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- Of such idle stockpiles,
which can only destroy and never create
is not the only, much less the most efficient
means of assuring peace.
I speak of peace therefore,
as the necessary, rational end of rational men.
- They will be met with fire and fury
like the world has never seen.
- Why have we not been able to get together as a nation?
- Donald Trump says he admires Vladimir Putin.
- There is no collusion between me, and my campaign,
and the Russians.
- The trouble with our liberal friends
is not that they're ignorant,
it's just that they know so much that isn't so.
- Politics of division and resentment,
and paranoia has unfortunately found a home
in the Republican Party.
- To get that son of a bitch off the field, right now.
Out, he's fired. (crowd cheering)
Fired!
- Yes, we should deport them.
We should build a wall.
We should triple the border patrol.
- I think there's blame on both sides.
- He will be the voice of all us outsiders,
all us deplorables, all of us losers,
all of us morons.
- What difference at this point does it make?
- Which is why I alone can fix it.
(rapidly increasing heart beat)
(hard rock instrumental of "The Star-Spangled Banner")
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
- Hey.
Hello!
Yes.
I just wanna thank you.
How's it going, man?
Hey, yes!
Yes.
Arizona, it's 115 degrees.
Holy shit.
(audience laughing)
- I am doing my new show, guys.
I wanted to write a show
that was gonna bring the country together,
something we could all laugh about,
so it's about politics, guns, and abortion.
There you go.
(audience cheering)
Yes!
Talking about politics in America right now
is like trying to organize an interracial hoedown in 1840.
I say, are you an abolitionist or you Dred Scott?
Well, take off the Nat Turner tee-shirt
or there shall be fisticuffs, you carpetbagger.
Yeah, joke number two sounds
like history homework, doesn't it, yeah.
Here's what bothered me about the last election.
I could not believe we were fighting each other
over these idiots.
Like, half of us wanted
this arrogant pantsuit-wearing robot.
I call her She-3PO.
(audience laughing)
And ladies why was she wearing those square jackets?
Was she running as Lego Hillary?
(audience laughing)
And then the other half wanted
this arrogant, orange, delusional,
Alzheimer's-ridden rodeo clown.
And that's why we were pissed at each?
People who are families were breaking up.
You guys do get that we get a new idiot
in four years, right?
You're gonna need your family to wipe you in 20.
Like, families are breaking up with Thanksgiving.
Is that who you voted for, Uncle Phil?
Is that who you, shut the fuck up, Grandma!
Is that who you voted for, Uncle Phil?
Well, if that's who you voted for,
hell, I hope you get hit by a gas truck.
That's right, Uncle Phil, and I hope you don't die.
I hope you're lyin' there and the truck driver's
gotta revive you, but he's got Ebola and AIDS.
That's what I hope happens, Uncle Phil.
I hope you get truck-driver Ebola.
Shut the fuck up, Grandma!
Hey.
I am not gonna shut up.
Uncle Phil gave you a kidney last year.
You want your Nazi kidney back, Uncle Phil?
Someone get me a box cutter
and some bathtub bourbon right now!
Yeah!
I'm gonna cut this kidney out.
I'm gonna go pee first, Uncle Phil.
I couldn't believe how we were treating each other.
And then this morning, I woke up happy
'cause I realized the comet
that's gonna destroy Humanity
is already on its way.
Oh, there's a giant rock coming, people.
Oh, yeah, it's happened five times in the past,
destroyed everything.
It's not God, God's not flippin' that rock.
Oh, you guys keep dancing on Sunday,
I'm gonna jack this place up.
You guys better start having sex
through a hole in a sheet again
or I'm gonna blow torch this place.
Only the Mormons are gonna survive this shit.
(audience applauding) (audience laughing)
No.
There is!
There is actually a giant rock in space right now in orbit,
and one day is gonna pound into the Earth,
and when it hits, it's gonna destroy
a million species instantly and Kanye.
(audience cheering)
I get it.
I know he earned it.
Then it's gonna set the atmosphere on fire,
and that's gonna burn until almost all of us are gone,
and the survivors are gonna have
to live in an impact winter for an eon,
till there's only three of us left:
two guys and a girl.
(audience whooping)
And you think they're gonna restart humanity,
but no, both guys are gay.
So, they're gonna kill the girl for food
and steal her skinny jeans.
