Do you wanna know the truth about high school?
You've got to break it down into its elements.
Unfortunately, at St. Donovan's,
the periodic table is more crooked than a case of scoliosis.
But just give me the chance,
and I'll set it all straight.
Case in point... Spanish homework.
"Dame un batido de esperma"...
does not mean, "Take me to the airport."
It means, "Give me a sperm milk shake."
And 22 kids gave that as an answer in Spanish 3 last week.
I'm not sure about the milk shake,
but somebody's sure feeding us something sticky.
Every clique on campus is copying the same damn homework...
burn-outs, pretty boys, drama dorks, jocks, debaters, player haters,
you name it.
Oh, it's big, all right,
and I'm on it like pink rubber bands on your little sister's braces.
The name's Bobby Funke. I write for the paper.
Wait. Wait a second. Who?
- Bob-Bobby Funke. I write for the paper. - No, you don't.
I'm Tad Goltz, and I write for the paper. You don't write for shit.
Wait. Aren't you the freshman they tied to the snowman penis?
Sophomore.
Bobby, you can't expect us to give you a story like this...
when's there's nothing written and there's hardly proof.
Look, Clara, I'm the best writer you've got. Tell me differently.
You've never finished an article.
Well, then do you wanna go to homecoming with me?
No.
Clara Diaz, editor in chief and one tough cookie.
All I wanted was a taste.
Friedrich Nietzsche said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Bobby. But 10 bucks says Nietzsche never got a swirly.
Can't talk right now, Clara.
I feel really bad about what happened.
I know you're going for that Northwestern program, and I have an assignment for you.
Take you to homecoming? Heard you were going with Tad.
- You know what Tad's short for, right? - Theodore?
No. Vagina.
Look it up.
I want you to write a story on the student body president.
- Really? - Really.
Just get it on paper this time, okay?
Okay.
Finally, my big break.
It was just the story I needed...
to get into the Northwestern summerjournalism program.
Instead of delivering papers this summer,
I'd be well on my way to writing for them.
Give me a piece of loose-leaf.
Come on. Give me a piece of loose-leaf.
Give me a pen.
What happened to the last pen I gave you?
Give me a pen, Funky. Give me a pen.
Take it.
Everybody paid attention...
when Francesca Fachini walked into a classroom.
She was a National Merit scholar, the varsity soccer captain...
and the president's girlfriend.
I'd interview her for the story...
just as soon as I grew some testicles.
- # Buenos días # - Buenos días.
Senor Funky.
# La tarea #
What?
# La tarea
I'm... fine. How are you?
# In Espanol #
Hmm?
The president was a busy man, an important man,
and he was about to give me the story of my high school career.
Would you please state your name, year and social security number?
Paul Moore. I'm a senior.
I'm not gonna give you my soc.
Aren't you the freshman they tied to the snowman penis?
Sophomore.
As president, how would you say you're gonna handle...
the recent drop in A.C.T. And S.A.T. Scores?
Well, what would you have me do about it?
Seriously, you've seen me on the boards.
I'll do whatever it takes to get it done,
and that's a Paul Moore promise...
to you, to St. Donovan's, to Paul Moore.
- You know what I'm talking about? - Mi amor.
Con regalo.
Mi Amor.
♪
Buenos días, Senor Funky.
♪
After 30 minutes in the shower, one thing was clear.
Paul was all length and no depth.
He didn't give you a whole lot.
How could he not give you a whole lot? People love him.
He's like fucking J.F.K. He's smart. He's charismatic. He's good-Iooking.
He's a tenacious athlete.
I'm sorry, Tad. I didn't realize you felt that way about him.
It's sad.
Ongatumamwe with the rebound. The man from Sudan.
Come on! Call that!
That's a time-out. Friars.
Bring it in. Bring it in.
What's going on out there, guys?
Huh? You guys look like a dump that I took last Thanksgiving.
- What's the matter, Pauley? - I don't know, Coach. I'm not feeling it.
You got to feel it, son. You got to feel the flow and go. You understand?
Son, you feel, flow, go, hoop, win. Pauley, ball game.
No one understands why you got the Moore story instead of Tad Goltz.
I'm sure there's a lot you don't understand, Tad.
Oh, yeah? Well, I understand art when I see it.
Marlon Piazza, Bobby Funke.
I write for the paper. I'm doing a piece on Paul Moore.
- I was wondering... - Piss off, dork.
Those gentle giants were the pillars...
of St. Donovan's student council.
Marlon Piazza, vice president and Francesca's step-brother.
Matt Mullen, head hall monitor and noted date rapist.
Marty Mullen, class secretary and former child underwear model.
Oh, God. Oh, God. You hear that pop?
- There was no pop. - Can we give Mr. Moore some room, please?
- Watch out. - You all right, Paul?
- Should we get him up? - Let's get him up.
Come on, Paul. Snap it up. Snap it up!
The basketball game wasn't all we lost that night.
Like Nixon's men at Watergate,
a thief crept in and stole our innocence.
What kind of f'in' a-hole would do something like this, Nancy?
- I don't know, sir. Should I call the police? - No.
Bring me the list.
Whenever trouble came to St. Donovan's,
the principal rounded up the same ol' delinquents.
But that dark morning, there was one new name on the list.
- Bobby Funky? - Actually, it's pronounced "Funk."
Principal's office, now.
It feels nice in here.
My ass itches.
Who is this guy?
- What's his name? - Bobby Funky.
- Franky? - Funky.
- Looks like a little gentleman. - He does? Look at him.
- Looks like a stockbroker. - He's so little. Funky.
Don't look at me.
What happened to your face, man?
Look at it. It's like you have a culo on your face.
Got a culo.
Did you ever get a man on your back?
Breathing hard?
Riding you like a horse?
No?
I assume you all know why you're here.
Let me guess.
You finally wanna start that boy band you've been dreaming about.
Landis, do I come down to the strip club where you work...
and knock the dick out of your mouth?
Against the wall. You're late.
Actually, um...
I'm not entirely certain why I'm here, sir.
Really? It's fascinating.
- This is why you're here. This. - That's sick.
You've got a gum problem that's rapidly turning into an attitude problem.
That's why you're here.
I don't like gum.
I don't like your snooping around.
You are all filth.
Your parents have obviously spoiled you...
or, in your case, possibly abused you a little too much.
Now, one of you little vermin...
broke into this office and stole the S.A.T.'s last night.
