(classical musical score playing)
(children playing)
You have a safe flight, okay?
Hey, take care of that daughter of yours.
(woman speaking over PA)
(Latin music playing)
(honks horn)
- (car honks) - (speaks Spanish)
Papi!
(bell ringing)
(speaks Spanish)
- (car honks) - (speaks Spanish)
Papi!
(speaks Spanish)
- (people chatting) - Woman over P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Chicago's O'Hare lnternational Airport.
Please check the overhead monitors
for flight arrival and departure times.
Please keep all personal items,
including luggage, with you at all times.
Unattended luggage will be confiscated
by law enforcement officials.
May I have your attention please?
This is a gate change announcement.
- Jesse! - Jesse! Jesse!
Oh, ho ho! Welcome back!
- Come on, man! - Yeah, baby!
What's up?
You find any weapons of mass destruction over there?
- You on Social Security yet, asshole? - Yeah. (laughs)
- Oh, man. - How you doing, man?
- So good to see you, brother. - So good to see you.
- Man, it's been too long. - I know. I know, man.
- I missed you. - You girls want to stop the fappy shit?
- It's happy hour, man. - What?
- It's 11 :00. - Not in Amsterdam!
It's party time!
(Spanish hip-hop music playing)
Jesse: Grandpa, you want to watch the road?
- Man: Oh, look at that. - Man #2: Let me see, man.
- Oh, that's not bad. - Man: Not bad, bro.
- That gonna heal up real nice. - Looks good, man.
- Man: That's cool. - Announcer: Johnny's all deals.
- Oh! Oh oh! Oh! - This is it.
This is the ad for the store! Check it out.
- Check it out. - Shh shh shh!
- Listen to this. - Plasma screen TVs, at absolutely...
...rock bottom prices.
Woman: Excuse me, Mr. Sexy Voice Man,
but why are you standing in the middle of the store...
-...in just your underwear? - Man: Who, me?
- Woman: Mm-hmm. - Man: I'm just trying
- to give you 60". - Oh!
That's so cheap! Yo yo yo, B,
you should see the honeys I've got lined up for the next ad.
- Caliente. - Oh, come on, Father Time.
You think that dye job in your hair fools anybody?
Just 'cause your illegal Mexican ass can't afford--
Old ass man.
I'm gonna tell you the difference between me and you.
- What's that? You tell me. - I'm legal.
You a wannabe legal.
Ouch. Yo, whoa whoa whoa.
Johnny, turn on Sacramento. It's coming up pretty soon.
Johnny: Wait. You want your ma to kill us?
It'll be fine. Just turn on Sacramento
- when we get up there. - Papo, what's the rush?
Your aunt's still pissed that we were late to Mauricio's wedding.
Are you kidding me? You're still harping on that?
The priest passed out from heat stroke!
Dude, everybody knows I need 15 minutes to blow-dry my hair.
- Otherwise it don't work. - Road's coming up.
- Don't miss it. - Let's hit the cuchi frito spot.
- Some bacaladitos maybe. - Yeah, I'm hungry, bro.
- Johnny. - Yo.
- Stop the car. - Here?
- Yeah. - What's up?
Are you crazy? It's freaking cold out there.
I'm not gonna stop the car.
- Stop the car! - I'm not getting out!
- It's cold! - Johnny! Ozzy!
Come here, bro. What are you doing?
Oh, shit.
(both panting)
(laughs)
Welcome back, coz.
Welcome back.
Ozzy: Welcome back to Humble Park, man.
You feel sick? You don't look sick.
Are you sure this medicine is not gonna make me drowsy?
- Hi, Edy. - I don't want to fall asleep
at my girl's office party.
You're gonna be the most beautiful woman there.
Thank you, Papi. I'll see you later.
Okay.
(speaks Spanish)
- What? - You know what, Don Juan.
If I didn't admire her, she'd be insulted.
Please! Like you look at Sister Maria here like that.
I wasn't always a nun.
Oh no.
Brother's even stealing Santa suits.
Why don't you sit on Santa's lap
and give me your wish list?
$1, one menthol.
Why don't you add 99 to that,
pay me back for the Trinidad-Jones fight?
That fight was over a year ago.
I swear, I'm never betting with you again, Spencer.
30 years, you've never ponied up once.
And why you bet on Trinidad, anyway?
I usually never bet when two brothers are fighting.
Trinidad is Puerto Rican.
How many times do I have to explain to you
Puerto Ricans ain't black?
Come on, you know damn well
if Trinidad wasn't black, I'd never bet on him.
I always bet on the black man.
Lakers versus Celtics, I always went Lakers.
Tiger versus the white boy of the month...
I always go Tiger.
The only time I ever lost was Apollo versus Rocky,
but I think that shit was fixed.
Whatever. Can I have my money?
If I prove to you that Puerto Ricans are black,
then I don't owe you one thin dime.
- Edy: Get out. - Dad! Papi!
- Hey, Spence. Look at you. - Hey, Mauricio.
- I like the black Santa scam. - Hey, you know me.
Too bad Santa only comes once a year.
- Know what I mean? - Got that right.
Dad. How's it going?
I couldn't just drive by without paying tribute, you know?
- (laughs) - Look at you.
How come he gets to flirt?
'Cause he's mine.
- Hi, Tina. - Hi.
- Nice blouse. - Thank you.
Anna gave it to me for my birthday last year.
Whoa. Don't flash like that.
I'm a married man. Cover them up.
(both laugh)
Just kidding.
- That blouse Tina was wearing? - Yeah?
I gave it to your mom two Christmases ago.
Maybe it was a little too Lieutenant Uhura, "Star Trek" for her.
Come on, Sarah. Where's your Christmas spirit?
Where's hers? She regifts everything.
Last year she gave me a basket of toiletries with
with "Doubletree" and "Boca" printed on it.
- Really? - I still have the body lotion.
Oh, Sarah, come on. Hey, do you know what would be
a great Christmas present for my parents?
- TiVo? - No no.
If we tell them we're trying to have a baby.
- A baby? - Yeah.
Are you high? ( laughs )
- We discussed this. - No. No no no no no no no.
We're still in discussion about this.
What are we gonna say to my mom when she's all,
"All my friends have grandchildren.
My mother had 10 grandchildren when she was my age"?
We'll tell her to adopt an embryo
and have one herself.
(water running)
(man speaking Spanish on radio)
(door opens)
- Merry Christmas. - Feliz Navidad.
Ay, mi niño!
You look so handsome.
- Hello, Sarah. - Hello.
You went to the bodega before you came home first?
- Yeah, well-- - What difference does it make?
They're here now.
You're lucky to have ran into him at the bodega.
He's a little hard to get ahold of these days.
(speaks Spanish)
Mira, she's almost a Puerto Rican.
(speaks Spanish)
I'm sorry, can you say that more slowly
and just enunciate a little more clearly?
Yeah, well, she saying "How are you?"
She says, "How are you?" How are you?
- Oh. Muy bien. - There you go.
It looks like you've lost a little bit of weight.
(speaks Spanish)
She said that you look great.
Oh. Thank you. I just started Pilates.
Ay, bendito. When am I gonna have grandchildren?
My mother had 10 at my age.
All of my friends have grandchildren.
I'm going to be the only Puerto Rican grandmother
who's gonna have to adopt grandchildren.
Anna, leave the children alone.
Do you want to drive them back to New York?
Thanks, Dad.
Anybody else home yet?
Our little Hollywood movie star
is about to pull up in her limo any minute.
Merry Christmas!
- Edy: Oh, it's our little movie star! - Hi, Dad.
- Stop stop stop. - Mom, you're like paparazzi.
- Hi, Mom! - Where's the limo driver?
He had another pickup at the airport.
Hi, Mami. How are you? Where's Jesse?
- Is he here yet? - Johnny and Ozzy went to pick him up.
Oh God, he'd be safer in lraq.
- ( Ozzy grunts ) - Whoa!
- ( Ozzy laughs ) - Yo, Ozzy!
- My bad, man! - Come on, bro.
You threw that like Marcia Brady.
Hey, I'm not the one who wore diapers in Little League.
For your information, Mr. Asshole,
they were disposable underwear. okay?
- I had a bladder problem. - Yeah, a lot of girls have that problem.
