♪ The beat takes then I start rockin' ♪
Ah!
♪ The beat takes then I start rockin' ♪
♪ Go, go ♪
♪ so what you know about that ♪
♪ I make the party crack ♪
who doesn't love thanksgiving break?
Me, Tori Gillespie.
Or, as everyone in high school used to call me...
Whorie, whorie, whorie!
That nickname was meant to be ironic, by the way,
although I did have sex with a zucchini once,
so I guess that was kind of slutty.
Needless to say, high school fucking sucked.
But here's the thing about high school...
It ends.
And you get to go to college,
where no one knows that you were a bed-wetter till 14,
or that you broke your own hymen with a baby carrot.
Only problem is, when the holidays roll around,
you still have to go home.
Hi!
I missed you so much.
The alleghany railroad authority
welcomes you to pittsburgh.
Your train from new york...
I texted you on my new phone!
Look at my sign!
Want to switch lives?
I'd rather eat my own shit.
And I do!
This is shit up in here.
And yet I'm still jealous of you.
Where is she?
Yay!
I'm so happy you're home.
Yep, it's still you!
Unfortunately.
I can't wait to stay up all night
gossiping about northwestern boys.
Or girls. We don't judge.
Just don't talk details.
It gives your mother nightmares.
Nightmares, it gives me nightmares.
Also, I have some huge news.
Oh, what, my train crashed and I'm actually in hell right now?
Gil and I are getting married!
Ah!
Are you looking at it?
Yeah, I'm looking at it.
Is it beautiful?
Shit, this is why I'm glad my family dead.
Ah! Scott!
Fucking look at me!
Ow!
Oh, I missed you so much, boo.
Hey, maybe we should do this,
I don't know, somewhere a little more private?
Ugh!
You are a fucking genius!
Ah!
I was actually thinking maybe more like my place.
Shh, public sex is way in right now.
It's the second most searched term on YouPorn,
right under "brother sister stuff."
Shit!
Here, hold my invisalign.
Oh, my God.
It's a glory hole.
I've only seen these in Gay Porn!
Why are you watching Gay Porn?
Wee!
Who are you, fucking spider-man?
Gimme your dick!
Uh, I don't know if I really want to.
You oddly resemble
the alice in wonderland cat right now.
Ugh, stop being such a pussy,
and give me your dick.
It's like the wall's eating my penis.
What the hell is wrong with these people?
I know.
Some motherfuckers are so disgusting.
Oh, dear god.
Oh, here it comes.
Are you crying?
I'm sorry.
I didn't know how hard this was gonna be.
Oh.
Well, do you want to just, like...
Parkour back over and finish me off in here?
No, no.
I really wanted there to be a wall between us
when I said this.
What are you...
what are you trying to say?
I'm sorry, scott.
It's over.
What?
Okay, like, this is super awkward, but...
Could you put my invisalign back in?
Seewell high school wishes you a happy thanksgiving break.
Be good people.
Make good choices.
And I was like, "that's the last time
I'm ever having sex with the cafeteria lady again."
Bye, gross, stupid fucking bitch!
Kidding. Not really.
Janie, is that you?
Joel.
What are you doing here?
Huh, nothing much.
Just visiting the old stomping grounds.
So are the rumors true?
I hear you've turned into quite the pimp at cornell.
You follow my tumblr?
No.
Well, you should.
I post a lot of blogs
about my wild adventures,
or, as I titled them,
"#assventures."
So...
That sounds kind of gay.
I disagree.
Well, welcome home, Joel.
I'll see you around.
Hey, I'm gonna be helping your dad out
at the vinyl vault this weekend,
if you want to stop by.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, man, it's gonna be tough
to box up that whole place by monday, you know?
Why are you boxing it up?
'Cause your dad is closing it down,
which I'm guessing
he wanted to tell you himself.
Hell yeah, I think that went well.
♪ Ooh, you're fixin' my hair ♪
I can see that you've read them.
Well, I see college hasn't altered
your sophisticated eating habits any.
Not now, dad.
Hey, what do you say we check out
this surrealist photography exhibit
at the art museum this weekend?
I'd say I'm su-really not in the mood right now.
So, no.
Want to talk about it?
What the hell, dad?
You're closing the store?
What?
The vault's an institution.
I was gonna tell you guys about that this weekend.
Yet you told joel before us.
Joel's my best employee.
He's easy to talk to.
Kind of soothing,
like a woman.
Are we broke?
Come on in here.
Sit down, Let's talk about this.
Yes, I'm selling the shop.
No, we're not broke.
Truth is, the store is doing pretty well financially.
But most of the business is from collectors online,
so keeping the store open doesn't make sense anymore.
Also, I met someone.
You did?
Anastasia.
A stripper?
What?
I mean, with a name like that,
she's either a disney princess or a total slut.
Come on, she's a vinyl collector down in florida.
Boo.
And I was thinking
after janie graduated this spring,
I'd move down there with her.
This is place is gonna be
way too big for just me, anyhow.
But, hey,
we have one last thanksgiving at home before we move.
That'll be fun, right?
Okay.
Good talk.
Am I doing it right?
No!
Lou, pop your ass!
I can't believe my parents turned my room into a gym.
Lou, pop that ass!
Watch my ass pop.
Your ass is poppin'.
Yeah.
Girl, it could be worse.
I know a chick whose parents
turned her room into a sex dungeon.
Not sure that's worse.
Pop that ass, pop that ass, pop that ass.
Girl, why don't you go out tonight,
get your mind off things?
The only way that I could get my mind off things
would be to join a cult and get myself fucking brainwashed.
Girl, don't even play about that shit.
I joined a cult once because they had red track suits
and I wanted a red track suit.
The amount of innocent I saw slain...
Was not worth that red track suit.
Oh, god.
Apparently, there is a kegger on plum street
by the creek.
A kegger by the creek?
Tell me you made that shit up.
It sounds like a horror movie.
Oh, believe me, it is all too real.
Well, then go, and take video.
I want to see where tori the whorie comes from.
No, look, the whole point of going to college
is to get away from all of the people
that you hated in high school.
Why would I want to go back to that?
I mean, it would be like taking a massive shit
and then shoving it right back up my butt.
Really, girl?
Plus, I'm totally fine spending the night in.
Oh, oh, I'm gonna fart.
Oh, go ahead, honey.
No, it's gonna be so loud.
Oh, come on, we've been married for 25 years.
Oh, my God, Oh, my God.
I...
I have messed myself.
Ooh.
Ooh, yeah.
Mm, mm.
Oh, okay, okay.
Girl, you need to get out that house.
I'll send you videos.
Yo, queef, sick party!
Thank you, my friend.
I hope you're enjoying the delicious libations
and jovial atmosphere, yeah?
How did you get your parents
to let you have the house all weekend?
Oh, not even a problem, brother.
You see, I have an open dialogue with mata and pita.
They respect me as an adult,
and they trust my wise decisions.
I just threw up in this genie bottle.
That's my grandmother!
Let her out, man.
Let her out!
♪ I was like, "excuse me and my awkward approach" ♪
hey, this is my personal hell.
