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(THUNDER CRASHING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
(THUNDER CRASHING)
For those of you who don't go to the movies
or to the theater or watch television,
let me introduce myself.
My name is Peter O'Toole.
(GUITAR STRING TWANGS)
Quite.
For one reason or another, the motion picture
you are about to watch is not very clear in parts.
As a matter of fact, it was made to demonstrate
how not to make a motion picture
and at the same time win an Academy Award.
In fact, Solomon at the front office
has thought the occasional word
from me might clarify the plot
and any other vague portions of the film.
In my view, fat chance.
Still, if you're sitting comfortably, let us begin.
(THUNDER CRASHING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(WOMAN SCREECHING)
(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)
Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the beginning
of the journey in which two brothers,
Oliver and Stanley Rosenblum,
make their way to a mythical place called El Dorado,
as depicted in the poem by Edgar Allan Poe.
But first, they have to appear at the Las Vegas amphitheater
for a very strange group.
Well I hardly know how to describe.
Whatever, you'll see.
(JAZZ MUSIC)
Good evening ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the Nevada Amphitheater
in downtown Las Vegas.
Well here it is the late '70s going on 1985.
You know most of the music we hear today
is nothing more than pre-programmed electronic disco.
We very rarely get a chance to hear
master blues men practicing their craft anymore.
By the year 2020, the music known as the blues
will only exist in the classical record department
of your local library.
So while we still can,
please welcome from Rock Island, Illinois the blues music
of Oliver and Stanley Rosenblum:
The Jews brothers.
(PIANO GLISSANDO)
GROUP: Shit!
Get to the Jew boys!
CROWD: Sieg Heil!
(MAN YELLING)
(CAR REVVING)
(GUNS FIRING)
(MEN YELLING)
(CARS REVVING)
("RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES" BY RICHARD WAGNUR)
I want those Jews brothers roasting
on a German spit, yeah.
This is America land of the free,
and I want them free and over easy.
(LAUGHING)
(AIR FLAPPING)
Why are we performing to neo-Nazis, Oliver?
OLIVER: It was supposed to be a bar mitzvah, Stanley.
Whose?
Do you think they're firing real bullets at us?
Does that answer your question?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(MAN YELLING)
MAN: I've been shot!
Are we going to the casino, Oliver?
With what?
Didn't we get paid from the last gig?
I don't think any California neo-Nazi party
were interested in paying for any form of entertainment
from two Jewish entertainers, Stanley, do you?
Maybe not, Ollie.
(MAN MUMBLING)
(BLOWS)
(CHUCKLING)
Wanna have some fun, huh?
(CAR DOOR SLAMMING)
(CHANGE JINGLING)
(BELL DINGING)
(PHONE RINGING)
(MAN LAUGHING MANICALLY)
Hello!
JJ Hamilton, an agency for the, hello?
Hello!
This can't be a prank phone call, I (LAUGHS).
Hello?
JJ Hamilton, Agency for Gifted People!
So what about people without a bullet proof vest?
What?
JJ, can you hear me?
Yeah, I can hear you.
Who is that?
It's Oliver Rosenblum.
- Who? - Oliver Rosenblum.
From the Jews brothers.
Oliver!
Oliver, how's my favorite client?
How's the show going?
JJ, we were fired at.
No problem, don't worry.
Even the best of 'em get fired once and a while.
- It happens. - No, JJ.
We were shot at.
Shot at?
What kind of bat mitzvah is this?
There was no bat mitzvah, JJ.
The roasting these guys wanted to do
was of me and Stan.
(JJ MUTTERING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Whoa, hold on there, Oliver.
I got another call.
JJ, we need to get some work quick.
Just a second, okay?
Just stay on the line, okay, stay on the line.
I'm very busy, but I always have time for you.
Just stay on the line.
Hello, hello, hello!
Agency for the Stars.
JJ, is that you, you asshole?
What's wrong, Leslie?
What's wrong?
You've done it again.
I thought you were sending me
to some kinky Nazi party convention.
I get there and this guy starts giving me shit
because I tossed my G-string into the fountain,
the same time as they dip a baby's head into the basin.
How did I know it was a bat mitzvah?
I thought the stage was done for something a little hinky,
a bit of water sports maybe.
I don't know about bat mitzvahs.
I'm a stripper, JJ.
They wanted a Blues Brothers tribute act.
