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Love is so great that it's almost unreal.
I feel bad for the people who can't find it.
We've all met those types who try to convince their coworkers that they're fine without it.
Then you take a look at their cubicle
and see heart-shaped frames all over their desk
with pictures of their three-legged cat named Bob.
Not me! Not anymore.
I've paid my dues.
Old people always say: "When you meet the one you'll know."
They're right.
When I met Richard,
It felt like...
It felt like the butterflies in my belly dusted off their cobwebs
and started fluttering again.
He was the one, my only one.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
No, no! I don't get it!
Hey, wait!
Are you guys hiring?
Because no one cares about love anymore,
so why don't you just have sex and get paid for it, you know?
Oh, come on! Who cares if my vagina falls off from all the diseases out there?
I'll take some open sores.
Ooooh! Do you want some of this?
Come on! I got what it takes.
No? Okay.
Oh, my God!
I cannot get last night out of my head!
Richard, Richard and that little...
Wait, what was her name?
Oh, yeah. Whore.
Hi, baby. I'm home!
They paid me 200 bucks to take a picture of a pink poodle.
Richard? Is this mushu still good?
Hey, baby.
Come on.
I am sorry.
Because we got it Tuesday and there's pork in it,
I'm gonna... get...
You're late!
I've been waiting. Sit down!
Come on, sit down. Give me your hands.
You are such a lost soul.
You're in pain. Someone hurt you.
Someone ripped your heart out and tried to play badminton with it.
This man who hurt you, he's a dark spirit.
I see blackness all around him!
But wait.
What?
I see a white pony. He stands alone.
His spirit is very bright.
He runs towards you and, and...
And?
Oh, you turn away. I hate that part!
Why do I turn away?
Because you have to learn the lessons
before you can ride the white pony.
White pony?
Can't be a white stallion or somethin'?
No. It's the white pony that you will ride into the sunset.
Only then can you have the happy ending you desire.
But first you have to believe
and you have to learn the lessons that come before.
Lessons? What kind of lessons?
Your own spirit not that bright yet.
It needs its roots but you're close.
First though you must go through more pain
before your heart can find true happiness.
That just sucks!
It only gets worse.
You gotta be kidding me!
What do I look like? A comedian?
If you don't pay attention,
if you don't listen to your inner psychic voice,
if you choose the wrong paths and the wrong situations,
if you think you can just do it all on your own,
if you ignore the signs,
love will never find its way into your heart.
You'll live a lonely, desperate, isolated,
miserable existence.
I would not wanna be you.
Hi.
Hi, Carrie. It's Rebecca.
10: 00.
Why!
I never realized how beautiful it is in the morning.
Birds chirping,
smell of ass on Hollywood Boulevard.
Hey, you wanna start jogging?
Let's jogl
Are you on crack, Rebecca? I'm not jogging!
Please.
Have you seen my boobs lately?
Yeah, they're pretty.
Of course they are! And you know why?
Because I don't fucking jog!
Besides, I have my Animal Kingdom audition in a couple of hours.
Wanna go shopping?
Okay.
He is a jerk, Beck. A cock sucking loser jerk.
Oh, my God. Every time something like this happens,
it makes me seriously wanna consider lesbianism. Ow!
You can't even stand looking at your own vagina.
That's not true. I just had to figure out which department did what.
Hey!
Maybe you can concentrate more on your work now.
I have been concentrating.
It just takes a while to go from sandwich ads and dog shows
to Vanity Fair covers. Doesn't just happen overnight!
Oh! Oh, no!
What?
I left my camera, my lenses, my tripods, my gels. Everything!
I left my future at Richard's.
Oh, no.
No, no way. I'm not going over to his house.
I'm not going to his house! Michelle!
Oh, hell, no!
For real? Ooh, girl!
Yeah, you know I'll get your stuff, girl.
Mm-hm.
No, no, no. I ain't gonna beat his ass.
I can't speak for John, though.
No, that shit would be funny.
I got to go.
What the hell are you doing?
Hot Bacon. Three o'clock.
That's not Bacon. That's Porter House.
Oh, no! He's wearing sneakers!
You can have him.
Fuck that!
I'm not going near that world.
It's gonna be a very long time before Rebecca goes searching for another dick.
The best medicine is to get back out there.
There's nothing wrong with a little gratuitous sex to help mend the pain.
Remember the last time we were all single?
We had sex with every one.
Carrie, Brad Pitt's throbbing cock couldn't help me right now.
Nothing in the world could heal this pain that I'm go...
What?
Do you remember how jealous Richard would get when any guy would go near me?
