- The tropical places, you know, that's the go-to,
get your white sands and your blue water,
and your fuckin' guava trees and whatever,
and it makes a beautiful postcard, but I burn.
And I can't, you know, it's just not,
it's not relaxing to me if I got my Mai tai
and my pina-umbrella-whatever thing,
and I forget to put on my SPF infinity,
sweater in a bottle, and then the next day,
I can't wipe my own ass without discomfort,
exceptional discomfort.
And then, I gotta stay outta the sun
and deal with all that bullshit,
and what's the point of being in the tropics
if you gotta act like some fuckin' nerd on summer break
reading a hobbit book in his bedroom.
So a more temperate climate,
that's what I'm lookin' for from this,
from a getaway standpoint.
What about you?
- It'd be nice to meet somebody.
- What? You know, just somebody new, get unstuck.
- That's kind of a lot to pin on a,
I'm just sayin', I was talking about a more temperate climate and you're talkin' about
some measure of human emotion, one of which,
by the way, you can find on a map.
- We're just talking here, right?
- Sure. Well, you're goin' off like we just pulled
some master diamond heist.
- I'm just saying eventually...
- haven't even found a place...
- we are looking, right?
There's the check cashing place we talked about.
Mm, that's a rough crowd,
something goes wrong, it goes all the way wrong.
The flower shop...
No, she's nice, and I met her daughter that one time,
so that makes it really...
- you shouldn't have been shopping there.
- I was casing the joint!
- You could've cased the fuckin' Louvre
for the amount of time you spent there!
- She has nice eyes and she found her passion in flowers,
and I don't wanna rob her!
Some people have no idea what they wanna do
with their lives and she...
- fine, fine, I get it!
- Besides, I found the place.
- I found the flower shop.
- No, I mean, the place.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, it's perfect.
Unexpected.
- Is it this place?
- What?
- Oh, man, yeah, this is like Pulp Fiction!
- What shitty part of Pulp Fiction
would this possibly be like?
- You know, the opening part with, uh,
honey bunny and pumpkin and, uh,
"any of you fucking pricks move,
"I'm gonna execute every motherfuckin' last one of ya!"
- Shh, Jesus!
- Yeah, yeah, I'm into it, let's do it!
- What are we gonna rob the diner with,
our fuckin' coffee spoons?
We should at least order the steak and eggs first so we have knives!
- You guys ready to order?
- Yeah, I'll have the, uh, steak and eggs.
- What is the finest item on your menu?
- Ooh, uh, my favorite is the chocolate chip pancakes.
Super tasty.
- Eh.
- You don't like pancakes?
- No, it's just, uh,
that's my ex-fiancee's favorite, so,
kind of a loaded menu option for me.
Um, the Denver omelet, thanks.
- Wow.
- What, I don't want chocolate chip pancakes, so what?
It's breakfast, not dessert.
- Perfect, say that.
- Do you wanna hear about the place or do you wanna be my fuckin' life coach?
It's a house, I know how to get in.
I know there's valuable jewelry,
and I know that they're gone all week.
- Which week?
- This week, now.
- Holy shit, this is real, this is really real!
- There is one part, um, it's in a gated community,
so there's a guard and a gate
and a fence around the whole thing, so.
I know how to get in the house,
I just don't know how to get to the house.
- Well, I do.
We'd like to order a pizza, please.
- For here or to go?
- For delivery.
- We're here.
- And that's how you do it.
This is for you, my good man.
- Dude!
- You get the other half when you pick us up.
- Ah, this is bullshit!
At least pay for the pizza, man!
This is all the way the hell out here,
how am I gonna account for this on the books?
- Fine!
Now, remember, this address,
plus a sausage, mushroom, and anchovy pizza.
That's the code to come pick us up.
- Yeah, the address is fine.
I mean, no one's gonna come... whoa, whoa, let's not get our signals crossed here, ok?
Just stick to the plan.
- Whatever!
- Whoa, hey, whoa.
You know, since we paid for it.
- What if there's no hide-a-rock?
- There is!
- How do you know?
- Because I know, we wouldn't be here
if there wasn't a hide-a-rock.
- Then why haven't you found it?
- Because it looks like a fuckin' rock!
That's the beauty of its design!
- I've got no bars, why would you pay all this money
to live up in a place with no bars?
I have to call the pizza guy from inside, I guess.
That'll actually make it seem more legit.
Yeah, the caller ID shows this address, the guy picks us up.
Nothin' funny about that, nothin' to pin it to us.
It's almost too perfect.
Leo?
- Yeah? I was saying we have to call the pizza guy from...
- I heard you.
Hear that?
What was that?
- Don't move.
It's an alarm.
- Shit, I didn't know about the alarm.
- It's ok, just there might be motion detectors.
- Like lasers?
- Maybe, or infrared.
You know, everything gives off infrared heat, even ice?
- That's fucking fascinating,
do you know what you're doing there?
- Yeah, getting it.
- What does that mean, you're getting it?
- I've established a pattern,
and I'm working within the confines of that pattern
to decipher the, oh!
- Incorrect, system armed!
- Armed, you just armed it?
So now we have to break out of the house we just broke into?
- I mean, if anything, it proves that the pattern was right.
I just went in the wrong direction with it, right?
If I reverse...
- no, don't touch it!
It's fuckin' armed!
- I know, I'm going to unarm it!
- No, you're not, you're gonna set it off,
and then the guard's gonna be here in six seconds,
cops are gonna be right behind him,
and then we're gonna be stuck here with nowhere to go
because we're in the middle
of a giant gated, fenced-in cage!
- Ok, yeah, it's not ideal,
but it's not a problem.
There's a code and it's written down
somewhere in this house,
maybe on their computer, in an email
from the security company or somethin' like that.
