you want to pledge to be in the illest clique,
you got to get the drawers off one of the illest chicks.
That's right. Panties.
When you come back with a fresh pair of Sweet Gyrl panties, you're in.
Uh, can't it be like a sock or something?
RANGERS: Panties!
Like these.
These are Keisha's from last night.
She just gave you those?
For sure.
LANGSTON: All right, now here come them sugar drawers.
Take your pick, little dude!
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
Yo, yo, yo, snap out of it, Un-Circky!
This Ranger shit is real.
South Central wasn't built in no day.
So can you pull it off or what?
Uh, when am I supposed to have this done?
Tonight.
- Tonight? - RANGERS: Tonight.
But you just said South Central wasn't built in a day.
Uh, I don't know what that shit means. I just be saying shit.
Y'all expect me to have sex
with one of the most untouchable girls in our school tonight?
Yeah.
That's not even humanly possible.
Yeah, it is.
Tonight is the "Unity in the Community" school dance, fool.
And it's a lock-in.
And you know what happens at the lock-in, boy.
(RANGERS MOANING)
Okay, for those of you that don't know what a lock-in is, let me explain.
In an attempt to give all races and classes of students a safe party environment,
and keep them away from gang violence,
we have an all-night campus party that culminates in a sleep over,
in the gym.
Nice, safe and wholesome, right?
Wrong.
Instead of the lock-in, they need to call it the "get it in."
Because that's all that's happening all night long.
- Everybody sneaks off somewhere to get their freak in... - (MOANING)
drink in, smoke in,
and frolic in.
But the main attraction is the Power 106 concert and talent show.
Last year The New Boyz took home $2,000 and a major label record deal.
Their lives changed forever.
And they're coming back this year to judge
and give another act a ticket out of the hood.
- (BELL RINGING) - Oh, shit, y'all.
We're late! We better get to class.
Nigga, we're The Rangers. We're not worried about being late to class.
Yeah, we run this school. This school don't run us, extra meat.
Yeah, nigga. Quit tripping.
I'm with the big dogs running this school.
This school don't run us. (CHUCKLES)
Ain't that right, dude?
Langston?
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
Tardy, tardy, tardy!
Get your Hot Pocket-sized ass to my office!
In here, sir.
Little-ass homie, in here.
(SCOFFS) Ain't that a rip?
Damn. That's what's wrong with you kids.
Your mind is filled with all that bullshit.
I'm sick of it. If I was your daddy, I'd be the one who tore your ass up.
I wouldn't play here. I wouldn't put up with none of it.
That's right. I'm trying to...
Ooh!
Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that, that, that, that...
(FEEDBACK SQUEALS) Stop looking at my girl.
I'm gonna tell you one time and I ain't gonna tell you no more.
Keep your eyes and your mind off my bitch.
(SCOFFS)
I mean, my faculty. I'm sorry about that, Mrs. Johnson.
She hears every damn thing. Everything!
Yeah, she is a bitch sometimes.
I needs to talk to you.
About that little butt-naked dance you just did
out there on the quad just a minute ago.
Well...
I'm not circumcised either.
(LAUGHING)
And I'm sixty-some years old, still ain't circumcised.
Join the club!
You've got a turtle-neck little dick, too.
You got a German Shepherd dick.
I got a German Shepherd dick.
You got a Sean John leather on your dick. That's what you got.
That's right. Levi leather.
(LAUGHS)
I know it. When your little dick gets a little blanket lint on it,
and cookie crumbs, stuff like that,
it's hard to (BLOWS) blow out.
I know what you're talking about 'cause I deal with it all the time.
You ain't even gotta use a condom. Just twist the tip up like a balloon.
That little ball will pop up. (MAKES POPPING SOUND)
More pleasure!
- Principal Rogers. - What?
Is there any reason that you have me in your office?
Yes, there's a reason why I got you in here.
I wanted to ask you something.
You having a problem out with 'em Ranger boys?
The Rangers? No, they're my friends.
That's what I'm talking about. See that! See that!
I'm sitting here trying to defend you and you're running with 'em!
I'm gonna tell you something, Jebediah,
you're trying to start some shit around here.
The Rangers, now, all of a sudden, is your friends.
Ain't that a bitch.
You run around here fooling with the Mexican kids.
They're gonna fuck one of y'all up, up around here.
Somebody's gonna bend you, spin you and go up in you. This is my school.
And I won't play that. I don't like any of them one bit!
Are you getting initiated into a gang, young Jiminey?
Uh, my name is Jason, and no, I'm not.
Cut the... I'm gonna tell you something, Jethro.
You're gonna try and start a race riot.
You better leave them Mexican kids alone, they're gonna jump on you.
Yeah, four to five of them are gonna jump on your little ass.
They're gonna have Home Depot little jackets on, they don't play the fool.
Yeah. Damn shit.
You think it's a game?
You're gonna end up on First 38.
- First 38. - I thought it was 48.
Yeah, it's 38, nigga.
Yes.
I hear you need one more volunteer teacher tonight for the lock-in.
And you heard right, baby. I need you here.
Quicker than a cat can lick his ass.
- (LAUGHING) - All right, great. I'll see you there.
- I'm gonna tear that ass up tonight. - Huh?
Are you going to the school dance tonight?
Yeah, come on. Get your little nosey ass out of here. Get on out of here.
The Hater Dance.
Oh!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)
What the fuck?
It seems like today is your unlucky day, Day.
That's funny, fool.
Yeah.
Yo, why y'all messing with me?
I know you got some lawns to mow or something.
(GROANS)
So, Day Day, you have a really important phone call.
Who's this?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
What? Nigga, speak English. Who's this?
It's Junior. Just got out and he wants his money.
Yeah, don't keep him holding on the phone, Holmes.
That's rude.
My bad, Junior. I didn't know it was you. How did you get out?
I thought you were in jail for triple life.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(GROWLS)
Look, man, I got your money. Don't worry.
OPERATOR: Insert 25 cents for another minute.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
What did he say?
Don't ask me, fool. I don't speak Spanish.
(BIG JUNIOR SPEAKING SPANISH)
$2,000 by midnight or Junior's gonna kill you.
(SIGHS)
Shit.
2 grand.
Where am I gonna get that from by midnight?
- Day Day, you cool? - Hell no.
These Ese's are threatening me over some shit my wack-ass father did!
Uncle D-Smoke?
Yeah, that lying-ass nigga, Darren.
See, my mamma thought it would be a good idea for me to go visit him in prison.
TRINA: Say, "Hi, Daddy!" Say, "Hi, Daddy!"
Hi, Daddy.
Whose goddamn white baby is that?
This is your baby, okay? He's just light skinned. Mmm-hmm.
That one might be mine.
That one right there, I'm not totally sure.
Just because you named him Darren don't mean he belongs to Darren.
But I don't care what this baby's name is,
this baby is rice skinned but not light skinned.
That is a white child.
That is Caucasian from the mountains of Caucasus.
That is a Slavic baby, a Viking from Iceland.
That baby got 730 as a credit rating right now as an infant.
You the only one I've been with, Darren.