Hey, baby...
What?
Can I help you?
No!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Pap smear?
Yeah. He would go ape shit.
Exactly!
So, I show up at Richard's fashion show tonight with another guy.
He sees me mauling him and his insides
will get eaten up almost as bad as mine did.
It's the best revenge revenge! How do I look?
Like a summer flower that got rained and stung by a bee.
Go, go, go!
Hi.
I was just sitting over there with my friend
and saw that you were kinda staring at... me?
Yeah, I was staring at you.
What do you do for lunch?
Nothing.
Nothing? Do you like Chinese?
Huh?
Chinese food.
Chicken chow mein, mushu pork, you know.
Mu shu.
You know, if you don't like Chinese, we could always just...
No, no. Uhm, what are you doing tonight?
Do you wanna go to this fashion show with me?
Sweetheart, do you have your Gold card?
I seem to have left mine at home. Who's this?
Oh, I don't know. It's just some bimbo hitting on me?
Come on, hurry that shit up.
Hey, you know, it's not like I do this for a living, you know.
Oh, shit!
What?
I can't even believe you feel for that shit.
Very funny, Michelle.
See how it's done?
That's what I was gonna do.
Ugh!
Look at him thinking lookin' all good and shit.
This is exactly why I don't date models.
I don't see what she saw in the guy.
But it's all over now.
We can all kiss Richard's skank ass good bye.
Now, get the shit and let's go. I gotta call my baby daddy.
Holy shit!
What the hell are you doing?
What's up, dawg?
What?
You got a problem, huh?
You wanna, uh, you wanna dance here?
You wanna take this outside? Huh?
What's up?
Just get the hell out of here.
You screwed up, man.
You had a rose but you had to go and pluck a weed.
And then to make things even worse you go and fuck up all the camera equipment?
What kind of sick bastard are you?
That was her whole life, you asshole!
She sucked at it, anyway.
Huh!
You and me, buddy.
You and me!
When?
Some day.
What up, dick?
Just a little warning.
That ain't mud on your bed.
Let's go.
We're giving nonstop excitement.
Thanks for coming with me.
I told you you'd have better luck here.
It can be that hard to find one normal guy in this town just to use one night.
It's not hard at all. They're begging to get used. That last guy was a fluke.
Who the fuck would ask some one out
with their wife shopping two feet away?
I don't get it, Carrie.
I mean, I gave my heart to Richard.
What made him feel the need to have another woman?
Well, that's easy. Penis insecurity.
When the penis doesn't get enough showmanship,
it has to remind itself that it's still an almighty tool
and that it could make any woman moan.
One when it got used to like yours but one from uncharted waters.
Carrie Winters?
Right here, honey! Wish me luck.
Good luck.
How're you doing?
I'm Mike.
You're so gonna get this part.
Oh! I'm not an actress.
What?
You're so hot!
You're like smoking hot.
You're like hot air popcorn pumper hot.
Thank you.
Like hotter than exhaust hot.
Hotter than a devil's pitch fork hot.
What's that smell?
I don't smell anything.
It's totally doing something to me.
And what is that?
It's coming from you.
What is that beautiful scent you've got on?
Deodorant?
To me it smells like... obsession!
Hey, baby.
You smell so hot.
Here at the Animal Kingdom we bring you non-stop excitement.
In a world filled with lions and tigers and bears...
oh my, we bring you all of the fun without any of the danger.
Well, maybe a little bit of the danger.
So hold on to your seats every one
because we're gonna bring you heart stopping, claw biting,
family action fun!
That was just wonderful!
Really? Right on!
How long have you been in the business?
Longer than you can scream arghhhhh!
Oh, she... You're a feisty little one.
Hey, are you guys single, by any chance?
As... as a matter of fact we... we both are.
Really? I'll be right back.
Rebecca! Come on in here. They wanna meet you.
No, no. No, I don't want to.
Just get your ass in here. Hurry up!
Now!
Rebecca, I'd like you to meet our dates for tonight.
Why, why, why why?
Excuse me!
The least you could do is thank me!
For what?
We have dates!
Yeah, with two guys that are one chromosome away from being Woody Allen.
Woody is hot and you know it.
Remember in White men can't jump when they were playing basketball?
And he took off his shirt
and he looked all golden like the sunset rising up...
What are you talking about? I said Woody Allen!
Ooh! Who is he?
Listen to me, Crissy Snow,
if Richard gets one good look at this mug I'm with,
he'll piss in his pants.
No jealousy, my friend. Just laughter.
I figured it out for you, Janet Woods.