Of this I am certain.
I beg you, I beseech you do not come forward...
because I will have the pleasure of tracking you down,
much the same way that I tracked down that camel-humping ammunitions envoy...
two clicks east of Tigris,
the birthplace of civilization.
Mr. Cipriato.
- Do you know the arabic word "laa hriiq"? - No.
It means, "Don't shoot. Don't shoot."
You may wanna remember that.
Dismissed.
Hey, Francesca.
Hey, Funky.
So, um, what are you doing in the men's room?
Well, I thought I might find a man in here.
Are you a man, Funky?
I'm just screwing with you.
I just need your help.
With what?
Whoever stole the S.A.T.'s, I need you to find them and get them back.
I aced that thing. I know it. I was just in a zone.
- Do you know what "mastication" means? - No.
Me neither, but in that moment, I did.
It was perfect.
I need you to find those tests.
Why me?
I don't know. I've got a feeling about you, Funky.
This stuff's right up your alley.
So do you have any idea of who might have taken the S.A.T.'s?
We took the S.A.T.'s?
L... I didn't. I didn't.
- Did you take them? - No, I didn't take them.
Everyone was in their classrooms.
That's what all the commotion was about.
Okay, where were you last night?
That's where I was last night.
# Ay, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi-yi #
# Ay, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi #
Hey, Funky.
Funky, want a gum ball?
It's good. It's soft. It's sweet.
I'm not falling for the gum ball trick, Cipriato.
So you can put your ball bag back in your pants.
What's it like sucking on another man's fingers?
- What's it like stealing the S.A.T.'s? - I asked you first.
# Ay, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi #
Where were you that night?
- What do you care? - I'm writing your biography.
Fine. Let me copy off you, and I'll tell you.
Fine.
I was at the Park Arms with my nana playing bingo.
I got 30 fucking geriatrics that can back that up.
- I'm touched, Cipriato. - Not a word, Funky.
After tailing Landis,
I discovered her secret life outside of school.
She opened up...
once I promised to keep her ice capades under wraps.
I don't know who took them, Nancy Drew,
but I do know it happened during the game.
I was out in the parking lot last night,
and I saw some flashlights bounce around in Kirkpatrick's office.
What were you doing in the parking lot?
I was probably getting fingered by Dutch Middleton.
Okay.
Thanks, Landis.
Long time no see, Rocky.
- Weekends and holidays, man. - Thanks.
Did you do it?
- No. You? - I wish.
Those tests are the tool of the racist bourgeoises.
Get back to your cage, butt boy.
Last night? Nah, man.
I got picked up for possession. Spent the night in holding.
It's creepy. You know. It's fucked up. Ooh.
That's some alibi.
Fuck it. Fuck it. Hold this. This is my jam, man. Ooh!
Gracias.
Ooh!
# I'm on the wire
# I'm on the wire #
None of these bad apples had stolen the tests.
Their alibis were like Dutch ovens... gamey, but airtight.
Maybe I was looking at it all wrong.
Maybe a good kid was behind it.
What scares you, Funky?
You know what scares me? Injustice.
You know why? Because it's everywhere.
You think I don't see Cipriato behind me jerking off right now?
He's a dead man. I'll deal with him.
But the thing about fighting injustice...
is choosing your battles wisely,
and my battle right now is to find out where are my missing S.A.T.'s.
Now, I don't know your involvement in all of this, Funky,
but I'm watching you.
I got both eyes open, and they're on you.
- You read me? - Yes. Yes.
You bleed, Funky. We all bleed.
Thank you, sir.
Tad, am I gonna get my story on the girls bowling team any time soon?
Get off my fucking back, Clara.
- Nobody gives two shits about girls bowling. - I give two shits, okay?
How many more shits do I need to get a story from you, Tad? And Bobby?
- Yeah? - Where's my story on Paul Moore?
Paul was a good kid.
Maybe his bum knee wasn't so bad.
Maybe my puff piece was no pastry. It's on its way.
So, um, how long, uh...
So how did Paul's knee look that night?
Okay. Why?
Well, because, Nurse Platt, Paul injured it.
That's why they brought him here.
Oh.
I thought he had diarrhea,
but he was limping,
so I guess he did hurt his little stem.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, um, were you...
here with him in the office the whole time? - Yeah.
Well, except I got hungry,
and Paul said I should get something to eat.
His treat.
So I went across the street and got a gyro at that Greek place,
Little Spiro's.
Have you ever been there? It's so good.
Do you mean to tell me that Paul was alone in here?
I mean, so good.
How long did you leave Paul on his own that night?
Um, hey, D.,
when I go get Greek food, how long does it take me?
- About 20 minutes, a little more or less. - Mm.
Hey, what's up, Franky?
Just get me the sandwich.
Yeah, I want a foot-long spicy Italian sausage. That's right.
Yeah. I got one, and I want one.
Yeah, see, that's a double entendre.
Yeah. That's right. I coached English for two seasons.
I got to go. I got to go.
Ay, yi, yi.
- So where were we? - Um... Uh, Paul Moore's college prospects.
You know, grades have never been Paul's strong suit.
But if he wants to go lvy, he'll get in.
Believe me, that boy will do whatever it takes to win.
That's P.M.W. That is the Paul Moore Way.
P. Moore! P. Moore!
The coach gave me Paul's motive.
The nurse, opportunity.
My guts said I had my guy,
but on my way home, I realized I needed an inside source...
to back it all up.
I also needed to get my license.
Lately, me and the D.M.V. Weren't seeing eye to eye.
When parking along a curb on an uphill slope,
we turn our wheels to the... Nope.
When there's a yellow light, we approach the intersection at a nice...
Nope.
And when we come to an object in the road like...
A dog, we...
Nope.
I was looking for a corroboration on my story.
Woodward and Bernstein had their Deep Throat. I needed mine.
Fortunately, I knew just the girl.
She sounded hesitant on the phone...
but told me where I could find her.
Hey, Chrissy?
I'm a friend of your brother Paul.
No. No, you're not.
How do you know?
Okay.
Well, um... Has Paul ever taken you to one of his games before?
You're a high schooler and you don't have a car?
Why don't you have a car?
That's irrelevant, Chrissy.
Nice sandwich.
I want a unicorn.
Um, neat.
You know, when I was your age, I wanted a pet giraffe.
Giraffes suck.