A Jewish which Blues Brothers,
like those other assholes you represent?
Leslie, now Stanley and Oliver are professional musicians.
Well it's my pink pussy that makes you the money.
Remember that, JJ.
How am I gonna sing the blues with my tits?
Hold on, Lesllie.
Maybe I can find ya something else.
(LAUGHING) That's it!
I think I found the ideal gig for both of ya.
They want a stripper and a band,
and I think you can even take
your half-wit boyfriend with ya.
Now listen, listen hard and listen quick.
I want you to make a left on route 66, okay?
That's right near Boon's Diner and Gas Station,
but don't be late, they want you for dinner.
Okay, Leslie, gotta go.
Bye bye, bye bye.
(JJ MAKING KISSY NOISES)
- Mwah! - JJ!
Yeah, Oliver, Oliver.
Oliver, my boy.
I don't know how you did it,
but somehow you got mixed up at Leslie's show.
Well, I didn't make the booking.
No, no you didn't.
But I think I got a winner for ya here.
Are you sure this time?
Would I lie to ya, Ollie?
Come on, I got you covered.
It's the same show as Leslie, different night.
Okay, take down the details.
So, as Oliver and Stanley get the address
to their next who in El Dorado,
unknown to them, someone else who will cross their path
is making a surprise return visit to her husband
on the other side of town at a strip club called
the Vertical Smile.
Yeah, this is what you call matrimonial bliss.
You better come and do that now.
What's going on?
Who is she, Roy?
What are you talking about, Darlin?
Get up.
You'll need that to take the taste away before you leave.
Ah, sweetie pie.
It was only a slight indiscretion.
Come back!
Meanwhile the boys are finding
that getting to El Dorado is not easy,
even after getting shot at by neo-Nazis and ex-wives.
So the question is, what else can happen?
- (POPPING) - What the hell was that?
OLIVER: We have a flat.
STANLEY: What, again?
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
Now we have the scene where the spurned wife
meets our heroes down that dusty back road
leading to El Dorado.
Is she the good Samaritan they need?
(SQUEAKING)
STANLEY: Ow!
(WHISTLING)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
Where the hell are you going?
I think I can see something?
(OMINOUS CRESCENDO)
(MEN PASSING GAS)
Hoo!
Who was eating them goddamned beans again?
(WOMAN CHUCKLING)
(SHOES SCUFFING)
So where the hell have you been?
I think I found some help.
Where?
There, in the desert.
There's about 50 of them.
They look like good ole boys.
We don't need any help, Stanley.
The car's fixed; let's go.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
Shit.
Well, what's wrong, Ollie?
We've ran out of gas.
Looks like we've got a hole in our tank, Stanley.
I can fix it, but we ain't got any gas.
Well, what are we gonna do?
You better show me where those good ole boys are.
I just hope we don't get raped.
Well they look all right.
Well looks can be deceiving, Stanley.
They sure can, boys.
What are these dudes wearing?
Are they supposed to be undertakers?
We're the Jews Brothers.
Jews Brothers?
Shit, look more like the ugly brothers to me.
You make fun of me, you ugly son of a bitch?
My brother will whip your ass.
Is that a fact?
He's speaking for himself.
That's not what short-stop said,
is it short-stop?
Let me have him.
I could do with the exercise.
(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)
- I'm a lover, not a fighter. - Good!
You'll fuck first, then you can fight for your life.
(HONKING)
- Strip, big boy. - What?
You heard the lady.
Get your duds off.
(ROCK MUSIC)
You got off lightly, stranger.
But remember we don't wanna see you
around these parts again.
You understand?
(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE RUMBLING)
Yo, Stanley.
Don't drop rubbish on the floor.
Aren't we in enough trouble?
WOMAN: Are you guys lost?
Well, we've been kidnapped.
Kidnapped?
Yeah, it's a long story.
Could you give us a lift?
- Where to? - About 20 miles that way.
Sure can, why don't you get on in.
(TWANGY MUSIC)
You boys all ready for the feast?
Sure am, Mayor.
- Sure am. - Very nice, Tommy.
What you got there?
Don't hide it, don't hide it.
It's nipples, sure enough.
I like to suck on a teat now and then.
(GIGGLES)
Hmm, very tasty.
Very tasty, isn't that right, Lemmas?
But how do you know they're female?
They're the ones without the hair attached,
can't you tell?