Shit, shit.
Awe, that's adorable.
You're still obsessed with her.
No, I'm not still obsessed with her.
Yes, you are.
When is her birthday?
January 15th, 1996.
Nice try. Everyone knows that.
Well, no one give's a fuck about me,
so only you should know, when's my birthday?
Um...
Today?
Oh, my god, today.
Happy birthday, happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Hmm, I fucking hate you.
Listen, this is my last chance.
Janie is moving down to florida at the end of the school year.
- Oh, my god. - I know.
- No way. - Yes.
Oh, my god, that means you're only gonna have
christmas break and spring break
to not fuck her.
False, because I have to go
visit my stupid, dying grandparents
in arizona for christmas. Boring.
Then I'm hitting up cancun with the pussy posse
for spring break.
I'm sorry, what the fuck did you just say?
Pussy posse?
Oh, it's my cornell boys.
Oh, that's so cute.
You know, if you ever use that nickname again,
I'm gonna punch you in the penis.
Okay, you're being very aggressive.
Just hear me out.
This is my last shot
before she is out of my life forever.
Okay, um, look,
I'm gonna try really, really hard
not to be a dick here,
because I can tell you're, like,
really sensitive and everything.
She was not into you in high school.
She's not into you now.
And she's never gonna be into you.
But I just--you know, I feel like it's time we move on.
Okay.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
You're right.
Shit, you, like--
you handled that really well.
Psych, no, I'm fucking with you.
She's totally gonna sit on my face later, like...
Wow, that's really not how that goes down at all,
so it's clear you've never done that.
Yes, I have, I've eaten out, like, 17 pussies.
Or 23. I don't know.
I know it's a prime number.
God, please stop doing that.
Did you spit?
- Yes. - That's disgusting.
- A little bit. - Don't spit.
Where did the straw come from?
My backpack.
You have a fucking backpack?
Yes, I have a backpack.
It's an adventure.
It's like a hike.
Ugh!
This party is #lame.
I've only been roofied and fingered, like, twice tonight.
I mean, what is this, a bar mitzvah?
Let's hit up that party on oak street.
I heard ethyl's gonna be there!
Ew, is that your grandma?
No offense, but last time I saw her,
she pretended to trip and grabbed my cooch for balance.
My dad is always tripping.
No, you stupid fucking dumb ecuadorian bitch!
Ethyl's that new hybrid drug
everybody's been blah-blah-ing about.
It's molly mixed with old people medicine.
It's supposed to be totes cray.
Well, anyone who would do that is totes retar.
Holy Zachary Quinto's eyebrows!
She's learning!
No, seriously, though,
haven't we been doing too many drugs lately?
You totally had me, bitch!
Oh, holy shit, that's my fucking jam!
Mandy, hold my legs.
Yeah.
Ah, I think I queefed.
Stop looking at my ass, you whore.
Photo bomb!
Shit, I'm sorry.
Fuck, let me help you.
I'll fix it.
Let me help you dry it off.
I'll dry it off.
I highly advise you
not to touch any of the hand towels, okay?
I got it from here.
Right.
More toilet paper.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
There you go.
It's not creepy at all.
- Huh? - Oh, yeah, my bad.
Sorry.
So...
Have you started applying to schools yet?
A few.
I don't know where I want to go yet.
If you're thinking of cornell,
you can always come visit with me.
My dorm is super cool.
We have a swimming turtle named randy.
So, pretty fucking awesome.
Cornell?
Not with the "C" I have in mr. Draper's class.
Draper the raper?
Thought he'd give you an a-plus with those titties.
I mean, goddamn.
Thanks?
Does he still schedule that stupid midterm
for the day after thanksgiving break?
Yup.
Turns out he's not only a perv,
he's also a fascist.
You know, I could help you.
I mean, I aced-- I aced draper's class.
I knocked that midterm out of the park.
I remember he actually said to me, and I quote,
"you made that midterm your bitch."
Or, no--or he said, "you did a good job."
But he meant it, so...
I mean, don't worry.
No charge.
Just two study buddies doing what they do,
shooting the shit.
Whip out a highlighter or two,
make some marks on those textbooks.
I don't give a fuck what the librarian says.
Okay, what the hell.
Seriously?
- Mm-hmm. - Okay.
Yeah, yes.
So you will not regret this.
I promise.
How is 8:00 on friday?
Sounds good.
Good, I think so too, yeah.
Okay.
Bye.
I love you, so much.
This is the first time I've drank in, like, ever.
But I feel totally fine.
Yeah, no, you look totally great,
not at all like a rhino
who's been shot with a tranquilizer gun.
Uh-oh.
I think the fucking tikka masala shit's
gonna come back up.
Whew, I feel so much better now.
Want to hook up?
She said yes.
Move, fuckers.
She said yes, she said yes, she said yes.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
So I'm gonna go now.
Hey, motherfuck,
did you not hear me?
She said yes.
Oh, my god, that is so exciting.
Hey, at what point in this conversation
are we going to acknowledge that I'm covered in vomit?
What am I gonna wear?
Should I wear a suit?
Maybe one of those sexy-ass tight vests
with, like, a dragon on it for no fucking reason.
And she's like, "what's that?"
And I'm like, don't worry about it.
But I don't know where to take her for dinner,
because I obviously want to take her somewhere nice,
but I don't want to freak her out.
There's about ten different restaurants
up in that girl's vomit,
so you can take your pick.
Text me.
Suck a dick.
No.
Shit, look, I'm sorry,
but you came out of nowhere.
Scott?
Do I know you?
We went to high school together.
And middle school,
and elementary.
Tori the whorie?
And we're back.
Wow.
You look kind of good now.
You know, that nickname
might not even be that ironic anymore.
Charming, okay.
Well, you're not dead, so I'm gonna go.
But this has been so fun.
Thank you.
Ugh.
Fuck.
Can I get a ride?
So you know this is a really bad idea, right?
It says the party is only one mile from here.
Oh, fantastic, I'm glad there's an app
that can make stalking more efficient.
I'm not stalking, okay?
I'm merely using technology to help me locate someone
who doesn't want to talk to me at the moment.
Which is stalking.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh, make that left.
You do realize that you're pathetic, right?
You do realize that you're covered in vomit, right?
Besides, heather's gonna take me back.
Oh, fantastic, so not only are you a stalker,
but you're a misogynist too.
And I'm a romantic.
Ho-ho, and why would heather take you back?
'Cause I think she's made it perfectly clear
that she wants nothing to do with you.
She just needs some time to think
and, you know, reevaluate.
She'll be fine.
Oh, wow.
Because obviously she must be in a weird mental place
to dump you, mr. Perfect with the amazing hair.
Think I have amazing hair?
Oh, my god, you know you're attractive.
It's annoying.
Wow, amazing hair and I'm attractive?
Yeah, here I go.
Wait a minute.
Are you into me?
No, God, I'm not into you.
I mean, would I have sex with you?
Yeah, probably, but that does not mean that I'm into you.
You'd have sex with me?
Wow, I mean, I'm not surprised.
