Five continents.
12 countries.
19 cities.
50,000 miles.
Five characters.
One dead terrorist.
We're all over the map.
Jeff Dunham All Over The Map
Hey, guys.
I just completed the longest and biggest tour I've ever been on
And I couldn't have done it without my wife Audrey,
who's travelled everywhere, or without my friend Jeff Rothpan,
who's never travelled further than his own mailbox.
Was I little concerned about doing shows in the Far East,
and Africa, and the Middle East?
No..
I was a lot concerned.
But the adventures all began in Iceland.
Subtitles by: Exclusive pappu.innocent@gmail.com
Walter, I'm just impressed that all these folks
came out for our show tonight?
-Well, don't be? Why?
-Well, it's Iceland.
It's not you or us.
There's nothing else to do here.
[Laughter]
I know you read up on Iceland a little bit before we came back
Oh Yeah. Yeah.
What did you read about?
Well, I read... The volcanoes..
You read about that? Oh yeah it's great..
Imagine something that can erupt at any second
and destroy everything in its path
Yup..
I'll be darn Why?
I married a volcano
-You know that Iceland has one of the highest life
expectancies in the entire world?
-I did not know that.
-Especially women.
-Yeah?
-Yeah, here a woman's average lifespan
is 90 to 100 years.
-Send my wife home immediately.
What is this?
Hell on earth?
All right. -How do you like the food here?
-Oh, very funny. What?
I tried some of that-- what do you called that?
Hakharl hacaral hakaral.
You cannot speak Icelandic without moving your lips,
I'm telling you.
Think of that.
There's no Icelandic ventriloquist ever.
I will say, though, I think the thieves uh.. folks of Iceland are geniuses.
-How's that?
-They know how to keep it from getting
overcrowded with foreigners.
-How's that?
-Simply by naming the place..
Iceland.
It sounds like you'll freeze your ass off.
Plus it's easier to say than
"The dark long winter land where the weather is Shit."
We're morons for naming our country the United States.
Sounds way too welcoming.
We should've called our country:
"Crazy Assholes with guns."
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Did you get a chance to go to a volcano?
Oh, yes I did.
Did you take your wife?
Yes, I did.
What'd she think?
She kept saying the same thing over and over.
What?
Stop trying to push me in.
On another subject did you know that strip clubs are also illegal here?
Really? Right..
So if I wanna see a naked woman
I'd have to a six hour flight to Scotland?
Or, There is your wife
Oh that's true. In Iceland its legal to ...
Whale hunt
That's not nice
So I do an interview with the Nancy Grace of Iceland
Tough penetrating questions.
How do we face criticism? We don't care..
Good thing we had to hold our own microphone. This place is on a budget
Look I don't wanna start a riot or anything but I want all the..
Hot Icelandic women to know..
I'm easy..
The only problem is
Jeff will have to come along too
I'm.. I'm happily married
Not my problem
-Did you know that every single city in Iceland
is named after the sound a cat makes
when throwing up a hair ball?
[Laughter]
I learned that.
-That's not true.
-Oh?
Reygoovableh.
[Laughter]
There it is.
My favourite person in Iceland is a guy named Half Thor..
He should be called whole Thor..
because he won strongest man in Iceland and in Europe..
I didn't test him but I believed him
Was little awkward walking around with the guy because he
Pulls trucks and I...
Have Dolls..
Game Of Thrones Right?
Yes.. So who do you play in Game Of Thrones?
uh.. The Mountain The Mountain?
In... in the season.. four.
Well that make sense it wouldn't be good
If you were like the stick So you the Mountain..
And You are a Viking I'm a ventriloquist so...
We have nothing in common No not really..
How far can you actually throw me?
Probably throw to water over there You wanna try?
No. I don't wanna try
What do you think about Iceland?
uh.. Do they have beer?
Yeah.. My favourite place ever
You know.. Even though it's named Iceland, did you
know the winters here are actually fairly mild?
-No.
-Mm-hm.
-Oh.
Guess they should have called it Chile.
[Laughter]
That's a joke Half Thor
If you eat too much will you be three quarters Thor?
I did a fraction. That was good..
-Have you seen the colors of the Icelandic flag?
-Uh, no, I haven't seen it.
-There's red for the volcanic fires.
-Oh, that's good.
-Blue for the mountains in the distance.
-Yeah.
-And white--
-For the people.
[Laughter]
So have you enjoyed being here in Iceland?
I hate the Volcanoes
Why?
Things blowing up naturally..
If this gets popular I'll be out of a job.
If one goes off while I'm here I'm taking credit for it
See that pile of smoke and ash?
I did that..
Tada...
[Yodelling]
-OK, did you know that they have the oldest tree in Norway
right here in Bergen.
-Fascinating.
If I want to see some old wood, I'll take a Viagra.
[Laughter]
Thank you.
-Did you know the first ever ski jumper was from Norway?
-Let me guess, married and miserable?
-So you've never been snow skiing?
-Actually, yes, once.
Broke a leg.
-Oh, I bet that hurt.
-I don't know.
Wasn't my leg.
Norway is all about water
I found a sea captain who agreed to
Help me with the severalties of the language
Can you teach me to say..
Um...
I can't find my room
OK. Forget it
Did you know Norway is a constitutional Monarchy.
Oh yeah yeah..
It means they have a king..
So its true?
Elvis is alive..
No
Another thing you know you better not get caught driving drunk
Why?
Well if you caught you have to spend 30 days in jail
They suspend your license oh yeah yeah..
And then they fine you 10% of your annual income..
