How long are the lessons anyway? 45? That's 45 too many.
I like five-minute lessons.
Five-minute lessons, you're not gonna learn anything.
- I'm not? - How about 15 minutes?
- Yeah, 45. - 45?
What about 10?
It says, "Sign up now. Self-defense could save your life."
- It sure will. - It will.
- Thank you very much. - That was cool, yeah.
Who teaches Taekwondo?
- Mr. Simmons. - Mr. Simmons?
Do you like Mr. Simmons? Is he nice?
- Is he talented? Is he good? - Is he very good?
He's one of the best instructors in town.
- He is? Can he break rock? - Yes.
- He can? With his head? - Yes.
So cute! Look at him!
Showtime, boys. This is what it's all about,
performing for the people.
Let's go over the plan real quick, okay?
You're gonna start things off with your little floor pattern,
get everybody hooked,
then I'm gonna step up and seal the deal.
Board breaks.
Simple plan, okay? So don't fuck this up for me.
This is my life, okay?
Every single person out there is a potential new client.
- Y'all understand? - Yes, sir.
Okay, pull them in.
- Who's the king of the demo? - You are, Mr. Simmons.
- Who? - You are, Mr. Simmons.
You're goddamn right, I am.
One, two, three.
That's Julio Chavez,
just one of our black belt students at Concord Taekwondo.
We got a lot of those there, huh?
This is, without a doubt, to me,
one of the most difficult things in Taekwondo to do,
is to bust them with your elbow.
And, well, I fashion myself a master in this.
So y'all are in for a special treat this afternoon.
Fuck!
Okay! All right!
So, if any of y'all wanna sign up for classes at Concord Taekwondo,
we have some sheets here with information, phone numbers,
special rates and whatnot. And...
You know, come talk to me if y'all wanna learn how to
do some cool Taekwondo.
Nice stretches.
Raul, looks like you got that acne taken care of. Looking good, champ.
Come on, girls. All right, everybody line up!
- Sir! - Line up.
Feet together.
Charyut kyungneh!
- Face senior student! Kyungneh! - Sir!
- Face the front! - Sir!
Tenets of Taekwondo. Begin.
- Courtesy, self-control, perseverance... - Courtesy, self-control, perseverance...
...integrity, indomitable spirit, sir. ...integrity, indomitable spirit, sir.
Kyungneh.
Hey, everybody. You guys are stretching? I just got finished doing that.
What are you doing here? Just come back from working out?
No, I came from church, you fucking retard.
Okay, that's wonderful language that my wife uses in front of my friends.
Listen, I just came to remind you about
dinner tonight with my friends from work.
Okay, let's go ahead and move to the right.
Sir!
Could you please take your shoes off? My mats are 100 bucks apiece.
So are you gonna be there tonight, or what?
Well, I live there, so I guess I will be there.
I thought we talked about not doing this kind of stuff during the week.
Yeah, but I also thought we talked about how important it was.
Okay, you're right. Importance, importance.
Okay, for you, honey, anything. But if you could do something for me,
and just take your high heels off my mats.
I love you. I'll see you tonight.
Now this is a man who does not take shit from anybody, just like me.
Look at him. Goddamn movie star. Beautiful man. Beautiful man.
We're gonna take a road trip next month to see him. You should come, dude.
Who do you think would win in a fight
between Bruce Lee and Chuck "The Truck"?
What, are you kidding? The Truck, easy.
He's the eight-year undefeated kickboxing champion.
Can Bruce Lee say that? No. Bruce Lee is dead.
Who do you think would win in a fight, you or Chuck "The Truck"?
That one's probably a little too close to call.
Come on. Steady up.
Let's not forget our forms, here.
This ain't a street fight. This is Taekwondo.
Stop throwing wild punches. Come on, kicks up.
Come on, not in the face. Not in the face, okay?
Okay, good. Work him. Work him.
Okay. Kicks up.
I'm so hungry, I could eat a grown man's ass right now.
Dig in. Dig in. Let's get to business.
- This wine is delicious. - Thank you.
And let me just say, Connie,
that Fred and I are so happy to have you and Carlos over for dinner.
Yeah, usually I don't really like to
have guests around during the middle of the week,
you know, when I'm working, but you guys are cool.
It's okay for you guys to be here.
Thank you. I think I speak in Connie's behalf
when I say that we're both glad to be here. Right, hon?
And, Connie, you, I'd like to thank you very much
for hooking Suze up with a job. That was nice of you.
- She didn't hook me up with a job. - I just got her the interview.
Suzie got the job on her own.
So, Carlos, Connie tells me you're a big-time lawyer.
Yeah, I just passed the bar exam,
and I'm working for Williams, Williams and Turner.
And it was all thanks in part to the G.I. Bill.
That's great. And look at you, Connie, he's quite a catch.
Suze, why don't you just chill out for a minute, stop flirting.
Connie's sitting right here next to you.
- I wasn't flirting. - Carlos, you better watch out!
I got my eye on you.
I'm just kidding, dude. Relax. Take it easy, dude. I'm joking.
Oh, shit!
We forgot to say Grace.
Close your eyes. Give me your hands.
- Honey? - Close your eyes.
Jesus Christ, we thank you for
not giving us any diseases that will kill us
and for having jobs
and thank you for this meal that I bought myself.
Amen.
Whether you're interested in self-defense,
staying in shape, or a fun activity for the entire family,
Taekwondo America is just what you're looking for.
And that's who trained me.
And if you so choose, I could train you as well.
I could teach you about strength that lies deep within.