Bitch, let me explain to you the math. I've been in here 16 consecutive years.
You know how long "consecutive" is, don't you?
Okay, so, it means one right after the motherfucking other.
'Cause I ain't never missed a day.
So clearly you've been having some conjugal visits
with some other motherfuckers other than me.
That's not my baby.
That's almost a grown white man you've brought in here.
His glasses are certainly grown.
I've never seen a baby with that type of prescription.
And why does that baby look like Officer Joshua?
Bitch, you've been fucking the guard?
TRINA: Ew! Nuh-uh!
Hey, Darren, stop talking to my mom like that, man. Be respectful.
You're absolutely right. I apologize for that.
- It's just that this bitch... - DAY DAY: Damn it. There you go again.
Your mother was misbehaving.
Sorry, I should've set a better example in front of
the nice white gentleman and your mother.
All right, so, could I please speak to my black son privately, please?
- Would that be okay with you, Trina? - Mmm-hmm.
I mean you no disrespect, sir.
Hope to work for you one day when I get out.
Come on, baby.
Raggedy head...
You have to excuse me, son. This is my first white baby.
What's up, man?
I'm in a jam.
- What? - Uh...
There was a gambling incident and I need, like,
13,000 cigarettes, preferably 6,000
of those non-menthol and then like 5,000 pineapple fruit cups.
That's worth about $2,000
on the open street market.
If you can handle that for me, I'd appreciate it.
Darren, what are you talking about?
Well, see, what had happened was...
Wait, you're gonna do a flashback within a flashback?
Nigga, you know you can't do that.
Nigga, I'm a criminal.
That's what I do, what I'm not supposed to do.
So, now.
What had happened was...
No Mexican has ever beat me in Dominoes. Ever.
But one day the cash was on the line,
I had been sipping that lean and he caught me slipping.
(ROARS)
What's this got to do with me? This is your problem.
Uh, I didn't have the money,
and in lieu of the money, (CLEARS THROAT)
I told Junior and his crew that I had a rich son
in a famous rap group, and I'm sure a little funky $2,000
don't mean nothing when he's clocking all the dollars out there,
Mr. Major Buckety Bucks.
What? Man, we ain't signed yet. I ain't got no money.
All right, well, let's not be a Gloomy Gus.
Okay, if you didn't learn nothing from your white brother, learn
always look on the bright side of life.
But you still haven't given him any money?
No, I gave him an orange this morning.
But they're already trying to make me make small booty payments
and I only got a small booty to work with.
(VOICE BREAKING) Look here, man, um, I only got one booty hole.
You understand what I'm saying?
They don't take debit or credit or nothing in here, it's just hole. Okay?
I've been holding onto it for 16 years.
I don't see no reason to let it go now
over a few little pineapple fruit cups and some cigarettes.
Speaking of which, I need you to do me a favor.
- (COUGHS) - (POPPING SOUND)
You think you can listen to these for me?
That's disgusting, man. Where'd you pull that out from?
Oh, from my Louis Vuitton prison bag.
Nigga, what do you think? I pulled them out of my ass.
You ain't got to smell it. Just listen to it.
I know. I know. It's time.
Look, I only got a few seconds
before they snatch me up out of here 'cause I'm a gangster!
But look, I need you to save my sphincter.
You gonna embarrass me in front of that white man's child, you better lock me down!
Some father I got, huh?
- Now I gotta pay Junior by midnight. - (SIGHS)
Anyway, you get them drawers yet?
I'm just messing with you. Come on, bro, we got PE.
Wait, you noticed I was in your PE class?
Yeah, man. I've seen you there before, looking all un-athletic and shit.
(JASON LAUGHS)
DAY DAY: Let's keep this Junior thing between me and you.
PRINCIPAL ROGERS ON PA: It's 11:00. Get your wretched ass into class!
JASON: Man! I'm in a tight situation.
Go ahead. Keep laughing at my pain.
But the struggle is real!
Big Junior just magically got released from a triple life sentence.
And he's on a mission to kill my cousin Day Day.
And probably me too, once he finds out
I'm trying to get his sister's panties.
Are those panties really worth dying for?
She probably got some really nice panties.
I guess I gotta do what I gotta do.
It's like my man Shakespeare said,
"Love is a smoke, made from the fumes of sighs,
"being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes."
(SIGHS)
Get your asses up for some aerobics.
Stand your asses up!
Don't make Coach mad today. Don't make me mad! Come on now.
Let's get into this Hater Dance, shall we? 5, 6, 7 and 8.
And to the left.
- (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) - Whoo! Yeah!
Come on, guys.
JULIAN: Man, what the hell you doing, piddly dick?
COACH FONTAINE: Move like you got some damn rhythm. Come on.
Now step, yeah, side to side, yeah, side to side, yeah, side to side.
Oh, yeah! Keep going.
Mmm!
Do the dance.
Not so hard, Venkatesh! Not so hard. Okay?
Hey. I'm so sick of this damn song!
Yeah, but I do like the way B3's booty shakes to that dance. Mmm!
JASON: What's a B3?
Man, you gotta keep up with the acronyms if you're gonna be a Ranger.
B3 is Big Booty Becky.
JASON: Oh.
Come on, J-Extra. Let's roll over there right now.
I like that, J-Extra. That's your new name.
Yeah. That's right. Dougie's with it, boy.
That's the Fredrick Douglass right there, you old nigga.
Can we help you, little boy?
No love. Little homie with us.
Oh, I'm sorry, Langston. I didn't know.
Hey. Didn't we go to pre-school together?
Uh, me? No. See, I'm from Nigeria.
Oh!
Oh...
Yeah. That's it. You peed on me in elementary school.
- What? - ALL: What?
What are y'all doing, not participating in my calisthenics, huh?
Coach, we're tired of doing that fake-ass electric slide, man.
COACH FONTAINE: The Hater Dance is loved by everybody.
DAY DAY: We don't like it.
Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Baby Chris Rock face. Why you hate The Hater Dance, huh?
You gotta like it! Okay?
We're about what's popping next, not now!
Yeah, we about to give you a little taste of what we gonna do tonight.
- Check it out! - Who painted your back?
Little Negro division?
JULIAN: Watch this, little niggas.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(RANGERS RAPPING)
(STUDENTS SINGING ALONG)
Yo, we killed that. We definitely gonna win tonight.
Bro, you already know what's up.
I know you saw how Jasmine was on me.
That's gonna be my butt down tonight.
Nigga, yeah, right! You know her daddy's a pastor.
What? Are you doubting the powers of a Ranger?
My fault. I repent.
Yo, yo. Check that out. That's confidence right there.
Day Day still ain't gonna smash, but at least he's confident.
I don't know, bro. This whole Sweet Gyrl thing's a little bit out of my league.
I couldn't even get my name out. I blew it.
Don't trip, you'll get another chance.
No, you won't, little nigga.
PRINCIPAL ROGERS ON PA: Mrs. Johnson, report to the office.
ALL: Hi, Mrs. Johnson.
Hi, boys!
Damn!
PRINCIPAL ROGERS: Stop looking at my bitch!