Johnny: There was an epidemic going on.
There were thousands of kids having to wear those.
- Epidemic. - Can we get to the game?
Johnny: What you think we're doing?
Talking like two old ladies. Come on, man.
- You swing like one. - Here comes the heat, baby.
Throw that like a man. I ain't got all day.
- Oh! Home run! - Johnny: Oh!
I could've caught that.
Come on! Catch the ball, you old ass man!
Oh!
- Come on, man! - Johnny! Come on!
I threw it right to him. He could've caught that.
Jesse: Ozzy!
Yo! Come on, man!
Ozzy, what are you doing? Throw the ball!
Yo! Freaking freezing out here!
Let's go, papo!
Ozzy!
What are you doing, man?
Give me the ball.
( chatting )
Ozzy. Chill, man. Don't do nothing stupid.
I can't believe that bitch Alexis is out.
He killed my brother, man.
That punk-ass, he kills his brother
and he's hanging out like nothing happened?
What kind of justice is that, Jesse?
- Jesse: Come on. - Come on, man.
"Come on" what, bro? It's not even worth it.
- What are you trying to say? - Johnny: Not even worth it.
Got your name up on a billboard, Jesse,
Iike when Jordan came back to the United Center.
Whole neighborhood gonna be lining up, welcoming you back.
A Boricua war hero, pal.
Puerto Rico, whoa!
- Puerto Rico, whoa! - ( horn plays tune )
Ay, Dios mio. Ay, bendito.
My baby. Mi niño.
Mi vida.
- Preciosos, you're home. I can't believe it. - Hey, Ma.
What is it going to take for you two to be on time?
- The hair. The hair. - Anna: Your hair.
- Come on. - Are you okay?
Huh? I'm good. I'm good.
Thank God you never have to go back to that place again.
I swear if I ever meet those people that hurt you, baby,
- I'll kill them. - Hey, Uncle Edy. How you doing?
Oh, you're smothering him.
Give the boy a chance to breathe.
Mauricio: You look like a Puerto Rican Gorbachev.
- Hi. - ( both laugh )
- What's up, Roxanna? - Hey.
- Yo, Mauricio. - It's so good to see you.
You too. You look good.
- ( Christmas music playing ) - ( people chatting )
Jesse: The Penn game. Dad, we're missing the Penn game.
- ( TV hissing ) - ( Jesse laughs )
- ( glasses clink ) - Johnny: Gracia, Mamita.
Hey, Ma, did Sarah tell you?
She was a big hit at her office Christmas party.
- She made coquito from scratch. - Anna: You did?
- Can you believe that? - I Googled the recipe.
Why didn't you call me instead of this Google?
- It's a search engine. - Ma.
I needed it quickly.
I thought it would be fun.
There's some Puerto Ricans who work in the firm.
As what? Janitors? An assistant lavaplatos?
- Ozzy: Probably. - Sarah: Jose is an associate.
- An associate. - How nice.
And I told them how we celebrate the parranda,
where we sing the Christmas carols
and go house to house to surprise the neighbors.
Wow, Mo, I didn't know your girl was so down with the neighborhood.
( speaks Spanish )
I know. Sarah's a volunteer.
What do you have to offer the world, Johnny?
What's your contribution besides
zero money down and debt into afterlife?
- Oh! - ( all laugh )
I got him good with that afterlife jab.
Okay, enough enough. I want to propose a toast.
Here's to having everybody home,
especially Jesse.
- All: Salut. - Roxanna: To Jesse.
Jesse. L'Chaim.
Ozzy: What? What he say?
Jesse, I want to ask you:
Did you see some of that messed up
"Black Hawk Down" type of shit over there?
Did that really happen that way?
I don't know, man. I--
Edy: He doesn't want to talk about that.
- You don't wanna talk about that. - It's okay.
You talk when you're ready.
I'm gonna go check the rice.
So, Tio Edy, when are you gonna come down to the store
so I can set you up with a beautiful plasma flat-screen TV?
I don't need one of those. This TV is perfectly fine.
- Oh. - That always works.
Johnny: You could watch the Cubs in high definition.
So I could have a crystal clear image
of seeing them getting their asses kicked?
- No no, gracia. - ( Johnny chuckles )
- So, Roxanna, mi amor. - Mmm?
So tell us what's going on in Hollywood.
( effeminately ) Yeah, who's gay now?
You, you stupid ass.
The gay gene skipped my side of the family.
Yeah, right. Like Uncle Roy who still has a roommate at 60.
- That's right, a "roommate." - Life partner, man.
Enough. You hear back from that TV show?
Dad, they haven't decided yet. But they said I brought
an organic vulnerability to the character that plays as cultural--
You'd definitely play a much more organic Mexican than Oz over here.
- Roxanna: Don't start. - What are you talking about?
- What? Start what? - You know.
- What do I know? - You almost went there. Forget it.
- How'd I almost go there? - Nothing, forget it.
- Say the line. - You're supposed to be on my side.
- Say the line. Say the line. - No.
- Say the line. - Do the line.
Sorry. Onto bigger and better things.
Come on, baby. It's not like a million people
haven't already seen you in that sexy peasant blouse,
batting your beautiful brown eyes for Señor Taco.
You know what? I've got the bootleg too.
All right, I'll say the line.
( speaks Spanish )
Johnny: No no, it's more like...
- ( speaks effeminately ) - Roxanna: Oh, stop.
It's-- it's...
- ( laughing ) - Jesse: No no no no no.
You'd better watch it. You'd better watch it.
Assholes.
Okay, that's enough. That's enough.
So tell me, this new show you're up for...
It's a midseason replacement
and it's coming on after "Desperate Housewives,"
- which is big. - Sarah: Oh wow.
- Are you gonna be able to meet them? - I might, actually.
What about you, Sarah? How's work?
- Yeah, what's going on on Wall Street? - Roxanna: Yeah.
Yeah, how are you guys gonna have enough time
to make some kind of sorta-Ricans?
No, we are. Not right away,
We've got plenty of time. What's the rush?
Why are you throwing me with the baby Latin curve here?
By now you guys should be up to four, five, six, maybe seven, eight kids.
- Mauricio: Come on. - Yo, does your plumbing work?
My pipes flow just fine. You want to check, Johnny? Want to take a gander?
Why you getting so macho about yourself?
We're all here, brother. You can talk to us.
If I needed somebody to talk to,
- you'd be the last person I would go to. - Right.
I'm gonna ask Anna if she needs any help in the kitchen.
- Roxanna: That's great. - What did I do?
You know why you're single?
'Cause every time you open your mouth
it's like a woman repellant.
The women go whoosh! Just saying.
I'm just saying. Look, I understand.
It's gotta be hard, especially for two
obviously successful people like yourselves.
I didn't know that's what you were going for.
- Yeah. - Well, thank you. I love you.
You know, this is as good as any time.
I wanted to tell all of you
that they're talking partnership at the law firm.
- No. - And I've been groomed by the COO,
so it's an almost guaranteed slot in there.
- Roxanna: Great. - Work work work.
Mauricio, all you talk about is work. It's a holiday.
What's important is everybody's here together.
We're all together now. That's what's important.
- Yeah. - That's great.
- Doesn't matter. - ( doorbell rings )
I'm-- I'm gonna go get the door.
- ( ringtone plays ) - Yeah, excuse me.
- One second. - Johnny: Uncle Edy, slap the dinosaur.
- ( beeps ) - Hey. Please tell me you heard something.
- Hey. - Hey.
Welcome-- welcome back.
- Th-- thank you. - ( child giggles )
- Is that-- - That's Hector.
- My son. - Really?
Oh. Hey.
- Marissa: Say hi. - How are you? Give me five.
That is a good-looking kid.
Fernando: Had to circle the block two times to find parking.
Hey, welcome back, Jesse.
- Oh. Okay. - Fernando.
Good to meet you. Okay.
Hey, Mami. Hi.
Oh, hey, Mami.
- How are you? - Who's the little boy?
Let's go upstairs.
Oh! This one is the closest
I ever get to having a grandchild.
Isn't he adorable?
Oh, yes. Very very very cute.
Hector, come on, behave.
Hey, how are you doing? How's your mother?
Great. Thank you for asking, Mr. Rodriguez.