Get me a unicorn, and I'll tell you so many secrets about Paul.
Very secret secrets.
Here's the thing, Chrissy.
Unicorns don't actually exist.
Stuffed animal unicorn, doofus.
Oh.
All right!
Chrissy Moore was one unicorn well spent.
After she filled in the blanks,
my story was right there in front of me,
but I still had no solid proof.
Were my hunches enough to write the article?
Fuck it. Woodward and Bernstein.
Hey! I won't tell you again, Ongatumamwe.
This is P. Moore shampoo.
I've got enough clout around here to get your ass deported for less.
You, uh, fellas here for the cockfight?
Yo. This story's gonna start, like, a friggin' coup d'état in this bitch.
Thanks, man. I like your dreads.
Funky. It was nice.
Listen. I didn't do anything.
I didn't do anything. This is crazy.
I didn't do anything. Hey, I'm the president.
I'm the president. I'm Paul Moore.
I'm Paul Moore. I didn't do any... I didn't do anything.
It's all right. I didn't do anything. Don't worry.
Open it up.
- I didn't do... - Open it up.
I don't... I don't know where those... Those aren't Paul Moore's.
I don't... I don't...
I don't know how those got...
Let's go.
Come on, Paul. Don't fight it.
This is crazy. I'm a... I'm a patsy.
I'm a patsy!
But in the end, Paul Moore kept his promise.
He did whatever it took to get the job done, even the unthinkable.
P.M.W., the Paul Moore Way.
The name's Bobby Funke. I write for the paper.
So I just want everyone to know...
that I am submitting this article to the Northwestern people...
with my highest recommendation.
- Whoa! - Funky!
I wanted to thank you for finding the S.A.T.'s...
and for showing me what a douche Paul really is.
See, the thing is, I seem to have lost my date to homecoming,
and I wanted to know if you'd go with me.
- You wanna go to homecoming with me? - Well, not like, "Go, go."
- Not like for real. - Yeah.
- Everyone has a date, except the mathletes... - Right.
And then maybe that wrestler with the jock itch on his face.
So, yeah. The only person I can go with is you.
I still don't see...
why you wanna go with me.
Yeah, why not? You're like the school's Wolf Blitzer now.
Well, Wolf Blitzer's like a TV reporter.
I'm into Woodward and Bernstein.
You already have a date?
What? No. I just...
Great. Then you can pick me up at 8:00.
Oh, and no wrist corsages. Get the kind with the pin.
I don't mind a little prick every once in a while.
St. Donovan's, good morning. This is your principal, Mr. Kirkpatrick.
As you know, uh, there's been a regime change here at the school,
and your new president, Marlon "Piezza," is gonna say a few words.
- Piazza. - What?
Marlon Piazza.
- What, is that Italian? - Uh, I think so.
Marlon Piazza is gonna say a few words to you, so stand by.
You're on the air. No f'in around, huh?
Thank you, sir.
Fellow students,
this has been a difficult time for all of us.
But do not lose faith in this institution,
because from great tragedy comes great triumph.
Let me be the first to say that the actions of your next president...
It's open.
Hey, Marlon.
So is it true that she got a perfect score on her S.A.T.'s?
Yeah. Her freshman year.
I'll let you play with her tits for 20 bucks.
Hi, Funky. You're good.
It's a nice place you got here.
Have a good look while you can.
I doubt you'd be coming by again.
I guess that I should congratulate you on your new presidency.
Isn't it funny how someone can be your average cakewalk V.P. One day...
and then head of the school the next?
Yeah. It's like how someone can be the school joke one day...
and then go to homecoming with the hottest girl at St. Donovan's the next.
She's, like, your half sister, right?
Stepsister.
Hey, Funky.
Hey, Francesca.
Wow. You look... awesome.
Thanks. You look pretty good yourself.
I like your shoes.
Oh, she doesn't have to go to the hospital again, does she?
Nyah.
Is your car out front?
Oh, well, it's such a nice night, I thought that we could walk.
♪
# I'm coming up only
# To hold you under
Sorry about that. I just can't seem to get away from my friends sometimes.
# I'm coming up only
Yeah. I know what you mean.
You still want that dance?
♪ Quantum physics is bullshit.
You know? You don't know what is inside of a black hole,
because, you know, stuff goes in,
but nothing comes out.
Just like Laura Hoffner's box.
Mm-hmm.
# To the outside
# The dead leaves They are alive #
# For they don't have trees
# To hang their hearts
# Ooh, ooh
♪ You think I'm a bitch, don't you?
I mean, you can be honest. I don't care either way. I'm just curious.
Do you think I'm a bitch?
Um...
Kind of.
- Seriously? - No. No. L...
I thought you were, but... And then...
I don't know. Now I think that maybe you're just...
Misunderstood.
Nobody's misunderstood.
That's just what people say when they don't like who they are.
If you think I'm a bitch, then I guess it's because I am.
But then I guess you're gonna have to come to terms...
with the fact that you're into a girl who's a bitch.
Well, how do you feel about newspaper dorks?
I'll let you know when I see one.
# And every occasion of
# One brilliant day funeral #
Great. ♪
You know, I better go get Marlon before Kirkpatrick castrates him.
Thanks for the dance, Funky.
# You got to rock to the rhythm with 'em #
# You got to give it to 'em
# Got to give a lot More than the minimum #
# Rock to the rhythm with 'em #
# Got to give it to 'em
# Got to give a lot More, more, more, more #
# Hey, yo, wake up, wake up It's a new day #
# Now, sidestep, right, left flow when I break down #
# How I get down Make 'em all sit down #
# Either that, or I'll have to hurry into strip town #
Hey, douche.
I think that chick just "wink-ed" at me.
- Well, she's not bad. - Yeah, for a pirate.
I'm gonna go spit in the punch.
Hey. You, uh, light on your feet, Funky.
- That's good. - Thanks.
But we notice you're having a problem out there.
I do? What?
♪ It's your hard-on.
Yeah. That close to a girl like her, it's natural.
I didn't realize it was so obvious.
What you're gonna wanna do, okay,
is you tuck that thing into the side of your boxer shorts so it runs down the leg.
That way you can contain it.
It's like getting a stiff rod while you're taking a dump.
A shit boner.
Then you got to jam it into the bowl like it owes you money.
But you don't want to dunk it. It's not a clown. Woop!