(TOMMY GIGGLES)
Well said, Tommy.
Very well said.
I do like the taste of shortbreads.
Can't beat the sound of that plop in your mouth
when you bite in that ball.
(CHUCKLES)
Delicious, eh Lemmas?
Look, all ready for the festival.
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
You got a nice little something
I could take home for my dinner tonight, Lemmas?
Hold on.
What's your fancy, Mayor?
I bit kinder, you know how Ma Louise
likes a nice bit of lean breast, no fat.
Coming right up.
(WOMAN GROANING)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
She does carry on a bit, don't she?
(TWANGY MUSIC)
♪ Dressed in black ♪
♪ Looking fine ♪
♪ And walking real smooth ♪
♪ On the town ♪
♪ On the prowl ♪
♪ No way they could lose ♪
♪ Here they go ♪
♪ On the way ♪
♪ You better stay clear ♪
♪ Dressed in black ♪
♪ Looking fine ♪
♪ Now here comes the fear ♪
♪ Here they go, on their way ♪
♪ You'd better stay clear ♪
♪ Dressed in black ♪
♪ Looking fine ♪
♪ Now here comes the fear ♪
♪ Dressed in black ♪
(JAZZ MUSIC)
(PHONE RINGING)
Darling!
Nothing was happening, I swear.
Why would I want anybody but you?
I can see naked girls any day of the week,
but it's you that makes me hard, sweet pea.
Come back.
I wanna give you something.
Please come back.
Ah, don't beg.
It sounds pitiful.
At least let me remember you the way that you are,
a sniveling little rat.
Oh, and by the way sweetheart.
Do you remember that suitcase you left in the loft?
What suitcase?
Oh, you know darling.
The nice little silver one in the cupboard
with all the money in it.
Why don't we call it a payoff
for all the years that I gave you?
Oh, and by the way, Roy.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
(ROY SCREAMING)
(TOMMY GIGGLING)
You want something, Missy?
Fill up my baby, laughing boy,
and check under the hood, will you?
Will do.
Is there a packet of cigarettes there?
Just as soon as I've sorted out your car.
Great.
You got a wash room?
Out back, wash basin, too.
To cool off in all this heat.
(TOMMY GIGGLING)
See you got a pussy wagon.
(WATER DRIPPING)
(ELECTRICITY HUMMING)
Oh god, what's that smell?
That'll fuck her chances
of getting out of Death Valley now.
(GIGGLING)
(ELECTRICITY HUMMING)
(WATER DRIPPING)
Ugh, god.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(ELECTRICITY HUMMING)
(WATER DRIPPING)
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(JESSICA SCREAMING)
(TOMMY LAUGHING MANICALLY)
(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)
Meanwhile, back at the front of the gas station,
Oliver and Stanley arrive trying to find
the town of El Dorado and a dentist for Stanley.
What they really need is a map.
(TWANGY MUSIC)
Anyone at home?
Yo, I said is anyone at home?
Maybe we should go?
Go where, Stanley?
We're lost, unless you know the way to El Dorado?
No.
Stanley, if you don't know and I don't know,
maybe we should ask someone who does,
you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Hey, it's the Soggy Bottom Boys.
The Soggy Bottom Boys shit.
We're the Jews Brothers from Chicago, Illinois,
and we're looking for the town called El Dorado, mister.
You don't know the way, do you?
You bet.
I was born and bred there.
El Dorado, no town like it.
Anyway, it says here you're the Soggy Bottom Boys.
Now, Sir, do we look like the Soggy Bottom Boys to you?
You do there.
I think we need a new agent, Ollie.
Do you have a restroom?
What?
I need to have a pee, you know.
Oh, it's out of order.
Out of order?
Yeah, something died in there, hoo!
If I don't find a restroom fast,
something's gonna die here.
I'm sorry, it's locked.
Oh, I'll find somewhere else.
So, do you know where El Dorado is?
You bet.
Well would you like to enlighten me with your knowledge?
It's about four miles down the road,
and you'll see a sign post on the left.
(TRUNK SLAMMING)
You wouldn't know where to find
a good dentist around these parts?
I sure do, mister.
That'd be Doc Martin.
He's on your way out there,
around 10 miles the other side of town.
He's a good sort of bones, old Doc Martin.
And he won't cost you much, either.
- (GIGGLES) - Thanks!
So where did you go?
I'll tell ya later.