When Richard comes down that catwalk, I'm gonna shout out to him.
When he looks down you grab Milo
and you put his head between your breasts.
He won't see that mug, just a man nestling in your bosoms.
Not bad.
I'm going, okay?
Sorry, sorry.
I don't understand why we gotta be running this shit.
Because Beck left a note that said, "Save me, it's an emergency.
Love. Annie Hall."
This shit never be starting on time.
Excuse me.
Hold on. Just have to wait. Way too crowded in there.
Wait for someone to come out.
Oh, hell, dodgy, you know who I am?
Huh?
The small-time crooks are looking more like Cheech and Chong.
Wow! Look at the beautiful shiksas.
Very beautiful shiksas.
So how was I today?
You were great.
Will you be my bubbela?
Ooh, sorry.
I can do wonders for you baby. Mm-hm.
Is that so?
Yeah, that is so. That's right.
I'm gonna make you cry like a little baby right now.
Uh-huh.
Let me get all up in that shit.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, baby.
Hey, ya!
Who thinks you're cute? I do.
You wanna take me home?
No.
Is it 'cause I'm too tall?
I've got a ladder with your name on it!
No.
It's 'cause you think I'm ugly?
No.
It's 'cause you're gay? Oh, impotent?
No!
Is it 'cause you just don't understand the vagina?
I'll be happy to draw a chart.
Carrie, can you just pay attention, all right? 'Cause he's coming down.
Hey, Richard!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Why this shit happens to me?
He's the one that let his dick go in the wrong fucking hole!
It's not fair!
I'm the one that's humiliated all the time!
I mean, it's not fair. Humiliation right on my face?
Girl!
Are you crazy?
Your big old titty is hanging out.
Fuck it!
Just fucking globs of fat!
That girl crazy.
You know, you're wasting water.
But we really have to get out of here,
'cause there's this giant woman that's gonna come chasing after me
any second from now. I'm serious.
You wanna go get some ice cream?
Tell me I don't smell like puke anymore.
You don't smell like puke anymore.
You're a bad liar.
What can I get you two?
I'll have the " I just got dumped" sundae.
I don't think that's on the menu, dear.
Then make me the best sundae you could possibly imagine
that would take away every painful experience
that any man ever did you wrong.
You know what I think?
What do you think, John?
I think everything happens for a reason.
Oh, God!
Please, don't give me any of that spiritual crap.
Heard it from a psychic this morning.
The best I'm ever gonna find is a white pony.
And to tell you the truth I'd settle for a brown donkey.
You know what? Maybe that's your problem.
You just keep on settling for these idiots.
I have known you for so long and every single day
you teach me how to be a better person.
But for whatever reason you will not let someone love you
the way you deserve to be loved.
And how should I be loved, John?
Thank you!
I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
God, you're such an idiot! You just gotta fucking say it, John.
Just say the fucking words.
Say it out loud, okay?
Rebecca, you should be loved like no one else in this world.
You should smile every day
knowing that every morsel of your being is being nourished by a man
that will do anything he can to make Rebecca happy.
Me, Rebecca. I love you.
The way you should be loved
is to be loved by me.
See that? There you go.
It's good!
That was beautiful.
Thanks.
Rebecca, there's something I gotta tell you.
If you tell me that you're dying of a terminal illness,
I swear to God I'm gonna kill myself.
I'm not dying.
Oh, thank God.
What is it?
Richard destroyed all your camera equipment.
What?
When I went to your place to pick up all your stuff,
your equipment was in the corner and he just... he ruined it.
I'm sorry.
What am I gonna do?
I'm not gonna be able to work. I can't afford to buy a new equipment.
It'll be fine. I'll... I'll pawn one of my guitars and...
No! No, John.
You've been collecting those things since Keanu Reeves started his first band.
Just forget it.
It's useless. I have no future.
I have no future.
No. Rebecca, wha...
What if your future is sitting right next to you, huh?
Maybe the person sitting right next to you
wants to spend their entire life making Rebecca happy.
You know, stop drowning yourself in this dark pit and pick yourself up
and realize that the person sitting next to you
might just be your entire existence.
Please, take a chance for once.
Excuse me.
Yes?
Are you by chance my future?
Yes, I believe I am.
What do you think? Shall I go for it?
All right. Wish me luck.
What's your name?
Rebecca.
Can I have one "I'm a complete dumb ass pussy" sundae, please?
Are you sure this is ecstasy?
Definitely. Without a doubt.
It's even mildly laced with acid.
Huh?
Do you like to experiment sexually?