I could teach you how to unlock power,
I could teach you discipline, confidence, self-respect.
Yeah, well, I just moved to the area,
and I was looking for some sort of workout.
You know, just to stay in shape.
Taekwondo's terrific for keeping in shape,
but it's also a deadly serious killing system.
I mean, it's probably the best of all martial arts.
I hear Jujitsu is really good for balance.
Jujitsu sucks.
What you want is Taekwondo.
It's got everything, mental, physical...
That's good, because when I was in school abroad,
I really got into yoga,
and that's a lot of breathing techniques and meditation...
Meditation's terrific and all,
but never heard of it saving anyone from a gang rape-type situation.
Meditate on that. Rape.
I pride myself on really being able to read people and
understand what's going through their minds.
And right now, I'm thinking that you're at about 90%.
I'd like to show you something that will take care of that last 10.
What is it?
Just a trophy that I won.
A little simple token proving that I'm the champion of all North America.
Wow, the North American Champion?
Yeah, that's right. 1991 Las Vegas Invitational
Open Sparring Competition.
Four days of pain and courage,
but I emerged victorious, of course.
Back there in the office, I was beginning to wonder if this was
some type of a joke.
Why don't you ask the guy who came in second place?
- And, break. Face your partner. - Sir!
Kyungneh!
Shake hands.
- Okay, rotate. - Sir!
All right, everybody just have a seat for a second. Have a seat.
Sir!
Now, I'm noticing that a lot of y'all are just throwing single kicks and punches.
What you need to be doing
is follow those through with some combinations. Okay?
Let's start with a simple one, shall we?
Right hand block, left hand throws a distracting back fist,
number one side kick followed through with a spin crescent kick to the head.
- Sound easy enough? - Sir!
Okay, let's try it out. Rick, Marge, hop up.
Sir.
- Okay, Marge, ready stance. Okay. - Sir.
Rick, we're gonna have you on the attack first.
Throw a round kick.
Block with the right, distracting back fist,
number one side kick, and spin crescent kick.
There we go. Boom. Got him. Got him.
Got you, didn't she, Rick?
No, I was just doing what you told me to do.
That's fine. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Think you can beat this combination?
I think Marge and I know different. Don't we, Marge?
- Yes, sir. - Okay. Let's do this again.
- Marge, ready stance. - Sir.
Keep your eyes on Rick.
And don't forget the distracting back fist. That's the key.
Rick, you come with whatever you got.
Full contact, no holds barred, okay?
I'm gonna warn you,
I don't think you're gonna like how this ends, hotshot.
- Face your partner. Kyungneh. - Sir.
Sparring stances.
Sheejahk!
She still alive?
Somebody check her pulse, please.
- Fuck you! - What are you doing, weirdo?
I just scared the shit out of you is what I'm doing.
No, you didn't!
You totally thought you were just about to get murdered.
Aren't you even gonna ask me how my first day at work was?
I'm sorry, Your Majesty, how was your first day at work?
Shitty. This Chinese bitch was trying to start some shit with me.
She was trying to give me shit about making personal phone calls.
And I was like, "Fuck you, you stupid fucking bitch!
- "I'm on my lunch break!" - Okay, well, my turn.
It was pretty cool at work today because I signed up a new student.
That's terrific.
She was a girl, this student was a girl, a new girl I signed up.
And she's kind of cool, into different stuff.
Into yoga, meditations, beautiful bodies, healthy bodies.
So, what, you're trying to tell me you like her or something?
Why do I... 'Cause of what I told you about yoga? Give me a break.
No, I'm just telling you that she just got back from being abroad, actually.
She was taking college abroad, in another country.
- She was getting an education. - So?
You might be interested in a story like that,
- a success story like that. - You don't have a degree.
I don't have a degree myself? Sweetheart, I have four degrees.
College degree and a black belt degree are the same thing. Yeah, right.
And you know what I think?
I think someone who doesn't have a degree at all
should just go ahead and just keep to what they know.
Which in your case is what? Dental, denter...
Dentist assistory, or something?
- Dentistry. - Dentistry? Whatever.
I can't even believe that's something that's real.
You know what? I'm really fucking tired.
I told you I had a shitty day.
I'm not gonna play your stupid,
"I'm gonna give you shit after your first day at work" games, okay, Fred?
Okay, well, get untired, because tonight
is two-for-one crab legs at Captain Olanders.
- Stop. - Get you in the knee.
- Stop! - Get your face. Get my own nuts.
- That's stupid! - Get me in my balls.
Get him in his balls.
That's stupid.
- Those shoes are pointy as hell. - I know.
They'll beat yours up in a fight.
Those shoes aren't gonna do nothing to nobody.
I'm so glad you got me out of the house and brought me here for crab.
Oh, look at that. It beeped once. Does that mean we're ready? Lookit!
- Who's the king of the demo? - You are, Mr. Simmons.
You're all goddamn right. I am the king of the demo.
One, two, three.
Now y'all might wanna watch your heads in the first row, here.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm playing with y'all.
Okay, here we go.
How many slices have you had, Julio?
How about, you've had enough?
I'm not gonna sit here and pay for you to stuff your face.
So, Henry, how's school been for you?
It's been all right.
Still planning on going to college?
Yes, sir.
That's okay, I guess.
Julio, of course, is up to nothing.
You're aware that I've been grooming an apprentice here?
I mean, I think that's no secret to any of y'all, correct?
But who's to say that a general
can't groom two apprentices?
So that, in the case that Apprentice A
can't hold a single goddamn board steady during a demo,
you got Apprentice B, the fail-safe.