I'm just surprised that you actually admitted that.
Oh, my God, it's 2014.
Women should be able to openly talk about sex.
I mean, I know what year it is.
I'm just saying...
Okay, here's the thing, prom king.
Women think about sex all the time,
including your precious, wonderful heather.
So if she wanted you in her bed,
you wouldn't be in this car with me right now.
And that is a fact.
Oh, wait, hold on one second,
because I really want to film this,
because fail videos always go viral.
Go on.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe now isn't the best time.
Oh, No, Come on, Scott.
The internet wants to see you
get kicked in the balls really bad.
Why are you so mean?
I'm mean?
Wow, that's a double standard.
I recall it going a little bit differently in high school.
Maybe nobody has told you that high school is over.
That big ceremony thing that we all did,
that was graduation,
where we all move on
and we all do different things.
You don't stay here and be like,
"Oh, I was prom King; I'm cool,
so that means I'm cool forever."
Nobody gives a shit.
So maybe it's time that you try something new.
Try something a little bit different,
'Cause obviously this whole...
Wait, wait.
I don't have any condoms on me.
Who are you?
Tori the whorie.
Oh, yeah, I came up with that name.
Yeah, you're an asshole.
Tori the whorie is back, bitch!
Okay, first of all,
she never existed.
Second of all, it was a mistake.
It was a big, stupid mistake.
How big?
What?
Come on, girl, give me something.
I haven't looked at porn since I got home.
It was huge, enormous.
And he put it in my butt
and slapped me in my face with it.
I know you're lying, but...
Thank you.
I just--I really want to forget about it.
So you're not gonna see him again?
No, it was a one-time thing.
I'm never talking to that douche again.
Mm-hmm.
And does he know that?
Oh, please.
Scott is so far up his own ass,
he won't even notice.
How far?
Here's the turkey.
Here's the bird.
Hey, I'm sorry you guys got stuck over here.
Hey, at least we don't have to sit with crazy aunt flo.
Did I ever tell you about the time
I got abducted by aliens?
Funny story, actually.
Their queen impregnated me,
and the baby grew to full size in less than eight hours.
And then it ate its way out of my uterus.
Want to see the scar?
Why can't we just have an alcoholic aunt
like every other family?
Today, you can consider me an alcoholic father.
Hey, you remember tori the whorie?
The girl whose pimples used to pop in the sunlight?
That was graphic.
Yes.
You should see her now.
She looks totally different.
Uh, no thanks.
No, seriously, look.
She's, like, photoshopped.
No, seriously,
I'm not interested in your dumb little crush.
I don't have a crush.
I mean, that's ridiculous.
You know what else is ridiculous?
"Modern Medicine."
I mean, why do I need a "Doctor"
to tell me that I'm "Crazy"
and a "Danger to myself and others"?
I mean, hello?
I already have the voices in my head telling me that.
I can't kill them. They're family.
You know mental illness runs in our family, right?
Hey, as long as baldness doesn't, then I'm fine.
Ugh.
But what I'm most thankful for
is joining this wonderful family.
I feel like the luckiest man in western P.A.
Aw, heck, in the entire state of Pennsylvania.
Ah!
Marissa, honey, what are you most thankful for?
Well, other than this beautiful treasure of a man.
I don't even know where to begin.
Great, next.
I'm thankful that my paintings
were selected to hang at the met.
Oh, you did, oh.
Oh, and that I finally learned how to drive!
Yes!
Scary.
You did.
You're an inspiration, sweetie.
Yeah, no, we get it, she's perfect.
Now, could somebody please pass the wine
so I can drink till I black the fuck out?
Language!
Look, I'm real nice when I'm drunk.
Yeah.
Awe, she's pretty.
Gah!
How did you get in here?
The real question is...
How did we get here?
P'shoo!
Ah.
What?
I hope you like it.
I can't believe you made this from scratch.
Who wants to play.dance central?
I do!
I want to kill myself.
Yay!
Let's play.
Hey, tore, can you get the door?
Gil, you are so clever.
What can I say?
She's rubbing off on me.
Okay, well, if I'm not back in five,
assume that I'm dead,
and don't come looking for me.
Okey dokey, honey.
Yeah, gil, you should try my pie.
What the hell?
Hey.
Did you run here?
I needed to talk to you,
and you weren't answering your phone.
Yeah, it's thanksgiving,
and my mom makes us put our phones and beepers
in a basket before we sit down to the table.
Who has a beeper?
Gil.
I'm a doctor!
Orthodontist!
So you wanted something?
When we had sex last night--
Oh, my God, dude.
My parents are, like, right in there.
Sorry.
When we had sex last night...
Did you feel something?
Uh, it took me a minute, but yeah.
Come on, I'm serious.
Like--like a...
Connection?
Oh, my God.
Please do not say things like that.
I mean, it's so prom-y.
You're, like, so stuck in high school.
It's really frightening.
You can't say you didn't feel anything.
I mean, I thought it was pretty clear
that we were just two sad, horny adults
getting some in a car.
It was just sex, nothing more.
Okay, look, I get it.
You're like-- your girlfriend dumps you,
and then you randomly hook up with me,
and you're, like, all confused and shit.
And I understand.
But I think it's best if you just, like,
leave me out of the equation altogether, okay?
Tortellini!
What's going on?
Nothing, mom, we're just--
Ooh, who's this strapping young man?
He was actually just leaving.
Hey, I'm scott, friend of tori's.
Got a grip.
Friend, that's interesting.
Well, come on in, scott.
We're just about to play dance central.
Yeah, I do have some pretty sick moves.
You know, in high school,
they used to call me a depressed dog.
Oh, no, why?
Well, 'cause I ain't got no bones!
Oh, whoa!
Ah!
Did they also call you the scarecrow?
'Cause you ain't got no brain!
Okay, I like scott's joke better.
Come on, I'll steal you.
We're dancing.
Hm!
Good.
Seriously?
She's an inspiration!
Perfect!
Awesome!
Marissa wins.
Okay, tora the explorer,
it's your turn.
Come on, tore, hit the dance floor.
They just come to me.
Oh, what's wrong, angelina tori?
Scared to lose?
No, no, no, I just hate dancing.
Hm, you seem to hate a lot of things.
Yeah, I do.
I hate everything and everyone.
It's kind of my thing.
Oh, well, we don't hate you, tore.
I'm a little scared of you, but I don't hate you.
Oh, it's okay.
You know what, fine.
Fine, I will play.
But if I win, you have to leave.
All right.
But if I win...
You have to kiss me.
I want to play!
Or tori can play.
Cool move.
Awesome!
Right on.
Hey, we work pretty well together.
This is how I always pictured black people playing this game.
We're much stronger as a team.
We should challenge marissa and gil.
I don't really do teams.
Well, maybe you'll find that having a partner
to keep you on beat is a good thing.
I mean, I'm not saying
we should start an official dance club or anything.
Foot slide!
I'm saying maybe just try it for one game, you know?
Slap the ground!
What do you think?
Might make you a better dancer.
You know what?