(HARMONICA MUSIC)
Are you sure this is the way, Ollie?
That's what it says on the card.
Oh, my tooth.
I think we found it.
Hey, buddy, we're looking for the Doc Martin.
Does he live around here?
Who wants him?
My brother needs a dentist, that's all.
I like you boys, you pay in cash.
That's a real good way to start a relationship.
- Will it hurt? - Ooh, do you want it to?
No!
- Well, you're the customer. - Ollie!
Nothing to worry about, my little friend.
I rarely miss that vein,
and if I do, the second one's on the house.
That's not bad.
(STANLEY BREATHING HEAVILY)
Hold 'em down.
(STANLEY WHIMPERING)
Whoa, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh!
Ooh!
Hmmm, I got it.
Oh, oh.
Yeah.
Now get down to the real business.
This is the part I like.
Kind of like digging for gold.
Hell, you never know what you're gonna find.
(OLIVER LAUGHING)
I think you'd better wait in the other room.
That's good.
I get real jumpy around drills, you know?
Yeah, most people do.
Lots of frillies, but no money.
Shit, shit, shit!
(PHONE RINGING)
Bobby phone?
What?
Jessica, you bitch.
Are you there?
You can't do this to me.
It's my fucking money.
You know who you're fucking with!
Wrong number, tough guy.
(TOMMY GIGGLES)
(ROCK MUSIC)
(GRUNTING AND GIGGLING)
(LESLIE SCREAMING)
Don't worry little lady.
I haven't forgot about you.
Oh!
Let me see your breasts!
(LESLIE CRYING)
I love to feel the smooth texture of your skin.
I like to stroke the smooth skin
and firm breasts.
No!
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
You smell real good.
You smell like dead fish up there.
Were you playing with your boyfriend
before I found you on the layby?
You won't be performing at our festival.
You'll be the main course.
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
Don't cry, little girl.
Don't cry.
Daddy will only kill you if you tell a lie.
Let me smell those water spots between your thighs.
Let me wipe away those tears from your eyes before you die.
I loved poetry at school.
Can't you tell?
(TOMMY LAUGHING MANICALLY)
No!
(TOMMY WHIMPERING)
Jessica?
You bitch!
You'll pay for that.
(TOMMY COUGHING)
- You'll pay for that. - No!
(SAW ENGINE RUMBLING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
Jess?
Jess!
Jessica!
(TOMMY PANTING)
Your boyfriend tastes good!
You want a bite?
Ted, it's Roy.
I need your help.
Something has happened and I don't know who else to turn to.
Thanks.
(POP MUSIC)
What is this shit?
(COUNTRY MUSIC)
That's better.
Your brother'll be fine.
So were you in Vietnam or what?
Oh yeah, many moons ago.
I mean, I don't mean to pry, you know?
No problem.
Oh, so is that you?
Yeah.
Like I said, many moons ago.
You want a beer?
No, thanks.
So, yeah, it's a nice picture.
We were like the Spartan Army.
300 strong.
We could take on anyone.
(JAZZ MUSIC)
300 when we started, anyway.
Good men from good families,
ready and willing to fight for the cause,
fight the good fight, free the country of communism,
get rid of the reds.
Red, red, fire in the shed.
I'd rather be dead than red.
One by one we fought until the cause no longer mattered.
We just wanted to stay alive, whatever it took.
That 300 became 200,
then 100,
then 50, 20, 10, until it was only two of us left.
By the end of it, neither of us knew
what we were fighting for.
It wasn't country or cause.
I'm not even sure it was for ourselves.
I only knew that I had to keep going
because one day I'd be back to a place I loved,
a place where my family lived,
a place I called home.
So you still see him or what?
That's what they gave us.
What?
Nice, real nice.
It's a pocket watch.
That's what they gave us for serving our country
for six long years, a pocket watch.
Guess somebody thought that's all a man's life is worth.
I guess somebody thought that's all be need is a timepiece
to watch our life ebb away with no friends by our side.
(DOC MARTIN CHUCKLES)
Now you boys come back any time you want.
Yeah, we will.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(SMOOTH CELLO MUSIC)
Hiya, Moses.
Hey.
- You got a whiskey for me? - Sure thing, Mr. Ted.
Mr. Pickleford back there?
Mr. Roy's out back, detective.
Sure do like that shirt.
Thank you.
You want anything else?