- Can you hold a board straight, Henry? - Yes, sir.
I mean, I think as soon as you get your self-confidence problem down pat,
I think that the future here at the studio
is gonna be pretty much wide open to you.
I got two words for you, "Demo Team."
Can I be on the Demo Team, too, sir?
I think we're gonna keep you where you're at, Bruce.
Self-control.
- Hey. - Hey, what's going on?
Nothing. What are you doing?
Just trying to fix this little dude on my patch.
His fist looks like a little nub. I'm trying to get the stitching right.
How was work?
It was all right.
I made a list of who would be most likely to go on a killing spree.
Yeah?
It pissed everybody off.
It was actually the highlight of my day. It was awesome.
That's cool.
Guess who was the first one on the list?
- Who's that? - You know that girl Jennie
I always tell you about?
- Yeah, that fat one? - Yeah.
What the fuck is this?
So, anything else
interesting or odd happening around work?
Nothing... Not too much. It sucks, as usual.
We had a little office party the other night.
Okay.
Suze, sweetheart,
could you
tell me what the fuck this is?
Or perhaps, like, what this is?
Because it's my wife's ass.
Why are you going through my fucking work papers?
This kind of looks like this is my wife's breast, perhaps.
- What is this? - It's nothing!
My wife's tits on a Xerox machine.
And just a bunch of dudes. Time of your life. Who's this?
A dude with his mouth open.
- Who the hell is this fucking guy? - That's my boss.
Mr. Fisher.
- Lil' Steve Fisher's dad? - No, my boss.
Lil' Stevie Fisher's dad, your boss. Great.
- What? What do you want to know? - What have you been up to?
We just had a party. Things got out of control.
I really don't know what else to tell you besides that.
What? I just need to know simply what happened. That's all I'm asking for.
What happened?
Mr. Fisher and I, we sort of did something.
I got really drunk, like Myrtle Beach drunk.
What happened?
I gave him a hand job.
You gave somebody a hand job?
To fit in, to make friends, you stroked some dude off?
I'm just gonna go stay with my cousin Julie for a couple of nights.
Julio, take over.
Okay, let's line up for forms!
Guys! Stop! We're supposed to be practicing our forms!
Yeah, I'm being totally disgusting.
And you're just a goddamn angel, aren't you?
Okay, yeah, beautiful mouth. Yeah, fuck me. Wonderful attitude.
Wonderful fucking attitude! I hate you, too!
I don't hate you. Suzie? Suzie? Hello?
God damn it! You gonna hang up on me?
How about I take my shotgun and shoot your fucking tits off!
- What are you doing out here? - I don't know, sir.
How long have you been standing out here for?
I need to talk to you, Julio. I need to tell you something very important.
Man to man, okay? You listening?
Yes, sir.
This world is a dark, dark forest.
And if you open up a man and look into most of their hearts,
you'll find disgust and evil.
- You hear me? - Yes, sir.
Your own parents, your mother and father,
would slit your throat just to get ahead.
And when you find a wife, you watch her.
And you don't believe a single word she says.
Because, at the core, people are shit.
The only person that you can trust is me, your Taekwondo instructor.
I will never sell you out. Will you ever betray me, Julio?
No, sir.
I know you won't because you're loyal. You're one of my allies.
Now why aren't you out there teaching class, like I asked you to?
- They're not listening to me. - Who's not listening to you?
Brandon, Tamika and Lil' Stevie.
- Lil' Stevie Fisher? - Yes, sir.
Fisher, okay.
All right. We're gonna learn some lessons today, class.
How about some lessons?
Class, as you notice, Lil' Stevie has a problem with his defense.
And that problem is, he has absolutely no defense!
He's weak as hell. Look at the frustration in his little Fisher eyes.
Look at him. He's weak as hell, huh?
Look at that. Now, class, it's very important
to control your opponent.
Did I get under your skin? What you gonna do? What you gonna do?
You gonna do something, huh? What's up?
Illegal contact! That's illegal contact!
No, it wasn't!
Oh, shit.
You do not hit my kid! I don't care what he did!
I don't care if he spit in your face!
Who the hell do you think you are?
Well, there must... Maybe we got something confused here.
Me and Lil' Stevie were just having a good time.
Isn't that right, buddy?
You're an idiot!
Oh, I'm an idiot.
Okay, well, you know what?
I didn't wanna bring this out in front of everybody,
but you're not really leaving me any choice.
I think you need to take a good look in the mirror, Mrs. Fisher.
How well do you think your marriage is going?
How dare you!
You don't even know, do you?
What the hell are you talking about, Simmons?
Office party. My wife. Your husband.
Mr. Simmons, my husband is dead!
You're making this really awkward.
Okay, everybody, it's time for forms. Derek, you got your cup on?
'Cause I will hit you there.
You're a trainee, I'm an instructor. Listen to what I'm saying.
What else you got? Let me see some moves.
Come on. Weakling.
Come on, let's pretend like we can do something. Okay, weak.
Come on, get it over! What's wrong with you?
You're messing... You're totally messing up!
Whether you're interested in self-defense,
staying in shape, or a fun activity for the entire family,
Taekwondo America is just what you're looking for.
And that's who trained me.
So, shall I draw up the contracts?
I don't really know. It just seems so expensive.
Well, you're in luck, because today we have a special deal.
It's $19.99 for the first month, and that includes a free uniform.
But then it goes up to $50 a month after that, right?
Which is also a terrific deal.
But then you charge for testings and sparring gear, right?