- ( cell phone rings ) - Nice to see you. Oh, excuse me.
- I have to take this. - Let's go say hi.
Yeah, hi. Just give me one second.
( door closes )
Ma, since when did Dad get all Dick Cheney on you?
Well, whoever it is, they must be more important than his family.
- I've gotta finish dinner. - Ma, what are you talking about?
- He didn't say that. - Would you like any help?
No.
Roxanna: Is it weird being a mom?
Woman: You were there. You remember Rick.
That jerk. He was such a bad father.
As soon as Hector was born, Rick just left.
- Rick just split. - Yeah.
But things are going really well with me and Fernando,
and he treats Hector like his own son.
Wow. That's great, girl.
I just really love my job.
Gotta be so cool to have a teacher like you in high school.
You're gonna get this gig, okay?
My agent says he feels really good about it.
You know that Mr. Murphy still asks about you?
Really?
He says that you were the best actor
to come out of Roberto Clemente.
Oh, that's so sweet. You know what?
I still have that gold-plated statuette
that he gave me for playing Blanche.
- Do you remember? - Do you remember this song?
Do l? It's my song, girl.
- Oh my God. - Turn it up.
( pop music playing )
♪ I wanna sex you up... ♪
♪ Now let's pour a glass of wine ♪
♪ 'Cause now we're all alone, I've been waiting... ♪
Please tell me you are not auditioning for any musicals.
Stop singing. You're gonna break the mirror.
Were you two kissing?
- Johnny. - I wanna watch.
Johnny, we're having girl time.
- I can share. - No, you can't.
- No! Oh yeah? - Shut up. Whoa!
Don't mess my hair! Don't mess my hair up!
( yelling )
- Oh, man. - Help me!
Come on, man! Oh!
Help me out!
- You swing like a girl! - Get out of the way!
You want a piece of me? Huh? Huh?
Don't! Jesse!
Oh my God.
You boys, tomorrow you've got to help me take down this tree.
Come on, Dad. It's a holiday, for crying out loud.
You still do hard work, Mr. Lawyer Man?
Johnny, I work out. What are you trying to say?
- He works out. - Oh yeah, you work out
with your $65-an-hour trainer/lover/boyfriend.
( speaks Spanish )
( all laughing )
I bet your flabby ass isn't lifting
60" plasmas personally
to people's cars, you pudgy bastard.
My ass isn't gonna be here tomorrow chopping down no tree.
Big baby. Listen, I've got a chainsaw.
Oh yeah, the one they used to make Jesus's cross with.
It still works. All it needs is a little oil.
We go to the zoo, kidnap a couple of beavers.
They take it down for free. They drag it away.
I've got a couple of chainsaws. I can come by tomorrow.
Thanks a lot, Nando.
I can swing by too, help you cut this down.
Edy: No, not you, Ozzy. I need you at the store.
Why you want to cut down the tree, Pop?
I promised your mother a view.
And it's old. Look at it.
The base is weak. It's leaning over to one side.
It's no good no more.
Is that you you're talking about or the tree?
All: Oh! Oh!
- ( all chatting ) - Dig into that.
No thanks. Can you believe--
- I finally got him to sleep. - He's down? Good.
It used to be Logan Boulevard.
It used to be a mattress store.
Somebody made me pay for it.
Why is everybody fighting?
They're not fighting. They conversating.
Mom, you may be a drug dealer by giving me that stuff there.
- I thought it was Roxie's. - ( glass clinking )
Attention, por favor, por favor.
I'd just like to say something.
It's fantastic that we're all together.
Gracia, Dio, that we're safe, home
- and warm, indoors. - Mauricio: Good one, Dad.
- I'd like to propose a toast-- - ( phone rings )
Johnny: Oh, good timing.
- Excuse me. - ( beeps )
There's something I'd like to say.
- I'm divorcing your father. - ( Johnny laughing )
- ( all laughing ) - Mauricio: That's crazy.
That's not a toast, okay? Come on.
That's not even funny. What is that?
Why? Mom, stop, please.
Johnny: That don't sound like a toast to me.
( silence )
- Come on. Stop that, Ma. - Roxanna: Mom.
- Coño. - Why? You've been married for 36 years.
- You can't-- - So?
"So"? You're old.
Who are you calling old?
I've got a lot of life left in me.
Who do you think kept all of this together?
I don't need him.
Well, if that's what you want to do...
- Roxanna: What? -...I can't stop you.
What? What is going on?
I'm gonna step out for a minute, get some air.
Ozzy, come on.
- Excuse me. - Happy?
Dad, did you cheat on her again?
- Papi, you cheated? - You didn't tell me that.
- Sarah, stay out of it. - Roxanna: Papi?
Did you cheat again?
Is that what your mother thinks?
Mysterious phone calls all the time.
You disappear in the middle of the day.
Ay, Papi! How could you? How could you?
Don't raise your voice to me in my own house!
You know what? I'm disgusted with both of you.
I'm so disgusted.
What, are you gonna date other people?
For starters.
Oh! Excuse me. This is making me sick.
Come on, Jesse. Jump in any time you feel like.
Say something, will you? Come on.
- It's their life. - What? "It's their life"?
"It's their life"?
Three years in lraq, and this is the wisdom you have to offer?
- Oh! - It's their life. Wow.
That's great. Thanks, Dad, for doing this to us.
Thank you for ruining our lives. Thank you so much for that.
Why don't you relax? Why don't you leave Pop alone?
- This isn't about you. - That's it. Take that side.
- Jesse: I'm not taking a side. - Of course you are.
Why don't you two become roommates and go hang out at Starbucks
Iike the losers you are because you screwed up
the best things you ever had in your lives?
Anna: Mo!
I'm gonna take Hector home.
- Yeah. - Thank you for dinner.
- And thanks so much, Mo. - I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, Jesse. I got a little hot-headed.
Just-- just-- bro, just...
I think you've said enough, man.
Jesse, I said I was sorry.
- Hey. Hey. - Jesse: Yeah.
Why'd you have to call out your brother like that?
Because I'm the only one--
After all he's been through?!
You should concentrate on your own relationship
instead of worrying about everybody else's.
Well, merry goddamn Christmas, everybody.
Stop.
Go to your room.
You know what? I'm gonna do you one better, Ma.
Come on, Sarah. Let's go to the Drake.
I haven't finished eating yet.
Yeah, whatever.
Did you like the tostones?
Delectable.
Nata de coco?
I'd love some.
( beeping )
Look, do you have a Marriott or a Radisson?
- A Motel 8? - ( door opens )
Look, I'll take an empty jail cell-- anything you've got.
- Have you gone off your meds? - Yeah, okay.
Thank you very much.
Let me know if anything opens up.
( clangs )
Piece of shit.
Sarah, let me have your Crackberry.
I'm gonna call hotels.com, see if they've got anything.
I know you're freaked out about this whole divorce thing,
but don't you think we should stay here and be supportive?
Supportive of them throwing 36 years of their marriage down the toilet?
Are you kidding? Give me that.
Do you want to make things worse for your mother?
Her husband cheated on her.
And this is coming from the woman who reserved two rows
for her parents' exes at our wedding. Just give me that.
- No. - Come on. Give it to me now.
- No. - Sarah, I'm gonna take it from you.
- We're staying here. - No, we're not staying.
You've been bugging me for months to stay in a hotel.
- Shh! - We're not gonna stay--
- Shh! Do you want them to hear you? - What?
Are you afraid they might find out you think this place...
( yells ) stinks of fried pork and chuleta, tocineta, puñeta?
( both panting )
Well, somebody's been a naughty little girl.
You've been emailing back and forth with this Barry Kravitz, huh?
Didn't you tell me you turned his job offer down months ago
because of the traveling and the crazy hours, the pressure?
They came back. They sweetened the deal.
And heofferedto back
Brian Donaldson and l in our own hedge fund.
We would be managing $300 million just to start.
- $300 mi-- - Yeah.
And use of the private jet too. Look at that.
Pretty sweet. Congratulations.
That's great.
When were you planning to break it to me gently?
I just--
I just needed a little time to think it over alone.
- ( knocks on door ) - ( door opens )
Requesting a bunk, Lance Corporal.
You're gonna sleep in here?