And then slowly make their way to Boca Raton, Florida
where they're gonna live out their final gay days
wearing Speedos and shimmying to Katy Perry dance mixes
on a solar-powered iPod.
And when the last game man dies,
that'll be at for Humanity.
Everything we have done, everything we have built, gone,
just another grain of sand in an empty universe
full of useless effort.
And that's how I'm dealing with the election (chuckles).
Oh, come on, you know it was a bad one
when a planet-killing meteor is my optimistic plan.
(audience applauding) (audience whooping)
Oh, come on!
I don't care what side you're on,
and by the way, there's only one side: American.
That's the only side there is.
(audience applauding) (audience whooping)
But the last four people running for president, my God.
I could've picked four better candidates
by just throwing a tennis ball
into a severe trauma brain injury award.
Just chuck it in,
whoever goes, ball, and giggles, you're our candidate.
Come on out.
You got a good attitude.
You knew what a fuckin' ball was.
Come on, let's admit it.
Ted Cruz?
- Whoa! - Ted Cruz!
Every man in this room knows a guy like Ted Cruz,
who just roams the Earth with this sentence
constantly playing in his head:
no one's gonna wipe a booger on me again,
no one's gonna wipe a booger on me again.
And if they do, I'm gonna tattle.
Nyah!
Then you had Hillary, who's got this wake of bodies
behind her, allegedly.
Allegedly!
Allegedly, I'm sayin' allegedly 'cause I don't wanna die
in a suspicious one-car accident.
(audience applauding)
I know.
Yeah. (audience cheering)
I know.
They're gonna find me an empty parking lot
leaning against my car door,
trunk carpet fibers all over my body,
suicide note written in a language I don't speak.
Allegedly.
Allegedly!
And then you had Trump, who was pretty amazing.
He made it to the entire election
without finishing a fucking sentence.
It was insane.
Wrong, didn't happen, beautiful, best ever,
reciprocal.
Nobody peed on me.
Oh, oh, oh, that was almost a sentence.
Nice job, dude.
Yeah, we have a president
with no military experience
and no political experience, but he has jazz hands.
♪ When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way ♪
What is that?
And I have to be honest.
I feel bad for you Trump people
'cause you know damn well every time
that man heads towards a microphone,
you have anxiety, don't you?
(audience laughing)
And man, how many teleprompter guys
have shot themself in the face working with that dude?
'Cause he's on the speech for a minute.
He's like, he's on the speech.
He's on the speech.
And then, oh, my God, he's gonna improv.
No!
(imitates gunfire banging)
And then you had Bernie; I like Bernie.
I thought Bernie was cool.
At the end, at the end, though,
at the end though, after all that crap, though,
didn't Bernie come across
like a real grumpy model train enthusiast?
Couldn't you just see him
in the basement of the White House?
Toot toot.
Mr. President, Vladimir Putin's on the phone.
I told you don't bother me
when I'm playing with my trains.
This job takes up all my time.
I'd like to keep 1%, thank you.
And I had friends get crazy, too.
I had friends, after the election,
they got real fatalistic.
They just started yelling crazy stuff.
They're like, good, you know what?
I'm glad the insane guy won.
Good.
Let's just burn it down and start over, man.
Good.
Let's just nuke the whole thing and begin again.
Woo!
As fun as that sounds,
I don't think it's gonna go the way you think.
Do you know why people say stupid crap like that?
Those damn Road Warrior movies.
Yeah, we think we're gonna survive Armageddon.
In fact, every man in this room, right now,
believes he's gonna be Mad Max in the apocalypse.
(men cheering)
Every single one.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I got seven guns
and a case of Clif Bars, follow me.
Come on, let's go.
Well, hold on.
I gotta tweet my followers.
Let me tweet my followers.
Yeah, 'cause in 2018, (wheezy gasping),
we all have followers just like Jesus.
Did they help you move?
Did they lie for you in court?
Then they ain't followers, are they?
(audience applauding)
It's crazy.
You guys... (audience whooping)
You guys do realize what these phones have done
to us now, selfie, selfie, selfie.
Is it any surprise we elected
the most narcissistic human being on the planet?
Selfie, selfie, selfie.
Get some damn friends.
Take some them-ies and us-ies.
Come on, goddammit.
Take more we-sies.
You get who we are now, right?