Not anything that anyone else doesn't want.
(MOSES CHUCKLES)
Come in.
Ah, Ted.
Thank god you're here.
Sit down.
What's going on?
Are you in trouble with protection again?
No, it's nothing like that.
It's Jessica.
Ah, that little bitch.
What'd she do this time?
Catch you fucking one of the other girls?
Of course not.
Well, yes she did,
but that's not what I'm worried about.
She's gone missing,
but with my fucking money.
You try calling her?
Well why didn't I think of that?
Of course I tried calling her.
The last time I called her, was somebody else on the line.
Some strange shit,
and there was a noise.
It was a (IMITATES BUZZING) funny noise on the line.
What kind of noise?
It sounded like a chainsaw to me,
and there was this screaming.
Screaming like oh my god, I can't describe.
Sounded to me like someone was being hurt real bad.
You know what I think?
I think she's just fucking with your head,
like she's been doing for a really long time.
I don't understand why you don't just kill the bitch
and be rid of her once and for all.
Yeah, well, I guess you like to fuck dancers.
Who wouldn't?
The thing is, you can't marry 'em.
You can fuck 'em all day,
but don't put 'em in your kitchen.
Well thank you for the information, Ted.
TED: You're welcome.
But that's not why I asked you to come here.
You see Jessica came back early
from a shopping trip in Reno,
and she found me with one of the new dancers,
a stupid bitch called Sally.
- That a new girl? - Yeah, now you wait a minute.
(TED LAUGHING)
I'm just saying, I heard a new name
and you know, makes me crazy.
Is that her right there?
You can have Sally as a gift.
I want the bitch back and my money.
You can fuck her, too,
and I'll hold her down for you if you like.
Three is a crowd, but I thank you for the invite.
Now what else can I do for ya?
I want you to put a trace on my call.
When you get the address, you tell me.
I'll do the rest.
All right.
Consider it done.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
- You got the meat, boy? - I sure have here.
Hey, hold it right there.
What the hell have you been doing to that meat?
I just had a little fun with it first.
I told you, boy, don't you play with your food!
Now if you're gonna fuck something,
make sure it's still alive.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(PHONE RINGING)
What the goddamn hell is that?
Boons.
Jessica, is that you?
Where the hell did you get this thing?
I took it from the woman with the fancy car, Lemmas.
What, not one of them?
No, sir, the bitch with the yellow Trans Am.
Hey, Steve.
It's me, Ted.
You run that trace for me?
STEVE: Yeah, the signal back states that the coordinates
for that transmission is 116.7212,
but it's a little strange, Ted.
Why is that?
STEVE: Well there's just no town listed in that area.
There's nothing.
Like absolutely nothing at all.
Well, Steve, I appreciate the info,
but you need to make sure you keep everything to yourself.
Do you understand?
STEVE: Yeah, no problem man.
I owe ya one.
Let's just say that you're paid in full.
What do you intend to do?
Well, I'm gonna kill the bitch
and whoever else that bastard was
on the other end of the phone.
Son, do you want somebody to find out what you're doing?
No, Sir.
Do you want the police to come
and take you away from here?
No, Sir.
Well I don't think we'll be needing this anymore, do you?
No, Sir.
(BANJO MUSIC)
Boy, I hope you've learned a lesson today.
Never steal anything more than you can eat
from those goddamn heathens!
Because they have strange ways
and you don't wanna catch their strange ways, now do ya?
No, Sir.
They are outsiders
and they will remain outsiders.
Do you understand?
Yes, Sir.
Okay, it's all right.
Okay.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
The boys get in the edge of their destination,
not knowing what fate awaits them.
Look, Ollie, it's El Dorado.
(CAR ENGINE RUMBLING)
Now this is what we call in the industry a wild card,
a group of characters the audience wasn't expecting.
Well within minutes of the Jews Brothers entering town
comes the sound of Eduardo's Desert Tours,
only this time his coach breaks down
with only one place to go other than the desert, El Dorado.
A huge mistake, Eduardo.
Everybody off.
What the hell is that?
Do you think we made the right decision coming here?
There was no where else to go, Stanley.
Why are we stopping?
The bus is broken down
and there isn't another stop for 300 miles.
It's either here or the desert.
Asshole.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
Ladies and gentlemen,
today is the 200th anniversary of our little town.