Your mother threw me out of the bedroom.
And you act surprised.
Mijo, life is full of surprises.
- Oh. - Everybody down at the bodega,
they're all dying to talk to you.
Anyway, this gives us a chance to catch up.
I'm worried about you and Ma.
Yeah? We're more worried about you.
I'm fine.
You know, Jesse,
we know you've been through a lot.
Your mother and me, we rented "Coming Home."
I'm surprised you didn't rent "Taxi Driver."
Yeah, we rented that too.
It's not good to keep things bottled up inside.
You've seen some stuff-- some really bad stuff.
It's a war, Pop.
And you did your very best.
You did.
It should've been me...
not Lenny.
Beating yourself up isn't going to bring him back, mijo.
And if Lenny was here right now,
he'd tell you he'd want you to move on.
His folks...
I can't imagine they're having too many laughs now.
No.
You call them? It might help.
You know, Dad,
it's getting late.
Yeah, okay.
Jesus, Mo, you scared me.
What are you doing up here?
I'm just trying to be alone, okay?
I've got tequila.
- All right, you can stay. - I know.
- What a night. - What, is this hell?
- Are we in hell or what? - Yeah.
Hm-mmm. Hm-mmm.
- It's 10 below outside. - No way. No way.
Mom won't let me smoke inside. Go crack open a window!
I'm not cracking a window. I'm not smoking your pollution.
- Fine. Fine. - How about that? I saved your life.
- Crack that. - How come I didn't get an invite?
- None needed. - No jarheads allowed, man.
- Ow! - Easy!
- Give me that. - You having a flashback?
Wow.
It's like all I need is to be smoking a blunt
and listening to Biggie Smalls.
I lost my virginity on that couch.
- Me too! - Oh, God. Hail the syphilis!
- Oh God, hail you. - Move move.
Roxanna: Don't be mad 'cause you were up here all alone
practicing dance moves in your underwear.
- ( vocalizing ) - ( beatboxing )
Stop it. Stop stop.
- Stop it. - Roxanna: Please don't do it in those.
Hey, that reminds me
I haven't seen Dad in his underwear in a long time.
- It is not pretty. - Is this pretty?
Ma kicked him out of the room and he's staying with me.
He deserves it.
How come you never told us about him cheating before?
'Cause, Rox, I didn't see anything.
I caught him with that little Rosa Salgado, little Pentecostal chick.
Dad just gives me $100.
He says, "Here, don't say nothing."
And you'd think he'd be too old for that shit now.
Rox, they've got Viagra now.
We're gonna be those kids that have to shuttle between houses at Christmas.
No, Rox. No we're not.
- No? - No, because they're gonna sell this house
and they gonna move into separate apartments.
And we're gonna have to stay in a hotel when we come into town?
No.
I know Mauricio and Sarah wouldn't mind that.
- The walls are thin, bro. - Oh yeah?
- Why don't you mind your business? - Ma's always talking about
moving to Puerto Rico. She might actually do it now.
It'd be kind of sweet to have a place out there.
- Did you just say kinda sweet? - Yeah.
So you're okay with Pops moving into a studio apartment
and heating up leftovers? You're fine with that?
Oh, do you realize this is probably
the last Christmas that we'll spend together?
Why, Rox? Why is it gonna be the last?
Why don't we do something? We're gonna let them throw away
36 years of their marriage? We're just gonna sit and talk about it?
He broke her trust! How can she forgive him for that?
- What don't you understand? - Yeah, Ma has every right to leave.
Hey, do you hear yourselves?
You know what you sound like?
You sound like people who aren't married.
Let me tell you about marriage, all right?
Sometimes you're in it, you feel like you don't want the same things anymore
and you start going at each other.
And you go at each other, but you stick it through.
And at the end of that you fall in love all over again.
Andthat's marriage, okay?
So don't tell me that Mom and Dad, after all these years,
don't got a little bit of love left for each other, 'cause I'm not buying that.
Preciosos, I made some pastelillos.
Ah. Uh-huh. You're tired.
Why did you have to drag these boys out of bed?
- Mauricio: We're fine, Ma. - Anna: For 25 years,
I've been begging you to cut down that ugly tree,
and all of a sudden you're gonna do it right now?
- Can I help you with that? - No.
You've still got it, Mamita.
Dirty old man.
Here, how about some hot chocolate?
- Come on. - Marissa: Okay, say thank you.
- Thank you. - Hey, Sarah.
I made some pastelillos.
- Have one. - No, I'm going for a jog.
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to fix the treadmill in the guest room.
How is she going to get pregnant
with all that bouncing up and down?
Enough, all right? Just leave her alone.
Here here here, eat something.
( speaks Spanish )
And what, are you drunk? Still drunk?
- Ma, please. - I can't believe you spent all night
getting drunk with your brothers.
Mauricio: She's a bad influence, Ma.
Anna: Hey, Fernando.
You want some hot chocolate?
No thanks. I'm all set, Mrs. Rodriguez.
- ( revving loudly ) - ( groans )
You're killing me.
Yeah!
This is an SR36 Wood Boss.
Whoa whoa! No! Stop!
Turn it off! Turn it off!
- What's the problem? - It's fine.
But we're gonna use mine.
This is a Sears Chainomatic 3000
- I remember that. - Oh, Dad, come on.
Chuck Norris was on the box.
Everybody, careful. Stand back.
- That looks really dangerous. - ( revs up )
- Hmm? - ( stops )
Mauricio: You overcompensated a little bit, Dad.
- Coño. - What? What?
- 'Cause he's got a little thingy. - ( speaks Spanish )
( buzzing )
( revving loudly )
- Marissa: Oh. - Ooh.
Your man sure is good with his tool, honey.
Mm-hmm, and he's really good with his hands too.
Marissa, there's a child here.
Please, he's three, Ma. He doesn't get innuendo.
Come on, give it some force, man.
( chainsaw whines )
Yo, whoa whoa whoa.
- Step back. - Mauricio: Show him how it's done, Jesse.
- Careful. - Be careful.
Mauricio: Show him how it's done.
Roxanna: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Now that's in innuendo, girl.
I bet my boy Jesse right there--
$20 my boy Jesse gets that tree down.
I'd take Fernando.
Hey, you back off, Barbie.
I didn't mean it that way. It's just that he's big.
- ( women laughing ) - His muscles are big.
And l-- oh, you guys.
- ( laughs ) - Hey hey hey hey!
Don't hurt yourself, man.
What happened? What happened?
It's okay, tough guy.
Let's see it, Nando. Let's see what you've got.
- ( clunks, stops ) - Holy cow.
- Oh no. - What the hell?
- It's cursed, Ma! - Son of a--
Syphilitic tree. Let me try it.
- Hold on, hold on. - Let a real man do it.
Oh no. Stop him, please.
- Oh no, he isn't. - Oh, boy.
- Roxanna: No, Mo. - I got it. All right.
Back off, lraq.
Are you gonna put money down on your husband?
That he seriously hurts himself?
$20. Sure why not?
Mauricio! Put it down.
Relax. Relax, Mom. I've got it.
Roxanna: You can do it. I've got $20 on you.
This little-- the black cord?
Right there. Right there. The black cord.
- ( revving ) - Yeah.
- You hear that? - Whoa whoa whoa!
- ( revving loudly ) - Somebody do something!
Thank you. Thank you.
- ( men yelling ) - Thanks, Sarah.
- Mauricio, put it down! - Sarah: Told you.
- Don't yell at me. - Put it down!
- Get in the house! - I've got it.
- Anna: Put it down. - (chainsaw stops)
You're embarrassing me in front of everybody.
I told you-- get in the house.
Huh? What do you think?
Roxanna: It looks great, Dad.
I don't know what to say.
- Come on. - What?
- Find something to do. - (laughs)
- (shop bell rings) - Oh, my babies!
( laughing )
- Oh, my movie star! - How you doing?
- You look great. - Thanks.
God bless you, baby. You know, I prayed for you every day.
I had to. I know how the military is.
- Yeah. - Hey, y'all! My baby was on the front line!
Figures. They like to cut the dark meat first,
if you know what I'm saying. I'll tell you what it is.
It's Uncle Sam trying to get rid of y'all Latinos.
You know, they lure you in promising you citizenship.