So that would be 12 dollars..
-Do you know where I can buy some whiskey around here?
-Well, in Norway you can only buy liquor
from special stores called, uh, good god.
[Laughter]
Vin-- how do you say it?
Yeah, that.
-There are none-- nur none hur dun nur dun.
So do you know about the midnight sun?
The midnight sun. Is that Norway's Batman?
No in the summer some parts of Norway
get 24 hours of sunlight..
What?
They have 24 hours of sunlight
Well, That's almost a whole day
-So we've done a lot of interesting things
while in Norway.
Yeah, This morning I milked a goat.
-Oh?
-Achmed got mad at me.
I think I was touching his chick.
On another subject I was taking about.
with the Walter that Norwegians invented skiing.
Oh... really? Yeah. In Norwegian the word ski
Means piece of wood Oh..yeah yeah.. piece of wood
Can I speak a Norwegian? Sure...
Oh Kay.. ummm
That hot lady in the front row
Is giving me a big ski
Heard something else interesting.. Did you know Norway sends Sweden its garbage
To use in its recycling programs
A lot of countries import other country's garbage..
Canada gave us Justin Beiber.
I was telling one of the other guy
As you know Norway means path to the North
That's interesting cos where we are from
Mexico means: "Pack your bags and start running north"
All right..
Silence, I kill you..
-So while we're here.
-Wait, I want to ask you something.
Can we go to Ikea?
-This is Norway.
Ikea is in Sweden.
-Oh, too bad.
I wanted to give Ikea a new advertising slogan.
-And what's that?
-I-Kea Al-you.
[Laughter]
-So Achmed, did you know the biathlon is popular here?
-What is this biathlon?
It's where you ski and shoot a gun.
-Oh! Yes, of course.
But in Los Angeles, you drive and shoot a gun.
-I also learned today that the Vikings put their dead
on a boat and sent them out to sea.
-Yes, of course.
The first Norwegian Cruise Line.
[Laughter]
So we landed in lovely Dublin, Ireland last night
We landed but none of the baggage did
I got like 29 baggage tags
No clothes, No dummies, No toothbrush, No Underwear, No nothing
So I'm sure in 8 hours I guess for now I'm just gonna
walk around and drink Guinness
-So have you learned much about Ireland since we got here?
Ah I'd say Americans and the Irish pretty much think alike.
-How's that?
-Most of us think our government should take flying fucking leap.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
-Well, besides politics, did you know that Bram Stoker who
wrote ah.. created Dracula is from Dublin?
-Oh really?
No, I heard.. Dracula , yeah..
Dracula?
You mean the guy who sleeps all day, goes out every night,
And can't stop drinking?
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Wonder where Stoker got that idea?
I once picked up an Irish hitch hiker.
-You did? -Yeah.
-Where was he going?
-Rehab.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Have you noticed this is very diverse city?
Yes, Yes. I saw the black guy.
Good for you
Did you see the O'Connell bridge? No what's that?
It's the only bridge in Europe that's as wide as as it is long..
Oh..
I married her
Is it a toll bridge?
No.. Oh..
Well that's another thing my wife
And that bridge have in common
How's that?
No one would ever pay to get on her either
Seems like she is Irish.
[gibberish]
[Laughter]
[gibberish]
-You're not saying anything.
-No, but they can understand me.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
-So what do you think about Dublin so far?
-Oh, duh, dur, uh, this is the land of beer.
-That's right.
-I know we're going to Israel soon,
but while we've been here in Dublin,
I've seen pubs everywhere, so I'm
pretty sure this is the Holy Land.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
And this is the biggest alcoholics anonymous meeting
I've ever been to.
-I have a joke.
-All right.
-What do you call women in Ireland?
-I don't know.
What do you call women in Ireland?
-You call them women, you chauvinist bastard.
-We landed in Belfast the other day, and I'm like what?
Belfast?
Am I here for a job interview.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
I love Dublin.
I would never do anything evil to Dublin.
-Really?
-I'm afraid of the soccer fans.
[Laughter]
But have you looked at this audience?
-Yes.
-Closely.
When the lights are out?
-Yes.
-I am made entirely out of bone and teeth,
and my color actually blends in.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
-All right, Achmed, look, as everybody was coming tonight,
they were given an opportunity or two to ask you a question.
-Yes.
-And everybody wrote them down, and before the show
we grabbed a handful, and I think you should answer them?
-Okie dokie.
-Dear Achmed, does Guinness go right through you?
[Laughter]
-You asshole!
Yes!
And so does potatoes--
[Laughter]
Corned beef and fucking sunlight.
All right, Victor A very important question.
Victor, Is this legitimate?
Yes Okie Dokie
Its.. What?
All right, You really want to do this?
Yeah Okay..
Holy Shit
From Victor, It says:
"Dear Achmed, would you help me propose to my girlfriend?"
No...
Next question?
I am just kidding Victor. Can we turn on house lights please?
House lights
Okay..
The guys working the lights are smoking weed.
Turn on the fucking lights.
There he is. OK
Victor before you do this..
Think this through..
Okay. All right. Let's hear it
Yeahhh..
This is the saddest thing I've ever seen
I asked your mommy to marry me
Prompted by a dead terrorist.
If you have kids name the first one Achmed
-Isn't England where Mary Poppins is from.
-It took place in London.
-Oh yeah, OK.
Yeah.
You know, I dated her for a while.
-You dated Mary Poppins?
-Yes, I did.
-No.
-Yeah, I did.
We were very young.