I mean, it sounds great, but it's...
I don't know, it just seems too expensive.
Okay, I know what we're dealing with now.
- You're one of those soft people. - Excuse me?
You're lazy, and I have a good idea that, when you came in here,
you had no intentions upon signing up.
Just wasting my time. You're a weak person.
I could give you the confidence you need to correct the situation,
but I don't know.
Doesn't even seem like it would probably take to you.
- Thank you for your time, sir. - Thank yourself.
Before you go, let me leave you with one thing.
You will always regret this,
and you will never be anything that's worthy of anything.
Fuck you!
Fuck you, you fatass.
If you were in prison, you'd be raped
because you exude feminine qualities.
You're also a big old fat piece of ass.
- Go home, you piece of shit. - Fuck you!
Denise, could I see you in my office for a second, please?
Denise, you can go ahead and have a seat.
So how are you doing?
I'm okay. Class is good.
How about life outside of TKD?
Did my card go through and everything? Is it okay?
Listen, I know I seem like a serious martial artist,
but outside of class, I like to cut loose.
I like to have a good time. Have a beer or two.
Go to a musical dance club.
Just kind of really get down and just...
Kind of just be free.
- That's cool. - Yeah, it's real cool.
You like to party?
We should party together sometime. I could give you a call.
I don't think that that's
- such a good idea. - I don't even need to...
We don't even have to go through the weird schematics of me asking.
I already got your number and address from your registration form.
I don't know. I know that
you don't really know a lot about me,
but you're kind of meeting me at an interesting point in my life right now.
Me and my wife are kind of going through some...
I don't know, just kind of an awkward patch.
Just kind of a weird area.
And I'm just kind of not really sure
if we're gonna make it to the other side or not.
Sorry about that.
I went through a breakup about a year ago.
It was really hard, so I know it can really tear people up.
Wow. Did you just feel that?
What?
I mean, we totally just connected right there.
I mean, it's, you know, not every day that
someone will give me advice that is just totally dead on. You know?
It just kind of sums up exactly what I'm thinking.
I appreciate that, Denise.
Thank you very much. Touch me here.
Let me see your hand.
- Okay. - Close your eyes.
- You feel that energy? - No.
It's in here.
I wanna thank you, Denise, for,
you know, just
having some time for an old champion like myself.
I know I seem like
I'm invincible and nothing can hurt me, but that's not really the truth.
And it takes a special person to kind of unlock
the real me.
And I feel like, in a way, that's what you've done here today
with your kind words.
Well, just keep your head up. I'm sure you'll pull through.
I think I will, too. I'm already starting to feel a lot better.
Just wonderful.
- I think I should go. - Yeah, you better go.
- Stop! - Sir!
- Face your partner. - Sir!
Charyut! Kyungneh!
Shake hands.
- All right, rotate. - Sir!
- Face your partner. - Sir!
- Feet together. Hands by your side. - Sir!
Kyungneh!
Sparring stance!
And, spar!
Okay, easy, easy!
He won't even fight!
- Come on, Henry, get back in here. - Yes, sir!
I know you got more juice than that.
Don't waste your parents' money being a punching bag.
Ridiculous.
Okay, stop. Rick. Rick!
Stop! Rick! Break! Everybody, sit down!
Sir!
Rick! Buddy, you have some serious anger issues!
Okay, this ain't therapy. You're not gonna work that stuff out here.
Everybody knows Henry's weak and has a confidence problem.
You're gonna try to exploit that? Not in my studio!
Fifty push-ups. Now!
- Yes, sir. - Count them out.
One. Two. Three.
- Count them out. Sir! - Four.
Five, sir! Six, sir! Seven, sir!
Eight, sir! Nine, sir!
You ought to come over one night.
I make a great crusted salmon with garlic on asparagus.
- You cook? I love to cook! - Oh, yeah, all the time.
Sure. You ought to come on over.
We'll try perhaps adding a second entrée,
maybe from some place you've been overseas. You been anywhere lately?
Actually, I just came back from the Netherlands.
Oh, really? Well, maybe we won't deep fry it,
but maybe something Indonesian from there.
So, when do you think would be good for us to get together?
Probably Wednesday night would be good for me.
Okay, okay.
Suzie, this is Fred, again.
Maybe some of the stuff I talked to you about didn't really get through
because I have not received one phone call from you today.
To be quite frank with you, I'm a little ticked off
and pretty much super pissed, so...
Change it. Figure out how to change the situation.
I am not comfortable with where we are and this not calling back,
and just kind of
with everything that's going on, you can understand where I'm at.
So, I need you to call me back
because I am not happy.
So, what else? That's it.
I love you very much, but I still am pissed.
Okay, have a good night.
Henry, where's your ride?
My mom was supposed to take me home.
What the hell do they think this is, a goddamn day care center?
Go get your shit. I'll take you home.
- You know what a hand job is? - Yes, sir.
It's when a female strokes a male's genitalia
till he ejaculates.
That's what a hand job is, Henry. Sex 101 for you.
Makes me sick to my goddamn stomach.
I've been married to this lady for quite some time.
I mean, this is my fucking life, dude. I mean, give me a goddamn break!
I'm married to a goddamn... Some slut
who's gonna jerk off every motherfucker
that knows how to work a goddamn computer at her fucking job?
Jesus Christ!
I mean, this is me talking to you here.
I'm in full goddamn control, and shit like this can happen to me!
What's gonna happen to you?
'Cause you sure as hell are a lot fucking weaker than me.
- I don't know, sir. - Yeah.