We now take pictures of ourselves
to send to people we don't know,
to see what they think about us.
Did you get that picture of me that I took of me?
It's on my Instagram under Christopher Titus dot me.
Please comment,
on me.
Like me.
Follow me.
You know who does that?
Psychopaths, that's who does that.
And by the way, yeah, if you wanna follow me on Twitter
it's @TitusNation.
(audience applauding)
Or The Real Christopher Titus on Facebook.
Those road, and by the way, gentleman,
you don't wanna be Mad Max.
Mad Max is always half a criminal.
He's always busted up.
Looks like Rob Zombie
after a bad white water rafting accident, you know?
He's always got a leg brace,
am eye patch made out of his old kneecap.
He's got a hole blown through his head
that he stuffed with a booby-trap grenade
so when he gets caught,
he can say cool things like,
go ahead, pull the pin.
You'll blow both our minds.
He's got some weird Armageddon dune buggy
with metal sticking off of it,
some drifter changed to it,
following him through the wasteland.
Oh, the guy can't ride in the dune buggy
'cause Mad Max's dog sits in the passenger seat,
his two-legged dog that they haven't Killed for food yet
'cause it's still got one good front left leg
and one good right back leg
so it balances like a shitty table at a Chinese restaurant.
I want that dog, honestly.
I think those Road Warrior movies,
I think they're trying to get us ready for Armageddon
and how come everybody has a cool haircut
in the apocalypse?
All those movies, we can't find clean drinking water
but everybody gets a Mohawk,
or spikes, or shaved with your name in it.
So Army Rangers and Navy Seals didn't make it
through the apocalypse but somehow stylists pulled it off?
I was at the shampoo station.
I heard a noise.
I hid under a desk.
I don't know what happened.
Now I'm chained to this asshole's dune buggy.
I don't get this at all.
What are we doing?
And that last Road Warrior movie, Fury Road?
Fury Road aside, gentlemen,
there are no hot babes in the apocalypse.
- Now...
- Oh no, all the skinny hot chicks died of malnutrition,
lack of moisturizer, and ChapStick.
(audience cheering)
That's right.
And all that's left is those tube-titty bison females
that used to roam the cheese aisle at Walmart.
And they're not around either.
They're looked in in a room somewhere,
getting milked to feed the bad guy's kids.
Did you see the movie?
'Cause that scene is in the movie.
So, now when you watch the movie, you're gonna giggle.
When I saw it, I didn't have me,
so I went (guttural gagging).
That movie pissed me off,
and so in the middle of the apocalyptic wasteland,
four smoking hot runway models show up?
That does it even happened in porn.
And they're all beautiful,
Their makeup's perfect.
They're well-adjusted.
They all get along,
Well, now I know it's a movie.
They're all wearing hemp butt-thongs,
barely raped at all.
Come on!
In the apocalypse?
Let me be very clear.
I love women.
I think women are by far the better sex.
(audience whooping) I think they are, yes.
But...
In the apocalypse there's gonna be some rapin'.
And I know sometimes I'm gonna be
on the weeping side of that raping.
I know that.
You can't look like this and not expect that.
I know.
I know, sir, my mouth is gorgeous.
I know!
And how are you Millennials gonna survive the apocalypse?
There's no app.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
Millennials hate that joke, really.
Shut up, I'll be fine.
I do what I always do, man.
Get up, get my 2/3 decaf latte,
trim my lumberjack beard,
call an Uber and make it, brother.
My mom said I could be anything.
And I got a participation trophy to prove that.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
Yeah (chuckling).
A lot of you Millennials can barely light a candle
let alone change a tire.
How the hell are you gonna distill drinking water
from a rusted hot tub your dead neighbor
is still floating in?
You can't cook and eat your girlfriend's Shitzu
if the microwave doesn't work.
Doesn't even beep anymore.
You better get on the internet.
(horrified gasping) There's no internet!
So, can we all stop talking about burning our country down
'cause it's getting this crazy?
'Cause only two people win in the apocalypse: Mad Max
and the guy with the goat-head skull ventilator thing
and that's about it.
The rest of us ground up into dust
and our bodies used to pave the road to Valhalla.
So instead of talking about burning our country down,
how 'bout we all just come together
and fix this bitch called America?
How 'bout that?
(audience cheering) Yeah.
Fix this bitch.
- Fix this bitch.