-Oh really? yeah yeah..
-I was the first guy to get into her chim chim cher-ee.
[Laughter]
Kinda ruined things when in the moment of passion
she started screaming some weird word.
It was like super California refrigerator
x the delicious lotion.
Something like that.
Pretty kinky chick I tell you that much
We landed in London its afternoon
Its time for a high tea with four
Very proper English ladies.
Walter do you know why are we here today?
Uh.. Tea
How come nobody is drinking it yet?
Well nobody has been told their mother
You do?... What did you call me?
we hardly ever have men at afternoon tea
We'll go out later. Trust me.. We want fun
So Peanut what has impressed you most
Since we been in England?
-Uh, I love this country because just about everything
is double entendre.
-Like what?
-Oh, come on. Even the food
Bangers and mash?
Come on!
-That's sausages and potatoes.
-It sounds more like a male dance team.
Or two guys dating.
I don't want to be mash, all right?
Have you seen any one famous since we have been here?
Yes I actually did. I saw.. Victoria Beckham
You did not. I did too
I Think, She was facing me
And then when she turns sideways She disappeared
-Did you know that the very first x-ray was taken right here
in Birmingham, England in 1896?
-Ha!
You call it an x-ray, I call it a selfie.
-So what did you do today?
-I saw where they keep all those useless wax figures.
-Ah, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum.
-No, no, no.
Parliament.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
-With that in mind, have you learned
anything since we've been here?
-Uh, I've learned that the folks in Birmingham
like to be called Brumies.
-Right.
-So I took that knowledge forward.
Unfortunately, the folks in Scotland
do not like to be called Scummies.
Oh, they got all pissed off.
I don't know what the hell they were saying.
You ever try to talk to an angry Scot?
Good God.
[Angry gibberish]
What the fuck are you saying?
Did you know that the Reverend Wilbet Audrey
Wrote Thomas the Tank Engine books here?
Really? hmm
So a clergyman came up with the books for young boys?
Well, you know what they say?
What's that?
"Write what you know"
No we are talking to this guy in front row
He is very calm, talking.. very nice Not you..
Ok. What is your first name again?
What? Nabeel Nab.. Nab.. Nabeel?
Is that a first name or something you
Take medicine to get rid of?
Is that a family name or just parents..
Drunk and ...
I'll name him Nabeel
Is that a common English name?
Noooo?
What? I'm from Iraq
Oh you are from Iraq What the fuck?
What are the odds
Birmingham England get the asshole from Iraq in the front row..
OK now I forgot your name Is it Habdul? Habu Nnn ..
Nabool? Nabeel Nabeel.
Holy crap
Can I call you Bob?
Here We are at the Claire's Island at the Beatles Story
Claire let's say some idiot comes in here
And no idea who the Beatles were
It happens? Doesn't it? Now and again..
Yeah you got morons coming here
Going: "Who the Beatles were?"
Let's say I'm one of those guys
Let's say Jeff is one of those guys
Go ahead Jeff ask..
Uh.. Who were the Beatles?
The Beatles were four boys
That come from Liverpool that actually changed the world.
Yeah they paved the way for One Direction
I think Beatles were a fag I give them three months top
So what do you think of Liverpool so far?
-Having a good time.
Yeah, lots of huh..
Beatles stuff..
-Well, this is the original home of the Beatles.
-Yeah, do Paul and Ringo ever get back here,
or are they still trying to avoid running into Pete Best?
[Laughter]
-For those who might be watching and not be familiar,
Pete Best was the original drummer
for The Beatles before--
-Before they dumped his ass and got Ringo.
-That's right.
-That had to suck.
You think he's over it by now?
-I don't know.
You know they named a street after Pete Best.
-Oh, well, yes, great.
[Laughter]
That's got to make up for the millions of dollars and pounds,
don't you think?
What the hell's the name of the street?
You got screwed boulevard?
Shafted Lane.. I don't kn..
It could have been you road. I don't know..
You guys have all the crazy tourists
Wanting to see where the Beatles are from
You know we in US we have the same thing
With the Elvis Precley Graceland in Memphis Woooo Yeah
Yeah.. Oh Yeah.. Shut up No one Cares here, Anyway
Graceland that's where Elvis fans flock
To see where Elvis lived
And if you are a Michael Jackson fan you
Can come out to L.A and take a walking tour
Of all his plastic surgeon offices
Quite lovely..
The nose was done here
It fell of here and they redid it here
And you know there's hmm..
More to see here than just the Beatles stuff
Oh yeah? Yeah
There is the uh, International Slavery Museum
Oh,
What an uplifting afternoon that should be
-Did you know that it was in Liverpool that scientists first
discovered that malaria was spread by mosquitoes?
-That's just fascinating, Jeff.
Let's put that on the welcome signs.
[Laughter]
That'll bring in the tourists.
Come to Liverpool!
We have Beatles and mosquitoes!
And one of them carries a deadly disease!
Find out which one!
Ringo?
After touring the Beatles museum in Liverpool
This morning we took a long drive
And we have now reached the
Border between England and Scotland And here it is right here..
We'll be in Scotland in twenty minutes
How the hell did this happen?
I mean I'm on the other side of the planet
And people know who I am
And they are laughing at my jokes
Who'd think that, that dumb little terrorist
would have brought things this far
-I know a little fact.
Did you know that people in Scotland
buy 40 bottles of whiskey every second?
This is my favourite country ever.
Do they NASCAR in the uk?
-In the what?
-In the uk?
-The-- oh, UK.
-Oh..
you can spell.