Maybe I don't want a partner
who's merely average-sized,
somewhat herky-jerky,
and pays nowhere close to the attention to detail
that one would expect from an aspiring photographer.
Tori wins.
Congrats.
Guess I got to go now, right?
Awe.
Happy thanksgiving.
Bye.
♪ And you are my radio ♪
♪ Turn you up when I feel low ♪
♪ You are the soundtrack to all I know ♪
♪ You are the rock to my roll ♪
what's eating gilbert grape?
I love that movie.
Oh.
Wow, baby, you're good at that.
Where did you learn?
Did your mama teach you?
Oh, god, you are the blowjob queen.
Someone should give you a crown made out of dicks,
made out of wangs.
I'm gonna cum.
Oops-a-daisy.
Don't want to come in your mouth.
You're a lady.
Where should I do it?
Ah, idea.
On those tits!
Hey, what you looking at?
The internet.
There's just pictures
of arctic creatures, polar bears.
- Polar bears. - Going extinct.
I see.
Yo, dick-muncher, time to go.
Black friday's almost over,
and I haven't seen anybody die yet.
Oh, this--
homework.
Sex-ed.
Never mind.
Okay, so this one is a bit on the pricier side.
But she pinned it multiple times
to her personal pinterest page,
and I want her to feel as beautiful as I do right now,
which is very.
I just want you to realize how fucked up this is.
If by "fucked up" you mean awesome
and sexually stimulating, then I agree.
But I need you to focus right now,
because I need your brutal honesty.
Yeah, that's way too slutty.
If you give that to her,
she's gonna think that you're trying to bang her.
But I am.
Yes, I know.
But the key is to make her forget that.
Good note.
Hey, Tori.
What the fuck?
Hey, crazy, right?
Uh-huh.
Um, hey, I just want to say sorry
for coming to your family's dinner last night.
That was-- I shouldn't have done that.
It was inappropriate.
Yeah, you know what else is inappropriate?
You stalking my instagram account
and following me here.
Does this look too, like, "Ooh, I did anal once,
and now it's all I want"?
Scott.
Did janie send you?
What? No, why would she?
No reason.
Okay.
So back to you stalking me.
Aw, you thought I'm stalking you?
No, I was just taking pictures in the mall,
and I saw you through the window.
'Cause that doesn't sound creepy.
I like shooting all the black friday craziness.
Usually get some pretty cool stuff.
I mean, for the most part,
it's just random people getting tasered.
All right, let me see that.
Dude, this is fucked up.
Would you send these to me?
Aw.
Oh, I found your fetish.
- It's not a fetish. - Uh-huh.
Hey, look close.
You see how that old couple is sitting perfectly
right between that trash can and that stained glass window
and that fountain?
It's like--
it's kind of like beauty meets its opposite.
You know?
Amidst all the craziness of black friday
and everybody's freaking out around them,
they're safe, you know?
They found their little place to go and share a kiss.
It's kind of cute, beautiful.
Oh, my god.
I didn't sleep with the cool guy.
I slept with the formerly cool guy
who's actually a big frickin' dork.
- I'm not a dork. - Uh-huh.
- I'm cool. - Oh.
I'm currently cool.
Oh, Okay.
So then, just tell me
one currently cool thing that you've done
post-graduation.
What are you doing later?
I don't know, why?
'Cause we're hanging out.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
All right.
But I am driving,
and I am planning everything.
And you have to do everything that I say.
All right, deal.
All right.
Now go continue taking those creepy pictures,
and quit stalking me.
Is this guy stalking you?
♪ I used to wait for her after school ♪
♪ By the gates with my books, baby, feeling a fool ♪
♪ I used to walk her home every night ♪
♪ In the summer or winter, in the sun or ice ♪
Fuck it list.
Okay, what is this, some kind of bucket list?
Yeah, except you don't die in it.
I mean, spoiler alert.
Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
You're like, so regimented.
I mean, everything about you
has to be, like, so fucking perfect,
or you, like, freak out.
So, what I'm gonna do
is just loosen you up a little bit.
I'm not shaving my head.
Okay, one thing at a time.
Seriously, I'm not doing it.
That's what I'm talking about.
You're so regimented.
- Look at it. - I see it.
Look at the way it flows.
No, yeah, I see it.
Look at how it moves.
You know what, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
You're so set in your little perfect scott hair ways.
Fine, okay, can we just do something a little easier
to ease me into it?
Yeah, absolutely.
I thought we should probably start
with number four.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
- Yeah. - No.
Oh, you certainly are.
No fucking way.
- No, you're gonna do it. - No.
Seriously, just poop already.
I'm trying, okay?
I have a sensitive stomach.
Oh, my God.
Turn around.
What?
Turn around.
Seriously?
This is ridiculous.
Plug your ears.
- What are you doing? - It's gonna be loud.
Ugh.
Scott?
Shit!
Abort mission! Abort mission!
Go, go!
- It's locked. - Just get in!
Get the fuck in the car!
Ugh, why weren't you into poop stuff
when we were together?
♪ We have fun, we have fun ♪
♪ We got the summer nights under our tongues ♪
Oh, my God.
Don't even.
What--
asshole.
♪ We have fun, we have fun ♪
Uh-uh.
Mm-hmm.
♪ We have fun, we have fun ♪
better late than never, I guess.
Yeah, it's so true.
Well, it's hard to prepare for it when it's rape.
Kidding.
No, I'm totally kidding.
Yeah, I definitely, definitely wanted it.
Mm-hmm.
Especially because it wasn't with him.
She's kidding.
No, I'm not.
Well, good luck with the baby.
Oh, thank you, yeah.
We are gonna need it.
You have a nice day, ma'am.
Yeah, bye.
Whoa!
No way.
Oh, come on.
Don't be a pussy.
It's permanent.
Yeah.
Okay, you know what, fine.
I have another idea.
I don't want to do it.
It's gonna hurt.
Stop being such a baby.
Ay, can you please hurry the fuck up?
My daughter is waiting.
Go!
See?
That wasn't that bad.
Oh, I guess it wasn't.
Uh.
Is anyone else losing their vision?
Uh...
At least he didn't pierce your dick.
I'm not really a pot kind of guy.
You know what, that's fine.
I'll get the clippers.
Give me that fucking brownie.
Oh, my God.
Okay, what if it makes me all chatty and paranoid
and annoying?
Oh, my gosh, then we're gonna know that it didn't work.
Is it gluten-free?
I have a really sensitive stomach.
Oh, my god, I know you have a sensitive everything.
Yes, it's gluten-free.
Oh, my God.
That's fucking good.
I know.
That's real good.
Isn't that good?
I think I'm high.
♪ We have fun, we have fun ♪
♪ We got the summer nights under our tongues ♪
Are you ready?
♪ We have fun, we have fun ♪
♪ We got the summer nights under our tongues ♪
Your car broke down,
so you rented a party bus?
I did, yeah.
Every once in a while,
it's just nice to treat yourself.
Quit the bullshit, joel.
What's going on?
No bullshit. Nothing is going on,
besides the start of our glorious evening.
No sex in the car, kids.