You don't even have to have a green card to serve.
- Oh, come on, Tina. - Oh, you know it's true, white boy.
- (people chuckle) - You find everything?
Yeah, I'm cool.
These high-end magazines must be your touch,
'cause the only thing my Pops reads
is "The Sun Times" and "La Opinión."
You want to see something really cool?
Check this out. It's all about what's happening underground
with music, art, theater-- that kind of stuff.
- Mmm. - You ever think about doing theater?
Yeah, I started in theater.
But I'm just focused on film and TV now.
Yeah. You know what you should do?
- Telenovela. - Oh, yeah, right.
- (both laugh) - Rogelio,
why didn't you tell me before we slept together
you were once married to my mother!
Because when you climaxed and screamed "l love you, Papi,"
- I thought you already knew. - You watch that?
Y'all gotta pay, 'cause I ain't got money for y'all.
That's just crazy.
You all right, baby? Ozzy!
- Whoa whoa. - Tina: Ozzy!
- We gotta go. - What about the beer?
- Come on. - You okay?
Yeah.
These were on sale yesterday. You missed it.
I see everyone at the store is still crazy, huh?
- Yeah yeah. - (beeps)
Look. Your old man finally modernized.
This new system lets you know how much you're wasting,
so you can cost things out better.
Last week we took 3¢ off a pound of pork chops.
- You actually know how to use that thing? - Not really.
Ozzy usually prints it out,
but I want everything running like a well-oiled machine
for when you take over. You'll get the hang of this in no time.
And you've always got Ozzy.
So when do you think you can start?
Uh, look, Dad, l--
Look, it'll help you take your mind off things.
- I'm-- I'm sorry. - No, it's...
You're barely home, for Christ's sake.
You take-- you rest up. You take your time.
You come to work when you're ready.
Okay.
- Yo, Jesse, let's go hang downtown. - What's up?
I've got a couple of rich honeys waiting for us down there.
- No no, I'm cool, brother. - Why not?
What you mean, you're cool, man?
Come on, bro.
I saw the look.
What look?
Well, don't do it, okay?
- What? - I know Marissa is all cool.
She's still fine after all her baby-mama drama.
- Whatever. - Come on, bro.
APuerto Ricanwoman--
she's never gonna forgive that you dropped her, bro.
- That you dumped her like that. - I didn't--
Forget that, all right? Even if you guys were
to get back together, she's gonna seem nice,
but she gonna make you pay for that shit every day.
They're like that, bro.
You don't know what are you talking about.
What do you mean? A million years from now
aliens could come down, they resurrect her ass.
What's the first thing she's gonna say?
"Where is that son of a bitch Jesse?"
No. We could be friends, bro.
"We could be friends."
That's white people shit.
- All right, Johnny. - Come on. Jesse, yo!
What?
( geese honking )
Jesse: Marissa! Hey!
Jesse, what are you doing here?
I remembered you used to take this path to work.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - No, I'm late for work.
- Well, we can walk and talk. - No no no.
I thought that I could do this friend thing, but I can't.
Five years together and you break up with me in a letter.
You didn't even have the guts to tell me before you left.
You think I knew what the hell I wanted?
I was 23, claustrophobic,
Mauricio and Roxanna were off doing their thing.
I just needed to get out too!
I thought all my life's major questions were answered.
I had you, I had the bodega.
If I was gonna make it, I had to move on!
- And I knew that you did too. - You--
you tore my world apart!
And there was nothing that I could do about it.
Believe me, if I had known the way things were gonna turn out,
- I would have never gone. - I suppose I can't even get mad at you
- because you're a goddamn war hero. - I'm not.
Please.
A guy in my unit died because of me!
My buddy Lenny.
He was this funny kid from Wisconsin.
He always wore
his high school basketball jersey underneath his fatigues.
Anyway...
we had taken up position in this abandoned house.
Insurgents had left all this food behind.
We were hunkered in there for the night,
so Whitey, our squad leader,
said that he would treat us to a home-cooked meal.
I was on lookout at the window.
Lenny made me switch with him.
I maybe had, like, three bites
and some asshole launched an RPG right through the window.
Lenny's--
Lenny's body was blown back to the table.
And do you know how I felt?
I was happy.
I-I was so happy
to be alive.
I'm so sorry, Jesse.
( sighs ) Yeah.
I was the lucky one.
Yeah.
His poor family.
Have you talked to them?
No.
It wouldn't make a difference.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
He was their only son.
- Mauricio: Ahem. - (family whispering)
Edy: Jesse.
Hey, Father Torres. Good to see you.
Nice to have you home, son. Any more soy sauce?
Jesse, look. I've taken it upon myself
to bring Father Torres here to talk to Mom and Dad.
- So just go with it, please. Okay? - And where's Mom?
Roxanna: She went out for happy hour with Cheryl and Gladys.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
She can go if she wants. She's a grown woman.
You know she's gonna kill you, right?
Yeah, I'll take my chances. Go sit down.
Okay, everybody, just-- please.
Hi, baby.
I'm sorry I embarrassed you this morning.
It's okay, Mom. I just wanted to tell you that Father Torres is here.
Ay, Dios mio. Who died?
Nobody died, Ma. Before you say no-- don't say no--
I brought Father Torres here to talk to you and Dad about the divorce, okay?
- Please, Ma. - No!
You've got to think this through before you go through with it.
- Did he tell you to do this? - No, Dad had nothing to do with it.
- I'm going upstairs. - Ma, you're not going anywhere.
You're going out there to talk to Father Torres.
Do you know the mouth on that man?
The whole neighborhood's going to know.
- This is about your family. - I didn't make any food.
It doesn't matter. Sarah ordered Chinese food.
- She gave him takeout? - Yes, Ma.
Go out there. Be brave.
Father Torres, so nice to see you.
Do you, um...
I could fix you some real food if you'd like.
Don't trouble yourself. I'll be fine with a couple of these eggrolls
and some more coquito. Your son tells me
that you and Edy are contemplating divorce.
Oh no no, Father, no.
I am getting a divorce.
See, my husband broke his vows
and sinned against God.
Father, it's Christmas. How about a little sermon
about Jesus being born so we can be forgiven for our sins?
I'm not changing my mind.
Now I am sorry, Father,
that my son dragged you all the way out here
for takeout because these women can't cook.
It's the least I can do.
No wonder I don't have a grandchild.
That's what you can do for me, Father.
Can I get some more rum for my coquito?
Pray that I will hold
- a grandchild before I'm dead. - Here we go again.
Maybe there are reasons why they're holding back on having children.
He'd rather take care of a hedge fund than a baby.
- You went crying to your mother? - I didn't go crying.
- It wasn't really crying. - Can you blame him?
What did you expect?
With all this traveling and all these hours
with a hedge fund, the only sex he'll be having is on the phone.
- ( laughs ) - Oh, no no.
He'll be lucky if he gets that.
You know, the only reason
that he wants a baby now
is so that he can try to one-up Jesse
in pleasing you and Edyberto.
- What the hell's she talking about? - That's not true, Sarah.
- Yes it is. - You take one psych course at Brandeis
- and you're Sigmund Freud? - Excuse us, Father.
Anna, Edy, perhaps you should think about the family.
- We'd be fine. - No we wouldn't be fine.
You'd still have your mommy to run home to.
Look, daddy's girl, I know for a fact I'm not the only one
you call when you're strapped for cash.
She needed money for head shots.
You sent her money behind my back?
- Don't talk to me anymore. - Do you see?
Do you see the lies that I have to put up with, Father?
What does Roxanna need money for a head shot for?
- She's a star. - Ma, I'm not a star.
Okay? I'm not a star. That's it.
Everybody thinks I live this glamorous life in Hollywood
when I can barely pay my rent on a dumpy studio
and the payments on a 1999 Kia.
- What? - God!
You know what? I just wish I could have my life
handed to me on a silver platter like Jesse over here.
- Oh, hell yeah. - Yeah.
The prodigal son returns and the rest of us just get pushed to the side
'cause the little prince is here. Everything for the little prince.
- Is that what you think? - Yeah, that's what I think, Jesse.
Why don't one of you come home and take care of the bodega?
Can we all just calm down?
Because you're off living your own lives, right?
What about my life?