I bet you your wife's probably gonna butt-fuck somebody.
Mr. Simmons, my mom's probably waiting for me.
I'm freaking you out there, kid. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Let's talk about you. Wanna talk about you?
- Sure. - Yeah.
Why did you start Taekwondo? How about that?
Let's start with something simple.
- I really don't know. - Was it 'cause of bullies?
Sort of.
Bet it was, wasn't it? I hate that mean shit.
My psychiatrist says that it's perfectly normal
for, you know, a guy my age to feel isolated...
Oh, motherfucker! Oh, my God, that's her! Get down!
That's her. That's fucking her.
Look at her, she's with three dudes.
Three goddamn guys. Look at that guy.
Look at friendly man opening up the goddamn door for her.
See how she's enjoying herself?
I bet you that's him. I bet that's fucking Mr. Fisher.
Look at him.
They look like they're about to have sex with her to you?
I don't know.
I wanna hear "sir"! Count them out!
Sir! Sir!
- Sir! Five, sir! Six, sir! - Sir. Get them up!
Anyone else wanna be a little jerk like Brandon?
Come on, wake up, Pete! Come on.
Your weakness is disgusting to me!
Throw a punch that's gonna do something!
If you don't wanna try, then just go ahead and go home,
'cause you're wasting both of our time here!
- I'm trying, Mr. Simmons! - Try harder.
'Cause right now, you're sucking.
- Mr. Simmons, I gotta pee-pee. - Pinch it off!
Pete, what the hell are you doing? Get in your ready stance!
Julio! Will you answer the fucking phone?
You're in charge. You're in charge. You're fucking in charge.
You're a champion. You're a champion.
No, you're a fucking phony. She gave him a hand job.
I'm a winner.
I feel my fucking power slipping. My power is slipping.
You're fucking pathetic! You're pathetic.
No, you're fucking cool.
I'm a fucking asshole.
They don't know. They don't know shit.
Confidence, strength.
You better keep it together. You can keep this together.
Strength, virtue.
I can keep this. I can make this work.
I can hold myself completely together.
Fuck! Pull it the fuck together!
I'm sorry, guys.
I just blew it.
And it hurts.
I'm so sorry.
Mr. Simmons?
Not today, Julio, okay? Go sit down. Go sit with the kids. Not today.
Go sit down. Okay?
Everybody paying attention? Eyes up here.
Got a very special treat for all you guys today.
A close friend of mine, actually my best friend,
has decided to pay us a little visit.
This man, I went to high school with, I grew up with him,
and we both trained under Mr. Powers.
I want y'all to give him the utmost respect,
listen to everything he has to say,
because if you pay close attention, y'all might learn something.
Everyone, let's give it up for Mr. Mike McAlister.
5%.
5% of all people
who start Taekwondo
actually make it to black belt.
1%.
1% become fourth degree black belts.
Mr. Simmons is a fourth degree black belt.
I'm a fifth degree.
But I don't believe in belts.
Let's break some cement.
I'm glad we have this time to talk.
Right away, before we go any further,
I wanna establish a code of conduct.
This trip we're on is for men, not little boys.
You guys are gonna see things that you've never seen before.
And when we get back, nobody's gonna tattle.
Right, Julio?
'Cause I'm gonna do a lot of bad things,
and you guys aren't going to stop me.
- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.
You guys ever had sex?
Y'all getting to know Mike pretty good back here?
- Why don't you go ahead and buckle up. - No, thank you.
Okay. You guys, buckle up.
If anybody has to take a piss, now is the time,
'cause we're getting ready to get the H- E double hockey sticks outta here.
I mean, Julio, give me a break.
I mean, it's obvious that Chuck "The Truck" would win
in a fight against Jeff Speakman.
I mean, Kenpo is the shittiest of all martial arts.
I mean, it's two freaking sticks.
It's just ignorant to think otherwise. Plain ignorant.
- Check this out. - What you got?
Oh, no, you did not! Oh, my God!
It's Mike's band, Sexual Warriors. These guys are totally awesome.
This is great. This sounds so professional.
Wow, man. You did this?
Oh, my God.
How much longer? Hurry up.
When I told y'all to take pees before we left,
I was serious about that.
I mean, I gotta take a shit, you don't see me out here acting like an animal.
Missing valuable expo time right now.
Probably already sold all the good throwing stars.
This is gonna be so awesome. God, look at all this Truck stuff!
Hey. It's $5 a ticket.
Okay. Y'all got your money? I'm not paying for you guys.
- There you go. - Thanks.
There are many pressure points in the body. Some can cause extreme pain.
Such as here.
Another that can cause a person to pass out.
Please listen carefully. This move takes years of practice.
If you do it too fast or in the wrong place,
you can actually cause your partner's death.
We have booths set up in the corner for our schools...
Fucking amateurs.
And now, we have a special treat for everyone!
This is what you've all been waiting for.
Seven-year undefeated Open Sparring Champion,
world record Board Breaking Champion,
the star of 7 Rings of Pain,
Parts I, II, and III!
I know him! You know him!
We're downtown, y'all! Let's get loud!
Please welcome
Chuck "The Truck" Wallace!
Break that shit!
Oh, my God!
Is this what you want?
- There you go, buddy. - Thanks, Chuck.
Mr. Wallace, Fred Simmons. Pleasure to meet you.
This is Mike McAlister, and these are some of my students.
I gotta tell you, I consider myself to be a master of the demo,
and I really haven't seen anything like
what you just showed everyone in this room.
I mean, that was really powerful stuff, and, you know, I was blown away.