So tonight we shall celebrate at El Dorado's own music hall
with our special guests,
live from California,
the Soggy Bottom Boys and their tribute act.
Is he talking about us?
JJ's done it again.
But we're the Jews Brothers.
Not tonight, we're not.
Hooray!
Come one, come all, and celebrate
with the Soggy Bottom Boys live at our Old Opry.
Hiya cowboys, line up, line up, and try you luck.
Shoot a can if you can.
(GIGGLES)
Would you and your daughter mind to have a try, Sir?
That's my wife, shorty, not my daughter.
Cheeky little fucker.
I'll show him.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Well done, Daddy!
Good shot, cowboy.
Like I said, that's what I call shooting.
Been buying in El Dorado for almost 200 years now.
First settlers came to this part of the desert
to claim the gold, and then they decided to stay.
How can I help you, little lady?
Is there still gold here?
Good question.
Some say no,
but I believe that if you wish hard enough
your dreams could come true at El Dorado.
Fact!
Some say El Dorado was discovered by a pirate,
a rogue of the sea.
(EERIE MUSIC)
Captain Jake was his name.
Hard drinking, woman loving pirate
that only cared for the sea.
Like all stories, things didn't go right for Captain Jake,
and on a night very similar to tonight,
his ship hit a storm.
He fought the waves!
As his shipped bobbed on the sea,
like a matchstick on (MUMBLES).
Tell me, what happened to this pirate?
Well, Captain Jake fought those waves to the bitter end.
When out of the sea came a monster from hell.
The Kraken appeared.
Some say it stood 1,000 feet, not an inch more.
Well what did he do?
SHERIFF: Like any good Captain,
Captain Jake went down with his ship
as the Kraken curled, dragging it under the sea,
along with Davy Jones' locker.
Did he die?
Did the Kraken kill him?
Well we're talking about Captain Jake, here.
A rogue of the sea, little lady.
As Captain Jake watches the awful scene,
he knows his destiny must travel another path.
On that path Captain Jake traveled.
(THUNDER CRASHING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(EERIE MUSIC)
That's it, go west yon man, go west.
So what happened next?
Arr!
Now this part is interesting.
Captain Jake walked for many a moon,
many a day through the desert sun.
Legend states that Captain Jake stumbled on this spot
and as his body melted into the desert,
became an oasis which later became El Dorado.
And that, little lady,
is the legend of El Dorado.
This ain't no Blues Club, Ollie.
What are we gonna do?
Oh, what are we gonna do, Ollie?
We ain't no bluegrass tribute act.
The only song I know is the one
that Daddy used to sing us when we were kids!
That's a great idea, Stanley.
- Let's do that one. - What?
Now our very own El Dorado boy
who will be doing a tune for all you good city folk.
Come on, Tommy, come up.
(CROWD BOOS)
Bit short for Elvis, ain't he?
(TOMMY SINGING INCOHERENTLY)
(CROWD BOOING)
I can't hear you.
(CROWD BOOING)
(TOMMY SINGING GIBBERISH)
Bring on the Soggy Bottom Boys,
not this crap.
(LAUGHS)
You can do anything, Tommy.
You can just do anything to me.
(CROWD JEERING)
Elvis has left the building!
Ladies and gentlemen,
due to popular demand,
we're gonna cut short our Elvis appreciation tribute
and go straight to the main act of the evening.
What are you doing?
I have an idea.
Oh, not another one.
All the way form southern California,
theirs is a tribute act to end all tribute acts.
They may be from Las Vegas,
but their hearts are in the deep south.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Soggy Bottom Boys.
CROWD: Soggy Bottom Boys!
Soggy Bottom Boys!
(CROWD CHEERS)
(TWANGY MUSIC)
♪ On the mountain in Virginia ♪
♪ Stands a lonesome pine ♪
♪ Just below is the cabin home ♪
♪ Of a little friend of mine ♪
♪ Her name is June ♪
♪ And very, very soon ♪
♪ She'll belong to me ♪
What's up with the phones in this place?
None of them work.
That's El Dorado for you, buddy.
What can I do for ya, stranger?
I need to get my bus fixed.
You need to see Lemmas.
Who is Lemmas?
He's the butcher here in these parts.
I need a mechanic, not a butcher.
It's Lemmas' Chop Shop.
Need anything mechanical done, that's your man.
You need a lean, clean, thick steak,
that's your man also.
The man, right.