Fix this bitch.
- Build a wall!
Yes, we can!
I win her!
Blood and soil!
Yeah.
I think we all learned this year,
if you can break your idea down to three words,
dumbasses'll follow you anywhere.
(laughing)
Oh, come on!
Nazis are back.
We had khaki-pant wearing polo shirt Nazis
out there this year.
That was insane.
I don't think, they couldn't all be Nazis, you know?
I think some of them were Best Buy employees
walking through the park on the way home,
and they just got sucked into the chant.
They're like, blood and soil!
Are we gardeners, what are we doing?
Gimme a torch, blood and soil.
What are we doin'?
Was a weird year, wasn't it?
We had so much weird stuff happening,
hurricanes lining up off the coast
like they're waiting for rides at Disneyland, man.
They ran out of names at one point.
They're like, what do we name this one?
Zitigua, I don't know!
It was insane.
And the country, we were getting along so well.
God we haven't gotten along this good
since the Manson family picnic with the Tates.
(audience groaning)
(sporadic applause)
Well, really?
You mad?
Oh, shut up.
I waited 50 years to tell that joke.
You guys can't be mad at a 50-year-old reference.
My God.
World Health Organization proved that meat causes cancer.
Great, then the Super Bowl barbecue
is just a smoky-flavored war crime.
Course none of us have to worry about cancer
'cause climate change gonna drown half of us
and set the other half on fire.
Oh, I'm so glad it doesn't exist.
It's a bad year.
Prince is dead.
Prince can't die, he's imaginary.
And here's the sad thing for me.
I thought we were doing so well.
Human beings were doing,
we're amazing, the stuff we do.
I have a phone in my pocket right now,
I hit one button,
calls anywhere in the planet in a second.
While I'm doing that, I can watch a video
of a young child hitting his father in the testicles
with a Wiffle ball bat.
That is next level human being.
We eradicated polio, got rid of smallpox,
made it possible to live with AIDS,
but we cannot crack the code
on the vaccine for stupid, can we?
How do you know if you're stupid?
Well, if your 10th grade English teacher
helped you write your third birth announcement,
(pained groaning)
you're an idiot.
(audience applauding)
If you spell pregnant, preeg-nart,
that's another hint.
I'll tell you what this last election proved to me.
It proved to me what I'm not.
I'm not a Democrat.
I'm not a Republican.
I'm not a conservative, not a liberal.
I'm not a hobbit.
I'm not a orc.
I'm not Slytherin.
I'm not Gryffindor.
And I'm definitely not a Hufflepuff.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, screw that imaginary group of people.
I'm an independent, 100%.
I believe in the death penalty.
(crowd cheering) Yes.
I believe in the death penalty,
but I also believe that when you get convicted
of the death penalty,
they should put you in a penalty box
and you get beaten to death by hockey players.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
But if it's lethal injection,
it should be organic and gluten-free.
Somebody might have an allergy, you don't know.
I'm getting kinda itchy in here.
My last meal was supposed to have a Claritin.
I believe in abortion
but only if the mother is exercising
her Second Amendment rights while performing it.
(nervous laughing)
(scattered applause)
Well.
I guess somebody loves the Constitution
a lot more than other people in Arizona.
When I wrote that joke,
I knew it was gonna get that reaction.
And my brain went, say it anyway,
and I said, okay.
Let me tell you the problem with America right now.
It's the same problem throughout history.
The problem with America right now is they,
they who run things.
You, know all they want is money,
all they want is power.
They all have small penises, even Hillary.
She's swinging something.
They're the ones who start the wars.
They're the one who crashed the economy.
Did you crash the economy, sir?
- Nope. - No, what do you
do for a living?
- Maintenance. - Maintenance. (laughing)
That's kinda vague.
Sounds kinda drug dealer-y, right there.
What do you do, maintenance.
Do you need some more?
Good, I got some, here you go.
You maintaining, all right.
Maintenance, of course you didn't crash the economy.
Did the start the Iraq War, dude?
No, of course you didn't.
You worked at Ruby Tuesdays
and pray to God the hostess wasn't pregnant.
I swear to God that's what you did.
No, course we didn't.
We never have anything to do with that.
It's always they, and who are they?
Well, in America's history,
they are always old, ancient, silver-haired white men.
A lot of 'em are Draculas.