We just take our time, find the code while we rob the place,
and then skedaddle, clean and easy.
- What about the motion detectors?
- No motion detectors.
Good find!
- Huh?
- This place is swanky!
- It's ok.
- Ok, look at this!
- What is it?
- This is art, they have art hanging on the walls.
That's some ritzy people shit!
We're gonna score huge on this job.
- Uh, what are you doing?
- Stealing this, it looks expensive.
- We're not gonna steal a bowl.
We need small things that we can fit in our bags.
- Or in a pizza box, right?
We could put a painting in here.
Let's eat this fast so the box doesn't get all sweaty.
Here.
- What the fuck?
- What?
- You just ruined that rug, look at that!
Show some respect!
- We are robbing this place.
- We don't have to rub their faces in it!
I mean, shit!
That's a nice rug!
- Ok, I-i don't know, I'm sorry?
I don't know what's going on right now.
Yeah, it's ruined.
Bingo!
- What? Office, where would you keep a code?
- I don't know, I don't have an office.
- Computer!
Oh, maybe it's in a drawer or something.
- Hey, why don't we just go out the window.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Sensor, my sister has one of these get ups at her house.
Try to smoke a little weed at the end
of a stressful day with the family,
suddenly, the whole damn neighborhood's awake
and they have questions about your life's decisions.
Oh!
- Where are you going?
11:11. No, come on, we have to find the.
- Hand me that phone.
- You can't just skip this one?
- It takes a minute.
It's 11:11,
time for the impossible question!
You guys know the deal, but it's fun to say it!
$104,800, that's what we're up to,
it's been 524 days since a good soul has won.
Twice a day, every day at 11:11,
we pose the impossible question!
The generous folks at black bear markets
add another hundred dollars to the kitty.
Ya call with a correct answer
within 22 seconds, and you win it all!
It would be so simple
if it weren't impossible!
- So phone's ready.
- Here it comes. - What the fuck?
- Shh!
What were the last words
of the first man to commit suicide
by jumping off the golden gate bridge?
- Come on, that's just!
- Oh, wait, you don't wanna hear the answer?
- Some asshole is gonna win,
and then the next day, I'm gonna know the answer,
and then only win a hundred damn dollars!
I believe I'd take to a clock tower.
- Wonder how cold that water is.
- Huh?
- Those would be cool last words.
You say, "I wonder how cold that water is," and then.
- Come on, let's rob this place.
Who the fuck is that?
- I don't know.
- You said no one was here!
- She's not the person who lives here.
- How do you know?
- Because I did my research.
- Then why wasn't she in your research?
- She doesn't live here!
- Well who the fuck is that!
- I don't know!
- Fuck!
- We gotta cut bait, just get out of here.
- Out of where? Out of the house, just go, problem solved.
- We can't, the alarm.
Ah, we take a chair,
and we shove it under the doorknob.
- And then what?
- She's stuck!
- So she'll call for help.
- Like on the phone or out the window?
- W-what does that matter?
- Uh, ok.
Ha, hmm, we have to tie her up.
- What?
- Look, we need time!
We don't have time if she finds us.
If she wakes up, she's going to find us.
So, we have to tie her up.
Here we go!
Yeah, ok, we'll use that.
- What about our faces, she can't see our faces.
Ok, we wrap her in the sheet
and just tape the shit out of her.
- Why are we wrapping her in the sheet?
- This is duct tape, man.
- So? So it's gonna rip her fuckin' skin off!
We're burglars, not assholes.
- Fine, you go high, I go low.
- Sorry!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Sorry, sorry!
- Shut up!
- Help!
- It's ok, we're just taping you!
- Help! Shut up, no one can hear you!
- Don't be a dick about it,
but he's right, no one can hear you.
You good?
- Yeah.
- What the hell?
- Dah, my leg!
- What? You taped my left, cut me loose.
- Ok.
Will you hold still?
- I'm not doing anything, he's...
- I'm trying to kick free!
- You can't kick free, I have to cut,
ha-ha!
- Don't hurt me, don't hurt me!
- Wh, oh, we're not gonna hurt you,
we're just gonna steal some stuff
and then we're gonna, oh shit!
- What? - My mask!
- I told you not to hog the saran wrap!
- I didn't see anything.
- Look at yours, still on!
- I didn't hog it,
it, there just wasn't enough to go around my...
- bullshit, you were wrapping your head
like you were shippin' it overseas!
- I didn't see your face, just take whatever you want.
I don't care, I'm, I'm just the house sitter.
- Yes, you did see my face, you were looking right at me!
- I don't remember, just vaguely Chinese, that's all.
- Chinese?
- Dude!
- Turn around, Doug!
- Whatever you're looking for, it's all in a secret hiding spot, I know that.
All the valuables, a computer, uh, I don't, just everything.
- Where?
- I don't know, I just heard them talking.
- Ok, you stay here, let's go.
- We should put her back in the bed.
- I'm fine.
- She's fine!
- No, come on, it's,
we might be a while.
- Really, I'm fine.
- What's your name?
- Darcy.
- Darcy, there's really no reason
for you to be uncomfortable.
Come on.
- Jesus Christ!
- Good?
- Yeah.
- Shout if you need anything.
- But be fuckin' quiet about it.
What are you the concierge?
- She saw my face, she can identify me,
so I want her to feel as good as she possibly can
about this whole experience.
W-why are you calling me by my middle name in there?
You know how much I hate that.
- What are you talking about?
- You called me Doug!
- I didn't know that was your middle name.
- Yes, you did.
I told you that, wait.
- Ok, now that I look at it, I may have over-applied.
- So, we have a hostage now.
- Yeah, I know, it is not ideal, her being here.
- No, it's not ideal.
- No, it is a problem,
but she solves our two other problems.