Well, students, it's 12:30. Lunch time, reduced lunch,
bring your lunch. Hell, no lunch.
BOY 1: Hey, man, look at these little niggas!
BOY 2: Need to move.
BOY 1: Move, man! Word!
Man, that's why The Rangers is gay.
Nigga, what the fuck you say?
You heard what he said, fool. Y'all are gay!
Man, that's the best you could come up with?
- BOTH: Yeah! - Yeah?
Cue these niggas off, yo!
Our little nigga's funny.
(TAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
♪ This Ranger game, man Look at these suckers
♪ We run this school Y'all niggas don't want it
♪ Hot, like your mamma coochie in the summer
♪ The shit don't stop Dillinger
♪ Dude, you assed-out Plumber!
♪ Now I don't understand something ♪ What?
♪ Why he dressed like a man but got breasts like a woman
♪ For lunch, eat a dick, if you're hungry
♪ Coulda been your punks But I got gypped
♪ Your mamma pussy DOA That shit is stanky
♪ How you put up with that stench?
♪ Even Stinkfinger wouldn't get up in that bitch
♪ Her pubic hair is like fucking on the Grinch
♪ Met your mamma freshman year
♪ We've been fucking ever since
♪ Nigga, ain't that about a bitch?
♪ Look at your gear See that it's sort of rent
♪ Your pants so tight I can see your pussy print
♪ Camel-toe Joe, let 'em know who you with
♪ Be like Bernie Mac I'm the king of this comedy
♪ The back of your neck looks like grits Hominy
♪ Your braids so old they singing Negro Spirituals, homie
♪ Oh, nobody knows
♪ Tell the truth Live honestly
♪ Come out the closet with your promise ring
♪ You call this gay? We happy, nigga!
♪ But I just played your girl like an action figure ♪
- STUDENTS: Ooh! - Matter of fact, I'm gonna pass it, nigger!
Yo, J-Extra! Go on, blast these niggas.
(CROWD CHEERING)
JASON: Uh...
Yo.
Listen.
JULIAN: Man, I told y'all this kid wasn't Ranger material.
(CROWD JEERING)
(BELL RINGS)
PRINCIPAL ROGERS: Ahem! Students, did you think I'm playing?
I'm walking around here looking for you.
Get your little goat-smelling asses in your class.
I'm out here working. I'm looking. Don't make me sneak up on you.
(ROARS)
I smell pussy or pot.
It's pot!
(IN HOARSE VOICE) Smoke weed every day.
Everyone, take out your poems and pass them to the front.
I hope you students ain't fronting on some bitch-ass shit
and try and turn in some old Jay-Z lyrics.
I got all his albums.
I fucks with Hov!
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
(RECORD SCRATCH)
Miss Moreno, late again.
Sorry, Ms. Billingsly.
You must think Billingsly is a punk bitch?
Because you are treating me like a bitch,
coming up in my class all late and shit!
Ms. Billingsly, it's not even like that.
And I bet your ass didn't do the homework assignment either, huh?
Well, actually, I have something...
Uh-huh?
(STAMMERING)
I mean, I liked it. It's formatted correctly. The words are beautiful.
You just forgot to put your name on it.
So, you didn't think it was too long?
Nah, you're perfect. It's perfect.
Thanks!
Oh! You decided to actually do some work.
Well, I have got to hear this shit!
Miss Moreno, do us the honor of reciting that poem.
- What? (CHUCKLES) - To the front of the class, Miss Moreno.
- Ms. Billingsly... - Don't talk back to a pimp!
Respect my gangsta!
(CLEARS THROAT)
"Admiring from afar
"Courting in secret
"Wishing for my star
"My prayers to keep it
"You are my star
"In the safety of my dreams
"You are my star
"Beauty gazing for what seems
"Like an eternity
"Too fearful for speaking
"Too nervous for flirting
"My words escape me
"Yet flourish from the page
"Maybe it's not yet my season
"My love ferments with age
"I guess I must wait
"I confess I must say
"You are my star, you are my star
"But I am just a glimmer in the galaxy of your existence
"But I go unnoticed from a distance
"Burned by your heat
"I've yearned for so long
"For you without me is like a singer with no song
"Yet still, you are my star."
(MOUTHING)
MS. BILLINGSLEY: Oh, shit!
That motherfucker was hella dope.
(SOBBING)
(WHISPERING) Thank you.
PRINCIPAL ROGERS ON PA: Students, it's 3:00. School is over.
The school dance is tonight.
No gang attire. No lace front. No thongs.
No C-section scars. See you tonight.
Hey, man, where the hell is your clothes?
My horse got the munchies and ate them.
Smooth move back there in class, my son.
But now it's time to rope this filly.
- Man, what you talking about? - Here she comes.
Jason. Jason!
Oh, my God! She gave me an A!
She even wrote, "Your poem was the shit!"
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
I wish I was as good a writer as you.
I mean, you're talented. I've seen you.
Really? I mean, I've got the vocals. Just not much of a songwriter.
Maybe you should let me help you with that.
Yeah? That would be cool.
I guess I owe you now.
No. You don't owe me.
It's the least I could do after peeing on you in pre-school.
(CHUCKLES)
- I knew I wasn't crazy. That was you. - That was really stupid.
Man, shut up! Shit.
- Excuse me? - Huh?
I said shut up to all them haters. And, uh, give me your number.
Okay.
So, you should give me a call sometime.
And maybe we can write a song together.
Yeah. I'd like that.
Fuck you, niggas. How you do that shit?
Oh, and aren't you going to the lock-in tonight?
Uh, yeah. Uh-huh.
- Cool! I'll see you there then. - Yeah.
Yeah, nigga! That's how you do it, nigga. That's how you do it.
Hey, Un-Circky, she give you the drawers yet?
Oh, man! I'm working on it, bro.
Look who finally got a little confidence. Yeah.
Got a little bit of swag, too!
You actually got her number. I can't believe it.
- That's right. - JULIAN: You know he ain't gonna do nothing with it
but get ink on his dick when he's jacking off.
(HONKING)
Aw, shit!
Who raggedy-ass shit is that?
Jason, bring your ass over, boy!
Nigga, that's your mamma?
RANGERS: Oh, hell no!
(TAWANNA SHOUTING AND HONKING)
Goddamn. This boy's gonna make me get out of this goddamn car.
Here, see what happened is she's not all the way my mamma.
She's kind of my mamma, just a little bit.
Shit!
- Get it, cuz. - That's you. That's you.
OG LIL' PRETTY THUG: That's true, cuz. I sat on two, cuz.
Nigga, you lying!
Actually, she's adopted. I swear!
Don't make me embarrass you out here in front of the school! Now come on.
If she let you go, we gonna be at my crib.
All right. I'm gonna hit your cell!
You ain't gonna hit shit! Who they fuck are they anyway?
Mamma, they was my friends.
(LAUGHS) You ain't got no fucking friends. Quit lying.
(MEN TALKING EXCITEDLY)
Hold on. Hold on. What's happening?
Hey, man, come on. Mamma.