What do you mean?
You know... try new things.
Not, not really.
Good.
I can't wait to teach you.
Shhhhh!
Now, count to 30 and come into the bedroom.
Okay.
If this is my future,
I pray a large piano falls from the sky and hits me right now.
Why can't drug hallucinations be real?
Shit's starting to kick.
What the hell, Rebecca. Let's have some fun.
Time to go fishing, baby.
Touch my bass, Rebecca.
Touch my bass!
Touch my fucking bass!
Please, touch my bass.
She look dead.
She's not dead.
How do you know?
'Cause she'd be blue.
Hey, girl, you still with us?
Ooooh! She smells like fish.
Oh, my God.
Did you sleep with Charlie the tuna last night
or do you need to douche?
Just leave me alone.
Take your time. Nobody wanna smell that.
Mm-hm.
Rebecca, I got you some food.
Huh?
What in the hell are you doing?
I knew that should wake you up, girl.
You've been sleeping for three days.
I was not sleeping.
I was thinking.
Well, you might think better when you don't smell like a dead fish.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't ever say that word again.
Okay.
Well, I'm gonna cook some frozen food.
I can make you a fish stick.
Shut up!
Oh, shit.
What now?
Aunt Flo came early this month.
Well, girl, at least you ain't pregnant and shit. You know what I'm saying?
Would you have helped her with the baby?
I don't know. Would you?
Babies are sticky.
Well, at least she can get some food stamps or somethin'.
Yeah, 'cause you know Richard would've done nothing to help the baby.
Will you guys shut up?
You need to tell me with the two of you living here
you don't have one tampon in the house?
No. We're out.
Can you go buy me some?
I got no money.
Just forget it.
What do you mean I have herpes? That's not possible!
I've only slept with one guy in my entire life.
People like me don't get diseases.
People like you get herpes all the time.
It's the naive ones who think it can't happen to them.
But doctor I...
I can't live with this.
You won't have to. It's called Herpes Away.
It's a creamy little ointment without any deadly side effects.
Take once a day to avoid outbreaks.
This is amazing.
I can't wait to tell my friends all about it!
Just stop.
What's wrong?
I'm not believing a word you're saying!
That's 'cause I'm acting.
I mean, I see quite a few things on your resume,
and I think how could anybody have ever hired you?
And It dawns on me. I bet every time you did get hired
it was always by a man.
You need to pay your dues in acting, not with men!
You don't know what you're talking about.
I hope one day you do know what I'm talking about.
Yeah?
Well, I hate to rain on your parade, lady,
but this shit doesn't work.
What's for dinner?
We've got a special on ground chuck today, ladies.
You can't go wrong with meat.
Oh, shit.
Oh, no!
Shit.
Hello?
Hello. Please, please hurry up. It's an emergency.
This is an emergency, too, sweetheart.
Herb, we're gonna clean up on aisle two.
Oh, help. I've fallen!
Oh, and I'm bleeding! Oh, no!
Oh!
Herb, we're gonna clean up.
Oh, shit!
Herb, we're gonna clean up.
No. Thanks, Herb, I've got it covered!
When they were in the bag, they were $1.99.
Well, I can't ring them up unless they're in the bag.
There's no bag. This is all that's left, okay?
I already told you if they're not in the bag, I can't ring them up.
Listen, sweetheart, we're both girls, okay?
Just give me a break.
The longer I stand here, the more Herb's gonna have to clean up.
Well, that seems to be your problem, not mine.
No, please.
Herb, we got a price check, please, on the super size maxi pads
for the woman who keeps bleeding all over the store.
Stop her!
Come back here. Come back here!
Gonna get you, lady.
Hey, Beck. How is it going? What have you got there?
Nothing.
His body is ridiculous.
So, when are you going to see him again?
Tonight. He's taking me to the Tantra Grill.
You're so lucky to be dating a model.
He's not just a model, Lilly. He's fucking Richard Huntington, the top model.
And he just landed three commercials. That's huge!
Wow! Maybe I'll catch up with a drink after dinner.
You can't.
Why not?
'Cause after dinner I'm gonna fuck the shit out of him.
Do you think maybe you can put me up with one of his friends?
Uhm, no.
You a cyclist or just play for the other team?
Why? 'Cause I'm waxing my legs?
You know, I get real, real nosy sometimes.
I like to know everything, you know.
What you need to do is wax that ass.
I'm actually a magician.
I'm doing an underwater trick on the tonight show next week
and I can't have any hair on my legs.
Oh, that's cool, that's real dope.
Where are you from?
I flew in from Chicago actually.