But you also don't want to get the peepee on your shirt.
It's a no-win situation.
At ease, gentlemen. Erections or otherwise.
I remember similar conversations with my men...
when we were tracking the towel heads through their tariques.
Pitch-black little spider holes, no wider than a hula hoop.
The... Like the Charlotte... The web.
- The... In... - Do you understand what he's saying?
Fear, Mr. Delacruz. That's what I'm talking about. Fear.
Sí.
Fear is the middle name of war, Mr. Delacruz. I learned that in the Storm.
What is the Storm, sir?
Two hundred and thirteen days in-country. Terrible heat.
The sound of mortar fire day and night ringing in your ears.
The occasional dog exploding.
- Yeah? - But I used to lead men,
men that reminded me of you, Mr. Funky.
- On your feet, son. - Oh.
I wanna thank you for your help in getting those S.A.T.'s back.
Yeah. Don't worry about it.
- I'm sorry for being such a jerk-off. - It's okay.
If I ever catch you chewing that in class, I'll kill you.
- You read me? - Like CliffNotes, sir.
Good. Go out there and have a good time.
How's it feel?
Like I just got punched in the mouth.
My life is over now, dick.
I didn't steal those S.A.T.'s.
Then where were you between 7:45 and 8: 10 that night?
Who the hell do you think you are? Inspector Gadget?
You really think I'd chance everything for a test score?
I'd already gotten into Cornell.
Then why did you take the S.A.T.'s again?
I just wanted to see if I could do better.
Man, you wouldn't know the truth if it were staring you in the face.
Hello, Cornell. Good-bye, motive.
I still thought Paul was an asshole,
but maybe he wasn't the kind of asshole who'd steal the S.A.T.'s.
That sting wasn't my mouth. I was starting to doubt my story.
Well done, Bobby. You got into the Northwestern program.
Wait. One more thing.
Some grad student, Striedel, will be in contact to fact-check the article.
It's just a formality. You're on your way.
Sure I was on my way, to the gallows.
If I didn't set the story straight before the fact-checker found something crooked,
Northwestern would go south,
and then I'd be blacklisted from every paper and college journalism program...
in the country.
And school suspension...
cruel and unusual punishment reserved solely for dangerous offenders.
Rocky was on permanent lockdown...
for doing a custom paint job on Kirkpatrick's car.
I'm gonna need five minutes with Moore.
You got three.
Aren't you supposed to be in homeroom?
- Maybe I got to thinking. - Maybe you should've done that sooner.
Where were you that night?
You think it's that easy?
You think I can just tell you and it's gonna set it all straight?
Take a look around you, Funky.
- I'm screwed now no matter what I say. - Then just tell me the truth.
If you didn't do it, I'm all you got.
And you only got me for one more minute, so spill it.
Come on.
Last year I did some things on the basketball court...
I'm not exactly proud of.
Like what?
Like shaving points. Twice last season.
It was two times too many, and I only did it 'cause I needed the money.
- What for? - It doesn't matter.
When I was approached this year, I turned 'em down.
We had a shot at State. I wasn't gonna mess that up for my senior year.
So this person who approached you,
you think that... that, uh, he may have set you up?
I don't know. Maybe.
Give me his name. What's his name, Moore?
Look, if you don't get cooperative, I can't help you.
- You've got to give me his name now. - Start thinking with your head.
Do you know the amount of power that comes with the presidency?
- Everybody wants a piece of me. - All right. Time's up, Funky.
You're getting the animals all riled up.
What's his name, Moore?
- Look, I said time's up. - Give me his name.
- Come on. - What's his name?
- Freddy Bismark. - Where do I find him? Moore!
Bobby Funky, please report to the office immediately.
- Hello? - Robert Funky?
Hey. Yeah. Well, actually, it's pronounced "Funk."
No, it's not. This is Ben Striedel at Northwestern University.
I'm fact-checking your story here, chief.
- It's not bad. Not exactly good either. - Excuse me?
So I'm gonna need the following from you.
Transcriptions of your interviews, a bibliography,
M.L.A. Style match, your notes, pretty much anything pertaining to the story.
Ah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Sure.
Um, I'm just gonna need some time to get it together.
So can I get your number or something?
No.
What? Hello?
I had to find Freddy Bismark,
and there was one place I knew I could track down even the most elusive characters.
It's freaky, isn't it?
Apparently, they just got results back from the S.A.T.'s.
- Some of our best and brightest bummed it. - Really?
- You see Shamus Finnle over there? - Uh-huh.
His teeth are chattering.
It's probably from the Prylert.
Oh, really? I didn't know that Shamus had A.D.D.
For a reporter, you're really out of the loop.
Half the school is taking Prylert right now...
or Axitol, Ripenol, maybe Faldox.
All just nice words for speed.
If a kid needs a study aid, he'll find a way to get one.
- Shamus Finnle. - It's supply and demand, son.
I found Bobby Bismark where all high school graduates...
go on to live in infamy.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words,
but his senior quote is worth a goddamn encyclopedia.
"Dollar, dollar bills, y'all."
You're not supposed to be looking at that.
It's called study hall because you're supposed to study.
What are you, a cop?
♪
Ah, I'm looking for the business.
♪
And no. No, you cannot pay me back on your meal card.
I need cash. This is a business I'm running.
I know it's your bar mitzvah money, but I have to take it.
You lost the bet.
Yes. I will take... Yes, I'll take a check.
But if it bounces, I'm coming after you.
This is real stuff. You owe me 20 bucks. Good-bye.
Uh, I'm sorry. We're closed for the semester. No more pledges.
I'm here about Paul Moore.
Suck it! Let me explain something to you.
I don't know thing one about Paul Moore.
His name means nothing to me.
I have kids on over half the teams in this district.
And most pill poppers are begging me to throw games.
And if I had to go out and personally frame each one...
that didn't wanna brick a layup for me,
I wouldn't have time to spend the money that I make.
And as you can see, I like spending the money that I make.
I mean, look around. That painting is from the Sixteenth chapel.
That's the first chapel ever.
So, what was the money for?
Oh, my God, I'm gonna slap you in the face.
I don't know. He was having girl problems.
- What's that supposed to mean? - He was having problems with girls. All right?
Come on. For a fellow Friar?
No. Not for a fellow Friar. For you to get the fuck out of here. Okay?
It was some chick from McKinley. That's all I know.
Now, I'll see you, little man.