I try to get out and do l end up in New York or LA?
No, I end up in lraq.
And what do I got to show for it?
And you think I can just come home and run the bodega?
- Bodegas are good businesses. - I'm not gonna run the bodega!
And that's the voice of God, ladies and gentlemen.
- Maybe we should say a prayer. - Shut up!
So what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna go back to lraq.
I'm gonna sign up for another tour.
- Mijo, that's not gonna change anything. - Maybe.
But at least there I feel like I have some purpose.
- Jesse. - No.
No no no no.
(crying) I just wish we hadn't let him
sign up in the first place.
There are a lot of things I wish I hadn't done.
Well, you can't take them back now, can you?
What's done is done.
Where's Mauricio?
Look, I'm sorry about what I said.
I do want to have a baby.
I just don't understand why it has to be this second,
when I've got this huge opportunity.
I'm not stupid. I understand that I can't have it all.
That at 36, my fertility
is going into a freefall
and that I may have to use the eggs
of some attractive lvy League student
who wants to get ahead on paying off their student loans.
- Look, I'd be happy to adopt. - (crying)
But Mauricio being a Latin doesn't feel the same way.
I promise we will have children.
It may not be this second,
but we will someday, okay?
That doesn't make you feel any better?
Jesse's going to sign up for another tour in lraq.
I'm so sorry.
Mauricio and the kids went down to Julio's Bar.
You want me to drive you down there?
(Latin music playing)
(singing in Spanish)
This music is beautiful.
Anna and l, we danced the first time we met to this song.
Mauricio was conceived to this song.
Okay, I don't think I needed to hear all that.
(groans)
(horn honks)
In the glove compartment, there's medicine.
- Which one? - The green cap.
- ( groans ) - Here.
Don't tell anyone, Sarah.
Please.
Does Anna know?
I just want to enjoy Christmas with my family.
Not that they make it so easy.
(cheering)
I love you guys so much.
- I love you too, Sarah. - I do.
- We love you too, baby. It's okay. - Let's dance.
- No, I don't want to-- - Get a room.
Come on. Come on.
All right. I don't need to be here.
I think he slipped her a hit of E.
- Think he wants a kid that bad? - Yeah.
All you got to do is look at a Puerto Rican girl to get her pregnant.
- Shut up. - Come on, come on.
- Whoo-hoo. - Johnny: Mira.
This is what a real women looks like with a burka.
Right? You go, lady. Come on, you go now.
Wrap our soldier boy over there
with some red, white and blue love.
Your friend here says you got shot up pretty bad.
Oh, yeah yeah yeah. They shot off his dick.
But then they replaced it with a bionic one
and he could jack up a car and change the tire
at the same time.
Really?
(speaks Spanish)
I'm just kidding. Excuse me. I'm sorry.
He's still got all his factory parts, right, Papi?
So you wanna dance?
Roxanna: Jesse, don't you dare. Jesse.
- I'm-- I'm cool. - Come on, bro.
- Go, man, go. - Roxanna: He's cool.
You heard him, he's cool.
- (dance music playing) - Oh no.
That's my song. That's my song, y'all.
- Yo, that's my song. - Oh no.
Oh, yes. Go get 'em, Mo.
(laughing)
Come on. Come on.
Johnny: Oh, he likes that.
Come on, Mo. Yeah!
You got moves. You go, boy, yeah!
All: Go Mo. Go Mo.
- Oh! - Oh!
Go Mo. Go Mo.
Oh!
- Ay yi yi yi yi... - Whoo!
God, it feels good to be back.
- Help me, Sarah. - That was great.
My coccyx. I broke my coccyx.
All I'm asking is if a shot is $5,
- how much for a sip? - A sip?
Yeah, a sip. Just a half a shot maybe.
Can you please take that thing down?
Why? You the biggest star to come out of this neighborhood.
Can I buy you a round?
Wow. I can't believe it. You guys are gonna pay for something?
I'm only cheap when it comes to me.
- How much is her drink? - $8.
- What if she doesn't drink all of it? - Never mind.
Could I please have some change for the jukebox?
Thanks.
Is there something you want to tell me?
No.
- Is there something you want to tell me? - About?
Ozzy.
Come on, you have to admit he's really hot.
He's a thug.
No, he hasn't been messed up in that shit for a while.
Yeah, well, we'll see how long that lasts.
- What does that mean? - Nothing.
Just seeing Alexis again made me remember how bad things got.
(ringtone plays)
My agent.
- They called. - And?
Roger rushed off to his anger management class
- and didn't say anything. - Is that it?
You told me to call you if I heard anything.
Well, you know, maybe they called about something else.
Or maybe they just didn't want to ruin my Christmas.
Please. All right look, girl, I've got to jump.
- I'll hit you later. - Wait.
Bye.
This ain't Cali, girl. They ain't gonna arrest you for smoking inside.
I had to use the phone.
- Want to go for a walk? - No.
I don't want to leave my girl.
- Oh, really? - Really.
Maybe we should give 'em some space.
Come on, let's go.
- Come on. - I don't know.
Cabby!
Jesse: Someplace a little more quiet.
Come on, I just want to talk to you.
Hola, mi amor.
Hey.
- Jesse. - Hey.
Can I buy you guys a drink?
- I'm cool. - No.
Ozzy: So why did it take you three years to come back?
God, I've just been crazy busy, you know?
If it's not one thing, it's something else.
Shit, who am I kidding?
I'm sure you've heard everything.
You'll catch a break. You just--
you just got to hang in there.
Caught a break.
What if I'm waiting on something that never happens?
How much more time should I waste?
A year? Two? 10?
Stuck in the same place while everybody else's life is moving forward.
So what are you gonna do? Move back?
Yeah, maybe. I don't know.
That wouldn't be the worst thing, right?
I never thought I'd hear that coming from you.
I'm 29 years old
and I'm sick and tired of someone else deciding my fate
when I'm just as good if not better
than most of the actresses out there.
- They don't know me. - You are good.
Like that time that you played that homeless chick in "One Way Ticket."
- You saw that? - Are you kidding?
You killed it. You're like the Puerto Rican Meryl Streep.
Yeah, right.
Your parents made us watch the DVD like five times.
- Of course they did. - Yeah.
Look, don't tell anybody what I said.
All right? I'm all over the place right now.
I'll think about it.
You'll think about it?
- Don't make me kick your ass. - You got to catch me.
- Kick my ass. - Don't make--
- Kick my ass. What? - I will kick your ass.
Why are you running? Why are you running?
We didn't use protection.
Nope. You said you wanted to make a baby.
I was completely loaded.
In vino veritas.
Oh, really? Oh, really?
And I probably told the bartender he looked like George Clooney.
Mm-hmm. Among other things.
What's the date? What's the date?
What is the date?
It's Christmas Eve, December 24th.
Okay, that public library event, I had my period.
- What are you doing? - That's 19 days.
Okay, I'm okay. We're okay.
I think we're okay. I hope we're okay.
Mauricio, how could you take advantage of me like that?
I didn't take advantage of you.
- You took advantage of me. - Oh!
You don't want to make a baby anymore?
Oh, well, I just think it's something
that we should be discussing while I'm sober.
Okay, all right, all right. You're sober now.
Let's discuss this.
Do you or don't you want to make a baby with me?
I don't-- I don't want to talk about this.
I feel like shit.
Oh my God.
The colors in this room are inducing a migraine.
Does that mean we're not gonna try again?
Oh, eat me.
Don't even think about it.
- (Latin music playing) - (people celebrating)
Woman: Merry Christmas, everyone.
Oh, you got moves.
No bad. Now you spin.
Coquito, ladies?
Ozzy.
Ozzy, gracia, amigo.
Thank you, Edy.
- Uli, Uli. Feliz Navidad. - Thank you.
- Tina. - (phone rings)
Hello? Excuse me. I'll be right back.
- Come on, baby. - No.
- Coquito? - Oh no.
- You think I don't know? - Know what?
That every year your father gets me drunk at the Christmas party
so I don't notice how light my envelope is.
- Come on. - Huh-uh, not gonna have any of that stuff
until I see the size of my Christmas bonus.
All right. Okay.
Not gonna trick me again.
Dad.
The rest of the checks.