- How?
- She knows the code.
- That's true. And we know all the great stuff is in a secret hiding spot
we wouldn't be looking for otherwise.
So, all we have to do is find the spot,
steal the stuff, get the code, and order our pizza.
- We can do that.
- Hell, yes, we can do that.
- What are you doing?
- There could be one of those Scooby-doo deals,
where the little thing, you know.
This is too much stuff!
- Let's start over here.
- Why in the hell would someone
keep a box of blankets in the garage?
What's the practical use in that?
You're in bed, you're cold,
you come out to the even colder garage to get a blanket?
- Eh, I don't know. I know you don't know, because you wouldn't do that,
because it's a stupid thing to do!
That's the one percent in action right there!
This is why our country's in the shitter!
Hey, now!
If that's not a secret hidin' spot!
- Oh, it's locked.
- Exactly, because there's valuable stuff in here.
- Hey, whoa, no!
- What? You're gonna break everything inside!
- But it's locked!
- So, we'll find the key.
- But we just found this!
- Perfect, so we're on a roll.
This house is just too damn big, that's the real problem.
- Yeah, if you're robbing it, but if you're
living here, it's probably pretty nice.
- It's ostentatious!
I mean, if they were just a little more humble,
we wouldn't have so many rooms to look through.
I mean, what is this?
The fucking parlor room or conservatory, it's like clue!
- Niagara Falls.
- Yeah.
- Did you know Niagara Falls
is actually three different falls,
horseshoe falls, bridal veil...
- did you move anything here?
- What?
- Uh, was there any other stuff?
- No, I just turned it on.
- Well, did you put it there, though,
eh, in the center like that?
- No, it was just there.
- By itself?
- Yeah, and then I turned it on, what's your deal?
- What are you doing?
- I'm taking this, we haven't found shit.
This fits in my bag, it's gotta be worth something.
- It's just a lamp.
- Yeah, but it's old and cool!
You've seen those shows where people find weird stuff
and it turns out to be worth a bundle.
I saw this one where this guy had an old spittoon,
turned out to belong
to some famous cowboy or somethin', $100,000.
- Cowboys didn't have lamps.
- It doesn't have to be a cowboy,
that's not the important part.
It's just that, generally, old things are,
you know, can be, uh, um.
I don't know all the specific rules,
but this is old and funky and you never know!
- Uh, I do, ehm.
I'm telling you, it's worth a couple hundred bucks.
Maybe three by now, maybe.
- Well, we'll see.
- It is.
- You say.
- I don't say, I know.
- How?
- Because I bought it.
- You have one of these, I haven't seen it.
- No, this one, I bought it,
and we can't take it.
- Why would a lamp that you bought
be in a house that we're robbing?
Who's house is this?
- Jessica's.
- Oh,
you have got to let it go!
So, what, you've been stalking her?
- No!
- But you know where she lives.
- That's just Facebook.
- You're still Facebook friends with her?
So you've just been stalking her online?
- That's not stalking, that's what Facebook is for.
- How did you know where the key was?
- We usedta' live together,
she loves the hide-a-rock.
She, she used to give it to everyone,
every housewarming gift ever was a hide-a-rock.
She thinks it's the height of human innovation.
- So what exactly was your plan here?
- To rob the place.
- Why?
We've been talkin' about it forever,
so I found a good place!
- No, you found a terrible place!
I wanted to rob someplace cool,
not your ex-fiancee's new fiance's house.
- It's a good place.
There's jewelry,
diamonds.
- Diamonds, she has diamonds?
- A diamond, for sure.
- Wait, are we just here to steal back your engagement ring?
- She shouldn't have kept it.
- Holy shit!
- She shouldn't have, and she knows it!
- Why didn't you just ask for it back?
- There was a lot goin' on!
We both wanted the Cuisinart, we had a big argument
about who put down the security deposit.
- You've gotta be kidding me!
- Neither of us even thought about the ring,
and then I did, and I thought,
well, if I realize it, then she realizes it,
and she'll bring it back soon.
And then she didn't, and then I thought,
well, maybe that means something.
Maybe she's not ready to let go,
and then she got engaged,
and then that was the last straw.
- This is the saddest heist
in the long, storied history of crime.
- No, it's not, it's the perfect crime!
I get my ring back,
you get to steal his stupid rich guy's stuff.
- Except that.
- That's not his, that's hers, I gave that to her.
- Even better, you get it back, too.
- No, look, she kept it, here.
In her house, with her fiancee,
on a table all by itself.
Don't you see?
I'm still here!
She's still has a thing for me.
- She doesn't have a thing for you,
she has a thing for this thing.
This thing is nice!
- I'm nice!
- She's engaged to another guy.
- She can still change her mind.
I know this.
- So she kept your ring, and she kept your lamp,
so she's gonna get back together with you?
- Maybe.
- Maybe?
What about the girl up there?
- Who?
- The girl we just taped up, the house sitter!
- I don't know, what about her?
- She's a friend and she's seen your face.
So, you and Jessica are gonna get back together
and you're gonna run into her and she's gonna be like,
"oh, do you know Leo?"
"Oh, yeah, he tied me up in your bedroom that one time!"
- Guys?
- She's not the quiet type.
- Hey, guys?
- Come on!
- Guys!
- That's not quiet shouting,
that's regular, loud shouting.
- Sorry, I really have to go to the bathroom.
- Would you stop it?
- Does it look ok?
- It's fine.
- Ok.
- She has to go to the bathroom.
- How bad?
- Pretty bad.
- Ok, let's, um, let's tear a little hole
in the sheet around her, uh...
- I'm not doing that, that's super rapey!
- That's not rapey, it's, we're being courteous!
Ok, you have to go to the bathroom?
That's no one's fault.