Hey! What you doing tonight?
'Cause I would love to hook you up my girl, you know what I'm saying?
She's been through a lot of shit, you know.
Take her out to dinner and make her feel real good.
That could be fun.
That could be real nice. She need to get out real, real bad,
you know what I'm saying? She's been through some shit.
Well, she sounds great.
Oh, no, no, no. I didn't mean for her to sound like that.
She is a super cool Barbie doll that just got dumped by Ken.
But she's cool, she's a good girl. You know what I'm saying?
Is there, uhm, some place, you know, cool
that you recommend that I could take her?
Uh,
You know, I was thinking maybe you could take her to the Tantra Grill.
Around 8:00. Don't be late 'cause I'll beat your ass.
Anything else?
Pay me 40 bucks for the wax
and 20 bucks 'cause I look good.
Ooh.
Here you go. Keep the change.
Yo, this is only a dollar.
Oh!
Look again.
Hey! Wooh baby! That's my boy!
It's magic.
"You will experience the tingling sensation
"as the fatty acids and fruit enzymes
replenish the nutrients in your skin."
Hi, how are you?
Tom, is it? I'm Rebecca.
You're a magician, huh? That's cool.
This? Oh, it's syphilis.
I caught it in prison.
Where are you going?
"Remove with one smooth motion."
Okay.
Ouch!
Uh... uh!
Uh!
Oh, my God!
One, two... three!
Oh, for crying out loud, Rebecca,
revenge is not the solution.
I'll be fine... I think.
And now you have lost your fiance.
You're not gonna have kids until you're 50
Ma, we were never engaged!
That is just great to hear.
You have been living with this man for two years
You need to find a good catholic boy.
What about that nice fellow that works for you?
Who, John?
See? He's even named after one of the disciples.
Ma, I am so not his type.
So, what are you gonna do with your life now?
Shoot up some heroine and become a sex slave.
Oh, for Pete's sakes!
Ma, did you hear that?
Hear what?
Oh, mercy!
Ha!
Come on!
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Okay, now I gotta zip.
Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Fuck!
Come on, please!
Okay, okay. Just one more thing.
Just let me button up. I swear to God I'll be good, okay?
Here we go God. One, two, three.
Come on.
Okay.
Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck you.
Puff The magic dragon is in the house.
Do you think he can magically make my ass smaller?
Carrie didn't tell me that her jeans were size negative four.
They're baggy on me. Don't let your big ass deter you from your mission.
We want Richard to eat his heart out.
Oh, he will.
Two of hearts.
Oh, my God!
You want a beer?
Yeah. Thanks.
You're welcome.
Magic, huh?
Yeah.
Hi.
I'm Rebecca.
You are gorgeous.
I'm lucky!
Oh! Okay.
Oh, isn't that nice?
I'll go put these in invisible water.
Are you ready?
Okay.
Hey, what's invisible water?
I don't know.
So, Michelle told me you've been having a tough time lately.
Yeah, yeah. But I'd really rather not talk about it.
I'm trying to forget about it for like a whole ten minutes.
I hope I can help.
Me, too. I crave distraction right now.
Really? Huh!
Why don't you look under the table?
Uhm... there's a fucking bird under the table.
Why don't you look again?
I swear to God there was a bird a second ago.
It's magic.
Oh.
Uhm... I'm really hungry. Can we maybe call the waiter over here
so we can order some food or I'm going to start gnawing on the tablecloth?
No problem.
Oh, do you have a headache?
Shhhhhh. I'm psychically calling our waiter.
Are we ready to order?
Es ma'gico!
Would you care to hear the specials?
Sure.
We have a fettuccine that is out of this world
bathed in white clam sauce.
And we have a fantastic rabbit.
Rabbit!
I love rabbit.
I'll have the rabbit. Well done, please.
And a bottle of your best chardonnay.
She'll have salad and a water.
Certainly. Very good.
I hope my rabbit doesn't eat your salad.
Sorry.
Will you excuse me? I have to use the little girls' room.
Oh, come on.
Please!
Where did he get that shirt?
The skank.
She's pretty.
Why do exes look better when they're active?
Why am I talking to myself in the mirror?
Well then shut up.
Why did the blonde jumped off the building?
To see if the maxi pad had wings.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Hi.
Wow!
You look even more beautiful.
What? Huh? No, thank you.
Oh, no, no. I didn't ask you anything.
I said that you look even more beautiful.
Oh! You made this into a flower. That's so sweet.
No, no, no. That wasn't me. That was the waiter.
Oh.