♪ In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia ♪
♪ Mountains of Virginia ♪
♪ On the trail of the lonesome pine ♪
(CROWD CHEERING)
("MAN OF CONSTANT SORROW")
♪ I am a man of constant sorrow ♪
♪ I've seen trouble all my days ♪
♪ I bid farewell to old Kentucky ♪
♪ The place where I was born and raised ♪
♪ The place where he was born and raised ♪
♪ For six long years I've been in trouble ♪
♪ No pleasure here on earth I've found ♪
♪ For in this world I'm bound to ramble ♪
♪ I have no friends to help me now ♪
♪ He has no friends to help him now ♪
(CROWD CHEERING)
♪ It's fare thee well my own true lover ♪
♪ I never expect to see you again ♪
♪ For I'm bound to ride that northern railroad ♪
♪ Perhaps I'll die upon that train ♪
♪ Perhaps he'll die upon that train ♪
♪ Maybe your friends think I'm just a stranger ♪
♪ My face you never will see no more ♪
♪ But there is one promise that is given ♪
♪ I'll meet you on god's golden shore ♪
♪ He'll meet you on god's golden shore ♪
Oh good, it's about time.
(CROWD CHEERING)
I need to hit the head.
That was the Soggy Bottom Boys,
all the way from Las Vegas, just for you good folk.
Dick?
Dick!
Do you think I could help her find her dick?
We haven't got time, Stanley.
Aw, but Ollie.
You can't leave a young lady wanting a dick, can you?
Dick?
Dick!
What's the point of having a Dick
when you can't find him?
He's never around when you need him.
11:58.
She's gonna die.
She's gonna die, Ted.
Fast and hard, like sperm hitting the condom.
Well then, I'm gonna go with you.
There's no need.
Two guns are better than one.
You just wanna fuck my wife.
Yes, I do.
(MEN LAUGH)
(TOMMY LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
So Ollie, where do we go from here?
Yo Stanley, if JJ's got anything
to do with it, who knows?
Ahh, Ollie!
It's an ear!
(WATER RUNNING)
Back in El Dorado,
Chef Mario gets ready for the celebration.
Bon appetite, city slickers.
Trying to make a 40
going for a four.
(LAUGHING)
So?
What's cooking, Mario?
My cuisine will be fit for a king, Mayor.
The meat will just fall from the bone.
That sounds good, Mario.
We don't want them city slickers finding out
our little secret before they need to.
City gourmet.
(MUMBLES)
(HUMMING)
(LAUGHING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chef Mario brings to you the bistro resistance
in El Dorado cooking!
(CROWD OOING)
Voila!
(CROWD SCREAMING)
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(BELL RINGING)
Welcome to Boon's, city folk,
home of the combo.
You gentlemen want anything?
Yeah, give me some black coffee and cigarettes.
- And some information. - Information?
Information can cost you, city slickers.
Tough guys from the big city.
Has a woman in a yellow Trans Am been through here?
- Nope. - You sure?
Like I say, boss, no pussy wagon has come this way.
Pussy wagon?
Now that's a strange expression to use.
Why did you say pussy wagon?
TOMMY: What?
Pussy wagon, why'd you say it?
Yo, boss, I don't understand.
Now say something funny, laughing boy.
Yo I don't understand, boss.
Oh, you will.
Like I say, no one's come this way.
Shut up and stop lying!
Roy!
What's going on?
Now say, wrong number tough guy.
- What? - Say it!
Wrong number, tough guy.
Roy, talk to me.
Now say it and then laugh.
Roy, talk to me!
I'm not going crazy.
Say it or I'll blow your fucking brains out
right here, right now.
Wrong number tough guy!
Now say it and mean it without the stammer.
Wrong number, tough guy.
(ROY CHUCKLES)
You bastard, I knew it was you.
What have you done with my money?
Roy, tell me the story!
This is the little fucker
who was on the other end of the line.
How else would he have known
that she called her Trans Am a pussy wagon?
Yo money, boss?
Yeah, you're listening now.
Yeah, say you haven't seen the silver case with my money
before I shoot you between the eyes.
Money?
Yeah, yeah, money.
A million dollars of my money, ah!
Uh.
So I'm the little fucker am I, big boy?
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
Both of you, raise your hands.
I'm gonna take you out back and show you my workshop.
Where is she?
Where is who, numb nuts?