Last thing I want to see
is two underage,
semi-ethnic-looking,
possibly native american teenagers
making a mess on my brand-new pleather interior,
forcing me to lap, lap, lap it up
like a golden retriever on a hot-ass day.
Fuck.
Well, I feel safe.
Don't worry about her.
I'll kick her ass.
I'm here for you.
Joel, I don't have time for this.
I have 200 years of european history
to memorize by monday.
Which is why I am going to help you
connect those boring, mundane facts
to ideas that are personal to you.
How?
Okay, champagne.
What do you think of when you drink champagne?
Old people, headaches.
Okay, perfect, let's go with headaches.
Champagne is from france.
It was originally used in the coronation of kings.
King louis xvi also got a headache
when he was beheaded by his own subjects
on january 21st, 1793,
during the french revolution.
- Not bad. - Yeah.
Just letting you know
I'm changing the atmosphere up a bit.
Ah!
Why is my ass getting hot?
Seat warmers!
You're welcome.
Well, anyway, a few mnemonic devices
won't be enough to get me an "a" in draper's class.
You knew about mnemonic devices?
What I don't know is what to study.
Draper's cramming way too many chapters into one test.
Well, I don't go back to cornell
until sunday, so...
And I thought you were actually gonna help me study.
- Pull over. - Wait, wait, hold on.
Hold on.
Would this help?
You have the test?
Draper uses the same password for all his secure files.
It's "ariana grande's puffy nipples 555."
Well, why didn't you lead with this
instead of the lame mnemonic?
Well, once you had the actual test,
there'd be no reason for you to hang out with me.
Joel.
I still want to hang out with you.
I just don't want to lead you on.
Like, nothing's gonna happen between us.
Fuck!
No, duh, I know that.
- Yeah. - Sure.
Seriously, like, it's not gonna happen.
Okay, what if you and I
were stuck on a deserted island together
and you were getting super horny.
You're diddling yourself every night, sure.
But what you really need is a penis.
Now, you're thinking, "I'll go artificial."
You're looking for a dildo, you're looking for a dildo.
You're searching the island. You can't find one.
All of a sudden, you see me.
I just gave myself a nice little saltwater bath.
I look great.
I shoot you a wink.
What are my chances?
Well, in that scenario,
I guess you might actually have a shot.
Almont?
I've always wanted to eat here.
Huh, what a lucky guess.
But I'm not dressed for this.
I got it covered.
A-vooga-vooga!
Heh-la-la-la!
Yes, please.
I'm kidding.
But seriously, you look really fucking good.
Joel, I can't believe you got me this dress.
I've wanted it for so long.
Really? No way.
Oh, my god, baby.
Who knew our tastes were so sympatico?
Joel...
Only on a dildo-less abandoned island, I know.
Fuck.
I think I broke my vagina.
Mmm.
You know what's good as hell when you're high?
What?
Motherfuckin' french fries.
Ah.
I can only burp like that when I'm high.
Classy.
Okay.
I have something to tell you.
You're a lesbian?
What? No.
Why would you even think that?
You're the one that made me buy charlene.
Oh, my god, you named her?
Yeah.
I even gave her a backstory.
She's had a hell of a year, charlene.
Abusive husband.
Children died in a plane crash.
Went to rehab a few times.
Even tried to kill herself.
Aw.
But she's bouncing back.
One day at a time, right, charlene?
You're not high.
What?
That's what I had to tell you.
I just gave you a plain old brownie.
There was no weed in it.
Was it even gluten-free?
You bitch.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my god, I don't even know what the fuck gluten is,
to be honest.
The nation's leading killer, at the moment.
- Bullshit. - Yeah.
Okay, wait a minute.
If I'm not high, then how do you explain the fact
that I've been really fucking high for the last two hours?
It's a placebo effect.
You had this preconceived notion
of how you would respond to the brownie,
so when you ate the brownie,
your brain automatically responded
as if the chemical reaction were actually happening.
You fake-drugged me?
- That's not funny. - It's kind of funny.
No, it's not. It's fucked up.
Well, you know what?
Then I guess payback's a bitch,
and we're even.
Even for what?
I've never done anything this fucked-up to you.
Are you serious?
Oh, here we go.
Yeah, here we go.
Hm, yeah.
Hey, I took that.
It's actually one of my favorite shots.
I love the way the light hits your hair.
See the natural composition--
fuck your composition.
That was my life that you were photographing.
I mean, do you have any idea when that was taken?
Prom.
Yeah, exactly.
The night that that asshole from murrysville
who took my virginity
decided to stand me up and tell me
that I was just his dumb little slam-pig
whom he wouldn't be seen in public with.
I didn't know.
Yeah, no, nobody knew.
But you still went and you posted the picture
like it's just no big fucking deal,
because you have absolutely no idea what it's like
to be a loser.
You want to know a secret?
This is the first time on a friday
I've actually done anything in, like, months.
You know what I usually do on fridays?
I'll walk you through it.
I get home from class, lay in bed,
and I masturbate,
like, viciously,
like, for five hours,
like a marathon.
God!
And then I go to the fridge,
and I get a bunch of food, and I eat my feelings.
Then I go to sleep.
Every friday night.
I hate college.
I fucking hate it.
I hate everything about it.
I hate my classes.
I hate my professors.
They suck the fun out of everything.
I'm failing every class.
I'm failing yoga.
How do you fail yoga?
You know what the worst part of everything is?
This whole time we've been having this conversation,
all I can think about is how happy I am
to be in this gym,
because...
I fucking miss high school so bad.
And we will cue the cw soundtrack...
Right there.
I mean, really?
We were having a nice moment.
You got to be a bitch?
No, honestly, though,
I think that heather dumping you
is probably the best thing that could have happened.
Think about it.
She was giving you
a reason to resist your new environment.
She was giving you an excuse to hate it.
I think you're gonna like school a whole hell of a lot better
when you go back.
Okay, seriously, though, we need to leave right now,
because I can't stand this gym much longer.
I promised myself the only way I would come back
is if I had telekinetic powers,
and that has not happened today, so let's go.
All right, but I'm driving.
What? Why?
I know cool places too.
You're not high, but you still can't catch.
Dad's dead!
Dad's dead.
Yo, my dad's dead, dad's dead.
I can't believe you like what's eating gilbert grape?
I thought I was the only one.
Are you kidding me?
Okay, literally, the only thing hotter
than leonardo dicaprio is, like,
a retarded leonardo dicaprio wearing a fucking sexy diaper.
Ugh, that shit makes me so wet.
Oh.
Okay, good.
Hey, do you want to get retarded with me?
What's that?
It's ethyl.
It's like molly mixed with bran muffin
and prune juice or something.
I hear it's supposed to be--
totes cray?
Exactly.
I thought that you loved this stuff.
What gave you that impression?
I--
you facebook stalked me.
What?
Lacy posted that stupid shit on my wall,
like, six hours ago,
about getting fucked up on ethyl.
What is facebook?
Is that a website?
In fact, this whole night
has been a little too perfect, hasn't it?
The restaurant, the dress,
our--our nonstop conversation.