-But Glasgow is, uh-- you told me it was confusing for you?
-Yeah, it is.
-Why?
-Yesterday at lunch my waitress asked me
if I wanted some tatties and neeps.
[Laughter]
When I said yes, instead of taking off her top,
she brought me food.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
It was the worst strip club I'd ever been to.
Tatties and neeps are served with haggis.
Well, she didn't show me that either.
But next week we are in Australia
So that's when I see Down Under.
Did you know that golf was invented in Scotland?
Fascinating
You know what else was invented here?
What? Being in public and yelling, Shit..
Wait, we might use that on a DvD
And they are not gonna let us say shit.
Take two.. Yeah..
You wanna do do the joke again?
Yeah what the hell, why not
It's good joke. They laughed I don't know...
I can do that. All right here we go..
Take two assholes
You talking about the..you know..
The way they speak?
Ok now look we are in their country yeah?
They speak normally
I know some Scottish..
Really? oh yeah, I learned it OK ready I watched the videos
It's like this..
I Can't do it captain
How about the Lockness Monster? How is that?
Well, Do you believe in a
mysterious creature that lives in the murky depths and
Breathes fire?
Believe in it, I married its sister.
A lot of famous actors are Scottish
Like who?
Sean Connery, Ewin McGrager, Gerarld Butler
What about Benedict Cumberbatch?
No no.. He is a famous actor but he is British
I know, I just like saying Cumberbatch
Hey babe, I'll show you my benedict
If you show me your cumberbatch
We've been talking about Scotland a bit.
Oh yes?
-I read the other day that Scotland is actually the-- I've
saved this fact for you-- the murder capital of Europe.
[gasp]
-I didn't do it!
I have nothing to do with this shit!
Did you know that bagpipes have existed
in Scotland since the 14th century?
-Oh!
That is probably about the time the murder rate went up.
[bagpipe noises]
Ha ha ha ha
Did you know that I think my mother was part Scottish?
-Yeah?
Why do you say that?
-Sometimes she'd want to put me in Scottish clothing?
-Really?
-Sure, she'd say I kilt you.
[Laughter]
Kilt?
Get it?
Kilt?
I kilt you.
[Applause]
Jackie Dawson, Jackie where are you?
Here (Male)
Jackie lay off the testosterone
You sound like a fucking guy
You scared the shit out of everyone around you
Where is Jackie? (Female Voice) I'm here (Male Voice)
This is why in my country we
Cover our women
Where are you? Mm Mm Marie?
Right I can't roll my arms
Don't worry I got it. OK.
Last name Christie, Is she here? Up there
With the guy that sounds like a chick.
She says: Dear Achmed I have a problem with strange people touching me.
I would love to tell them
I will Keel them
But that can come across as rude
Any other suggestions?
Put your clothes back on
And get off the pole
Dear Achmed can you please wish
Lisa Lamont a Happy Birthday?
Hay Hay, NO
OK OK Lisa happy freaking birthday, Yay
How old are you?
What? What the hell did she say?
How Old?
Oh, yeah OK she is 30th thirty
I gotta practice. Thirty
I'm thirty you dumb fool
A Scottish Dead Terrorist?
That is something I can work on lad
So in middle of the trip we come to Abu Dhabi
What have we been looking forward to?
Riding Camels
So we got in the car this morning
to come out here and ride the camels
Why not? You have to
But what are the odds
As we were coming here in the car we
Picked up the newspaper
And the front headline says:
"Avoid close contact with camels Say the Vet experts"
Why? Because there is a new virus going around
That people can catch and one third of the people die
Skip the camels
My question is when you sign a little thing
on airplane: "Have you been to any farms?"
Nope. Have not. been to no farms
-By the time I was done, I was 104 degrees out,
and I was sweating like a pig.
And..
what happened?
What?
Wait a minute-- oh I can't say pig?
What?
I don't what to say.
I don't-- forget it.
Just-- I don't know anything.
What the ... are they talking about?
You.. you ,sir No one else talk
What are they saying?
And please use an accent I can understand
Don't say pig?
Is that it?
OK, I was sweating like a goat.
[Laughter]
All right.
-Holy crap.
You're not gonna, erm--
-What are you trying to say?
-You're not-- [mumbling].
No Achmed.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Can you not fucking see out there?
-I will talk to Achmed about this later.
-No, no, no.
Can I, uh, get in the box and get the fuck out first?
[Laughter]
[Applause]
It's not a good idea.
We're not in Israel.
-I know.
Walter, Are you enjoying Abu Dhabi?
Oh yeah Oh yeah.yeah.. ye...
Its a first Arab nation we ever played Right? Yeah
All I can say is we may live in Hollywood
But don't worry we are not Jews
You are welcome. All right.
But have you been enjoying the sights around town?
-Oh, yeah sure.
Amazing.
Gorgeous buildings.
-Gorgeous buildings.
-Yeah.
-Amazing structures.
Fantastic hotels.
Been looking forward to this a lot, and here we are
In a tent.
-Yeah, they know how to treat the infidels, don't they?
[Laughter]
[Applause]
A frickin tent.
-It's a nice--
-Yeah, a nice tent.
Yay.
It's a frickin circus tent.
[Laughter]
All we're missing is the midget and music.
Here's Jeff and Walter.
[Laughter]
This sucks.
-It's a fine facility.
-OK, all right.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess we're actually safe though.
-How's that?
-What moron would bomb a tent?
What do you do?
What do you-- cause $20 worth of damage?
-I don't know who owns this, but if it's one guy,
he might be here tonight.