- Yeah, I got it. - All right.
Go. You go.
Go hang out with Johnny or something.
Don't feel like you've got to stick around here.
Dad, look, I know you're not happy about me going back.
Of course I'm not.
Jesse, I'm your father. I want you safe.
I want you here.
I'm sorry.
How can I make you understand?
You can't. Just like I can't make you stay.
There's a point when all a father can do is just get out of the way.
Thanks, Dad.
I'd better give Tina her check.
Otherwise she's gonna start the revolution.
Any word?
No, I'm just texting my girl.
What are you telling her?
How much you had last night in the fine city of Chicago?
No, I'm telling her how freaking freezing it is here.
Cali had made you all soft, girl.
You move back here, you'll be wearing hot pants in this weather.
Yeah, well, hopefully I'll get this show.
Yeah, I hope so.
Hey, I had a really good time last night.
- Great time last night. - Me too.
Really good time.
But I just don't want you to get the wrong impression.
Nah, come on. You're like a sister to me.
Yeah, that's what I told Jesse this morning.
That you're like a brother and it's just weird.
Don't even worry about it.
- I'm gonna grab a drink. - Okay.
I'll see you later?
Okay.
(singing in Spanish)
(Sarah singing in Spanish)
(laughs) Mira eso.
Sarah, you've been practicing for the parranda.
I'm trying. I didn't exactly grow up singing Christmas carols.
No, you're doing great.
I can't tell you what this means to me.
I look forward to the parranda all year.
You must be looking for this.
Thank you.
Listen, thank you for keeping my secret.
Look, Edyberto,
I really appreciate your trust in me.
Who else can I trust? You're the only one who's not Puerto Rican in this house.
But I really think you need to tell them.
I'll tell them soon enough.
Life is short, Sarah.
I don't want anything to get in the way of them having a good time.
- You understand? - Pop, where are the mitten warmers?
Yeah, coming.
No no no no no.
- Keep practicing. - Mm-hmm.
(both singing in Spanish)
- (doorbell ringing) - Anna: Guys, come on. Hurry up.
Vamos pa' la parranda.
Here we go. Here we go.
Anna, Roxanna, vámonos.
(all talking)
- There they go. - ♪ The first noel... ♪
- Merry Christmas. - ♪ The angels did say ♪
♪ Was to certain poor shepherds ♪
♪ In fields where they lay ♪
- ♪ Noel, noel... ♪ - La parranda!
♪ Noel, noel ♪
♪ Born isthe king ♪
♪ Of lsrael. ♪
(cheers)
♪ Come all ye faithful ♪
♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪
♪ O come ye ♪
♪ To Bethlehem ♪
♪ Come and behold him ♪
♪ Born the king of angels ♪
♪ O come let us adore him ♪
♪ O come let us adore him... ♪
Ozzy, come on.
Come on.
They're over here. Give me the baby.
- Come on. - They're right there.
♪ O come all ye faithful ♪
♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪
♪ O come all ye faithful ♪
♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪
♪ O come all ye faithful ♪
♪ Joyful and triumphant... ♪
(church bell tolling)
♪ Joyful and triumphant. ♪
(cheering)
(Latin music playing)
- Have you seen your brother? - Yeah, he's over there.
Why aren't you two dancing?
And compete with them?
Excuse me.
Where did you get these earrings? I want to get a pair for Gladys.
- They're beautiful. - Okay, you know the--
What's going on?
We're going to midnight mass.
Hey, Edy. I see you've met my new novio.
Tony.
A pleasure.
- You coming to church? - Please.
He hasn't been to midnight mass in over 20 years.
- I'd love to come. - Great.
Vámonos.
Roxanna. Roxanna.
- Bye, Ma. - Bye.
Yo, say thanks, baby.
Come on, Rox. What you got, baby?
So you still got some moves, huh?
Depends on who my partner is.
(chuckles)
I'm sure you say that to all the boys on the base.
- Stay away from my girl. - We were just dancing.
Go get Ozzy. Go get Ozzy.
Hey hey hey!
- You seen Ozzy? - No, Mama, I ain't seen him.
Oh shit!
Ma.
You got to pick up the pace, Ma.
I'm trying. You got to be patient.
I can't wait for the sopadito you're gonna cook for me upstairs.
We can have a party, you and me. After all, it's Christmas.
You should apply at the post office.
They hire extra people at the holidays.
No, I will. I'll do that on Monday. Okay, Mom?
I hope so.
Oh, merry Christmas.
Hey, Ma, you go inside, okay?
Start that sopadito. I got to talk to my boy here.
You sure? You want to come in now?
No no, he's busy. He's a busy guy.
(speaking Spanish)
Can't let you kill me in front of my mom, man.
So you know why I'm here?
I guess it's payback time.
I'm ready, man.
I had 10 years to be ready.
Let's go.
He was like a father and mother to me.
It was either him or me, man. It could have gone either way.
He was all I had.
I got nothing.
I got nothing!
Do what you got to do, brother.
(phone ringing)
Come on.
- That you calling? - Yeah, what the hell?
- You okay? - Yeah.
(splashes)
- You must be cold. - I'm fine.
(radio playing)
(turns radio off)
How could you do it?
Anna, you're the only woman I've ever loved.
And Suzy Lee? You think I don't know her name?
There'll be plenty of time to discuss this after the holidays.
I just want us to enjoy the kids.
Enjoy Christmas.
Afterthe kidsaregone,
you and I have nothing left to say to each other.
(door opens)
Jesse: You can't focus.
Mauricio: I got this.
- A little of this. - You're gonna get caught.
You'd better be careful. Oh oh, oh-oh.
What's going on? Heard you got into a fight with Fernando.
- Yeah yeah yeah. - Fess up.
Well, when you love a woman you've got to do anything for her, right?
I guess so.
Mauricio knows what I'm talking about.
Never lose that feeling, mijo.
You know how I got this?
Let me take a wild guess.
Yeah, why don't you just take a stab in the dark?
Wrestling Manuel Santos on the pier at Ponce.
- He was the featherweight... -...champion of the world.
You laugh, you laugh. The point is I never let him steal my girl.
- Never let him steal my girl. - I'm proud of you.
Now I can't even take down a goddamn tree
to give your mother a view.
We should just go out there ourselves and take that tree down.
Let's go take that tree down now.
Great idea. Let's do it, Pop.
I've got some chains in the basement.
Wrap them around, tie them up to the car.
- Come on. - Come on, get up.
(whistles)
You good? All right, Pop.
- We're all good. - Let me know when it's tight.
- Okay. - Pedal to the metal. Come on.
Go go go go.
Hey hey hey!
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Stop stop.
What are you doing?
- What the hell are you doing? - What?
- Sure you don't want me to drive? - No, I got it.
I can't wait to see your mother's face in the morning when she sees this.
- Mom's gonna freak. - (laughing)
(tires squealing)
Jesse: Keep going. Go go go.
- That's it, that's it. - Come on, Pop.
- Keep going. - A little more.
- You got nothing, man. - Come on, Dad.
You're looking good. Go!
- Go go go go! - Go!
- (grunts) - Dad! Dad!
You could've been killed. What were you thinking?
You wanted a view. I was gonna give you a view.
Sorry, Mom, I shouldn't have helped him.
I helped too. You got to take blame for everything as well?
Don't listen to them. I would've done it without them.
And I still will. You watch me.
You better make sure you get his head checked.
This is his medicine.
They might need this.
(siren wails)
Ma! (speaks Spanish)
- What happened? - Is Dad okay?
Sit down. All of you, please.
He didn't seem that banged up, Mom, come on.
What is it? Just say it.
I hate when you do this. Just say it.
Your father has cancer.
What?
And here I was going to leave him.
God's punishing me.
- They called his doctor in. - Doctor?
So he knew?
How did he keep this from us?
I don't know.
Me.
Hey, Uncle Edy, that tree looked a whole lot worse than you did.
But it didn't go down, so you better not go down.
- Oh, hi, Suzy Lee. - Hey, Edy.
I'm Dr. Lee, your dad's oncologist.
It's nice to finally meet you all.
He's told me so many great things about you.
We just want to know the prognosis.
- Has he metastasized? - Has he started chemo?
I know you've got a million questions and I am more than happy to answer them.