We appreciate that you, uh, didn't soil the bed.
That shows a lot of respect.
Not towards us, specifically, but just, you know,
general respect towards humankind and, uh, societal norms.
So that's a good trust-building move, am I right?
- Sure. Ok, so, you showed some respect,
we will do likewise and un-tape you, ok?
- Yes, please. But just to go to the bathroom, that's it.
So you can tend to your needs.
Then, we'll tape you back up.
- I understand.
- Ok, Doug, let's.
Oh, it's tearing the sheet a little here.
- See, the sheets were my idea.
Didn't wanna tear up your skin.
- Thank you.
- Oh, it was nothing.
Anyone would've, I mean, he didn't.
- Hey!
- But really, anyone.
- Whoa!
- What?
- I'm not dressed! - Well, you're not
undressed, you're wearin' underwear.
- Well, still, that's not the...
- we've already seen you.
- Well, I'd prefer that you did not see me again!
- I don't know if this helps,
but you really shouldn't have any body shame.
- What? I-I'm just saying, you're overall fitness seems high.
Whatever work you're doing is really paying off.
You should be super proud of the, uh...
- Ok! - Results.
- That's enough.
You're in your underwear, you have to go to the bathroom.
Those are just two facts, deal with 'em!
We don't care, we're not perverts.
We're thieves, ok?
No, let's go!
There's a window, so, uh, we're going in with you.
- Why?
- So you don't run away.
- I'm not gonna run away, I'm in my underwear!
- Who cares, Cindy birdsong jumped out of a moving vehicle
on the long beach freeway to avoid capture.
A little panty dash is nothin'.
- Who is Cindy birdsong?
- One of the Supremes.
- Why do you know that? 'Cause
I'm an educated person, come on!
- What, both of you?
- Fine, I'll go.
- Ok, because I have to go number two.
- Fine, we'll flip for it.
- Heads.
- Hey, um,
you can have a little bit of dignity anyhow.
Let's see, what else?
That'll help a little, but you gotta give me the mercy flush.
- What? Just, well, as soon as it, you know,
hits the water, just get rid of it, flush it.
Now is now the time for water conservation.
- Ok. Let's see, she normally has a lavender,
people have lavender spray, so.
You do that, and I'll use these,
and that'll, uh, mask any of,
uh, maybe turn on the shower.
- Why?
- Just to cover up any noises.
Ok, good.
Uh, do you feel good?
- Uh, yeah.
- Good, um, uhn,
get to it, I guess.
My name's not Doug, just so you know.
Doesn't matter what my real name is,
I just don't like Doug.
Don't want you thinkin' of me as a Doug.
We actually probably have stuff in common.
Friends, maybe, even, like, the point is,
it's a small world, that's all I'm sayin'.
Hey, the system's workin' well, though, isn't it?
I haven't, I wouldn't even know that yeh!
- You guys ok in there?
- Marlon, Marlon!
- Stay there!
- Don't hurt him!
- You fuckers are letting me go!
- Ok, yes, just stay calm!
- I am calm, I will calmly choke your friend to death!
- No, no, no, don't, don't, don't, look, look!
He's fading, he's just, just let us out,
and we'll go away, it'll be like this never happened!
- Ok, all right, just let me go!
- Ok, yes, just let us out!
- Ok!
Wait, what, let you out?
What are you talking about?
The alarm, just let us out and we'll be fuckin' gone!
- The alarm's off!
- No, we armed it, it was an accident,
so just type in the code, and we'll be gone
and that's that, I swear!
- I saw, I saw clouds, people made of clouds,
and they were goin'...
- it's ok, it's ok, you're all right.
You're all right, we're gettin' out of here.
- You armed it?
- I was establishing a pattern.
What's wrong?
- I don't know the code.
- Why not?
- I'm not the house sitter.
- Why would a pet need a taxi?
- It's a thing, ok?
People wanna get their dogs to the groomers
or off to the kennel before they go away.
- One-percenters, man.
- Yeah, they will throw down for their pets.
It's crazy, I don't mean that like a figure of speech,
I mean like!
I've seen a dog with a collar that cost 500 bucks.
Can you believe that shit?
500 American for a dog collar!
- So you pick up the dog and take it to the kennel,
why would they give you a key?
- They didn't.
- Hide-a-rock?
- What?
- How did you get in?
- I picked the lock.
You ok?
- Sorry, it's just, that's really cool.
What's your deal?
- She has a dog?
I always wanted a dog, but she wouldn't let us.
Now, fucking dog?
- Wait, do you guys know these people?
- His ex-fiancee.
- Shut up! That is crazier than a $500 dog collar!
- No, it's not, I'm just here
to get back my engagement ring.
- Wait, she kept the ring?
What a cunt!
- Hey, whoa, no, she is not a cunt!
- Are you sure about that,
because that's a straight-up cunt move.
- Yes, I'm sure.
Pretty sure.
- Wait, so don't take this the wrong way,
But I'm not really getting a master cat burglar vibe from you guys.
- You don't know us!
- I know that you turned on the security system somehow.
- I was establishing a pattern.
How did you know it wasn't armed in the first place, huh?
Did you just waltz in, pick the lock, that's reckless!
- Because I saw them not arm it!
I came to pick up the dog, they were hustling about,
he was like, "uh, do you need to put anything in the spot?"
And she was like, "um, my laptop," and then he was like,
"uh, it's already in there," and then they left,
locked the door, no alarm, it's somethin' I look for.
- Something you look for?
- Yeah.
- Why?
- So I don't get arrested.
- Wait, this is, like, a thing you do?
- Yeah, I mean, they're gone.
My apartment's a dump, and they've got laundry and HBO.
It's like a fucking resort in these places!
Relaxing.
Until now.
Now, it's all stressful.