-Oh good, he's gonna go home to his palace,
and here we are in fucking tent.
-All right!
Did you know that over 70%
Of Abu Dhabi is desert?
Again my wife will fit right in How is that?
She is also dried out
And hostile to all forms of life
That's not nice..
-So Bubba J, do you know where we are exactly?
-Oh, no. Sure don't.. No I don't..
-Abu Dhabi.
-What?
-Abu Dhabi.
-You're drunk.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Really?
-Yeah.
-Say that again.
-Abu Dhabi.
-I thought that's what Fred Flintstone
says when he's excited.
[Laughter]
-No, that's yabba dabba do.
-It's pretty close.
Abu Dhabi do!
[Laughter]
That's nice..
How do I look?
You look good. OK. OK. All right Now explain tha...
-Wait, wait!
Can't go... Come back! Come back!
Come back!
You're the one of the guys I really want to love me.
Is it the red cape? is it?...
Something wrong with that?
Did I say ham?
[Laughter]
Oh my god, your name is offensive!
Dun-ham!
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Is he coming back?
Did he have to go potty?
Do you pick it up or pull it down?
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Or is there a little flap?
I have no idea we are offending any body
Just Stop!!!
I don't care. I go home in a suit case
You are right I better watch or
You could be going home in a box too
Oh yeah..
You are back..
I was so worried I thought I have said
Something to offend you and you have said:
"Ha enough of here . Goodbye"
A thing or some fucking shoe is
Gonna come flying up here and..
Oh, that'd be good cos then I'd have
The other one
Greetings, Abu Dhabi infi-- I mean..
Folks..
[Laughter]
Silence, I kill you!
[Laughter]
[Applause]
What the hell?
What-- I threaten to kill them, they all go yay.
-I think some of them actually like you here.
-Really?
[Applause]
You know, since being here, I've been starting
to rethink the whole suicide bomber thing.
-How's that?
-I blew myself to get a new place and a few virgins,
meanwhile eight guys in the front row
here have five mansions each,
a bunch of hot wives,
and their own skin.
I had no idea these options were available.
I love you guys. Good Night.
-Welcome to Israel!
We are in the heart of the old city
Of Jerusalem
Where Christian, Jews and Muslims
All live together
But no matter what the differences
They all seem to agree on one thing
Satellite TV
[shouts]
[Applause]
-Where the hell are we?
[Laughter]
[Applause]
I forgot, yeah, we're here.
OK, well, uh, uh, um,
Shalom.
[Applause]
You know why they call this the holy land?
Of course, Yeah.. Not far from here
Is the birthplace of Soda Stream
I'm surprised at how many of men here have facial hair.
Well, that's true.
-Yeah, we went to the market today,
and it took me 10 minutes to pick my wife out of the crowd.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
I'm at the Caramel Market in Tel Aviv Israel
One of the most famous markets in the entire world
You are supposed to buy stuff here
But you are supposed to negotiate and haggle
I'm horrible at that
What if I give you ten? No..
How about ten shackles? Na.. No No
Could I have gotten it for 30?
Uh.. You could have
15? No No.
All right You told me it was 28
But now that it is open how about ten?
I told you just for you, Cos its the Wednesday
I'll give it to you for 32.
See, I suck at this..
A guy asked me today if I was Jewish
What did you say?
I said whaa.. I don't know.
Then what happened?
He asked me if I was circumscribed?
Circumcised. He asked you if you were circumcised
ay ay.. OK. All right
It's the act of circumcision
Ah.. Well, I have a television..
Do you know what circumcision is?
I don't know.. what is circumcision..
Please put me back in the suit case
-So Achmed, we've been going all over the place.
-We have.
-You know where we are?
-Well, we have going so many places I have lost track.
And, uh, we-- uh.
What's with all the Jews?
-We're in Israel.
-That's so funny.
Yeah, OK.
Israel.
Yeah, that's really funny. we are..
What?
-We're in Tel Aviv.
[whimper]
-As in Israeli Army?
[Laughter]
Holy crap.
Well, I'm already dead.
What the hell?
[Applause]
-Achmed, trust me.
You'll be fine.
We're guests.
-So they are friendly Jews?
-Absolutely.
-Do they bite?
[Laughter]
Can I play with one?
[Laughter]
I actually studied about Israel before we got here.
-Really?
-Yes.
This is where the letter [guttural noise] comes from.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
A-C-phlegm.
You guys know this stuff.
[Applause]
Why do these folks cheer for me?
Oh, I get it.
You like nothing better than a dead terrorist.
[Applause]
I heard folks say that Jews run the banks.
Well, I say good.
The Palestinians only have the West Bank,
and that hasn't gone so well.
[Applause]
Can I talk to a guy in the front row first?
Sure
Yes, What is your name infidel?
What? Homel
Homer?
Like Simpson?
[Mimicking Homer Simpson]
OK. You said Homel
OK Good Ho Mel.
Homel what do you do for living?
Electronics
Electronics, Oh I like you..
So what do you do with electronics Homel?
I buy them
Oh you buy them.
Do you eventually sell them?
Is this your girlfriend your wife what?
His mother in law
Oh Mother In Law
That's a sad date you have Homel
Dear Achmed, can you whistle the Hava Nagila?
[Laughter]
[whistles hava nagila]
[Applause]
[continues hava nagila]
-You guys have been awesome!
Thanks for coming out!
Have you learned anything interesting
From visiting our country and
Do you use any of these bits in your comedy shows?