The conversation was all me.
Really?
Because it's kind of weird
that all of your favorite things are the same as mine.
Do you even like what's eating gilbert grape?
That was true.
That fat mom being lit on fire at the end?
Fucking beautiful!
Killed me.
Okay, fine.
Fine, all right, so what?
What's the big deal?
I wanted to give you a special time.
Is that a crime? Am I in trouble?
Are you gonna yell at me?
I mean, I got one chance to take you on a date,
and I just wanted to make sure--
I said no.
I think it's really sweet you tried to impress me.
You do?
Yeah.
I mean, nobody cares
about what I think or what I like.
But I don't get it.
If you're not into this ethyl stuff,
then why did you "like" lacy's post?
I don't like half the stuff I "like."
It's just easier to go along with everybody.
Thank you for dinner.
It was really retarded,
in a good way.
Well, I've got one more stop.
And I promise this is gonna be something
you'll actually "like."
Oh!
I got three words:
Di-a-rrhea.
Am I right?
Slam dunk!
Whew.
All right, we're almost there.
Almost there, down the steps to your deep, dark basement
where you'll chop my body up into a million pieces,
reveal that you're a serial killer,
and wear my skin until you die?
No, but I will do that on our second date.
Oh, great.
This is a little bit more awesome.
Oh.
Seriously?
Yeah, cool, right?
Oh, my god, how did you even get in here?
I have connections.
Security guard was in my community photography class.
Huh.
I've never actually even been here.
- Really? - Yeah.
I used to come here, like, every sunday.
Really, You?
'Cause I never pegged you
for the prototypical football fan.
- Really? - Yeah.
No, I love the football.
Oh, you love the football?
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm, yes.
Well, mr. Football man,
how many points does one get for a touchdown?
Hmm, here, wait, let me think.
Oh, nice, good.
Yeah, awesome.
Oh, wait, almost got it.
That's the one I was looking for.
Perfect form.
Well done.
All right, I don't know anything about football.
But what I do know
is they got some bomb-ass hotdogs here.
And the bathrooms are way cleaner than you'd expect.
- Oh, classy. - Yeah.
Classy stadium.
Yeah, we used to come here every weekend.
My mom was a big fan,
so this was usually the family outing.
I've never heard you talk about your mom before.
It was cancer, right?
No, actually, she was a sagittarius.
What's your mom?
Yeah, she passed away a few years ago.
Can we actually skip this whole
"how did it feel when she died?" Thing?
I have done that with so many guidance counselors.
I am good.
Yeah, no, I mean,
I was already getting bored,
so I'm really glad that we're moving on.
Thank you so much.
Awesome.
So, um...
What would you prefer to talk about?
Actually, you know the other night
when you said it was "just sex"?
Mm-hmm.
Was that, like "just sex" one time,
or could we just have "just sex"
just again?
From the dead mom to sex.
That is a very impressively smooth segue there, romeo.
Mm, I'd say it's a touchdown.
Yeah, awesome.
It's not real without the dance.
Okay, there it is.
There you go, yeah, nice.
No, seriously, though,
you didn't answer the question.
Ah!
Ugh!
Oh, shit!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
No, I thought it was gonna be, like, romantic.
Oh, my god, are you okay?
It's okay, it's okay.
You okay?
I think I taste blood.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I think I taste blood.
All right, we're here.
So you brought me to a place
I've been to a billion times before?
Hit it.
♪ Whatever it takes ♪
♪ You know I can make it through ♪
degrassi?
That was my favorite show growing up.
I know.
You performed the theme song at the middle school talent show
three years in a row.
My favorite episode is when jimmy gets shot.
No, where emma gets gonorrhea in her throat.
No!
When spinner gets ballsack cancer.
Oh, my God, So sad.
I almost cried.
Jesus, that show is, like, really fucked up.
I know.
It goes there.
All right, and we're gonna slow it down
with the after-the-credits version.
Ah, we have to dance.
I don't know how to dance.
Yes, you do know how to dance.
Come on.
Put your hands here.
Okay.
And then I put my hands up here.
And now we just sway.
Sway.
Sway, sway.
Okay.
Move your hips.
But I don't want to step on your feet.
You're not gonna step on my feet.
Chillax.
But it could happen.
That's good, joel-ski.
You're lying.
I know you're lying.
I'm not lying.
Oh, my God.
This is just like the episode where clare left eli
because she found out he was bipolar.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
You nervous?
No.
I mean, we've kind of already done this before.
Yeah, it's just this time
I'm not covered in puke.
You're beautiful, you know that?
You always were.
Shit.
Oh, my God.
Shit, is it 6:00 already?
I promised I would help set up
for my sister's engagement party.
- Mm. - Mm-hmm.
Hey, does this shirt say, like,
"I don't want to be here, and I don't give a fuck"?
Yeah.
Awesome, perfect.
You can come if you want to.
Really?
All right, I love engagement parties.
All right, let's not make me regret fucking you.
Hey, I was thinking about it.
Me and you should go on a road trip.
What, like, over christmas?
No, like, this week.
I have classes on monday.
Well, then you can just skip them.
I can't, and I don't want to.
Come on, we can go somewhere awesome, you know, like...
Kentucky.
You know, you're allowed to have sex with your dog there.
That sounds fantastic,
but didn't you just tell me
that you were, like, flunking out of school?
I don't really want to go back anyways.
What are you talking about?
I just want to stay here, you know?
Why am I gonna go back?
I mean, we've got all this random shit in your trunk
that we can play with.
We could have sex in parking lots every night.
Okay, yeah, I really can't tell
if you're being serious or not right now.
Dead.
No.
Come on, you already forget about the fuck it list?
Let go a little.
Wow, you completely misinterpreted
the entire purpose of that exercise.
All I'm saying is that I want to hang out with you more.
So why is that so bad?
You were supposed to take lessons from the list
and apply them to your new life in new york.
You're supposed to kick ass in school
and meet new people
and have all these great experiences.
You're not supposed to retreat
back to whatever is easy for you.
Come on.
You weren't that easy.
Really, dude?
Come on, I was kidding.
No, it's--
you know what, it's fine.
It's fine.
Can we not end on a fight?
We're not having a fight.
Just, like, chill out.
I just have to get back,
so just tell me how to get to your house.
Why?
I thought we were going to your house for the party.
I... yeah, I got to check and make sure that's cool.
You can just take route 28.
Okay.
Well, that's the last one, boss.
That's it, huh?
Well, I suppose we should go
before crackheads and hookers move in.
Too late.
Hey, you made it.
So...
How was your night?
Did you kiss any dudes
and then run away crying and leaving them stranded
with a shitty two-person band
to talk about that one time they almost got signed?
Joel, I like you.
Could have fooled me.
As a friend.
Oh, perfect.
I'm sorry I don't like you more than that.
I wish I did.
Unfortunately for me,
I'm attracted to muscular,
more conventionally attractive men.
That's not nice.
Why are you saying--
is this supposed to be making me feel better?
I almost slept with you last night.
Again, not making me feel better.
Joel, I wanted you to be my friend.