Now I need a drink.
- Where are you going?
- Wine! Wait, uh, we need to figure out
How we're going to get out of here.
Ok, they're not gonna be home for a couple of days.
I believe I have time for a glass of wine.
- In the old days, that alarm code
would've been our anniversary.
- You guys had an alarm in that shitty apartment?
- God, no, but she used our anniversary for everything.
It was her pin number, her bank password.
If we hadn't broken up, I could've gotten us out of here.
- If you hadn't broken up, we wouldn't be here.
- Even better.
It's like she's still finding new ways to hurt me.
- What are you looking for?
- The dusty ones, they've been keeping those the longest,
so that means they're good.
Then you just pack out the bottle,
they assume that they drank it and forgot.
I mean, that's the beauty of booze.
It makes things fuzzy.
What'd you get?
- Zinfandel.
- Ah, Primativo, that's its other name.
You learn.
- Sangee-oh-vice.
- Sangiovese, blood of Jove,
it's the only grape named after a god.
- That's good.
- Come on, let us go be gods!
- Hmm!
I stole money from the collection plate at church.
- I told a guy that I was pregnant
and let him believe it for three days.
- I kissed my step-mom.
She was asleep.
- Did she wake up?
- Yeah.
- Ok, you win.
- Do I, though?
- No.
Hey-hey-hey!
Mm, mm, this is tasty?
- Which?
- Uh, Le poof Le puff, the, uh French.
Oh, uh, sorry, what's your name?
- Marlon. Marlon, it's the other one.
Wait, Marlon?
- Yeah.
- Like the fish?
- No, like Marlon Brando.
- Oh, it's funny, I never think of the fish with him.
I guess because it's never just Marlon, it's Marlon Brando.
What's your last name?
- It's, uh...
- don't tell her your last name,
you shouldn't have told her your first name!
- I told you mine.
- Did you?
- Yes, it's Darcy.
- Is it?
- The fuck, dude, yes!
Why would I lie about that?
- 'Cause you're a liar,
because you break into people's houses.
That's not trustworthy behavior.
- You guys broke in.
- No, we used the key.
- You're robbing the place.
- Not yet, we haven't taken anything yet.
- Clearly, you intend to, you're gonna take that lamp.
You've been carrying it around with you from room to room.
It's as good as gone!
- No, we're not taking it.
I'm carrying it around to keep him from taking it,
so that just goes to show what you know.
- Did you know Niagara Falls is actually
three separate falls, bridal veil...
- stop it, Jesus!
You lug around all this useless trivia, and for what?
- Hold on, at least I know real stuff!
You're the world's leading expert in a woman
that doesn't even love you anymore!
So, when are you gonna put that to good use?
- When we're back together.
- It's a, it's a cool lamp, though.
- Yeah, have you ever been?
- Niagara Falls?
- It's a lot of water, an impossible amount of water.
It's inevitable.
It just keeps coming and coming,
and the noise, it's,
you don't even hear it.
It's not like something else anymore,
it's just,
it's the only thing there is.
It's terrifying.
And then someone holds your hand
and her skin
and the air,
and this noise.
It's everything, you know, everything.
You've got it all in your hand.
It's the happiest we ever were,
and she's kept me here with her, you see?
So I'm staying.
The lamp stays.
I'm going to look for that key.
- So, uh, your folks, Marlon Brando fans?
- Marlon Jackson,
the Jackson 5.
- That's, uh, not,
Michael, Jermaine, Tito, Jackie.
- Marlon.
You should never tell anybody that ever again.
- Oh, I was just trying it on.
- What?
- It's nice, I was just.
- Is it Jessica's?
I don't care, you should take it.
Looks nice on you.
- Did you find anything?
- No.
I just thought, five years we were together,
maybe there'd be one picture of me.
- Well, maybe he's the jealous type.
I mean, dudes don't really wanna see photos
of ex-boyfriend's lying around.
- Ex-fiancee.
- Even worse!
She's pretty.
Look at this guy!
His face is too big for his head.
So yeah, he definitely
doesn't wanna see photos of you.
That's the kind of guy who names his dog Fido.
- What?
- Yeah, they named their dog Fido, no shit.
Like straight out of a comic book or something.
- That wh, was my name!
- Wait, so it's not Doug, it's...
- that's what I was gonna name our dog
She wouldn't let us get! I always told her, "wouldn't that be funny?"
It's like, everyone thinks of that as a dog's name,
but no one actually names their dog that.
Here, Fido!
It'd be fuckin' hilarious!
- It'd be a unique cliche,
in canine form.
- See, you get it.
- Hello, beautiful!
- That motherfucker's got a dog named Fido,
and he doesn't even know why!
- Dumb shit! Yeah, oh, maybe you don't have any pictures of me
in your house, but you're runnin' around sayin',
"mm, here, Fido, come, Fido!"
Might as well be balls deep in your old lady, man!
- He's your cuckold!
- What's that?
- It's where one guy watches the other guy
have sex with his girl and likes it.
- That's a thing?
- Yeah.
Mm, don't judge, it's too easy.
You know, you find something that makes you feel good,
that's hard to come by.
- When you, you choked me...
- yeah, I'm sorry about that, that...
- it's, it's ok, I just, I'm,
right at the end there,
just as I was starting to black out,
it was the most euphoric thing I've ever felt in my life.
- Does that mean stop?
Was it ok?
- It was amazing.
- I wanna try.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, definitely.
- Uh, well, maybe we should have a safe word,
you know, like when you want me to stop,
you say rutabaga or whatever.
- How am I gonna say rutabaga if you're choking me?
- Rooabegguh.
- How 'bout I just squeeze your wrist
really quick, like this?
- Kay, you ready?
- I have HBO.
- What?