So, beautiful,
where would you like to go after this?
Why don't we figure that out later?
Right now I just wanna sit in this chair and stay put.
Or maybe not.
You weigh 125 pounds, right?
No!
I'm 115.
125.
Here we are.
A beautiful salad for a delightful lady.
And the rabbit.
Rabbit!
Excuse me.
Can you send a blue fucker on the rocks to that guy in the corner?
Uh, mm-hm.
I'll go first.
Oh! I didn't know we were taking turns.
Let's see. Your beauty is like a magic spell.
So mysterious and tricky.
Can make an angel lose his wings.
Where's my wing? Where's my wing?
But conquer any dragon.
I hope you let me look inside because I'd really love to taste your treasure.
Well, my treasure is under construction right now, so.
Oh!
Now you.
Okay, uhm,
Excuse me, sir. A blue fucker.
Compliments of the young lady over there.
Who's that?
Your love spell has worked so well
that it has taken control over my body
and making me do things I would never do in my life.
Oooh!
Oh, shit! I'm sorry.
No, no, don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it. I got it, I got it.
No, no. Tom, Tom, Tom. It's fine. No, sit down.
No, no, no, no. It's fine.
I swear, don't worry about it. No, no, no.
Guess what? It ain't magic.
And the wizard says to the little boy,
"You can't do magic with your bare hands.
You need a magical wand." Ding!
Will you shut up!
Stop it!
What the hell is your problem?
Do you realize you could have killed somebody?
First of all top of the morning, sen~or.
I'm sorry, officer. There was actually a big bee in the car.
And I'm allergic.
A bee?
Sir, I'm gonna ask to search your vehicle.
Could you please pop the trunk for me?
Sure.
Pop!
There you go!
So, what do we got?
A couple of smart-asses.
Whoa.
We got ourselves a couple of bombers.
Sure shit do.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Don't worry. Follow my lead.
Don't move!
You wanna tell me about what you got in the trunk?
Yeah. I'm a magician.
I didn't know magicians carried C4.
What the hell is C4?
C4 is actually a very powerful explosive.
Explosive! Are you out of your mind?
Wait, of course you are.
I can explain.
I'm doing a big underwater trick on The Tonight Show.
And there's a big explosion at the end. That's all.
That's it, all right. Out of the car.
Step out of the car. You're under arrest.
I'm gonna write a letter.
Turn around. Hands behind your back.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
You know the rest.
This is a big misunderstanding. We're gonna be fine.
They're not gonna do nothing to us.
I need you to both remove all of your garments, please.
Uhm,
can we both do this separately? I mean, I hardly know this guy.
Yeah. Well, that's what they all say.
She doesn't feel comfortable taking off her clothes. Maybe we should...
Either you do it
or I do it for you.
Okay.
You're almost there.
Please.
Please, I am begging you. Please!
Let me do this some place else.
What is that? A mattress?
All right. It's your turn, sir.
Let's go.
Well, I won't be giving her the cavity search,
so... it looks like it's your lucky day, bastard.
Drop 'em.
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
I was saving this trick for later.
Magic!
Hi.
Can I ask you something?
I'm not going anywhere.
What made you get into your... profession?
I found my boyfriend fucking another girl.
That's it, that's it. I knew it.
I'm joining your posse!
I just need to get away from all this pain!
You know what I realize?
Some times you just gotta face the music and move on.
Blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, right lady.
"The hardest love to learn is that which is dark.
"The kind that causes the most pain.
"It is up to the soul to look past that dirty love
"and regain the beauty that illuminated so bright before.
Pure love."
Yeah, right.
My white pony is probably in a glue factory by now.
Listen, I... I had to sleep with a 70-year old man for two years
to get that ring.
You should have kept your legs together.
You are an asshole.
You're a slut!
I'm aware of that but it's three karats.
Hi!
What have you got for me?
A 1968 Martin V 18.
A... a '59 Gretch Duo Jet. A '59 Country Western
and a... a 66 Khoner.
The '66 Khoner, can I see it, please?
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Do you like it?
I cannot believe my eyes.
This is the very guitar I played for my wife at our wedding.
Are you sure it was that very guitar?
Yes. You see this?
R is Rajul, me.
M is for Moronah, my wife.
I... I always wondered what that meant.
That's... it's pretty amazing, huh?
No, no. It was meant to be.
I always knew it would come back to me.
How much do you want for it?
Name your price.
The others you can keep. I have no need for them.
$3,000?
Done.
Wait. Wait.
Here's another $500.
Thank you for taking such good care of it.
You are very, very welcome. Thank, thank you.