I'm not like you.
I don't have anyone to talk to.
What? What are you talking about?
You're, like, you.
You're super popular.
Yeah, with people I'm never going to talk to
once I graduate.
Mandy, stacy, and lacy are totes retar.
My brother's a self-absorbed asshole.
Even my dad prefers talking to you over me.
I feel comfortable around you, joel.
You listen to me, and for some reason,
you like me for who I am.
I didn't want to throw that all away
by having meaningless sex.
Am I making sense?
Thank you.
I felt so bad.
I'm sorry I abandoned you.
It's okay.
To be fair, you warned me ahead of time
that you weren't interested.
Well, you were pretty hard to discourage.
I know.
I guess I just wanted my first time
to be with someone special.
First time?
No.
I mean my 17th time.
I wanted my 17th time to be with someone special,
because that's-- that's my lucky number.
That, and 69,
because of...Oral sex.
That's not how you do it.
Please don't tell anyone.
What about your tumblr?
I made that up.
Only boobs I've ever seen are my mom's.
Joel!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry; That's not funny.
No, it is.
My mom's titties are hilarious.
Well, lucky for you, we're friends now.
Whew, should we get bracelets?
I was thinking I'd get you laid.
Friends don't let friends stay virgins,
and I happen to know a trio
of overly promiscuous, easily impressionable ladies.
So you're just going to pimp them out?
Really?
Yes.
Okay, I can live with that.
Oh, joel-ski.
Oh, janie.
Ah!
Sorry.
I didn't--okay.
Ugh, at least turn off your send receipt feature.
I mean, come on!
Hey, aren't you supposed
to be at shareef's crazy rager tonight?
Yeah, I know shit.
Nah, I'm not in the mood.
Ah, come on.
Go on out and have some fun.
Just don't do maria.
Who?
Maria.
It's molly.
Little bit of chili,
little bit of cayenne pepper.
Muy caliente.
I told you I know shit.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Tori the whorie?
Don't call her that.
I cannot believe you had sex with her.
What the fuck!
Ooh.
Her?
You're telling me that you had sex
with that butter-everything?
Did somebody say, "butter"?
What, are you crazy?
Hey!
Mental illness is nothing to laugh at.
It's personal!
That was fucking awesome!
Heather, stop.
Yeah, you better run, bitch!
I didn't have sex with her.
You didn't?
Oh, scotty, I missed you so much.
For reals, boo.
Let's go back to the way things were.
I'm not afraid to beat the shit out of you, either,
megatron.
Oh, stan, thank you for coming.
Stan the man.
Zack, how nice of you to join us.
Zack attack.
Jennifer, did you lose weight?
No, no, she didn't.
Whoo.
So you really think janie's gonna hook it up?
Hell yeah.
She gave me her word.
Finally gonna get to...
♪ See some areolas ♪
Ugh.
What, is it scott again?
Yeah, he's at shareef's.
He just wanted to let me know.
So, what, you're just gonna ignore him?
After I go back to school tomorrow,
it's gonna be like this weekend never even happened.
You are a fucking idiot.
You actually like him.
And I don't know if you know this,
but you hate everyone,
like, everyone.
You hate my grandma,
and she baked you a birthday cake,
and she has alzheimer's.
Ow!
Who's that?
Joel, I got to go.
All right, bye, bitch.
Dad turned my room into a gym.
Oh, I thought you were setting up a trap to kill me.
Wow, I actually never thought about doing that.
Weird.
So, why did you leave your engagement party?
Did everyone get explosive diarrhea
and have to go home?
No, why would that happen?
Uh, I don't know.
I mean, big punchbowl, no one guarding it.
Things happen.
No, I just needed a break.
I mean, I love the family,
but sometimes they drive me crazy.
You know what I mean?
Yes.
Oh, my god, I related to a solid half of that statement.
So why aren't you at shareef's party?
Wait, how do you even know about that?
Sixth sense.
Don't you mean, like, a fifth--
you know, never mind.
Too easy.
I mean, you know that scott likes you.
Well, you know, that's too bad,
because I don't like him.
Yes, you are full of shit.
Okay, fine, I like him.
But you know what?
It's complicated.
He's complicated.
Actually, you know what, he's simple.
He's far too simple,
and so scared of everything.
I mean, I was so close to fixing him.
He was so fucking close to being--
just like you.
With a penis!
He's not your project, tori.
You can't force him to be something he isn't.
You just have to accept him for who he is.
Oh, my God, how do you accept gil?
I drink a lot.
I'm actually not even blind.
I'm just in a constant state of blackout drunkness.
God, we have far more in common that I thought.
I always knew you were gonna grow up to be beautiful, tori,
and that you were gonna have to beat the boys away with a stick.
Just don't beat them all away.
I don't want to talk to you,
So leave a message, mother
Fuck.
I won't take no for an answer, scott.
Heather?
What are you doing?
I found this in shareef's mom's closet.
Isn't it fucking hot?
It'll jingle while you fuck me.
Whoo!
I know you want to do me, scott.
I really don't, and you're really racist.
Oh, my god.
Oh, your penis no not think so.
Thank you.
Come again, please.
Get it?
It's, like, come?
Yeah, no, I got it.
Oops, look what I found in your car.
It's almost big enough for both of us.
Boop.
God, I missed you so fucking much.
Ugh!
What's with all the violence?
Sorry, I'm on rihanna.
It's molly mixed with steroids and adrenaline.
Scott?
Has anyone seen scott?
He's getting fingered in the garage.
I'm sorry, scott is getting fingered?
No, but you are.
Okay.
Has anyone seen scott?
Scott is here?
I love that guy!
Everybody, scott's here!
You fucking miss me?
Please, no, I do not want this.
Shh.
I love you so much.
Please, no, I hate you.
I fucking love you so much!
I fucking hate you!
I fucking hate you too!
Oh, my God.
This is too good.
Tori, wait.
Yeah, that one's definitely the ugliest.
Tori, wait.
Come on.
Let go of me.
It wasn't what it looked like, okay?
No, I came here to apologize.
I came here to tell you that I like you for who you are,
only to find out that you are a fucking asshole!
It's not what it looked like.
Heather basically raped me.
Oh, my God, she weighs 90 pounds.
87.
Just stay the fuck away from me.
Tori, whorie.
Tori, whorie!
Whorie, whorie, whorie, whorie, whorie, whorie,
whorie, whorie, whorie!
She raped me!
All right, my little sweethearts,
name of the game is strip cup.
Now, for every miss, you have to...
Take off an article of clothing.
And for every make,
we have to take off an article of clothing too.
Yay.
Is she...
- Retarded? - Yes.
Sometimes I drink bleach.
Huh.
Hey, I got to talk to you.
Uh, I'm busy here.
What, with strip cup?
Come on, it's important.
Come on.
Okay, tori's really pissed at me, and I need your help.
Go fuck yourself.
Uh, excuse me?
Uh, shall I repeat myself?
I thought I was clear the first time.
Okay, why are you being such a bitch?
I just need your help.