- At my apartment, I have HBO and laundry.
- Ok.
- Good morning.
- Hey.
- That was quite a thing, huh?
- Uh, thing?
- Uh, I just mean, you know.
- What, I don't know, what's a thing?
- Uh, a night, I guess.
- Oh, yeah, definitely was a night, ok, yep.
- What are you, what are you doing?
- I'm just trying to, there we go.
Get my underwear.
- Did i...
- hmm?
- Is something wrong?
- Um, I just,
I, I shouldn'ta done that.
- It's ok, it's ok, I mean, things got kinda wild, but...
- no, it's not ok.
Um, this is Jessica's bed,
and I shouldn't be having sex
with someone else in Jessica's bed.
- Well, I mean, she has sex with someone else in this bed.
- Don't make it gross!
This, it was disrespectful,
and I shouldn't have done that to her.
- I don't mean to nitpick here,
but you didn't do anything to her.
You did a lot of things to me.
- Uh, oh.
- What are you doing?
- Uh, we need to wash these sheets.
- Oh, Jesus!
- What, that's just common courtesy.
- No, you just fucked me six ways to Sunday!
Common courtesy is to buy me breakfast!
- I'm sorry, I-i didn't mean to fuck you.
It was an accident.
- Well, that was a long, drawn-out accident!
- Yeah, sorry.
You found the computer.
- I did.
- Why are you wearing a robe?
- Because Jessica's fiancee has terrible toilet aim.
I can't find the code, by the way.
I'm looking for hours, found a lot of other stuff,
but no alarm code.
Whatta you been up to?
- Um, fell asleep, the wine, you know.
I-is this all the jewelry you found?
- Why, do you wanna add it to the jewelry you found?
- No, it's just, uh, my ring's not here.
- Maybe she got rid of it.
- What's that mean?
- You know, sold it, gave it away.
Threw it in the ocean.
- Wh-wh-why-wh,
what's this?
- Diary.
- Jessica's?
- Yeah.
- How do you know, did you read it?
- I'm looking for the code.
Morning.
- Morning, anyone want breakfast?
I'm buying!
- I'm not in here at, at all!
- I noticed that.
- I mean, I didn't expect to be on every page,
but maybe one mention would be nice, you know.
"I thought of Leo today in passing,
"he's a person that I remember."
- Yep, some people just aren't much for history.
- Hold on, there's gotta be at least one.
- You looked stressed, you want some tomato juice?
- Yeah, did I tell you that?
- Tell me what?
- That tomato juice calms me down.
- Come on, man!
Oh, 11:11!
- $104,900, that's what we're up to.
It's been 525 days since our last winner,
twice a day, every day, at 11:11,
we pose the impossible question!
And the good, kind folks as black bear markets
add another hundred dollars
- to the kitty. - Shh!
- Call with the answer within 22 seconds
and that kitty's all yours.
It's so simple
if it weren't impossible, so phones at the ready.
Here it comes, other than Elvis Presley, who...
- turn it off!
Turn it off, turn it off!
- What the fuck!
- One calendar year?
- The fuck is wrong with you people?
- 10 seconds left.
- Shh!
- God! Other than Elvis Presley, who outlived his twin brother at childbirth
and went on to have four number one singles
in one calendar year?
- Marlon Jackson, it's Marlon Jackson!
It's ringing!
- And time is up!
- Fuck!
- The answer, Marlon Jackson
of the Jackson 5!
- Oh, shit!
Brandon died at childbirth,
and the Jackson 5 had four number one hits in 1970.
I want you back,
ABC, the love you save, and I'll be there.
- They're coming home.
- Where are they now?
- I don't know, she posted this an hour ago.
Headed home early, I wonder what happened?
- Who cares! Why are you creeping on her Facebook like that?
- I am not Cree, that's irrelevant to the situation, ok?
They're coming home, here, now!
- Where were they?
- I don't know.
- Hawaii.
- Creeper! Don't ke, all right.
You're the creeper, always breakin' into houses,
tryin' on people's lives 'cause you don't like your own.
- My life is fine.
I just do it for the thrill.
- Well, I had a real life once
and it was pretty fuckin' thrilling.
- Ok, look.
Hawaii is a long flight.
They have to get their baggage, there's the cab ride.
We've got some time.
- To do what, we either get caught by her,
or we trip the alarm and get caught by the cops!
- I choose the cops.
- Are you serious?
- If we get caught by her,
she's gonna call the cops, it all ends in cops!
- Not if we talk our way out of it.
- How am I gonna talk my way out of it?
She knows me, intimately!
Oh, so, am I like, "hey, Jessica,
"wow, what are you doin' here?
"We're just trying to rob this place,
"small world after all, huh?"
- Ok, so we hide you in the fish and I do the talking.
- Actually, uh, she knows me, too.
She hates me.
- Ok, so we hide both of you.
- Fine, so say that you spin a real silver-tongued yarn
and they let you go, how do we get out?
- I don't care.
- She is not a good person!
I mean, I know it's not easy to be a good person
when times are tough, but that's how you know
if you're a good person in the first place, you know?
- Yeah, I d-do, that, I used to,
I know exactly what you mean.
- Let's go make a plan.
We dig, under and out.
- I don't think we have that kinda time.
- Ok, um,
we set a fire.
- Where?
- In the house.
- In the fireplace?
- No, we set the house on fire.
Lots of smoke, confusion, and then we slip away
under the, uh, cover of chaos.
- Or we die in a terrible house fire!
- Ok.
Then same idea, no fire.
- What's a fireless fire?
- We just go, trip the alarm,
and, uh, hide in the trees.
- Ok. Cops come, look around, think it's a false alarm,
and then, uh, we get outta here.
- All right, that's progress,
but we're still inside the gate.