Old lady. You see me out here dancing?
Crip walking and shit! You're out here interrupting my swag, lady.
Yeah, bitch! You interrupting his swag, ho!
- How about I interrupt your life? - Oh shit. Shit done got real!
Everybody, chill! No. No. No.
Look at me. It's cool, lady.
I'm not worried about that little squirt-gun you got, nigga.
- I got pussy hair tougher than you. - Yeah, it's on top of your lip, bitch!
- Motherfucker! - All right!
What seems to be the problem, Percy?
Nothing, Uncle. Everything cool around here. We're straight!
I've done told you little motherfuckers to stop coming up to this school,
you grown-ass niggas.
You trying to gangbang? You need to bang a job!
I done told you about selling drugs around here.
Come on, we ain't getting nobody into that.
We ain't in that life. We just say no to that. Ain't that right, my nigga?
Excuse me, say what?
- I said, "We say no to drugs, nigga!" - Come again. Say what?
(STAMMERING) No.
Percy, you think you slick. I'm on your ass.
I'm on your ass like stink on shit!
Look, I told you to stop calling me Percy in front of my homies, man.
It's OG Lil' Pretty Thug. You know what it is.
(PRINCIPAL ROGERS LAUGHS)
Pretty thug! A pretty thug?
You look like a pretty little chimpanzee!
Not when I do this.
Amazing!
You look like OG Meerkat.
- Meerkat? - Yeah, you look like a little meerkat.
All four of you is short! You understand?
All of you can do a flip under the bed.
Nigga, are them the shoes with the wheels on the bottom of 'em?
You up here at the school with some Heelys on?
I'm crazy!
Now, let this student and this beautiful super-model...
- Thank you, baby! - ...come on through.
See you. I'm gonna see you.
- Move, bitches! - You're gonna leave 'em alone around here.
Hit me again. Built like a goddamn car!
Call me when you want a ride too, motherfucker!
Yes, Lord!
This milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, son. Trust and believe!
I'll stick my face in that ass.
- MAN: You'd get stuck. - Oh!
That's how I got your daddy to knock me up.
Knocked me good and up!
I want you to stay out of my woman's face.
- You're not going with that bitch. - Yeah. Get on out of here.
BAM BAM: Or what? Or what? You sure?
OG LIL' PRETTY THUG: Let's roll. Let's roll, nigga.
Start, bitch! God damn it!
All of you better be in a car seat when you leave here.
Easy, cuz! Easy, cuz!
Get your ass out of here!
(CAR BACKFIRES)
(CAR HORN HONKING)
TAWANNA: Fucking piece-of-shit car.
Fuck this raggedy motherfucker.
I don't give a fuck, bitch. Go around, bitch. Go around!
Shit. I don't give a fuck. What the fuck you looking at, motherfucker?
FEMALE REPORTER: Now, going live to the LAPD eyewitness ride-along.
So, this is what we like to do all day. We survey the land and look for evildoers.
And we like picking up bitches!
What the fuck would you say that in the camera for?
- You don't like picking up bitches? - I love picking up bitches.
But I don't say it in the camera. Holy shit! Rock the cockblock!
We got some serious
rocking the cockblock right here. (SIREN WAILING)
- Pull over, fuckers. - We are in hot pursuit!
They're pulling over. We got ourselves a hot tamale right here.
Oh! Rock the cockblock!
This is what taxpayers pay for right here and these boys are mine, baby!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Rock the cockblock! Yeah!
- (LOUD HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) - Turn the music down!
Huh?
Turn the music down!
What?
Turn the fucking music down!
Hold on, I can't hear you. The music is too loud! Let me turn it down.
(TURNS MUSIC DOWN) How fast you were going?
Um...
Apparently not fast enough, Officer, since you caught us.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Obviously these guys are on drugs. Okay?
Do you have any paraphernalia in the car?
- Any weapons? - BEN J: No, sir!
I mean, ma'am. Officer Penis?
It's P'eniss. It's French.
Hey, Penis, all we got is these brownies my grandmother made
and this non-alcoholic grape drink to wash it down with.
- Really? Can I have some of that? - BEN J: Yeah, man.
- Where's the drink? - LEGACY: You want some?
What the fuck are you doing?
This isn't a restaurant!
I'm starving. I didn't have anything to eat today.
But you can't eat shit from them.
- Your grandmother made these? - Yes, sir.
These are amazing! You tell her, she needs her own show.
OFFICER P'ENISS: This is ridiculous shit! Get out of the car!
You have to be firm and authoritative
so that these perps treat you with respect.
- (TIRES SCREECHING) - Cockblock!
Hot pursuit! Hot pursuit!
Two black men in a white Rolls Royce going down Fairfax.
DISPATCH ON RADIO: Roger that, Officer Penis!
It's P'eniss!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, man. I'm gonna have to make you work the corners. Make us some money, man!
Whatever, Holmes! I can feel the burn!
This thing works. I feel like Bruce Lee.
We better start rehearsing if we are gonna win the talent show tonight.
I got some cool moves.
Hey, pretty bitches!
I know you didn't just disrespect us and call us bitches.
What you talking about disrespecting? Ain't nobody disrespect you!
I said pretty bitches. Disrespecting you is calling you ugly bitches!
- (LAUGHS) - It's a compliment, bitch.
Them bitches don't know.
Ay, he does have a point.
Thank you.
MARY WANNA: Damn, he is kinda cute, in a little chocolate Smurf type of way.
It's me, baby. You see it. (LAUGHS)
You guys can't be serious. Do you hear your friends?
Come on, you guys, let's go inside.
BAM BAM: This bitch over here acting like a See-You-In-Tijuana.
Hey, why don't you stop cockblocking, you little Mexican bitch.
You see, she over here trying to get it.
Let your girl get it. Over here, fucking up game. Stankin' bitch!
- Mexican bitch! - (SINGING IN SPANISH)
- Bitch! - Bitch!
Shit! Let's go! Let's go!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
We are funny! We are...
Look at this bitch!
What's that you called my sister?
- What the fuck? - The fuck you are rolling up on for, cuz?
- Huh? - He must don't know. He can't know.
He can't know.
I said, "Stop cockblocking, you little Mexican bitch!"
- Fucked, my boy! - That's what I said, cuz!
This nigga got me fucked up!
Man, show 'em what you do. Oh, shit!
- Hold on, nigga. - It's back here. There you go!
OG Lil' Pretty Thug, nigga! Okay. Now what?
I'm about to put this nigga in a box.
Don't do it. Calm down. You know how you get.
Six feet under, nigga! You hear me?
- Funeral service! Nigga, I... - It's seven now. It's seven feet...
Nigga, I'm talking face on a brochure!
- Boy! - Lights out!
- Okay! - Hear me? Clap on, clap off!
- Okay! - See, you got me fucked up, cuz.
- Comeback! Comeback! Comeback! - You got me fucked up, cuz!
- Pretty Thug, nigga! You understand? - Comeback! Okay!
- You don't know, ask somebody. - Okay!
Don't fuck around and get shot by a pretty nigga, nigga!