Don't hurt yourselves.
If Freddy Bismark didn't frame Paul,
then maybe the girl problem was behind it.
- There's the ol' wise guy. - Elliot.
- Those pubes come in yet? - You still eating your mom's dirty tampons?
- Only when I'm hungry. - So as I was saying on the phone,
I managed to implicate our school president in a sordid theft...
and in the process steal his girlfriend.
- So what's the problem? - Bitch.
I'm not sure the guy did it anymore.
Have you ever seen this guy around?
Yeah. That's Valerie's boyfriend.
- You're dating Valerie? - The plot thickens, Elliot.
Oh, I get it, peach fuzz.
You think maybe I got tired of being Paul's little plaything, thought I'd teach him a lesson.
It wasn't like that.
- What... What do you mean? - Paul and I have something real. Okay?
He can be himself around me.
So what was the money for then?
That's got nothing to do with anything.
Look, Valerie,
if Paul's innocent, then you can help him by helping me.
Okay. You ready for the after-school special they call my life?
I owed money to some unpleasant people.
They were ready to collect on me as interest.
Paul wouldn't stand for it.
Someone tells me about Freddy Bismark.
Paul has two off nights.
- My debt goes away. - Paul threw two games for you?
He would've thrown the entire season if I asked him to.
Valerie was another dead end.
If Paul was keeping her a secret,
I wondered what else he was holding back on.
I know some of you kids know...
that I fought in Desert Storm.
And you know why? I fought for you kids,
and I fought for this country and this school,
for St. Donovan's.
It's no joke.
Sometimes... I don't know... I may get carried away.
But I wrote this song last night. Sing it with me.
You can sing it. You can march. Yeah.
Come on, kids. Sing it with me.
# American
# That's what I am
# American
# Fightin' in the sand #
What's going on?
Kirkpatrick's on some school spirit rampage.
- I fought over there. - He canceled a.m. Classes to have a pep rally.
- Yeah. - Merci, Kirkpatrick.
# That's what I am
# American
- # Fighting in the sand, yeah - # American
You can sing if you want! March if you want! # American
# Fighting in the sand
- # American - # That's what I am
# American # We'll make our stand
- # American - # Fighting in the sand
- # American - # That's what I am #
Moore.
Come on. Whoo!
And on that note, St. Donovan's...
Marlon Piazza.
For far too long we've stood as a school divided.
Today, let us stand together.
Let's create a better tomorrow.
As I stand here today, I don't see freshmen or sophomores.
I see Friars!
- Marlon, can you hear me? - It's a paintball, you pussy.
- # To the bottom, dear I had to fall # - This way! This way, children!
# But you really caught me
I'm hit!
# You really caught me, dear at the bottom where I fall #
- Moore! - # Slowly, dear
# I ask would you dance with me #
# Here's the shades down
# The lights off #
I'm gonna go to the vending machine for some pretzels.
Do you want anything from downstairs?
How about a bandage?
Forget it.
- Nurse Platt's phone. - I got word your boy shot some kids.
How does that sit with the facts of your story, I'd like to ask, Funky?
Striedel? How the hell did you...
I have not... yes, yes... have not received your notes on the story, boss.
Well, yeah, I know. I've been doing some-some backtracking to, you know, locate everything.
Backtracking, huh? There was a kid a few years back, said he was doing backtracking.
Turned out he fabricated the whole story to get into the program.
They kicked him out, of course. Blackballed him.
Last I heard, he was working as a pharma- ceutical test subject for carpel tunnel syndrome.
Your story's thin, kid. Do you really think you can pull one over on Ben Striedel?
I want your notes, stat.
Hey.
There's, um, something that I need to tell you.
Not before I get to say thank you.
For what?
For saving my life out there.
It was just a paintball gun.
Yeah, but you didn't know that, did you?
Look, Francesca,
as an ethical journalist and a man who's dedicated to the truth,
I think you should know that your boyfriend was probably...
He's not my boyfriend.
Now, what did you want to tell me?
Nice shooting out there, Mr. Moore.
Another three inches to the left and you would have had a kill shot on me.
You got this all wrong. I didn't steal the S.A.T.'s.
- Anything else? - Yeah. This place sucks!
Oh, you'll be sucking soon enough, Mr. Moore.
# I got the hots for you
They locked Paul away at some undisclosed private institution.
My story put him there. Now it was my job to get him out.
# I got the hots for you
I'll tell you whatever you want to know.
# Here I am
# Looking out on a
# Crystal world #
Meds three times a day.
P.M.W.
Paul Moore Way.
Paul, I need your help.
I know someone framed you for stealing the S.A.T.'s,
but I just don't know who.
Who do you think framed you?
Who set you up? Come on, Paul.
Are you here to take me home?
After three hours,
the only thing I got out of Paul was a sinking feeling in my stomach.
All right, Mitch, we're looking for weapons, obviously,
anything that can kill a student.
Knives, guns, what's not always obvious.
Are you kidding me? You know about the rule about gum!
Raise your arms, please. With the women, you want to use the backs of the hands.
The backs of the hands, Mitch.
Last rule, most important rule. You're gonna wanna fuck 'em.
Do not fuck the students. Do you understand?
The scene of the crime.
Give a lunatic a paintball gun and you'd expect a Jackson Pollack.
But Paul was more precise. Every shot counted.
But for what? Francesca? That's easy. She broke his heart.
Me? I broke the story.
Kirkpatrick, mercy killing.
But what about Alex Schneider, the school treasurer?
What about Marlon and the Mullens?
They were his friends and fellow members of the student council.
If Paul's painting meant something, maybe those guys could explain it to me.
Yo, check it out. It's that slut, Laura Hoffman.
Oh, dude, you don't even want to know what I did to that ass.
Probably the same thing I did to your mom's ass.
Dude, that's mom. Our mom.
Yeah. No. Yo, check it out.
I got this move that I like to call the "operator."
Right? It's when I'm, uh, railing a girl.
Then I reach down and steal her cell phone...
and call up her dad so he can listen to me do her.
Oh, yeah, Daddy. Oh, yes, man.
- Are you lost, freshman? - Son of a bi...
- Why'd he shoot you, Marlon? - He shot you too, didn't he?
- Yeah, but he shot you first. - Hey, you want detention for life, fuck-face?
Hey, Funky, why don't you, uh... why don't you come to my house on Friday?