The whole community is fenced in, we're like zoo animals.
- So we just climb the fence.
- Ok, uh, if we can,
that would put us inside another gated community.
- I, who are these people
trying to protect themselves from, each other?
Other marauding gangs of Volvo drivers we don't know about?
- We need the code.
- I've looked everywhere.
- Well, maybe it's in the garage, that lockbox?
- No.
- You found the key?
- No, it wasn't, um, with the other keys.
I haven't seen it, so it probably just, you know.
- Just what?
- I don't know.
- Well, might as well look for it.
It might be our only hope.
- Yeah, ok.
What are you doing?
- If we open the doors of the rooms we've already searched,
then we know we've already been there.
- We're looking for a tiny key or a four-digit code.
Do you think that you searched these rooms
well enough to just walk away...
- I'm working in broad strokes.
- Ok, fine, I don't.
- Whoa, what the fuck?
Whoa, watch the door!
- What the fuck is going on?
- Who did this?
- How did they get in here?
- No, no, no!
- What the fuck is going on here?
- Just leave it, leave me!
- We're not gonna leave you! I'll be fine, just worry about yourself!
- Who did this?
- How did they get in?
- Nobody! - Who?
- How many? Nobody did it, there's nobody here!
- There's nobody here?
- No.
- Then who tied you up?
- I did.
- So you were just gonna sell us up the river?
- Don't get pissed off at me just because I had a plan!
- How'd you tie yourself up like that?
- That's not the point, Marlon!
- She picks locks, she ties herself up in elaborate knots!
You don't find that a curious skill set for a dog Walker?
- I'm not a dog Walker.
- See? All right, they show up, you're gagged and bound,
so you're just a fellow victim of this senseless crime.
- You're the ones who locked us in,
I'm just looking for a way out!
- Devious, very, very devious!
- Why are your clothes off?
- Look, it was just one idea.
Probably not the best one, can we just move on?
- But why are they ripped?
- Again, the clock is ticking,
let's not waste time reliving past mistakes.
If I needed to and only if they were not
buying my story, I might have had to go with more of a,
kind of a sexual assault angle.
- What?
- Devious, dirty little...
- ok, looking at it from your perspective,
I can see how that was probably too far.
- Probably?
- Definitely, definitely too far,
and I'm so glad it didn't come to that,
but you know, there are always, like,
a couple clunkers when you're brainstorming.
- What, we weren't brainstorming!
You were setting us up for charges of kidnapping,
of, uh, assault and battery, and rape!
- And burglary.
- That doesn't concern me right now.
- Well, that's where we're back to, burglary.
- I haven't taken anything,
so breaking and entering, maybe.
- We didn't break anything, we used the key.
We did stain the rug, but that's not technically broken.
- The point is, we're in trouble!
- But trouble is just an opportunity
that got turned around, am I right?
- Yeah. What kind of fortune cookie bullshit is that?
- That's not bullshit, that is solid, deep thinking!
- Hey, fish, uh, you know where you found everything else?
- What about it?
- Are you sure you didn't miss anything?
- Yes, I'm sure I didn't miss anything!
I don't need the accusations, thank you very much.
- Worth looking at, though.
- What, eh, wh-why are you taking her side?
- I'm not takin' anyone's side,
I'm just sayin' it's worth double-checking.
- Ugh, that's fucked up!
- I can't feel anything.
- Told ya.
- Get way back in there.
- I am!
- Maybe we should get a flashlight,
is there a flashlight anywh...
What is this?
- Nothing, it's, it's not what you think it is!
- What do I think it is? - Oh my god!
- I don't know.
- All right, give! - Oh, fuck!
- I just didn't think you needed the distraction!
We're trying to get out of here, y'know, so I.
- Holy shit!
- Sometimes I wake up and think Leo is there
in the bed beside me, and my heart sinks when I realize.
He used to say,
"trouble is just an opportunity that got turned around,"
but I don't know if I'll ever get turned back around.
Poor Carl walked in on me crying
during a documentary about Niagara Falls.
Everything, every feeling was still right there.
I wish I could just have a tomato juice and calm down.
It worked for Leo,
I'd have to drink about a gallon at this point.
Things got tough with Leo, and I wasn't a good person,
so maybe I was never a good person in the first place.
I know that now.
- Why would she cut out the pages of her own.
- All that time with Jessica, I never,
she dumped you, left.
I'm still here, always.
We've been talkin' about this heist for forever
and, you know, a little bit of excitement.
Doin' our own thing, some teamwork, but,
now it's just the same shit!
You had Jessica, now you have her!
- Her?
She's gonna tell the cops that I raped her!
- I believe I apologized.
- This is the whole reason that we broke in here.
- No, it's the whole reason you broke in here!
- This is crazy, this, this changes everything!
She still...
I know the code.
- What?
- I know the code, it's our anniversary.
- No, you don't know!
- No, I know!
- No, you don't know!
You're gonna fuck around and get us all arrested
just 'cause you read some cotton candy thoughts
in her little girl diary,
but you don't know the code!
- Ok, now,
we haven't been at our best, any of us,
and maybe someday, we'll all sit down,
break bread and have our apologies and tender moments
and whatnot and that'll be nice, I'm sure.
But right now, this is over.
I'm getting us out of here,
because I know.
There.
Now, let's go.
- Fuck!
- What, that can't be...
Let's go, we gotta run, hide in the bushes!
- I don't understand!
- We're fucked, we run, let's go!
- Wait, we have to stay!
- What are you, nuts?
- No, there's only one way out.
- Yeah, the door, let's go!
- No, it's not the door.
It's him, he's right.
He knows.
- Hello?
This is the police!
Everybody ok?
- Oh, oh, ho-ho, oh, thank god!
Honey, honey, the security guard's here!