- What is he talking about? - Excuse me, what?
I said, "OG Lil' Pretty Thug!"
- Come again, say what? - I'm... I'm telling...
- (GROWLS) - Oh, shit!
- This nigga real! This nigga real! - Oh, shit!
- (GRUNTS) - (SCREAMS)
Oh, shit. This motherfucker is strong!
Fucking thug, nigga. I'll kill you, bitch!
Oh, Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints. What the fuck?
Bam! Get the grenade on this nigga, man!
- Get us a what? - Grenade this nigga, man!
Pray to him! Pray to him!
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
Put him down! He don't deserve that.
Get this cholo, nigga!
Damn! I'm too pretty for this shit.
(YELLING)
God damn! That nigga threw you!
(SCREAMS)
Shit!
Oh, shit! Nigga!
I feel that shit!
Enough! Enough!
Listen to me!
(CROWD SHOUTING)
Shit!
I always wanted to do that, eh?
OG LIL' PRETTY THUG: Hey, Bam, grab my gun!
Excuse me, say what?
Grab my gun!
- Come again, say what? - Get my gun!
I can't understand you. Oh, shit! Hey, you can't shoot a nigga...
with Jesus on their face. Now come on, in the name of Allah!
Don't do it. Fall back, Holmes. Fall back.
Okay!
What's that you said about my sister?
Will about mine, cuz...
(GUN CLICKS)
FLACO: No bullets?
(ESE'S LAUGH)
This motherfucker put no bullets in his gun.
MAN: Looks like your life is full of blanks, fool.
(SIREN WAILING)
MAN: Hey, that's The New Boyz? They just cut their new album.
Fuck that shit.
Just come on, nigga!
I'm not getting up.
This nasty! I've been fucked up, nigga.
Y'all got me fucked up!
BAM BAM: All the way up.
You talking like a real gigo. You talking like a real gigo, man.
Oh, shit! We made it to World Star?
Man, that shit's crazy.
Hey, nigga, I killed them niggas off.
Ain't that some good shit. (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hey, y'all. - Hear that, nigga.
Look whose mom finally let him out the house.
Hey, y'all are wack. You hating 'cause my momma care.
Ghetto-ass mama. She care about gun play.
Did you see your little cameo on World Star? Check it out.
Got a million views.
JASON: Is it tight?
Yo!
(RANGERS LAUGHING)
JULIAN: Loser!
Langston, can I use your phone to call Anastacia?
Why don't you call at your crib?
Well, we don't have a house phone.
All we got is my mom's pager.
Besides, I need the moral support from my guys, you know?
I'm mad nervous, y'all.
For sure. Call her.
JULIAN: And I'm gonna call George Kush and light up this blunt.
You know what? I can't believe they beat my record.
You know I hold the record for most videos retired on 106...
- And this one is smashing it. How many days it's been over? - (LAUGHING)
Cut it! 78 days!
(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello!
Yo, it's Jason.
Who the hell is Jason?
What do you want with my daughter?
Hey, sir, it's Jason and I want to speak with Anastacia, sir.
Man, you didn't answer my question. Who are you?
And what the fuck do you want with my daughter?
Uh... Me and Anastacia are ass-mates... I mean classmates!
We share a room...
We share a classroom and I help her with her homework.
And I wanted to know if she needed any more help... Help...
If she needed me to help her with her homework.
- 'Cause I helped her with her homework. - Hold on. Anastacia!
ANASTACIA: I'm coming.
Hello?
Hey, Anastacia.
Jason?
Yeah. I thought this was your cell phone.
I lost my cell phone. This is my home phone.
What's up?
Uh, nothing. What's up with you?
Hey, yo, tell her to put the phone up to her coochie!
(RANGERS LAUGHING)
(WHISPERS) Shut up!
- Excuse me? - Uh...
Nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing.
Um...
I guess I'll see you later on at the lock-in.
Later on. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
I guess so.
(COUGHING)
Straight crash and burn!
You got all shook when her dad got on the phone.
It was downhill from there.
She probably thinks you are a big-ass dork right about now.
I told you about them Mexican daddies, man.
No niggers in mi casa, fool!
LANGSTON: Confidence, bro. That's all it is. Stop being so fuckin' nervous.
JULIAN: Yeah, virgin!
Who was that on the phone?
Nobody. It was just a friend from school.
- He was helping me with homework. - Oh, yeah? He's helping you out.
And your little friend from school. Is he anegrito?
What does it matter?
Orale, Kim Kardashian? Now you're dating black guys?
- Papa! - Papa?
Don't papa me.
Okay, I know how suave black guys are.
They talk to you with that Mack Daddy lingo, holding their giant penises.
All right, and I could tell by this kid's voice, over the phone,
it was all deep, he's got a giant palo.
No, he doesn't.
What did you say?
Nothing.
Look, Ana, you're a beautiful Latina, which means...
Which means what?
Which means you're fertile as hell.
I don't want some little black nappy-headed baby with a big penis
running around this house, touching all my shit, and leaving him for me to raise.
- ANASTACIA: I can't believe we're talking... - Big black baby.
about this right now. I'm a virgin.
I didn't run off like you and Mom and get pregnant when I was 16.
All right, well, at least I stuck around to take care of my children.
Those black guys come around with their cool talk and they get you in bed,
and when you get pregnant, they turn into magicians.
Magicians?
Yeah, magicians, like that acho we saw at the casino, David Coppertone.
- Yeah, Coppertone. - OSCAR: He was good.
- Yeah, it was funny. - OSCAR: The rabbits?
Yeah, they were cute.
They disappear.
I don't want you to become a statistic. All right?
I'm telling you because I want you to take care of yourself. I care about you.
Papa, don't worry about me. Worry about your sons.
- Like Junior, the one that just got out of jail? - (VIDEO GAME BEEPS)
(GRUNTS)
Or this one.
The 18-year-old who still wears slippers
because he doesn't know how to tie his shoes.
Hmm?
Oh, no, I know how to tie my shoes.
I just think the concept of laces is stupid.
I would have to agree with Flaco on that one.
Who asked you to talk,ese, and why are you always here?
Yeah. Why are you always here?
What do you mean? I'm family.
How are you family, fool?
Yeah. How are you family, fool?
I'm second cousin to your third cousin's cunado, El Machete,
who married Consuela, who was married
to Pablo before and then escaped to the US.
After that, El Machete took care of me, and then he disappeared.
So, I didn't know what to do. So I just came here.
And that's all I have to say about that.
And you want me to be with somebody like this?
Gosh, Papa.
Shit, she might have a point.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
DJ ON MIC: Power 106! DJ Sully Sal.
The moment you've been waiting for is going down.
We're gonna lock your asses in.
At the talent contest we will be making some stars tonight.
You know how we do it. Y'all ready?
It's all about Unity in the Community! Yo, Monte Vista, let's go!
- We got The Rej3ctz in the house! - (CROWD CHEERING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, snap! The Rangers are in the house!
They're the favorites to win the contest tonight, y'all.
You Ranger boys better behave yourselves tonight.