If I had to guess,
I'd probably say tori's not talking to you
because you're only ever thinking about yourself.
That's not it.
Will you shut the fuck up?
The depth of your selfishness is astonishing.
How dare you come to me for advice?
You know how many times I've tried talking to you
but you were too busy for me?
Too busy with your hair, your photography, or heather,
whatever bullshit was consuming you at the time.
Look, I didn't know, okay?
You always seem so happy.
Well, that's kind of the point.
You're only worrying about yourself.
You're not aware of your surroundings,
let alone your only sister.
I'll see you at home, scott.
- Wait. - What are you doing?
I'm hugging you.
Why?
I don't know, but I think we should.
Scott, enough.
This is way too disney channel.
Yeah, I don't care.
Come on.
Let's hug it out.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love you too.
I knew you did.
So, I'm a self-absorbed asshole, right?
Pretty much.
I always wanted to do that.
Yeah, feel good?
Yeah, it feels great.
Okay, good, Good for you.
Oh, my God.
I know what I got to do to get her back.
Unless you need me to stay here and talk about...
Go.
Do you want another hug?
We can hug again.
Go, go.
Stacy got tired of waiting.
Excuse me.
Mata!
Pita?
Run!
No!
Sorry, man.
Take me as a hostage.
Scott, what the fuck are you doing?
This.
I'm a complete asshole.
I'm selfish,
I'm self-absorbed,
and I suck pretty much all of the time.
Yeah, well, you're just stating the obvious.
But I want to change.
I'm sorry about the prom picture.
And I'm sorry about heather.
And I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like...
I was better than you
or that you didn't matter,
because you do, so much.
What happened with heather didn't mean anything to me.
Yesterday was the best day of my life.
And I really wish it wouldn't have taken me so long
to start my fuck it list.
Language.
You shut the fuck up.
I know that hating everything and everyone
is kind of your thing, but...
God, I don't hate you.
Damn it.
I don't hate you either.
Oh, my God.
Your hair looks like shit.
I don't care.
I do.
It was rape, all right?
I swear to God.
She tricked my penis into a boner.
Shut up.
All right.
All done.
How does it look?
Mm...
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Awesome.
Yeah.
I want to go somewhere.
Looking like that?
Just kidding.
Not really.
Oh, my God!
What did you do?
Something pretty stupid,
but it was worth it.
Wow, what made you do all this?
Well, if we didn't throw a party,
how would joel get laid?
Oh, yeah.
Where is that shit-face?
He's in the back room getting a lot of stds.
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, baby, you're so fucking hot.
Well, not really,
but I have a lot of issues.
Ah!
Asshole, here I come.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, quick question,
and let me know if this is, like, totally out of line,
but it's always been a dream of mine.
Is there any way I could come on your tits?
#Duhzeez.
Oh, those are so much better than my mom's.
That is honestly...
The nicest thing any guy has ever said to me.
This is totes our rachel mcadams ryan gosling notebook moment.
God damn it, you're sexy.
I know.
♪ Hey, we don't really got another place to go ♪
♪ And I know you don't want to sleep alone ♪
♪ So take me home tonight ♪
♪ So I hit her with a ♪
♪ Oh, I know we don't got another place to be ♪
Come on.
I don't dance.
Oh, only in your living room?
Okay, well, that's very, very different.
Oh-ho-ho, come on.
It's perfect.
Okay, okay, fine, fine.
♪ Now that I've got you ♪
♪ I won't let you go ♪
♪ No, no, no, no ♪
♪ Now that I've got you ♪
♪ I won't let you go ♪
♪ To keep the light on, honey ♪
♪ Is the least that I can do ♪
♪ If I keep running back to you ♪
Hi, sweetie.
Dad, I'm sorry.
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
This is perfect.
♪ And all my childhood dreams ♪
♪ Never turns out the way that they're supposed to be ♪
♪ I don't want to live a day past 29 ♪
Sorry, but the world does not need to know
how I feel every second of every day.
Call me crazy, but I think
that as soon as we comment on the present,
we kind of lose it forever.
And the present is where things happen.
Sometimes it's difficult.
Sometimes it's glorious.
But it's always the place to be,
because life happens in the present,
one second to the next.
And if you're living with one foot in the past,
well, you're missing a fucking foot.
892 train to Chicago, now boarding.
Don't spit, god.
Sometimes it needs some lubrication.
No, it does not.
Natural lubrication
is one of the best types of lubrication,
especially when you're eating fucking pussy.
God!
All right, cut.
That's some good-ass shit.
Oh, my God, yeah, thank you.
Your mama teach you how to make these brownies?
No, I--
Oh, your daddy taught you how to make them brownies?
Go make them brownies. Get the pot, girl.
You want some?
- No, no. - I think I'm high.
I don't think it happens that quickly.
Oh.
Hey, kathleen.
♪ I'm gonna come on those tits ♪
wamp-wamp-wamp, dubstep remix.
♪ Ch-ch-ch come ♪
♪ B-zzz, dup-dup-dup, sperm ♪
And that's the last time
I'll ever have sex with an amputee again.
That's the last time I'll ever have sex with a veteran again.
And that is the last time
I'll ever have sex with a special ed teacher.
Cut.
Sometimes I masturbate with a blender.
Raper uses the same password for all his secure files.
It's "titty fuck" with three exclamation points.
"Cunt bunny" with a smiley face.
"Ariana grande's tight little ass 420."
"Teeny ass 99."
"Titty boner" with a smiley face.
"Pussy popper 88."
"Dripping wet clit 99."
"Anus party 85."
"The clits go marching one by one."
"Clit massacre 89."
Okay, wait.
Three more!
"Titty titty bungalow 420."
"Pussy wagon pussy wagon make me a cake."
Try something with "asshole"!
Okay.
Your tits are so fucking nice.
Oh, my God, you're so sweet.
You want to suck my nipple?
Okay.
Cut.
It's done.
♪ Hey, oh love, when you fall asleep ♪
♪ There's a piece of you in every song I sing ♪
♪ Where your childhood runs wild and free ♪
♪ Without me ♪
♪ Held your love in a silver spoon ♪
♪ Walked outside just to kiss the moon ♪
♪ Looking back, I wish I kissed you ♪
♪ Kissed you ♪
♪ To keep the light on, honey ♪
♪ Is the least that I can do ♪
♪ If I keep running back to you ♪
♪ Your heart is a slow train coming ♪
♪ I'm afraid to make my move ♪
♪ If I keep running back to you ♪
♪ Hey, old lover, it's a lonely day ♪
♪ There's a record on ♪
♪ And the song remains ♪
♪ If we dance real slow ♪
♪ Until the music fades ♪
♪ Will we do the same ♪
♪ Held your heart till the bitter end ♪
♪ You held my hand like I was your best friend ♪
♪ In another life we will meet again ♪
♪ Again ♪
♪ To keep the light on, honey ♪
♪ Is the least that I can do ♪
♪ If I keep running back to you ♪
♪ Your heart is a slow train coming ♪
♪ I'm afraid to make my move ♪
♪ If I keep running back to you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ If I keep running back to you ♪