- I'm gonna have a little party. - No, dude. Come on.
It's okay. I mean, he just wants to ask me some questions, right, for the school paper?
I don't want to get on his bad side. We all saw what happened to Moore.
♪
Funky, you made it.
So this is a party.
Yeah, well, you knew enough to be fashionably late.
Well, no, actually, I had a flat tire, so...
Twenty bucks says that toothpaste doesn't do a goddamn thing.
- I'll fucking smoke it myself. - Smoke it down, bro.
- You want a beer? - I have to get up early for my driver's test.
It's good.
It's like a good brew. It's really... It's really cold.
I'm so gonna corrupt you.
# I'll run away with you
# We can build a gold mine
♪ There's no ball.
- Somebody got a ball? - Yeah. I got a ball.
- Shit. - Oh! Hey, man.
Hey, Marlon, you and Paul Moore have been on the student council together for two years.
- In all that time, did he ever seem like... - Funky.
- Yeah? - It's a party.
Yeah. Funky, you can put this on the record, okay?
Tastes minty.
Tastes like a veal cutlet.
No, man. It like... It's like a baby lamb chop with the, uh... the mint jelly.
Tastes like a joint, you fags.
- Beer pong. Just focus on the cup. - Come on, Funky.
Give me your best shot.
- Oh. - Ooh!
Goal!
Hold this.
# Dial up my number now
# Weaving it through the wire #
# Switch me on
# Turn me up
# Don't want it Baudelaire
# Just glitter lust
# Switch me on
# Turn me up
# I want to touch you
# You're just made for love
# I need la, la, la, la, la, la #
# I need Ooh, la, la, la, la #
# I need la, la la, la, la, la #
# I need Ooh, la, la, la, la #
All right, let's play this game.
♪ I've got winners.
Yo, what do you want us to do with him?
- Take him upstairs. - Tie him up.
I can take another one of those toothpaste cigarettes. Give me one. It was the toothpaste.
I know...
Hey, it's B. Funky.
Take it! Take it like a man!
The little prick told me he was going to a seminar on surveillance technology.
I feel bad for him. He's totally gaga for that cum-dumpster.
A single pussy hair can pull a battleship through the desert.
- Give it up. - Hey.
- What are you guys doing here? - The question is, "What are you doing here?"
I'm just... I'm doing research for the school paper.
Oh, yeah. You're writing a story on Francesca's pink "beav."
No. Seriously.
Listen to me. You need to sink the pink tonight, hermano.
I hope you... # Before, that way you can last.
- Yeah. You don't want to be a premie. - A premie?
- Word gets around. - It's true.
She's used to Paul Moore. That guy can last.
- How do you know? - I just know.
Hey, Funky, listen. After you come,
you're going to hate her, just hate her.
I don't know why, but you will.
- Well, I got to get back. - Yeah, to do the story.
- Right? - Right.
- Dig deep, hermano. - Yeah, balls deep.
See you guys on Monday.
Keep it going. Come on. Give me something. Give me something. Yeah.
- Work with me! - Hey, stranger.
So I wanted to talk to you about a follow-up to your story.
I was thinking, like, maybe an editorial piece on the student council or something.
- Hey, Clara. - Yeah?
It's a party.
Isn't this Marlon's room?
Yeah, well, somebody already passed out in my bed.
Well, then won't he mind that we're in here?
He doesn't care.
Cool planes.
What are you doing with me?
What kind of question is that?
A good one.
Hey, I like you.
I like the way you look at me.
Like it's for real, you know?
Like you don't have to impress anyone.
Like if tomorrow, St. Donovan's would just disappear,
you'd still look at me the way you do.
You get me, Funky.
I tried on, like, 11 shirts before I came over here.
Yeah? Well, you know I don't like it.
I think you need to take it off.
When-When do your parents come home?
My dad's out of town until Tuesday.
- What about your mom? - My mom's dead, Funky.
Sorry.
I want you.
You get me.
Hey, Ashwood, you're pissing yourself.
Fuck.
Funky. Hey, Funky, untie me.
- Cipriato. - Funky!
You're doing considerably better this time around, Mr. Funky.
Thank you.
- What are you doing? - Uh...
Sorry. I just thought that I should, uh, adjust this mirror a smidge.
Safety first.
- That's very good of you, Mr. Funky. - I know.
The Mullens' van. Grass, gas or ass. Nobody rode for free.
What were the good brothers doing up so early?
You know, I think I'm just gonna, um, parallel park here.
I was just gonna have you do that back at the D.M.V. Lot.
Yeah, I know, but this is such a challenging spot.
I'm really feeling it today.
For me, it's all about the aesthetic.
- The aesthetic? - Yeah.
Well, I must say, Mr. Funky, that was some mighty fine parking.
Yeah, that was pretty good, wasn't it?
Two pharmacies in five minutes.
That must have been some case of crabs.
Well, I never thought I'd see the day,
but I'd say you're about to get yourself a driver's license.
- Really? - Really.
It was my license or the scoop. My freedom or the truth.
Woodward and Bernstein. Woodward and Bernstein.
All you have to do is get me back to the D.M.V. In one piece...
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Put your foot on that brake! Come on! Stop the car!
Put your foot on the brake! What are you doing?
Four pharmacies and a dozen traffic violations later,
Alex Schneider and the Mullens were still making the rounds.
So I guess I'll see you next month?
- Get the fuck out. - Fair enough.
My driver's test had posed some new questions.
Fortunately, I knew just the people to help me find the answers.
- This is gonna cost you, you know. - What's going on, Landis.
You're not supposed to do that unless there's a fire.
Can't you see the fire, lamb chop?
It's in my heart.
And it's burning for you.
Where'd you get all those keys?
I'm sleeping with the janitor.
Seriously?
Later, Funky.
I didn't know what I was looking for exactly.
But so far, every clue had one common denominator...
the student council.
# I got crazy cheddar cheese 'cause I'm the dopest M.C. On the planet #
# I'm the one that gave your sister that rash, goddamn it #
# Now everyone in the 616
# Eat a Chinese girl out with a pair of chopsticks, yo... #
- See, man, cut it. Cut it. Look... - What's up?
We're gonna need some beers, man, because I'm not feeling it unless I got my rhyme sauce.
# Make sure it's cold
Yo, yo, yo. Get me some antacid too while you're at it.
I got mad indigestion, bro. Ohh.