All right. Uhm,
good day.
What are you doing?
I'm practicing. Gosh!
For what?
It's a new kind of mating call I read in some onion newspaper.
It subconsciously attracts men to women.
By making your nose squeak?
Yeah. Why do you think I had so many dates this week?
'Cause you were a ho?
Hey, John will drive us tonight, right?
No doubt.
Oh, my God! Look at this. Look!
Why does it have to go here and not my boobs?
What you need to do is get your titties done like me.
I might be hungry but I look good!
I think I'm leaning on one of your boobs.
I can't wait to see this band play.
Yeah. Well, just don't puke all over the mosh pit and you should be pretty good.
Oh, my God. I totally forgot about that.
Some asshole slipped me a mickey.
That was your boyfriend, Carrie.
Holy shit, you're right!
It's all coming back to me now.
He kept wanting me to go in his van.
You have to be more careful on who you pick up.
Why do you think I stopped dating grips?
I caught him pretty quick and they have absolutely no say on the casting process.
You've been going at this for six years now.
It probably wouldn't hurt to get in some acting classes.
Nah. I don't like how they want you to go deep inside yourself and think.
Hurts my head all that. Find your inner child.
My inner child is a dark muddy tunnel.
I don't wanna step foot in it.
What I can tell you from experience,
once you face the music, you just might see that light at the end of the tunnel.
Honey, my light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
Oh, let's go, people!
Who's the best designated driver in the whole world?
John is!
Wow, I feel really buzzed.
That's 'cause I put yak in your drink.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh, look at these girls. They're chickies.
Hi.
Hey, man, are you, are you gay?
No.
Oh, man, you gotta be gay. 'Cause that's the only way a hot chicks like that
would be sitting with a twinky like you.
Hey, pork chop.
Yeah.
You're just a bit jealous,
because you pump so many steroids into your body
that your dicks have completely shriveled up.
Now him, on the other hand.
She's right.
He's always hard and makes me wet all day long.
He can tear that ass up. You know what I'm saying?
All up in it donkey-style.
No. Let's go, man. Let's go.
That was awesome.
I think I got one of his oily chest hairs in my mouth.
Rebecca, I can stick up for myself sometimes, you know.
I know. Just helping out a friend, that's all.
You know, you're kinda cute when you get turned on.
I was not turned on.
I beg to differ.
Well, what do you expect?
I'm just saying, you know. I'm impressed.
See me in the shower.
Is that an invitation?
I'm drunk.
Come on!
Here's to the men that we love.
Here's to the men that love us.
But the men that we love will never love us
so fuck all the men. Here's to us!
Word!
Oh, God! I can't believe he's here.
Who?
Robert Rodale.
That guy is probably the worst director
on the face of the planet. I've seen every single one of his films.
By now he's doing his 100 million dollar piece of crap
called Night vision.
It's about some guy who can see in the dark or something.
Who really cares?
When does he start shooting?
I don't know.
Okay, Carrie, here we go.
Ha!
Perfect.
That girl never ceases to amaze me.
I don't believe it.
You need to believe it 'cause I live with her.
No, no, Richard's here.
Why do people have to bump into their exes when we get past them?
Can't they just die after we're done with them?
Do you want me to go ask him to leave?
No. No. No. Thanks, doll.
I'm just gonna deal with this the only way I know how.
Becca, maybe you should just slow...
Oh, poo-poo on you.
I wanna dance. Come on.
John, is that you?
I knew we were totally meant to be together.
Come on, girl, let's drop it like it's hot. Come on.
You wanna drop it like it's hot? Come here!
You believe in destiny?
I used to.
Wow, really?
I was always thinking about becoming a scientologist.
They're always famous, you know.
Is there like an audition or something?
I could do a monologue from Ron L. Hubbart.
Why?
You're right. She does look better from a distance.
I don't know why.
Why don't you just leave us alone?
No, I think you do know why.
Because the night before you did this, we looked at each other
and said that we would always be together.
And I believed you.
This was over a long time ago, Rebecca.
You just weren't giving me what it was what I needed.
And what was that? Gonorrhea?
Sh, sh.
Get over yourself, Rebecca. Okay?
I don't give a shit about you.
I don't know if I ever did.
Why don't you just get the fuck away from us, huh?
You see? I told you.
You and me. You and me.
Hi. That was so hot.
Rebecca!
Fuck!
Excuse me!
Yeah?
Do you wanna have sex?
What?
I'm totally gonna have sex with you.
What do I gotta do?
Nothing. I mean, you can try a cheesy line on me but why bother.