We did the thing called "Walking With The Lions"
We went out there and actually
Full grown lions, we are actually walking with them.
While the guy that works there
Throws them pieces of chicken to keep them busy
And if he runs out of chicken You are screwed.
[Applause]
-What do you think of South Africa so far?
-Honestly?
-Yeah.
-Not what I thought it would be.
-How's that?
-Look out there.
We're in Africa, right?
Lot of white folks out there.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
-It is South Africa.
-OK.
But it's the continent of Africa.
Well this is not what I remember from the Tarzan movies.
What is your first name?
David?
And guys named David and Warren.
I don't think those are African names.
[Laughter]
I was expecting like [click click whistle].
[Laughter]
Hey David what do you do for living?
Signage?
What do you mean signage? You put up signs?
That's exciting David
Like, STOP.
Shit there's been an accident here?
Well, where is the fuckin sign? David..
You not the asshole putting all the
Political signs around town? Are ya?
This is the guy. Right here
Did you know the one of biggest problems
Of South Africa is poaching of rhinos
Oh, Yes, I have heard this
It is mainly for the rhino horn
That's right.. Yes
Did you know that you really don't get
in trouble here if you kill a poacher?
Really? Right.
So you can kill poachers?
You can hunt them
That's right
Well, that's what I have heard.
OK. But it'll be weird having a trophy
On your wall of a stuffed guy
Named Gary.
-You know, Bubba J, Jo'burg is a lively city.
-Oh yeah, unless you get shot.
-Did you know that South Africa has
the largest brewery in the world?
[gasp]
[Applause]
-The largest brewery?
I'm going to write a letter.
My dearest wife,
For reasons you will of course understand,
I am never coming home.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
So after you become a citizen of the South Africa,
how long does it take for your skin to turn black?
[Laughter]
These guys are early on too, I think.
[Applause]
Okatol is a place you can see lions
Scary Lions, Bad ass Lions Very Very close up..
So I'm sitting amongst ten lion cubs
That are just on the verge of
Being unbelievably dangerous
And I been told not to bother them
While they are eating or they will
Turn me into part of the meal
You need to come in here
I'm Good.
Na Come on. Trust me it's fine.
So I hand Rothpan a lion
I literally thought that guy was gonna pass out
I mean he has never held anything
in his hand except maybe
A sandwich and now he has an unhappy lion.
There you go. let me try and kiss you. It's fantastic
This is very.. relaxing.. Fine.. You doing well
You are good. You are obviously good with cats. Yeah..
Very Nice.. that's good all right
I know you went on a uh..
Sight seeing bus tour today. Yes I did.
Six hour bus ride.
What did you see?
One block..
They say JoBerg is known best for its
Cultural diversity. No it's not..
It's the fuckin traffic.
Maybe traffic would moved around better
If they put up the right signs..
-All right, you guys have just been great.
What a crowd.
Thank you so much.
All right, let's turn up the lights real quick.
Can we do the house lights?
Let's do this real quick?
Let's see what this is gonna look like?
Oh yeah, this'll be great.
Hold on, let me get Achmed.
Hold on a second.
Can you do it sideways?
Is that good?
This way.
-You dumbass idiot, Jeff.
-Have you seen the size of the bugs in this country?
[Laughter]
-Yeah, there's some big ones.
-There was a beetle in our hotel room,
and my wife wanted me to step on it?
-What did you do?
-Nothing.
The damn thing grabbed my wife's poodle and flew out the window.
[Laughter]
I love this country.
[Mimicking Puppy's Cry]
Bye.. hah hah hah..
I thought that Irish can throw back a few
But you guys are the drinking champions of the world..
I'm surprised you don't have dead sharks with alcohol poisoning
After eating your surfers..
Did you know that even though Australia
Had a bit influx of criminals they now
have you know.. only..
I don't know.. one fifth as many
Murders as we do in the US.
Oh yeah?
Does that surprise you?
It doesn't you? No
You know how much practice it takes to kill somebody
With the fricking Boomerang
It's like a thousand to one
I know my wife tried..
That poodle flew out the window
And she is like you son of a bitch
What the f.. what the.. Oh
By the way, Are we getting paid for this gig?
It's not that aborigine border crap. Is it?
What? we are not gonna get like a
Bag full of Kuala poop or something like that. Are we?
Some feathers and a long ass horn that plays one note
Thank you for coming
Shut the fuck up..
-So what are the differences you've
found between Australia and the United States?
-Well, I think down here my marriage goes down
the toilet in the other direction.
So Buba J, Have you enjoyed Australia so far?
Well, Someone told me that tomorrow
We are gonna go to the Oprah's house
You mean, The Sydney Opera House?
Yeah that's it..
It's not Oprah it's Opera
well, Like you said they talk different here
So, what are the Austrians do for fun down here?
Australians.. yeah them too
You know in a couple days we will be heading to New Zealand
Oww. Yeah. I have heard that they have
More sheep than humans there..
Then I guess the country's slogan should be:
"New Zealand where baaha means No"
You met any bogens?
What the hell is a bogen?
A bogen is what they call someone who
Unsophisticated, Uneducated or not a lot of class
Ow.. Yes I have.. Who?
Jeff faa faa
What have you learned about this country?
Ah.. I know the Aussies like to party
I understand there are pretty much no
Virgins left here
Except for maybe that guy, right there
Just guessing.
-Dear Achmed, my dream was to see you and Jeff.
I've been waiting for seven long years,
so because I've been waiting so long, could I please
have a picture with both of you.
Thanks, Joanne.