I'm gonna behave on that ass tonight.
DAY DAY: Yeah, Ms. Johnson got cakes.
I ain't gonna lie. She is nice looking.
Come on, man.
What you're really supposed to be worried about is Anastacia tonight.
Nigga, this ain't the Disney Channel. You better go handle that.
She practically throwing her pussy at you, fuck boy.
LANGSTON: All you got to do is catch it.
I don't even know what to do, y'all.
I know what this little nigga needs.
RANGERS: Seven minutes of heaven.
LANGSTON: Hey!
Everybody got their name in the hat?
For sure. Y'all know how this goes down.
Seven minutes of heaven.
I pick two names out of this cap,
y'all go into this closet right here for seven minutes.
First two names are...
(CHUCKLES)
Julian and Big Booty Becky.
Get in.
What a nasty ho!
(STOPWATCH BEEPS)
Seven minutes.
So, what's up, Becky?
- Absolutely nothing. - (GROANS)
For seven minutes.
Come on, don't be like that.
Ow.
(SIREN WAILING)
Doesn't this just get your adrenaline going?
It's like a dominatrix has your balls in a vice grip!
- This is what super cops do, right, Lagney? - (LAUGHS)
What the fuck are you doing?
- I've had three of these things... - Shit.
The best.
What happens when you lick a goat's ass?
Ah... (LAUGHS)
OFFICER P'ENISS: Pay attention, fucker!
(LAUGHING)
- OFFICER LAGNEY: I think you're beautiful. - What?
I think you're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
Get your hand off my tit, man! I'm driving.
I like you.
So we not gonna do nothing, Becky?
Would you even be interested if I didn't have this big ol' booty on me?
What? What kind of question is that?
That's what I thought. All you like me for is my booty.
It's such a nice booty.
Plus, you got a cute smile.
And a dimple that only comes out when you laugh.
Aw.
See, I'm a nice guy.
LANGSTON: One minute left!
Shit, that's all I need.
You don't got to tell me twice.
Daddy about to get it on.
(BOTH MOANING)
Fuck!
You love the white chocolate. (CHUCKLES)
I normally don't date white women. But when I do...
(YELLS)
What are y'all doing out in this hallway? Get to the dance!
The question is, sir, what are you doing out here?
Well, I'm the Principal. What are you doing...
Do you got an ETA on The New Boyz?
No, but we know about Ms. Johnson's T n' A.
You better watch your mouth.
Sitting up there talking about you know something about Ms. Johnson's DNA...
Yo, what the hell is going on out there?
Uh, Principal Rogers, as soon as I hear about The New Boyz,
I'll come look for you, bro.
Yeah, you do that.
Snitchin' ass nigga. You know a snitch don't like a snitch.
You take it easy and get to the dance, nigga.
Will do, sir.
Hey, y'all give it up for the Supa Sizers, y'all!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(YAWNS)
Do the shit!
Next two names are...
Jason and Anastacia.
SULLY SAL: Okay, I guess y'all are not feeling the Supa Sizers.
The New Boyz are on their way and we still got the talent contest coming up.
The Sweet Gyrls, The Rangers...
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
(STOPWATCH BEEPS) Seven minutes.
Have you done this before?
Nope.
Me either. Kinda awkward, huh?
Yeah. Very.
SULLY SAL ON RADIO: Power 106!
We are broadcasting live from Monte Vista High School,
it's all about Unity in the Community.
And we're waiting on The New Boyz. Where y'all at, man?
- Hey, nigga. Wake the fuck up! - Yeah, nigga.
Man, fuck these niggas. Hurry up so we can bash this thing at the lock-in.
All right, that's my nigga. Now we're talking.
(LAUGHING)
- Whee! - What the fuck are you doing, man?
Get your ass out of my face!
Soft as a baby's butt!
Are you fucking crazy?
Normally we have these missions more intact.
But it seems that my partner has taken some kind of controlled substance.
I'm R. Kelly, bitch.
(LAUGHS)
- (URINATING) - Mmm...
What the fuck are you doing?
Are you nuts?
Peaches! Bitch, bring your ass out the house with my goddamn money.
I'll blow every window in that raggedy fuckin' condo out.
What the fuck are you doing, man?
Bring your ass out here! I'm gonna kill you!
(SCREAMS)
Oh!
LANGSTON: One minute left!
So... There's no chance that I can...
You're not getting my panties.
What?
I know all about it.
Julian told Becky, who told Jasmine, who told me all about your mission.
Kinda stupid, huh?
Yeah.
And I can't go out like that.
I understand.
And honestly, I respect you more for it.
Thanks.
You're sweet.
Doing good, cowboy.
Thanks, man.
Thanks for what?
Uh, nothing.
You like to talk to yourself a lot, don't you?
Me? (CHUCKLES) No.
(CLEARS THROAT)
ANASTACIA: It's okay.
I used to do the same thing ever since my mom died when I was really young.
I had this toy unicorn that I would always talk to.
It was my best friend.
Unicorns have a lot of wisdom, you know?
- I bet not as much as cowboys. - (CHUCKLES)
Unicorns don't exist, so...
You hit Bigfoot!
What the fuck did you make me do?
I didn't hit Bigfoot.
Who gives a fuck? Look at the car!
Oh, fuck!
Are we gonna help her?
I'm going to commandeer this vehicle. I gotta get those guys.
OFFICER LAGNEY: Sorry, Bigfoot.
- Fucking door doesn't work. Follow me! - So sorry.
- Follow me, you fucking idiot. - Yes!
SULLY SAL: Hey, yo ladies, make some noise for Floor Cat!
- (CROWD CHEERING) - (R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
Not so fast, Day Day.
Wow. Looks like everyone is hooking up.
You wanna dance?
Sure!
This is my song.
(R&B MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
Sometimes you gotta love your dance steps. (GRUNTS)
Oh!
Hey. We're here. Yeah, you are here.
- Get to the dance. - Yes, sir!
- Get to the dance. - Punks!
Get your hands off my bitch! Now, get to the dance.
Get your hands... Get off me, boy! Get to the dance!
(SINGING)
Y'all ready, homie? You ready, Cuz?
(SHOUTS)
What about you? Is you ready?
- Uh-huh. - They whooped your ass, man.
They wouldn't have did that to me, though.
I'll tell you that right now. You know how I get.
Man, fuck that shit, man! You ready to ride out or what, nigga?
- Excuse me, say what? - Man, you heard me!
Come again, say what?
Man, why every time a nigga say something to you, cuz, you act like you can't hear me?
The fuck is wrong with you? You go deaf from all them shots, nigga?
No nigga, it was my mamma's pussy.
If I hadn't told you yet, my mamma had an outbreak on her pussy lip
'cause she got herpes, right?
When she had me, the herpes hit my ear, fucked me all up.
- What? - But we in good standing.
Bitch! Bitch nasty!
Excuse me, say what?
Nasty bitch! Come again, say what?
- (GRUNTS IMPATIENTLY) - I know, let's ride!
We got The New Boyz in the house!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(NEW BOYZ RAPPING)
- (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE) - (STUDENTS CHEERING)
EL MATADOR: Man.