I think your dad needs some rest.
Why don't we meet down in the cafeteria in about 20 minutes?
I'm Anna, his wife.
Of course, Anna. It's good to meet you.
- We'll talk in a few minutes. - Okay.
Roxanna: She seems nice.
She's a gynecologist?
- Johnny. - I'm just kidding. Come on.
Give me a few moments with your mother.
Yeah.
Hey, let's go.
Papi!
Ay, mijo.
It's okay. It's okay.
Go on.
Mi amor.
Estúpido.
Why didn't you tell me?
I wanted us to enjoy the time we have.
(groans)
How do you think it's enjoyable
for me to think you're with another woman?
I'm sorry.
But when you started going on about the divorce,
I thought, maybe this is a good thing.
Maybe this way she'll know
that she can be happy when I'm not around.
You silly man.
What am I going to do with you?
How could you not tell me, Sarah? You didn't tell me.
When are you going to trust in the fact that I love you?
Your dad loves you, Mauricio.
Just because I love my job doesn't mean I love you less.
You'll see that when we have kids of our own.
Don't worry about the kid thing.
I'm getting used to the idea of not having kids anyway.
I want to start trying right away.
Life is short, right?
- Yeah. - Let's just do it.
Wow, when are you gonna turn the job down?
I'm still gonna take the job.
- Wow, not even a dent. - Yeah.
To make the pernil taste great you've got to puncture it like this.
And then you put the garlic cloves in it.
Okay, now the pasteles, you need to--
We got it, Mami. Now go back to the hospital.
- Please. - (ringtone chiming)
- Is that your agent? - Yeah.
Ay, Diosito. Let it be good news.
- We need good news today. - Amen.
Hey, Sarah.
Um, I'll really glad you're here.
Hey.
How you holding up?
God, if I see any more sofrito, I think I'll scream.
I don't know how my mom does it.
I heard you didn't get the part.
No, I got the part. I just didn't take it.
What?
It was for the seventh lead on a TV show
that'll probably be off the air after three episodes anyway.
It wasn't all that.
Yeah, it was.
I can't say I'm mad at you.
- You better not be. - I'm not.
Well well well.
- What do we got here? - Get a life, Jesse.
- Shut up, man. - Oh yeah.
(doorbell rings)
- Hey. - Hey.
Fernando here?
He's at his cousin's house.
He's gonna be by soon
and you know he's not gonna be happy if he finds you here.
My mom just wanted me to bring this by for Hector.
You really didn't have to do that.
- Ooh, a truck. - Oh, yeah.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I know things got messed up with the fight,
but I was hoping you'd still come by the house.
- We're going to Fernando's parent's place. - Oh.
I'm looking at you
and I realize the one thing I haven't said is...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Marissa.
Look, Jesse,
it's like when we--
when we fall in love,
we take a chance that we might get hurt.
But we choose to do it anyway.
And it's just like with you and Lenny.
When he switched watch with you,
he knew that he was taking a risk.
Then he took your place
and you're still here.
He gave you a second chance.
(phone ringing)
Why would you want to throw that away?
Hello? Hey.
Can you pick up some milk?
Thanks.
Yeah.
I'm glad you found somebody to make you happy.
I just wish it could've been me.
You should probably go.
Yeah.
Goodbye, Marissa.
Goodbye.
Uh...
hello.
Mrs. Brewer?
Hi, it's Jesse.
I'm Lenny's friend.
Mauricio: You like these? Mom, how'd you know my size?
Anna: It's real comfortable too.
I used to be small. Now it's extra large.
What is this?
Oh, looks big. Looks big.
- Oooh. - Oh.
Achristening gown.
Mauricio told me about your plans.
Yeah, um--
we've never really talked about baptism.
No we didn't. No we didn't.
But we're not gonna bar mitzvah the kid.
Come on, who ever heard of a Puerto Rican Jew?
- Geraldo Rivera. - Juan Epstein.
That's a television character. Stay out of it, thank you.
Actually, in San Juan there are a lot of Puerto Rican Jews.
- Oh, Ma. - (car horn playing tune)
That's Johnny.
That necklace that Edy gave you is so beautiful.
- That's not all she's getting. - Roxanna: Dad!
I meant the tree. You said you wanted a view.
I'm gonna call those guys back after the holidays and take it down.
Huh-uh. It's old,
it's ugly, but it's my tree.
And I love it.
Who needs a view anyway?
Whatever you wish.
Uncle Edy, Uncle Edy.
Oh, look what fell off the truck.
We got a brand new and improved situation going on here for you.
There it is, brand new and improved.
- That's so sweet. - Yeah.
- Yeah! - Ma, what is this?
That's for your dad. Put it away.
- Smell 'em. - No!
Did you regift? You regifted.
Anna: Thank you so much, Johnny.
- (Latin music playing) - (cheering)
Come on. Come on, dance with me.
When it's cold you've got to jiggle the key a couple of times.
'Cause sometimes the lock sticks.
I got it, Pop. I got it.
- I know you do. - (lock clicks)
(laughs)
(hip-hop music playing)
♪ It's another one of them bangers ♪
♪ This one's dedicated to the family ♪
♪ We love you ♪
♪ Yeah, oh yeah ♪
♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, oh yeah ♪
♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah ♪
♪ Mifamilia ♪
♪ We stick together when times are calling ♪
♪ Es una pandilla ♪
♪ Where the only weapons are weapons for loving ♪
♪ Mifamilia ♪
♪ We come together when the game gets tough ♪
♪ Come on, come on, that's enough ♪
♪ There ain't no way you can mess with us ♪
♪ And God knows I ain't perfect ♪
♪ But when it comes down to my fam, I know it's worth it ♪
♪ They'll say he did it on purpose ♪
♪ Became something though you thought I was worthless ♪
♪ Jesus Christ, he's so nice ♪
♪ Blame it on the beans and rice, weeds and pipes ♪
♪ Should have been deported twice whether wrong or right ♪
♪ The illest realest Spanish rap you ever heard in your life ♪
♪ It's mi familia regaeton with a live band ♪
♪ Born in America, why we don't feel like it's our land ♪
♪ At times, man, I sit back and wonder ♪
♪ Is the belly of the beast gonna take us under? ♪
♪ Through the lightening and thunder living la vida loca ♪
♪ Oops, sorry, meant loco, I bet you still get the point though ♪
♪ We went cuckoo for cocoa, all we wanted was more dough ♪
♪ We la familia for life beyond today and tomorrow ♪
♪ Mifamilia ♪
♪ We stick together when times are calling ♪
♪ Es una pandilla ♪
♪ Where the only weapons are weapons for loving ♪
♪ Mifamilia ♪
♪ We come together when the game gets tough ♪
♪ Come on, come on, that's enough ♪
♪ There ain't no way you can mess with us ♪
♪ Mi familia llámame cuando me nesecita ♪
♪ No importa la hora o el día yo te hago cita ♪
♪ Mi mejor amiga, mi mejor amigo ♪
♪ Mi hermano, mi hermana, mi primo, prima, tía y tío ♪
♪ Mi padre, mi madre, de lo viejo consejo vivo ♪
♪ Cuetión de regaetón si no es familia no confío ♪
♪ Santo Domingo, a Puerto Rico ♪
♪ Sabe lo que hay cuando vengo con mi corillo ♪
♪ Lo mexicano y columbiano ♪
♪ Somos todos iguales pregúntale a los cubano ♪
♪ Ecuadorian oo venezolano ♪
♪ Guantemanteco halce la mano son mis panos ♪
♪ Lo panameño, salvedureño ♪
♪ Chile, Perú, y también los hondureños ♪
♪ Desde Nicaragua y Costa Rica ♪
♪ España y Argentina que Dios me la bendiga ♪
♪ Mifamilia ♪
♪ We stick together when times are calling ♪
♪ Es una pandilla ♪
♪ Where the only weapons are weapons for loving ♪
♪ Mi familia ♪
♪ We come together when the game gets tough ♪
♪ Come on, come on, that's enough ♪
♪ There ain't no way you can mess with us ♪
♪ Yeah, oh yeah ♪
♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, oh yeah ♪
♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, oh yeah ♪
♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, oh yeah ♪
♪ Ain't no way you can mess with us. ♪