You answered the phone, bitch in the Trans Am.
Pussy wagon lady,
she's gonna be taken care of
just like you and your money.
Your time's coming, freak.
This could be the end of us.
Not again.
(GUNSHOTS RESOUNDING)
Hello, Mayor?
Yeah, it's all sorted.
Okay, Tommy.
That's good, lad.
That's real good.
Just come back when you clear out there.
Yeah, okay.
I'll come right over.
Are the men ready, Lemmas?
Oh yeah.
Yep, they've already started rounding up
the coach passengers, Mayor.
Good.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(GUNSHOT RESOUNDS)
For tonight the clown will rise
and blood will flow in the streets of El Dorado.
(GUNS SHOOTING)
It seems like someone's been asking some questions
about the little? (GUNSHOT)
Who?
(GUN SHOOTING)
I know him.
Friend or foe?
Now it was a long time ago.
He might have forgotten about me by now.
Kill him anyway.
Bring back the money if you can find it.
Meanwhile, we'll carry on looking here.
Okay.
♪ Hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey yeah ♪
♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Hey ♪
(MUSIC BLARING ON TV)
Been a long time, Lemmas.
LEMMAS: Too long.
Too many questions, not enough answers.
There never were.
'Nam was like that.
You want a drink?
I've come here to kill you.
Hell, I know that.
You wanna get ready?
Yep.
LEMMAS: You got your timepiece?
Ah, you wanna time this?
- Why not? - Yeah.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Oh, yes it was.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
300 men go into battle,
- only two came out alive. - I remember.
Death stamped our passport,
body bags were ordered.
We weren't meant to live.
Only God makes those choices.
Religion is for the weak minded,
men who have nothing else to live for.
Then what do we got?
Death.
Time check.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
11:58 and 20 seconds.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)
(MEN SHOUTING)
MAYOR: You found anything?
TOMMY: I've ripped the car apart,
but I can't find anything, Mayor.
(MEN SHOUTING)
The bitch hid the money somewhere.
Maybe she hid it in the desert, Mayor?
Maybe, or maybe she did give it
to the dentist for safekeeping?
Citizens of El Dorado, it's time to dance.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(BOOMING)
Back at Lemmas' slaughter house,
Tommy cleans up what is left of Jessica
before he takes care of our heroes.
Oh dear, Jessica has got herself into a frightful mess.
Am I dreaming?
(TOMMY GIGGLES)
Depends.
On what, fat boy?
If you're having my type of dreams.
(TOMMY LAUGHS)
You know my daddy always wanted me to go to cookery school?
But what do I want with gourmet cooking
when I could have food like this?
Do you know where this came from?
Some rich bitch with a smooth pussy
that used to sit her ass on a yellow Trans Am.
She's a Barbie doll!
I know 'cause I found her.
Well, Soggy Bottom Boys,
it looks like it's your time
'cause the whole town needs sandwiches.
(TOMMY CACKLING)
(TOMMY GROANING)
(SMOOTH MUSIC)
Now ain't that a bit of luck?
Not a gunslinger in sight.
Maybe Oliver and Stanley will finally escape El Dorado.
Whoop, on the other hand.
Mayor, the Soggy Bottom Boys are escaping!
Escaping?
Goddammit, I want them dead.
Real dead.
We gotta go kill these sons of bitches, now.
(BLUES ROCK MUSIC)
(GUNFIRE)
Now this is what we call a finale.
Riveting, isn't it?
(GUNFIRE)
(SCREAMING)
Don't even think about it, Stanley.
Well, it's another fine mess.
- Break! - What?
I said break!
Ollie look, it's the Mayor.
(CRASHING)
(MEN SCREAMING)
(FIRE CRACKLING)
(MEN GROANING)
OLIVER: Look, Stanley, it's the car.
So Ollie, where's the next gig?
- I better phone JJ. - Ah, yeah.
(TIRES SQUEALING)
So what the hell you got there, Stanley?
Well you know that Trans Am
at the back of the diner near the washroom?
- Yeah? - Well in there,
do you want me to take it back?
("HIGHWAY TO HELL" BY AC/DC)
What's so wrong with my food?
What's wrong with my food?
Did I add too many spices?
I don't know.
I want to be a chef.
Aye!
(SOBBING)
What's wrong with my cooking?
Please, God, tell me, what am I doing so wrong?
Ladies and gentlemen, that is the end.
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