How long do we have to wait for to give the beat down?
Told you, Junior said midnight.
Shit! I'm bored, eh!
It's not fair.
FLACO: What's not fair?
Anastacia and her friends and everybody are partying and dancing the night away.
While we're just here. Sitting and waiting.
Shit. I wanna dance.
Fuck it. Dance, man!
Dance!
Hit it, Whispers!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHS) Yeah!
Yeah, you tell them to pull off that one!
That's all I gotta say about that. (HUMMING)
- Ooh! - (CLOTH RIPS)
Oh, yeah!
I ripped my pants and I don't care.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: But it's talent contest time, y'all.
If anybody out there can use an extra $2,000,
you better be hot tonight! All right?
So let's give it up right now for our first contestants.
Make some noise for the Sweet Gyrls!
♪ Holla, holla, baby
♪ Show me that you really want me
♪ 'Cause I need to hear it Uh-huh
♪ Go ahead and push up on me
♪ I can tell you really want
♪ Really want me
♪ Your kiss and your touch
♪ Feels so damn good
♪ Getting under my skin
♪ Try to fight it but I can't win
♪ This is all your fault
♪ Boy, I love the way you touch me
♪ Baby, you touch me in the best way
♪ I think I love you What can I say?
♪ Caught me by surprise
BOTH: Oh! ♪ Showed me your disguise
♪ Made it to your arms and I love it
♪ Yeah, baby, baby I love the way you touched me
♪ Touched me!
♪ Touch me, tease me I'm trying to make it easy
♪ You're singing to my tune like your name is Lil Weezy
♪ 500 degrees More than just breezy
♪ Hot, but the flow is snowman, cheesy!
♪ And I want to make it real with you
- Show love, baby! - (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
What?
♪ I'm trying to settle down
♪ Ain't nothing I'll be scared of now
♪ To the top of the world We can soar for miles
♪ Baby, let them haters hate I'mma hold you down
♪ Even though I didn't grow up on your side of town
♪ I'mma throw up your set when we riding out
♪ Baby, you touch me in the best way
All right. Man, you seeing this, my nigga?
It's cheating.
♪ Caught me by surprise
♪ Showed me your disguise
♪ Made it to your arms and I love it
♪ Yeah, baby, baby I love the way you touched me
♪ Touched me!
♪ Touched me! ♪
(CROWD CHEERING)
(PRINCIPAL ROGERS YELLING ON PA)
Tastes like candy!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD JEERING)
- Come on. - MAN 1: Oh, hell no!
(CROWD BOOING)
MAN 2: Y'all suck!
What's up, man?
That's how those pimp bangers do it, homie!
Man! That shit was horrible.
- Hey man, your mama like it. - Shut up!
Yeah. What the hell is RGOKY anyway?
- BOTH: Ranger Gang, Kill Yourselves. - SULLY SAL: Last but not least!
- Now get out the way. - Give it up for The Rangers!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Come on!
♪ One honey, two honey, three honey, four
♪ Five honey, six honey, seven honey, more
♪ I need a tip, tip
I got you babe!
♪ One honey, two honey, three honey, four
♪ Five honey, six honey, seven honey, more
♪ I need a tip, tip, tip, tip, tip
♪ I said, it's 6:00 in the morning and she be tipping on my dick
Tipping on my dick tip Tipping on my dick!
♪ Make her scream "Rangers" when I'm hitting that shit
♪ Low riders, can you fit up in my whip
♪ I got a bad bitch but she wouldn't get evicted!
♪ She gave me a lap dance, now I'm addicted
♪ Standing at attention That's where my dick is
♪ Counting all this money Hi, momma, come and get this
♪ One honey, two honey, three honey, four
♪ Five honey, six honey, seven honey, more
♪ I need a tip, tip, tip, tip
♪ One honey, two honey, three honey, four
♪ Five honey, six honey, seven honey, more
♪ I need a tip, tip, tip, tip
♪ Funky-fresh, dressed to impress Ready to party!
♪ White boys in my pocket Hos feeling up my body
♪ Cristal, OJ and Bacardi
♪ Stupid paper My wallet is retarded!
♪ I get money Money I got!
♪ Well I need a tip. ♪ Then make that booty pop.
♪ Make that booty pop. Baby don't stop, drop!
♪ Like, Uncle Snoop say, "Drop it like it's hot"
♪ One honey, two honey, three honey, four
♪ Five honey, six honey, seven honey, more
♪ I need a tip, tip, tip, tip
♪ One honey, two honey, three honey, four
♪ Five honey, six honey, seven honey, more
♪ I need a tip, tip, tip, tip ♪
- (RECORD SCRATCHES) - (CROWD GASPS)
What the hell is you doing, man? Get up, man. Come on.
Shit!
- Shit! - We're in the middle of a party.
I'm good. Thank you.
Get that brownie off my record!
JASON: Damn, if this'll ruin The Rangers' chance to win the contest,
it'll ruin my chance with Anastacia.
Oh, come on, buckaroo!
You got this.
JASON: Prairie Puff Man is right.
I can do this.
Yo, listen.
I can do this.
(MOUTHING)
What do I got to lose?
♪ Listen. They call me J-Extra, Yeah boy, I'm next up
♪ Lippin 'em, flippin 'em, rippin 'em, yeah!
♪ Tippin' them, tippin' the scales
♪ I used to be scared But now I gotta man up!
♪ Do it like my mamma told me, "Why you got a tan?"
♪ Smoke like the Prairie Puff Man, have I had enough!
♪ It's so tough, so rough, so tough, tough!
♪ But I just fell in love with Anastacia
♪ Yeah, do your thang, girl I like how you love me ♪
(LAUGHS)
ANASTACIA: Go Jason!
(CROWD CHEERING)
I fucks with The Rangers!
ANASTACIA: Oh, my God! You were amazing!
Yo, J-Extra. You saved us, dawg!
You did that, my dude. Respect!
Yo, Jay, where did that come from?
I honestly couldn't even tell you, it just, like, came to me.
- Yo. You see this right here, right? - Got someone who need that.
You know what I'm saying? Somebody's about to walk away with $2,000.
You know what I'm saying? DJ Felli Fel, Power 106, Unity in the Community.
It's been a great night. And to announce your winner right now,
y'all give it up for The New Boyz!
(CROWD CHEERING WILDLY)
Yo, this was a dope-ass night of performances.
Hell yeah. Some of y'all did your thing tonight, man!
Some of y'all were complete failures.
Fucking booty.
But yo, man, on the real though, there can only be one winner.
And this group crushed it! Murdered it! Killed it.
(NEW BOYZ WHOOPING)
So, give it up for tonight's winner!
Motherfucking...
BOTH: Sweet Gyrls!
(SCREAMING)
Huh?
- We won! - This is so exciting!
- Thank you! - My goodness!
Tell me that shit did not just happen, bro.
DAY DAY: Yo, I needed that two grand.
How did we lose?
- We must've got these niggas tripping, bro! - Yo, look at how high they are.
Don't even know who the fuck they're picking right now.