And they all have that thing (tenor vocal burbling).
I called the Sith Lord flap.
Paul Ryan's got a little one. (falsetto vocal burbling)
Obama had one.
He just calmed it back, cool.
He made it look good.
Mitch McConnell, (heavy bass vocal burbling).
All right, I don't want to make too much fun
of Mitch McConnell 'cause I loved his work
as the pelican in Finding Nemo.
Awesome.
That's who they are,
and what they did this year,
I've never seen it this bad.
They convinced everybody in America
it was us versus them,
Democrats verus Republicans,
Republicans versus Democrats.
We couldn't get along.
In fact, everybody in this room right now
has an opinion about someone who doesn't agree
with them politically.
Am I right?
Hell, yeah.
Every conservative in this room
is a four-wheel truck driving, sister-screwing redneck
and every liberal eats kale salad
out the butt of his boyfriend.
Am I right?
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
Drizzled in raspberry balsamic, come on!
That's what we think about each other.
It's crazy.
Same ol', same country, same people, too.
If I asked you, if I asked you liberals
to get up here and do an impression of a conservative,
you guys would lose your minds.
Oh, my God, lemme do it, lemme do it,
lemme do it, lemme do it, lemme do it.
I'm doin' it.
I'm gonna do it, I'm just sayin'.
Don't make me laugh, Marcia, I got this, okay.
Stop it.
All right, my impression of a conservative.
(audience laughing)
Well, I went to the Walmarts
and I got me a seventh gun,
then headed down to Plan Obama at the abortion clinic.
Then I went way downtown and kicked
a young black feller in the testiculars, yep.
Now I'm going out to a KKK rally
at a Ted Nugent concert
where I'm gonna shoot me an endangered species.
Yee-haw!
(audience cheering)
You would think...
If I asked you conservatives to get up here
and do an impression of a liberal,
you guys would beat each other's ass
to get on the stage.
(imitating punching thuds)
Shut up, Bobby, I'm doin' it.
'Cause I'm better at it than you.
Go ahead get up.
All right, here's my impression of a liberal.
(glass dings)
(harsh nasal snorting)
Was that round one?
What the hell just happened?
All right, my impression of liberal.
Here we go. (harsh throat hacking)
I'll tell you when it's okay to laugh.
All right, liberal (heavy grunting).
Here we go.
Oh my God, you won't believe what happened.
I was at my job helping the lesbian manatees
and somebody used the word Oriental
and I lost my shit.
I went down to the ACLU
and I filed a hate crime, goddammit.
And I was so upset on the way home, I adopted a petting zoo.
(snorting laugh)
I actually have a lama that's a rescue.
Now I'm on my way downtown,
'cause inside, I'm really a woman and I am transitioning,
and I will use any damn bathroom I want,
and I will molest children like I work
for the U.S. Olympic Committee.
(audience groaning)
Really?
(audience cheering)
Be mad all you want, at least I'm current.
I don't know anybody like that.
I take that back, I know three people like that.
Two live in Prescott, Arizona,
one lives in Berkeley.
And I'm related to one of 'em.
I don't know anybody like that.
You know, it's not us and them, the people,
it's we the people,
and we forgot that.
And be clear, we do not have to agree
but we have to get along or this shit burns down.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
But, if we could get together
and show up in Washington together,
red baseball hats, pink pussy hats,
how ya doin'?
Yeah we worked our stuff out,
and I gotta be honest.
I love lavender organic potpourri, I ain't lyin'.
And I don't think meat is murder anymore
unless you eat people.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
We?
We show up, they are fucked.
They wouldn't know-- (audience whooping)
Yeah.
They wouldn't know what to do.
They'd have to have a meeting.
The meeting would go like this (rapid tenor burbling).
(falsetto burbling)
And then after that meeting,
they would do what they always do when we go after they.
They would invent a new them.
Over there.
Always a brown them.
Have you noticed?
Oh yeah, Iraq, brown them,
Vietnam, brown them.
We're all worried about the brown them of Mexico
coming across the border right now.
Yeah, it's all brown them.
Man, we're all scared to death
of a North Korean Asian weird haircutted,
weird little fat guy them.
Anybody here really afraid of North Korea?
'Cause I got to be honest.
I can throw a Frisbee farther
than North Korea can launch a missile.
(audience applauding)
(audience whistling)
With a ton more accuracy.