Cool. Thank you.
I own a karate school, Taekwondo school,
and I just think that my students would really love it
if maybe you wanted to come down for their testing next month.
Why don't we not talk business now.
You and your boys, why don't you come by my suite?
Room 624. Just come there later tonight and we'll hash this all out.
- Are you serious? - Believe it.
Definitely. We'll definitely come by and...
- To your hotel room? Oh, my God. - Sure.
You think that I could get an autograph?
You're my favorite movie star.
Julio, where's that money your mom gave you?
- I spent it all. - You spent it on junk?
I spent it on a weapon.
God.
I'm about to shit my pants! This is so fucking awesome!
Goddamn! Look at Julio. He's not even excited.
Be cool, all right?
You guys on the list?
Yeah, we're guests of Chuck "The Truck" Wallace.
Chuck, do you know these guys?
Hey, demo man!
Y'all bring some hot chicks?
Not really. Just my buddy Mike, and Henry and Julio. And me.
Then get the fuck out of here.
I'm kidding! Come on in! Come on in!
How's it going, ladies?
This is a beautiful town. We're really enjoying ourselves.
Guys, you look great tonight. Perfect. You throw a good party.
Hey.
Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit.
See that? This guy sucks with the leg work.
This guy is defenseless.
Arms crossed. Trapped.
And you're just handsome. Good God, you're handsome, my boy.
To life! Fuck it!
Okay. Oh, shit. Oh, that's cool. Oh, shit. Okay.
- Hold up, dude. You got an ID? - It's all right, I'm with Mr. Simmons.
Yeah, yeah, that's cool. But I don't know who the fuck that is.
Y'all know Mr. Simmons?
Hey, you should check out getting a fake ID.
- You know what that is? - No, what?
You're a douche.
Where'd you get the beer, Fred?
Somebody left it in the bathroom, but it tastes fine. It's fine.
Cage match, me and a silverback gorilla.
I'm not really feeling this party.
You know, just not really coming off like I planned.
I mean, just a little disappointed.
Chuck, he hasn't even said anything about the demo yet.
It's like he doesn't even care.
Plus, he obviously likes you more than me.
Perhaps you should go speak with him about it.
- You think so? Just go and talk to him? - Definitely. What do you have to lose?
- How's my shirt look? Fine? - Looks absolutely beautiful.
Thank you. Okay, here I go.
Come on, man, isometrics! Animals don't lift weights.
And animals are strong.
Who wants to see me with my shirt off?
Your body looks great, Chuck!
- Looking good. - Thanks.
Fag.
In your twisted reality
Your mind don't throw no tricks at me
You're just a kid in grownup clothes
A shit-eating baby from your head to your toes
You dumbass
You ugly fucking jerk
You fucking asshole
And you're ugly as hell
- Fuck! - Armand!
Motherfuck. Armand, are you all right? Armand!
You just killed fucking Armand, you motherfucker!
Oh, Christ.
This is The Truck's party, guys. We can't be fighting.
- What the hell are you doing, Henry? - You're a bunch of fucking assholes!
Julio, Jesus Christ, dude!
Fuck it, get ready!
What?
You think it's cool just to come into my party
and beat up the band?
I think that's cool as shit!
Armand, Emmanuel, get up.
Bring these boys some beers.
They've earned them. And you know what?
That little karate testing thing, I'm gonna do it.
- For real? - Yeah.
You'll come to the school and do the testing?
Oh, yeah.
God damn! That's awesome, Chuck. Thank you very much.
'Cause I like you, 10 grand.
Ten grand. I don't really have that kind of money.
- It's a friend price. - A friend, huh?
Let's party, people! Come on!
Everything changes starting today.
Today, I'm gonna teach y'all about your forms.
If y'all would like to get to your next belt, which I'm assuming you would,
you're gonna have to know these things correctly.
This is kind of rushed.
We only got two weeks until the testing.
A lot of y'all know I've had some personal stuff happening with me,
and, you know, kind of threw me for a loop there.
I got weak for a little bit of time. Just about that little bit.
But now we need to put that behind us.
We need to step up to the plate.
We need to accept what's in front of us, and we just need to go for it.
This testing is humongous for us.
Chuck "The Truck" Wallace is gonna be there.
We're in the spotlight. It's our time to shine.
Think y'all are ready for this? Think you can handle it?
- Yes, sir! - Yes, sir!
I didn't hear you.
I said, do you think y'all can handle this?
- Yes, sir! - Yes, sir!
Let's begin, shall we?
The name of your form is Chon-Ji. It has 19 movements.
The yellow belt represents the earth in which the plant takes root.
Do-San is a pseudonym for the patriot.
Hung Chung-ho!
The green belt signifies the plant's growth
as the skill of Taekwondo develops!
The blue belt signifies the sky.
Toi Gai is the pen name of noted scholar Yee Wong.
The name of the form is Hwa-Rang.
Red belt means danger. It cautions the student to use control.
One! Two!
Tight fist. Tight fist.
Blocks up. Keep them up.
One! Two! One! Two!
Good form, Bruce. One! Keep your fingers together, Rick.
Two!
One!
Two! Three!
Four!
Keep your stance.
What are you doing here?
I'm so stupid!
- What happened? - Those assholes fired me.
So, I mean, what are you doing here?
You're my rock.
I realized that I need your confidence and your strength.
- Because I'm so strong. - Yeah.
That's why you're coming back to me,
because you've realized how strong I am.
I mean, I know I may seem like I'm the strongest man
that you've ever known before or ever met,
but the fact of the matter is that
I'm penetrable, you know?