Joanne, where are you?
Right there?
-Hehe, no.
[Laughter]
Come on, that's fine. Come up here.
-OK, where's your camera?
-Um, my friend has it.
-Well, that doesn't fucking help.
[Laughter]
-OK, well take a picture of the screen.
[Laughter]
-Smile.
Stop looking at me and rubbing your tits on my back.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Because it's not my back.
It's his hand.
[Laughter]
-Thank you.
-Actually do it again.
-No!
[Laughter]
-I got your back. All right..
And her front.
-I got it.
All right Terribly sorry.
-Your wife is backstage. [Laughter]
-I know.
-He took a feel with his knuckles.
-No, I didn't!
-Fun coming up here, isn't it?
[Laughter]
-You can get closer.
Just stand right next to Achmed.
-And don't rub your hoo hooters.
Do not rub your hooters on my scapula.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
I took a peek.
-I know.
-I see for you.
-Stop it.
OK, ready?
We'll smile, whoever is taking the picture.
So Walter, what do you think of Singapore so far?
-Uh, it's pretty crowded here.
-Oh yeah, that's true.
It's actually the second most densely
populated country in the world.
-Oh.
Well, don't flatter yourself.
All these folks aren't here to see you.
There was just no room for them outside.
We came all the way from Hollywood
California to be here
And did you now what the first place our
Tour guide recommended for us to visit?
Universal Freakin Studios
I was like we have that dumbass
-What do you like about Singapore so far?
Well, they have some tough laws.
-Oh, you heard about that?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
-Did you know you can get fined or caned
for not flushing a toilet after using it?
[Laughter]
-And who the hell checks up on that?
[Laughter]
What, do you got the shit police?
[Laughter]
It's the SSP, the Singapore shit police.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
I am not kidding.
How the hell do they know?
[sniff sniff]
Ah, that guy.
[Laughter]
Is it a random check?
Or do they patrol the potties?
Shit duty.
Fred, you investigating that murder today?
No, I have a tip that we have a serial non-flusher.
[Laughter]
Did you know Singapore's Airport is
Considered to be nicest in the world?
Oh really?
The nicest airport in the world? That's right.. Yeah
Do they have many other things
That they say are nicest in the world?
I.. ab.. I'm not sure..
So when you drive away from Singapore Airport
It's all downhill after that?
No..
I found out that every male in Singapore
who is over 18 has been trained on
How to use a gun
Oh.. In other words
You better be funny asshole
-I heard you say earlier that in Singapore if you break
certain laws they beat you with a stick.
Well, maybe while they're here, Jose
Can pick up a little extra work.
[Laughter]
-So this has been a fun tour around the--
where everywhere-- everywhere we went.
I love Singapore.
It's my favourite European city.
[Laughter]
Do you know they have save water
campaign here in Singapore?
-Oh, well I know.
So today I drank 18 beers instead.
[Laughter]
You're welcome.
So what's different here than where we live?
-Well, I think religiously there a lot more Buddhists here.
-Buddhists?
They all wear boots?
So what do they do?
-Well, for one they believe in reincarnation.
-Re-incarceration?
[Laughter]
You get out and suddenly you're right back in.
[Laughter]
-No, reincarnation.
That you can have entire past lives you don't even remember.
That happened to me yesterday.
[Laughter]
What's your name?
What?
I'm sorry, Say it again slower and louder
Raniel
I think I broke my tongue
Is there an American version of that name?
Like, Ralph.
Let's try one more time.
Say it again. You watch closely, cos its not me fuckin up
OK. Say it again. Raniel
Rin yal?
Ranyal..
Oh, So sorry..
So, Rinyal
Shut up.
What's your job?
I'm in Telecom Telecom? Yeah
Oh, you are the guy (Indian accent) "Can I help you with your problem?"
So, Rinyal what do you..
Going down hill isn't it? Yeah..
So you are on the phone going
What's wrong with you phone
I can fuck you up even more.
Don't tell anyone I'm trying to get
Porn. Can you help me?
[whip] Ah, Never mind
I just got caned.. I know
You need to make a new Singapore dummy
mm, What is it?
I want it to be the caning Singapore dummy
So that way when you say stupid stuff
It goes [whip sound] across your legs
And you go ahh ohhh
And then when you fall down
Rinyal goes: "Hello can I help you?"
You know Singapore is one of the only country
Around here that recognizes Israel.
What the hell does that mean?
How could you not recognize it?
It's like eyy..
What that country with all that Jews over there?
I have no idea, I don't recognize it.
Do do the other countries see Israel at
A party they are like, "No..
I don't think we have met.."
And where is Buba J's friend uhuhuhuh
Can you help me call uhruhrh?
-We had a great show in Singapore, we're packing up,
and Marnel, my tour manager comes in to deliver some news.
And he's sweating.
-Hey, what's up?
-Come in.
-I've got some information on Malaysia.
They're reviewing several options,
And option A is not going to be--
-Option A meaning I can't use Achmed.
-It hasn't been defined by the cultural-- what is it?
The Cultural sensitivity.
-Hold it.
You're saying that these guys-- who are these guys?
-It's actually one of their religious leaders
that they had to fly to another city to meet with them.
-I'm telling you I am the lamb going to slaughter.
So they'll start booing, and they're
not going to be booing me.
They're going to be booing the fact that this is happening.
-They're probably aware a lot of this stuff.
They're probably used to restrictions.
-No, they're not.
-They're probably used to living with [inaudible].
-We are promoting the show with Achmed on the poster.