- Oh, I'm so sorry!
- What?
- I'm so sorry about this.
- Kill the alarm, I'm on the scene.
Hold the backup, stand by.
- Oh!
- Oh, god, thank you.
- Uh, I'm sorry, I,
I misplaced the little slip of paper
that my sister wrote the code on for me,
so, god, that alarm is such a pain sometimes!
- Yeah, sometimes.
You said miss Deevers is your sister?
- That's right.
That's me and, uh, my sister, Jessica, the homeowner,
with our younger sister Carla and mom and dad.
It's in Virginia city, have you ever been?
- Nope.
- Oh, it's a thing to see,
just like you'da pictured the old west to have been.
Like, it's a lotta fun.
- Well, I'll have to check that out sometime.
- You'll have to take me,
god, he talks about it all the time, but we've never gone.
- Well, you know.
You get busy.
- I've met your folks before.
Yeah, your dad.
- Randy.
- Yeah, Randy.
Uh, he helped me out,
I was havin' some trouble with the gate.
- Well, I bet he loved that.
He's so good with those sorts of things.
He should've been a mechanic or maybe a surgeon, even.
Anything but insurance.
- Yeah, well, he, yeah, he fixed it right up, so.
And your mom made these, um...
- I hope it was the lemon bars.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Lucky,
those are the only things she knows how to make.
- Well, they were good, so.
- Well, you dodged a bullet.
Seriously, I've never seen a woman
make more of a disaster of snickerdoodles.
It's terrible, but you have to eat 'em.
- I don't remember you folks comin' in.
- Oh, you know, I think the, uh,
the other gentleman was working.
- Leslie?
- Ooh, I don't... - Um.
- Yeah, he, he did work the day shift.
Normally, he lets me know if we have visitors.
- Yeah, uh, well, if there's some paperwork
that we're supposed to fill out or something,
we'd be happy to do it, I mean...
- no, you know, it's just normally, people let us know
if they're gonna have guests while they're away.
- Well, Jessica, details aren't really her thing.
She just told us to get out of the city for a couple days,
and, you know, spend some quiet time together.
- We just got engaged.
- Well, congratulations!
- That's fantastic! - Yeah, thank you, thanks.
- Phone's ready, here it comes.
What is the only variety of grape
that is actually named after a god?
- Can we get you somethin' to eat?
- Oh, god, I'd offer you some soup, but, aw god,
that darn alarm went out and, god, it just surprised me!
- Uh, maybe some pretzels or chips, or ravioli?
Some people don't like eating it out of the can,
but it reminds me of growing up.
- Uh, no, I'm good, thank you.
- Oh, I'm told we have a caller,
and just in time!
Hello, are you ready to reveal the impossible?
- Yes, it's sangiovese.
- Uh, I-I'm sorry,
you need to speak up, please.
- It's sangiovese!
- That's correct!
- Whoa!
- Oh, that is, some people have all the luck, huh?
- Man, I bet that guy's partyin' hard wherever he is!
- No doubt!
Congratulations,
you've just won $105,000!
What's your name?
- Marlon.
- Like the fish?
- Yeah, yeah, like the fish.
- Uh, well, apologies again
for causing all the ruckus, y'know?
- No problem at all.
Happens all the time.
These alarms are more trouble than they're worth.
I mean, to be honest, it's kind of a letdown.
Just once, I wanna come in, guns a'blazin',
have it out with some scumbags.
We can dream, though, right?
You have a good night.
Oh, shit, sorry, guys.
I just gotta go by the book with this kinda stuff.
- Of course.
- I just need you to tell me the safe word.
- Rutabaga, sorry, that's our safe word.
Ah, sorry, overshare.
- H-honey, uh, uh, safe word?
- Yeah, you know, the word you're supposed to know
when you're in the house.
Just clears that you're actually allowed to be here.
- Mm-hmm.
- You can call your sister if you need to, that's fine.
- Ooh, one word you say?
- Yeah.
- Honey,
you know.
- Niagara.
- That's the one.
You guys have a good night.
- Oh, uh, you, too.
Oh, hey, um, you can leave that open,
we're gonna head to the store in a second.
Start over with that soup.
- The soup, yeah.
- Sounds good to me.
- Let's get the fuck outta here!
- Fish!
- Did you hear that shit?
- Let's go!
- $105,000!
- Congratulations, let's go!
- Let's load these up!
- No time.
- What about the pizza?
- What?
- Our ride?
- I have my car!
- Go, go, go!
- Hold on, let me make room for you.
- You leave anything there?
- Nope.
No, wait!
Bye.
- Chocolate chip pancakes?
Those sound amazing.
- Yeah, people like them.
- You know what, we might be one-percenters, almost.
You know, collectively, our forces combined.
But with this kind of seed money,
we could plan a proper job.
You know, we're experienced now, we can go big!
Something with grappling hooks,
or go all d.B. Cooper, fuckin' legends!
- Maybe we could just get
a little breakfast first, and then see...
- yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, um,
breakfast is on me by the way.
Huh, I should give this to that guy.
- I'll get this one.
I owe Darcy a breakfast anyhow.
- Uh, ok, so now that we're all, um,
it's actually Kate, my name.
- Devious.
- Where you gonna put that lamp?
- Craigslist.
It's our only score from the job.
- Well,
and this.
- What, that's crazy!
Man, do they have celebration items on a breakfast menu?
What would that be, like an enormous pile of bacon?
We're goin' places, I'll tell you that.
Non-tropical places, I'm standing my ground on that issue,
but everything else is open,
'cause you gotta keep yourself open to new things.
Keep it fresh, otherwise, you get stuck.
I mean, you can't make a plan to know about something
that you don't already know about.
Hold up, that's fuckin' wisdom right there.
Yep, I just know it.