I have a human heart that ticks under here and...
I know. I'm so sorry. You make me feel safe.
Who doesn't wanna feel safe, you know?
But I got to feel safe, too.
And in order for that to happen...
I could be the bigger man,
but you're gonna have to be the smaller woman, to some extent.
I know. I will.
I just need you to say it.
I love you.
Not that.
I'm sorry.
Not that, either.
Let's just not say anything.
You took your shoes off.
I don't ever wanna disrespect you in your house again.
Don't you ever disrespect me.
There's not really an easy way to put this, but...
What me and you had? It's no more.
It's over with now.
I know this is gonna be hard for you to take,
but I think you might just wanna take a moment and just let it soak in.
Just take it.
Mr. Simmons, I really need to go practice my forms.
I'm patching things up with my wife,
and it really is probably not gonna work
if a former flame of mine is taking class here.
So, unfortunately for you, I'm tearing up your contract.
You're kicking me out of class?
That's one way of looking at it.
Or you could look at it the way I do,
which is that we were just two stars kind of moving through the space
and we kind of found our own path.
- This is ridiculous! You're ridiculous! - Okay.
Let's not ruin the memories. Just be nice.
There's no reason to get nasty.
Well,
I rebuilt the engine about a year ago.
New tires, new brakes.
Gotten this baby up to 157 on the open highway,
plus there were 2,000 rpm's left.
It's a very special car. It means a lot to me.
And sure I wanna sell it, I wanna get rid of it,
but that doesn't mean I'm gonna unload it on any little yahoo
that comes in here off the street, thinking this car's neat-o.
I wanna check your credentials. I gotta know what kind of man you are.
Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?
Well, I've always wanted to drive a car like this, since I was a teenager.
I've got two kids, and I've got debt up to my ass.
My wife said she'd divorce me if I wasted my money on this.
I don't care. I want it, anyway.
I hear what you're saying.
And I like it. You got yourself a deal.
A toast.
Here's to finding our footing again.
To traveling along paths that we think are the right paths,
but end up not being the right paths,
but discovering the path we were on originally was perfect for us.
And to the magic that lies in each of our souls
that can create love
and cherishness
forever.
So that's my office in there, where I do a lot of my work.
If you don't mind, I'm just gonna introduce you to everybody.
They'll get a kick out of this.
Everybody! We've a special guest today all the way from Hollywood.
I'd like you to meet Chuck "The Truck" Wallace, everybody.
Yeah, give him a hand. Wonderful, wonderful.
Go on with what you're doing. Go back to what you were doing.
As you can see, I kind of run the gambit here.
I teach everything from little guys, little kindergartners,
to senior citizens. It's not a big deal.
Raul, you think you wanna show The Truck your 360?
Check this out. Watch this.
- Look out. What you think about that? - That's great.
- Good job, Raul. Good job. - Hey, you got that money?
Yeah. A business man. I can appreciate that.
I'm a businessman myself. The money's actually back at my house.
I had to sell my car for it, but anything for you is cool.
- I don't give a shit. - We'll just go back to my house.
Mitchell, you wanna meet The Truck? You wanna shake The Truck's hand?
Mitchell here was a basket case till I got a hold of him.
Now he's dressing sharp, making good grades, slaying the ladies.
Come on. Don't be shy. Shake The Truck's hand.
Hey, can we get the fuck outta here? I'm shitfaced.
Yeah, yeah. You go back to your stuff. Yeah, that's totally fine.
Here we are. This is the master bedroom.
This is where I usually sleep, but you can sleep here tonight.
Me and Suze are just gonna go ahead and crash on the couch.
So, you know, feel free to spread out, do whatever you want to.
- Cool. - It's up to you.
My wife decorated this room.
It kind of has like a Myrtle Beach theme. She's really into dolphins.
Chuck?
My wife has beautiful taste. She pretty much decorated everything.
Speak of the devil, there she is now. Home from work?
Hey.
Why don't you hop on up and meet our guest here?
This is Chuck "The Truck" Wallace. Chuck, this is my wife Suze.
- Pleasure. - Nice to meet you.
What a charmer this one is?
She'll probably never wash her hands again,
I swear to God. That's how she is with stars.
Some party you're having here, Salazar.
Guess my invitation got lost in the mail.
Look at that. Look at that. What a coincidence that is.
Unfortunately for you, I've got an ax to grind.
This is great. This is absolutely terrific.
You know, I got my beautiful wife here, I love you, Suzie,
and my best hero.
You mind if I call you that, "my best hero"?
Let's stick with Chuck.
I just feel so lucky right now. I really do.
This is a moment I would like to just have last forever.
Well, I gotta go ahead and make tracks. I gotta go teach Taekwondo.
So, if y'all are set here, everybody's feeling comfortable and stuff...
Just make yourself at home. Do whatever you need to do.
I'm gonna go teach the young ones.
I'll be back shortly. Be good, okay? And have fun.
Don't worry, we're friends till the end. The bitter end.
- You ready for tomorrow, Bruce? - Damn right, sir.
- Think you owe me 10 bucks. - Yes, sir.
- You got a ride home? - Yeah, I do.
- Perfect. - Thank you.
- Have a good night. Get some rest. - You, too.
- Say it. - I love you.
- Say it again. - I love riding The Truck.
Come on, say it louder.
I love riding The Truck!
- Oh, that's good. - There you go.
- What the hell, Suzie! - Holy shit!
- Fred, what are you doing home? - What the hell is going on?