It's gonna be a challenge because
Obviously, I have to..
Leave out, Any references to anything
even remotely, relating to religion.
I can't even say the word virgin
I can't even say the name Achmed
I mean I could, Of course i could but
I wanna go home. I don't wanna stay here and get caned.
Well, the main concern for the Malaysian government
is that an artist is suitable for the Malaysian culture.
Achmed is a little bit sensitive to the Malaysian public.
We need to be careful about what we put on stage.
The final ruling is that Achmed the dead terrorist
is not allowed on stage.
Have you learnt anything constructive
About Malaysia since we been here?
I did learn on the radio
You can not talk about politics religion or sex.
That's right. Well, there goes most of our show
Did you know that Malaysia has been
Independent now for 47 years..
Fascinating.
And the coincidence.. What's that?
I lost my independency when I
got married 47 years ago
Guess what?
We don't talk about politics
I lost my religion and there is no sex
So I'm in the middle of my show
I look towards the sides of room and
There is military guys with rifles
And they don't look happy
Please don't get me into the trouble
I don't care
Keep looking around
You are surrounded
Please let me change the subject..
OH KAY..
I like being here.. OK.
That's good cos you might be here
A long time.
What is your first name? Sean . Sean
Is that with the 'ean' or 'H'? 'ean'
Oh, 'ean, So its actually Seen. No..
Is this your wife, your girlfriend
Or another investment chic. Who is this?
What? Mom. Oh, your mom.
Holy shit
So Sean where is your girlfriend?
At Home At.. at home?
What the hell dude?
Is it cos your mom paid for the ticket?
Why'd you bring your mom and not your sister?
uh. uh.. Your girlf.. What the fuck.
Hey, Maybe it's a same thing
You can be honest. Is your you..
your girlfriend doesn't care about us? Is that it?
She got exams
Oh, she she, In the middle of final exams?
And you just don't care.
You gonna tell your professor:
"But Sir, I was at a puppet show."
"With my mom"
Sean what is your girlfriend studying?
Management.
Management?
Better look out,
You gonna get the finance things
She just gonna fuckin tell you what to do
-After we booked this show, we were contacted
by the Malaysian ministry of arts, and history,
Boo And culture
And they asked me very nicely and sternly
to not bring a certain character to the show tonight.
[booing]
They even said please do not even mention his name,
but I know that you people are here because you've seen stuff
On YouTube and you're expecting to see a certain someone.
Yeah!!! [Applause]
However, I want to respect the request because I am a guest
here, but at the same time you paid your money
to see what you thought you were gonna see.
That certain person is not here.
However,
his brother..
[Applause]
--is here.
He is from France.
[Laughter]
Please help me welcome Jacques, the French terrorist.
[Applause]
-Bonjour American pig.
[Laughter]
-So you are French?
-Oui, oui.
C'est Francais.
-Uh-huh.
And your name is Jacques?
-Oui.
Je m'appelle Jacques.
[Laughter]
-And what is your last name?
Merde
[Laughter]
-What are they laughing at?
My name is Jacques Merde.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
I do not understand what they are laughing at.
[Laughter]
-I think Merde is translated into, uh--
-I am Jacques Shit.
[Laughter]
-Well, despite your name, you seem like a nice guy.
-You don't know Jacques Shit.
Wait, that is not funny!
[Laughter]
-They're laughing.
-I kill you!
[Applause]
-So you're happy to be here?
-No.
-Why is that?
-Where are we exactly?
Do not spit on my face, you ugly American.
Where are we exactly?
-Kuala Lumpur.
-Oh, oui.
Kuala Lumpur.
Malaysia.
The weather here is bullshit.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Where I am from the weather is up.
Morning is up.
Afternoon and evening is up.
-I don't think the weather in France is always hot.
-Eh, eh, eh, eh.
Do not question, Jacques.
It's not always hot in France?
-No.
Fuck. OK.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Let's just say for the sake of the joke,
France is always hot, hot, hot,
hot, hot, like a desert up.
[Laughter]
Yes, you didn't know that before?
Yes There are pyramids, sand.
[Laughter]
Silence
What was that? I know French
So, explain what you do for a living?
I am a France terrorist
A French terrorist? Oui, Oui
So, you strongly agree?
No, I have to go. Wee Wee
It's not funny
Silence.
I thought French was known
As the language of love. Oui, Oui
I love to blow up shit
-Let me get something straight.
You're the brother of the other guy
who was supposed to be here.
-Do not say his name, or we are both in giant trouble.
[Laughter]
Those guys are here.
-Dear Achmed, what is your favourite Malaysian food?
[audience gasps]
-It has been nice knowing you.
[Applause]
Kumbaya--
[Laughter]
-Dear terrorist--
-That's not what you said the first time.
[Laughter]
When the show is done, run.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
-Someone named Spring.
Dear terrorist, if you were given
the chance again to be human, would you?
[gasp]
-I am not human?
-Not any more.
-No?
-Do you know what that makes you?
-A politician?
[Laughter]
[Applause]
But the ministry is a lovely group of people.
[Laughter]
-You guys have been just awesome.
Thanks KL.
We'll see you.
Good night!
So we've been all over the globe and I wanted
to end this special in the place that's most important to me.
How could we not?
It's not a fancy stage.
In fact, a lot of the audience is sitting in the mud.
It's bee raining.
They're sitting in the grass.
But here we are in the land of the free
and the home of the brave.
Here we are at Joint Base Pearl Harbor-Hickam.
Subtitles by: Exclusive pappu.innocent@gmail.com