What I'm telling you is no matter what you do you're gonna get laid.
I don't get it!
But you're going to.
Let's go.
Can I buy you a drink?
I don't know. Can you?
I was thinking about getting my boobs done.
But then I decided not to.
You wouldn't be able to see my inner beauty.
I would just be like every other manufactured Barbie doll in this town.
Just seeking constant attention from every one.
Hey... are you listening to me?
I wouldn't let a plastic surgeon go near.
I wouldn't go that far.
I could have my nose done and I could have collagen put in my lips.
And you can be damn sure when I turn 35, I'm getting the full face pull.
Hey, baby.
Where have you been?
Right here waiting for you.
Who's she?
Just some skank who wants in my movie.
Hey asshole, I heard that.
Good!
You know, one day I'm gonna be big
and you'll be sorry.
Sure, sweetheart. From your lips to God's ears.
So why don't you go find another dick to suck?
'Cause my movie is cast.
You know what?
It's guys like you that make girls think
they have to play your tickle my dick game
to get anywhere in this fucking town.
Not anymore.
In fact, why don't you take care of your own pencil dick
and give the new girls in this town a little bit of time
to show their stuff before you rape them of any chance they've got.
There're some people over for an after-hour. You're welcome to join us.
What? Your mommy out of town?
That's funny.
So,
you good in bed?
'Cause if you're gonna point and shoot,
then I ain't interested.
You see, a woman needs some warm up, you know.
Some pregame. You know what I'm saying?
You know you're white, right?
Don't you ever call me that.
You're kinda cute for a white boy.
Hey, Michelle, let's get out of here.
I was gonna go to this...
No, let's just go.
All right. I gotta go.
That's cool. I'll see you later.
What the fuck was that, you fucking pussy? You let her get away?
I was onstage with a fucking girl. I was gonna fuck her!
You like what I'm doing, baby?
Yeah, just don't talk.
What the hell? Ouch!
It's not bubble gum. You don't chew it.
Sorry. I... I can, I can do it better.
No. No.
I can't do this.
This is so stupid. I'm not gonna sleep with you.
Come on! Just give me another chance.
It's not you, it's me.
Why the hell the chicks always say that?
I don't know. Hormones, morals, 12 years of catholic school.
All right.
Can we see each other again?
I don't wanna see anybody for a while.
At least till I know it's right.
But let me give you a tip.
Buy yourself a mango, cut it in half and practice.
What's wrong with girls?
Why do we feel the need to sleep with someone for revenge?
I don't know how we let guys make us feel this way.
We're supposed to be spiritually stronger than men,
yet I feel like we are so much weaker.
I don't know. Maybe we do it because we need to feel wanted.
Maybe it's just to fill that deep dark hole
to make some of that pain go away. A little company.
Or maybe it's okay to just take time and go through things alone.
God! Why does love have to be so cruel?
Why did you do this, John?
I did it 'cause...
Becca, you're the most beautiful girl in the world
and when you are happy you face lights up so much
and I hated seeing you unhappy.
And I knew that if I got you this stuff,
your world would come together and would, and would make your life better
and... you deserve the best life in the world.
I can't.
I can't do this.
No.
It just won't work.
Why?
I'm sorry.
John!
John.
Please, John, just get in the car. I'm begging you.
Listen, I never meant to hurt you.
I've been through so much
that... I just can't handle being in a relationship right now.
Rebecca, do you know that I've been in love with you
since the very first moment I saw you?
I really thought that if I was patient,
things would just work itself out, and I sat there and I watched.
When it just seemed like you'd rather be with someone who treated you like shit
than someone who really fucking cared about you!
Here I am, Rebecca. Here I am.
You know, I'm putting my heart on the line here
and you don't seem to care at all.
I do... I do.
Why?
Forget it.
You know? I think I'd really rather take the bus.
I'm scared.
Fuck!
Pony.
White pony.
You're my white pony.
I guess what we're supposed to do is find someone whose soul illuminates as bright as yours.
To grow with in all the right ways.
John, you're my white pony. Yeah!
Stop the bus. Hey!
Stop the bus!
Becca!
Are you all right?
John.
You're my white pony!
Once you let go of dirty love,
your heart can open up to the highest love of all... pure love.
The kind of love you've waited your whole life for.
Just fucking globs of that!
That's good.
That was beautiful.
Thanks.
I got to go.
Take once a day to avoid outbreaks.
This is amazing.
I can't wait to tell my friends all about it.
Es ma'gico.
Touch my bass.
Touch my fucking bass.
Yeah?