- Let's do the show. - No, no, no.
# A wicka, a wicka-wicka one, two, yo #
# Bitches, bitches Fall to your knees #
# Look at my wallet I'm crazy cheddar cheese #
- You guys sound really good in there. - Jesus, Funky!
- What the hell are you doing in my car? - Just a little light reading.
Student council treasury ledger. It's a real page-turner, isn't it?
Money disappears and then reappears. Schneider is a regular Houdini.
- I don't know what you're talking about, Funky. - Sure you do, Marty.
But maybe it's time for you to come clean,
become your own man.
You know what, Funky? You're right.
Try not to get blood on the carpet. My mom will get pissed.
# Say what We make you say what #
# We make you say what
We make you say what #
# You can get fly Get high with me #
# Keep your hands to the sky and keep your eyes on me #
# I'm gonna kick it to your markers. The blind don't see #
♪
Francesca. Hey, pick up. I need to talk to you about Paul.
Did he ever mention anything about Schneider or the Mullens having a drug problem?
Anyway, I'll try you again later, okay?
Um, I love you... I mean, I love hanging out with you.
# Oh, Gertrude
# My anaconda's sore and it needs a massage #
# I love you #
Hey, what's going on?
Didn't you hear?
No.
Here, here. Breathe that in, Funky. Ohh!
The big news was that everyone had to retake the S.A.T.'s.
The stolen tests had been nullified under suspicion of tampering.
But I had my own suspicions to follow. I needed to stay on their tail.
- I needed evidence. I needed photos. Needed... - Hey, Stinky.
I think you need to come home with me.
You know, I'm concerned about the lack of parental supervision at your house.
Oh, yeah? You want to be my daddy?
# Lay on the floor
# It's nice to end
# The day
# And is she gonna go
- Is that a good look? - Uh-huh. You look like a little dinosaur.
# Gonna stay
# Here
# With me
- # I'm gonna sing - I can't see anything right now.
I'm totally blind.
# A thing to hold on to
Paul, the Northwestern program. ♪
Suddenly none of it seemed to matter.
The hole in my side, the one that always kept me hungry, was gone.
Guess that meant I was happy.
♪
You shouldn't have done that.
Funke, frosh, steals tests and pins it on the prez...
- for a bid at Fran's hand. - Son of a bitch!
One thing was clear, Tad Goltz couldn't write for shit.
What the hell is this?
- You tell me. - There's no way that story checks out.
Schneider has been cooking the books.
What does that have to do with Paul Moore?
Nothing. But maybe Moore had nothing to do with the S.A.T.'s in the first place.
Bobby, stop. I really believed in you.
I thought you were one of the few kids in school that didn't need to be popular.
I'm recommending that Tad get your summer scholarship.
What?
I'm late for A.P. English.
Smooth move, Dr. Love.
You actually think I went to all the trouble of stealing the S.A.T.'s...
- just so I could go out with Francesca? - I would.
Francesca and I are in love, Cipriato.
We have something you can't emotionally comprehend yet.
- Ow! - Asshole!
Francesca.
Francesca, it's not true. Goltz is full of shit.
Did Paul steal them or not?
- Well, I don't think so, but that's not... - I trusted you, Funky.
This is bigger than me and you, okay? This is bigger than Paul Moore. This is...
Francesca.
Francesca, look, you got to believe me, okay?
Just...
Hey, look, can I just get the hall pass?
Huh? Huh?
The hall pass.
Huh? Hablo en Espanol.
L- I got to talk to some people.
- Could I just get the hall pass, please? - No. Sit down.
- Please, I need... - Sit down.
Bueno, bueno.
Señor Funky.
- La tarea. - L-I don't have it.
Hmm? Por que no?
? Por que no? Because I'm the only one in this whole class who didn't copy it off Steve!
No me gusta su actitud, Senor Funky.
- Huh? - Yeah, well, no me gusta any of this bullshit!
Father Newell.
Senor Funke.
- Oh. - Senor Funke.
Adios.
Thank God you got me out of there.
You wouldn't believe some of the stuff that I've uncovered.
I don't even know where to start.
Point shaving, theft, embezzling.
- A pharmaceutical drug ring. - Is that gum in your mouth?
There's these pills, right? Half the school...
I just asked you, are you chewing gum?
That's... That's irrelevant. I think there's something really serious going on here.
You seem to be a little foggy as to why I'm here, Mr. Funky.
From what I understand, you've made a mockery of this entire high school.
You seem to think that this is some kind of circus and that I am some kind of clown.
I'm not a f'ing clown.
And I'm not here to bring joy and love...
and light and laughter into your f'ing heart!
Now, I'm going to ask you one more time,
and this time I expect an answer.
Is... that...
gum...
in...
your... mouth?
Is this gum in my mouth?
Is this gum in my mouth? Yeah, it is, actually. It's gum.
It's gum. It's gum! It's gum! It's gum! It's gum! It's gum!
I chew it all the time! 24-7!
I've got a fucking jumbo pack in my pocket right now!
My locker, filled to the brim with gum! No books, just gum!
Now, I am trying to talk to you about matters of the utmost importance here.
And you're... you're talking to me about gum?
# When your love has moved away #
# You must face yourself and you must say #
Bathroom breaks? You get one, right after lunch.
Bring your work in first thing in the morning. # I remember better days #
Which is nice because it gives you the rest of the day to pretty much do whatever.
You get 15 minutes in the yard twice a week.
Mind and body, Funky. Mind and body.
What should I do about Francesca?
Get some good porn, pray that she calls.
# Now that you know it's nowhere #
# What's to stop you coming home # Hello?
- Hello, dickhead. - You have got to be kidding me.
I've got two stories on my desk and one contradicts the living shit out of the other.
Did you really think that you could pull one over on ol' Ben Striedel?
Did you? 'Cause that's wholesale crazy, chief.
I have a 175 I.Q. That means I skipped the third grade.
You don't understand, Striedel. I was framed.
The school treasurer is moving money around to sell drugs.
Oh, that's rich. Now you're gonna frame the treasurer?
Is the class secretary next? What's the money got to do with stolen S.A.T.'s?
Nothing. They're two completely separate things. L...
Let me give you a freebie, kid. Money's got something to do with everything.
That's Investigative Journalism 101.
Follow the money, dipshit. You got till Monday to give me the truth.
# You're not where you belong #
I gonna call a time-out.