So excited!
Oh shit! Day Day, it's 12:00.
Time for me to go face the music, you feel me?
LANGSTON: Wait. Hold up. What's 12:00?
Yo. That's the end of the talent show, y'all.
Day Day, I know you don't want to get into it with the Ese's, man.
Shit!
Yo Junior, I tried to get your money by midnight. But I need some more time.
You can do whatever you want to me.
But please, don't hurt my family.
(GROWLS)
I ain't got insurance, Junior!
(GROWLS)
Junior says, "Time's up!"
Man, Day Day ain't going nowhere.
You're going to have to kill us all.
(CHUCKLES)
Cool.
DAY DAY: No. Fuck that. It's cool, bro.
It's time for me to handle this debt by myself. Like a man. So what's up?
- What's up? - ANASTACIA: Junior!
Flaco, no!
Anastacia, what are you doing here? Get outta here, go!
Anastacia, go back to the gym. We good, I promise.
(GROANING)
Don't talk to my sister like that, ese.
Stop it!
We'll blast through Mexicans tonight for what they did to you, OG.
Man, fuck that nigga, Junior, cuz!
(YELLS INDISTINCTLY)
What?
- (YELLS INDISTINCTLY) - (GRUNTING)
Nigga what?
(YELLS INDISTINCTLY) (GRUNTING)
Oh, we could've made some Mexican cunt salad around this motherfucker.
- (YELLS INDISTINCTLY) - (GRUNTING)
PRAIRIE PUFF MAN: Now is the time, my son!
This is your hero moment!
(GROANING)
Oh!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I'm fine!
Are you okay?
Oh, my God, Jason. You're hurt.
(CAR HONKING)
Everybody, freeze!
- OFFICER P'ENISS: What the hell is going on here? - Yeah!
Stand back! We got this.
Everybody freeze!
We got this. We got this under control!
Great frickin' police work.
Can I just talk to him for one second.
You got one minute, then we need to get him to the hospital to get sewn up.
Look. I'm sorry all this happened.
This whole money thing with Day Day and your brother got way out of hand. And...
Playa, playa!
Day Day.
Appreciate your little homie saving my sister.
You still owe Junior $2,000.
This ain't over.
- What're you doing? That's your prize money. - It's fine!
Jason told me to give this to you.
And he got the drawers, too.
I'll take that.
And I will take that!
Hey Jay, I appreciate the way you came through, bro!
That was some true Ranger fashion. Salute.
I told you, man. We family, and I consider y'all my friends.
Straight up, bro. You my friend. And official Ranger member.
You deserve it!
Man, I'm just grateful y'all helped me find the confidence to get the girl of my dreams.
Ow!
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
Now, I'm going to the hospital with my boyfriend.
Boyfriend? Papa ain't gonna like that.
Oh, yeah? Well, he's just going to have to deal with it! And so are you!
Uh-oh.
We gonna keep your ass in our prayers.
Man, I wish I would've got shot.
What is you talking about?
Do you know how much ass I would've gotten on Monday, if I got shot?
- Wow! - God, man!
JASON: You see, that's how it really went down.
Fairytale endings do really happen, even in the hood.
Now all I need is a painless circumcision and I'll be straight.
(GUNSHOTS)
Who shot my baby?
(FIRING GUN) (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Everybody scatter! Everybody could get some of this lead tonight!
Fucking Kardashian cheerleader bitches!
You fucking Rangers. I'll fuck 'em and I'll kill you motherfuckers.
God damn it, everybody. You fucking writers. You raggedy-ass producers.
(SINGING INDISTINCTLY)
All you bitches! Everybody out there in the theater.
All you motherfucking Slurpee-serving, popcorn-buttering motherfuckers!
And you bitches. I tell you, you better not be bootlegging my shit.
You better not bootleg this shit. I'll come out there and I'll get you.
It's like in a Freddy Krueger movie. I'll be back and get you in the sequel.
Motherfuckers! Deuce it! You heard? What?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
What the fuck going on with the beats, y'all?
Hey nigga, fuck!
Shit's speedin' up. Shit, nigga!
I can't dance to this shit, nigga! Shit, nigga!
Nigga, oh shit! I can't catch my breath, nigga.
Oh shit, nigga. I hate this shit!
(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
(GROANING)
Bounce, nigga, bounce!
Bounce, bounce nigga!
Come on!
Fuck that shit, nigga!
MAN: Don't hate, participate.
Fuck that, nigga. I'm tired of this bitch, nigga!
(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)
Oh, shit!
Nigga, I'm sweatin' all around my second belly there.
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHS)
(BEEP)
Can this be a movie?
Like is this going to be in the movies?
'Cause I can act.
Where are we starting?
From the top again, right?
What up, pretty bitches?
I got pussy hair tougher than you.
- I fucked up on that. - (CREW LAUGHING)
- Fuckers! - I'd like to fuck you, Chris Paul.
And if you look into the mirror, you gonna think you look like
the little nigga on The Lord of the Rings.
Give me the ring, Percy.
Get ready tonight, baby.
'Cause I'm gonna stick this rat-tail up your ass.
And I like a woman that's built like a mattress.
I'm gonna lay on you later.
I will.
Gonna stick my face in your ass.
With an antibiotic in my mouth.
Y'all better not move.
Dude with no shirt on, with hard nipples.
And you're touching them.
A seven for your ass!
You ain't got bitch.
That bitch look good, though.
You got it.
She look good.
Yeah.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Give mamma a kiss before you go.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING INDISTINCTLY)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(MEN SHOUTING)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Whoo-hoo!
You know what, while I interrupt your...
Oh.
Wait, wait. I forgot my lines.
Just help me. I only got one sphincter.
You gonna wreck the whole jail down
with your strong self. I got delicate ankles.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
MAN: Who you asking for?
Another homie.
All right, homie. Yeah!
Clap on, clap off, nigga.
You dead, bitch! You want it?
(LAUGHS)
Don't move. I got it. You ready?
Nigga, you about to be dead, nigga!
(LAUGHS)
- OG Lil' Pretty Thug. - Excuse me, say what?
Nigga, I'm saying my name.
OG Lil' Pretty Thug.
(LAUGHS)
Light's out, nigga. You hear me?
(LAUGHING) Okay.
Light's out for you, nigga.
(ALL LAUGHING)
- That shit's gotta be edited. - Fuck. My bad.
I'm sorry. Was that my line, or his line?
- What? - I messed up.
- Am I supposed to say my line? - Mmm, yeah.
- Shit. Line? - Wait. What is it?
Sorry.
So, I hear you need one more volunteer teacher tonight. For the lock-out.
You heard right.
MAN: One more time, please. "Lock-in."
So, I hear you need one more teacher for the volunteer tonight.
(MOANS)
So, I hear you need one more teacher tonight.
Volunteer for the line...
One more volunteer teacher for the lock-in. You can keep doing it a hundred times.
(CREW LAUGHS) MRS. JOHNSON: I'm sweating!
What the fuck were they talking about?
Keep fucking up.
I said cut. I said cut, damn it!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)