- You're gonna do this to me again? - It's nothing. It didn't mean anything!
Oh, God, baby, it's not what you think!
- You were fucking him! - We were just talking.
- Yeah, talking! - Guys, come on, it's just sex.
No. This is it! I've about had enough of you!
I was excited to come home and just hang out with you,
and I come home and I see this!
Baby, it didn't mean anything! He's a movie star!
I know he's a movie star!
I'm the one who got him to come here for my fucking testing!
Listen, let me just talk about this. Can we go outside?
We're gonna go outside, all right. We are definitely going outside.
I always told people we'd never fight.
I was so goddamn excited when you agreed to come to my testing.
I know you're a warrior, so I'll give you
the basic right of stretching before our battle.
But besides that, I ain't gonna give you shit.
Not mercy. Not even forgiveness.
Let's hurry up and do this. I gotta get back to fucking your wife.
- What did you just say? - I said, "Let's hurry up and do this..."
That was stupid.
Get ready to get run over by The Truck.
That shit barely even hurt me, dude.
Okay. Okay.
All that and my shirt's still tucked in. Pathetic.
- How about this? - Shit.
Motherfucker. Goddamn.
Hurts a lot more when it's not for points.
- Come on. Come on, big boy. Come on. - All right, you motherfucker.
How about that?
How about that, huh?
Take that, you adulterous motherfucker, you.
What you got now? Got any left inside of you?
Oh, God. Oh.
You motherfucker! You spit on me!
I told you. Is this worth $10,000?
You're such a fucking dick sucker! God!
- Fuck you! - What the fuck?
Fuck you!
Mr. Powers, I'm Mark Love. Good to see you.
We have seats at the Judges' Table for all of you.
- Where's Mr. Simmons? - He's on his way.
Everybody, line up for forms!
- Where's Mr. Simmons? - I said, "Line up!"
- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.
Today, you will be testing for your new belt.
Mr. Simmons isn't here, so I'll be running the testing today.
Does anybody have a problem with that?
No, sir!
I didn't hear you! Does anybody have a problem with that?
No, sir!
- Show me a ready stance! - Sir!
Somebody really beat him up.
Sorry I'm late. Where are we?
- This looks bad, Mr. Simmons. Bad. - Julio, where are we?
We're done, you understand me?
- Red belts still have to do their sparring. - Thank you, Julio.
- You're a good instructor, buddy. - Thanks, Mr. Simmons.
- You're forgetting your place here, Fred. - Fuck off.
Good morning, everyone, and welcome to our testing.
I'm okay. I'm all right.
Had a little accident last night, but I'm doing okay.
Rick, Henry, line up for sparring.
Face your partner!
Kyungneh!
Rick, bow!
Sparring stances!
Sheejahk!
- Fred, you need to make them stop. - Let them go.
Somebody's gonna get hurt.
Stop! Rick! Henry! Stop!
Henry, 25 push-ups for going too hard.
Mr. Wallace, it's an honor to meet you.
Yeah, well, I'm a man of my word.
Mr. Simmons, what are you doing?
You think Mr. Wallace is so freaking cool.
I'm sorry about this, Mr. Wallace.
- Let me get some... - Now, let's just all settle down.
Apparently, he's had some trouble at home.
That concludes our testing for today.
Now, stick around because we have a special demonstration
from the legendary Chuck "The Truck" Wallace.
Shit.
Jesus, baby, you look terrible.
Well, that's because I got into a fight because of you and your ways.
Look, I know this has been hard on you. This has been so hard on me.
Let's just forget about all this.
Let's just start over, put everything behind us and just start brand new.
Just let bygones be bygones?
Yeah.
You can go and have a little hand job party at work,
and then have sexual intercourse with the hero of my life,
and then 'cause it doesn't work out the way you want it to,
you're just gonna come back to me and everything's gonna be hunky-dory.
Do you wanna know why I cheated on you?
Take a good look in the fucking mirror.
You wear this piece of shit outfit for real!
This isn't a uniform, this is a costume!
You're the king of the dumbest fucking kingdom!
I want you to take a good look at that ring on your finger,
and then take a good look at me!
And you tell me, are you really ready to give this up?
Let me think about that for a second.
Okay, I've thought about it.
And I think my answer to that question is gonna have to be, "Fuck you."
- Fuck me? - I don't care if you wake up in a ditch
with grown men shitting on you and jumping on top of your head.
Maybe your nose will turn into a big old dick
and you can stroke that all the time.
I hope your hair turns into dog shit one day.
You wake up and you run your comb through it,
and all that it is, is little trundles of dog shit.
The worst shit that you could imagine.
AIDS.
It's cool. Everything comes around, sweetheart.
What are you doing?
I'm relieving myself.
Jesus!
Turn that shit off.
Track number three, Julio.
So it begins.
Go!
- Chuck The Truck! Chuck The Truck! - Chuck The Truck! Chuck The Truck!
- Simmons! Simmons! Simmons! - Simmons! Simmons! Simmons!
Henry Harrison.
Thank you, sir.
Well, that concludes our awards ceremony.
But before y'all leave, there's one further announcement.
Mr. Roy Powers was very impressed with our testing
and he has decided that our school will be implementing a student oath.
He has chosen me to be the architect of this document.
I will now read to you the new student oath for the first time.
Student oath! Begin, sir!
"I shall observe the tenets of Taekwondo!
"I will always obey my instructor and senior students!
"I will never misuse Taekwondo!
"I will be a champion of freedom and justice!
"I will always be righteous and help build a more peaceful world!"