Uh, l-3.
- That's a hit! Fuck! - I told you putting it in there was a bad idea.
You stinky, Landy? I put it where you want to put it.
- Oh, that is nice. It's new? - No, it's my mom's.
Connect the dots.
I told you not to line up the ships like that.
It's looks like, uh, Pearl Harbor!
- Puta! - Could you guys just use your library voices?
Sorry. I'm just trying to think.
You can't let Goltz get one up on you, Funky.
That guy is an enormous vagina.
Connect the dots.
Connect them. Come here.
Connect the...
What are you looking at, Funky?
Funky, where you go? These four walls, you just stay. Bounce.
Bing-bing-bing-bing-bing. Like a pinball. That's it. You can't run.
Hey, hall monitor!
♪
Francesca?
♪
Francesca?
- Francesca? # This is This is all I can do #
# It's all I can do And it's all right #
♪
Mathematically, it's a percentage of your life.
Four years. 48 months. 1,461 days.
High school is prom, football games, boyfriends, girlfriends,
party at the rich kid's house, fun, simple, wholesome.
But it's really anything but.
High school might be the least wholesome four years of your life,
and there's nothing simple about it.
High school is ugly, hard and complicated,
as complicated as a conspiracy to assassinate the president.
A conspiracy about to be uncovered.
Alex Schneider and the Mullen brothers...
had been selling prescription drugs since their sophomore year.
The Mullens' dad was an orthopedist with a habit of boning his patients.
When he split with one of them,
the hip doctor left his family his van and a box of prescription pads.
The brothers made due with their inheritance.
# Your booty is the ice I'm the Zamboni #
The Mullens weren't competent enough to run things on their own.
Yo, shit biscuit! These bottles aren't gonna fill themselves.
Initially, the market for academic performance enhancers...
wasn't as ripe as they'd hoped.
So like good businessmen, they created a demand.
They sabotaged tests throughout the school,
targeting the students they knew would fold from the pressure.
If you erase enough bubbles, you can erase a kids future.
It's supply and demand, son.
Business boomed,
so much so that they started dipping into student council funds to use as venture capital.
P. Moore wasn't exactly Alan Greenspan.
But it didn't take an economic genius to figure out...
that hundreds of dollars were being shifted around weekly.
Paul told Marlon what he'd discovered,
said he was gonna put the kibosh on Alex's creative accounting.
Marlon couldn't have that. Things were too good.
He had big plans, and the president was in the way.
He needed Paul out of the picture.
# Yeah, you close my eyes
# Yeah, you close my eyes #
- What's going on, guys? - Funky...
You just don't know when to quit, do you?
Guess not. Gum?
Changing the answers on the S.A.T.'s so you can sell more drugs. It's clever, Marlon.
Twisted, but clever nonetheless.
Should make for a great story.
Bad move, Funky.
Open that window and bring him over.
Okay, here's the real story. Bobby Funky made a few bad decisions,
lost his girlfriend and up and jumped out the window.
- Just another tormented freshman. - I'm a sophomore, dick!
- Throw his ass out. - You won't do it.
Oh, I won't? These sorts of things happen all the time.
There's a lot of pressure here at St. Donovan's.
Throw him out!
Fine. I'll do it myself.
- Hey! Let him go! - Hey, hey! Ahh! Ahh! Calmate.
Put him down! Delicately.
- How'd they know you were here? - I might have made an announcement.
Funky.
Bob Woodward once said that the first rule of good journalism...
is never reveal the story before it goes to print.
But Woodward wasn't in love with Francesca Fachini.
Before I cleared my name with the school, I had to clear it with her.
I had to tell her I'd figured it all out.
# Pick us up
- Turns out, I hadn't. # We're all by ourselves
# The great big howling is
- # About to begin - You played me, Francesca.
- You played Paul. - # A thousand miles from where #
You played the whole damn school.
Look out! Look out! Look out!
I need everybody to file out of this office.
Everybody except you five.
The five of you are in big fucking trouble.
Stay right there. Get out of my way. You too, bonehead.
You'll never understand why I did it.
Nobody's misunderstood, Francesca.
It's just what people say when they don't like who they are.
Bobby, wait.
Forget it, Funky. It's high school.
- # Going on - # Forfeit
- # The shape to fit - # And on
- # The backhand to touch - # Forfeit
- # Is moving on again - # The shape to fit
- # Going on - # Forfeit
- # The shape to fit - # And on
# What's next I'm out of time #
# Losing my touch I can't feel #
# Speak for me Do you see the same signs #
# Do you know how to read between the lines #
# All in all It's all or none #
# All for one What you want #
# Pick us out
# Of a lineup
# Stranded and strange
# Just as innocent as kids
# The found are leaving and they're trying to forget #
# The old world The whole world is #
# Going on # Forfeit
# The shape to fit # And on
# The backhand to touch # Forfeit
# Is moving on again # The shape to fit
# Going on # Forfeit
# The shape to fit # And on
# What's next I'm out of time #
# Losing my touch I can't feel #
# Speak for me Do you see the same signs #
# Do you know how to read between the lines #
# All in all It's all or none #
# All for one What you want #
# Going on and on #
# All the fallen leaves will find their branches again #
# Raindrops from the heavens I'll eventually swim #
# River, an ocean A wave in my heart #
# We got your money Now we'll make a new start. All right #
# All the fallen leaves will find their branches again #
# Raindrops in the heavens I'll eventually swim #
# River, an ocean A wave in my heart #
# We got your money Now we'll make a new start. All right #
# In another week Promise #
# In another year I promise #
# Put your right hand on my heart #
# Heart
# Yeah, all the fallen leaves will find their branches again #
# Raindrops in the heavens I'll eventually swim #
# Bypass the train tracks that lead to my heart #
# We got your money Now we'll make a new start. All right #
# Yeah, all the fallen leaves will find their branches again #
# Raindrops in the heavens I'll eventually swim #
# River, an ocean A wave in my heart #
# We got your money Now we'll make a new start. All right #
# In another week Promise #
# In another year Promise #
# Put your right hand on my heart #
# Heart
# Your right hand on my heart #
# Feel the promise of my beating heart #
# Ohh
# Wow
# All the fallen leaves will find their branches again #
# Raindrops in the heavens I'll eventually swim #
# River, an ocean A wave in my heart #
# We got your money Now we'll make a new start #