That's why Japan was mad.
They didn't care about a nuke,
they don't know he doesn't have it.
They were like, he don't know where it gonna go.
Got to worry about the brown them in Syria.
Syria's got chemical weapons.
Syria has always had chemical weapons.
And they been at war with a bunch of people
they can't beat with Russians helping.
The guys they're fighting are attacking them
driving Toyota pickup trucks.
Gimme two boys from Tennessee and one tank.
We will jack up some Toyota pickup trucks.
(audience applauding)
Yeah, but that's the way they do it.
That's the way they keep we separate,
talking about the them, you know?
And also, that the brown them
always hates our white Jesus.
Remember that, oh, they hate Christianity.
Oh, the brown them hates Christianity,
they hate the white Jesus.
And I have to say this,
white Jesus in the Middle East, in the desert?
Really?
Is Santa Claus also a telepathic unicorn
because had Jesus shown up at that time,
this color, they woulda killed him a lot faster.
(audience whooping)
The Bible would have been a pamphlet.
Woulda looked like a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon.
I don't know.
They're handing out Bibles.
Says I get 20% off my immortal soul.
That's pretty good.
I'm gonna put that in a drawer.
It's good till April a.d.
So, don't buy it,
'cause this whole thing that's going on right now
with our government is gonna get weirder.
Stay we.
Don't let they distract you with the them.
And one more thing: do not tell they we talked about this.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
I may disappear.
Or they will turn me into a them,
and then I'll be in Russia with Edward Snowden
going, you got any threes?
Weird time.
Weird time, weird time.
Poorly-educated got pissed during election.
They kept saying that on the news,
the poorly-educated are voting big for Trump.
The poorly-educated love Trump,
they're voting through the roof for Trump.
They poorly-educated think Trump is amazing.
Say what you want about Trump, like him or hate him,
you have to admit this man has no filter
and the biggest balls of anybody we put in that office.
(audience applauding)
Yeah, yeah.
So did Hitler.
Don't clap.
I got a lot of friends that got big balls
and I don't invite 'em over to parties at my house anymore,
because the cops follow.
Trump had the balls to get on stage in front
of thousands of people after that poll came out
and he said, "I love the poorly-educated.
"I love the poorly-educated."
And the poorly-educated were like, he loves us.
And he made fun of us in the same sentence.
I think he did, I ain't sure.
I'm poorly-educated.
I got to be honest with you,
I don't love the poorly-educated.
They're dumb as shit.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping) (audience whooping)
And they have never helped, not one time.
Nothing cool was ever invented by a dumbass.
Never happen.
They've never cured a disease.
They didn't fix your car better.
They didn't fix your phone.
You know, when the poorly-educated
do built something, it always falls over
and crushes the meth lab, every time!
The poorly-educated can suck my left nut,
thank you very much.
And, why can I talk smack about the poorly-educated?
Because I, ha ha, am one of them.
(audience whooping) (audience applauding)
Yes!
I am the poorly-educated Lizard King.
I'm not making that up, I'm not making that,
I did not graduate high school.
I was let go.
I was laid off from my senior year.
I showed up and they went, we filled your position.
Said, but I'm not done.
Oh, yes, you are.
And I'm not making that up.
California public schools, at that time, were so bad.
It didn't matter what grade you got,
they just kept herding you through the system.
They're like, moo-ve.
Moo-ve!
Couldn't spell move, but I was movin' on.
I'm not making this up.
And I'm not stupid, obviously,
but I'm uneducated, you know?
I was just smart enough to know I was a raging idiot.
I'm not making this up.
My last report card of my 8th grade year,
I got four Fs and a D,
and I was like, D!
And I went to my teachers,
ah, I guess I'll be back next year.
They went, no, no, no, you're a ninth grader now.
- Yeah!
- Nine is the number after eight.
So, I had to get smart after school
because I wanted to be a comedian.
And just to be clear, this is the only job
I am qualified to do.
And I've already pissed some of you off doing it tonight.
But as a comedian, you have to know
what you're talkin about.
You can't just make stuff up.
You can't be like, Abe Lincoln
was the best Cambodian president we ever had.
You know?
'Member the kimchi wars of 1312
we signed the Declaration of Codependence?
That was insane.
You just look like a dumbass.
So to be good at comedy, so I was accurate,
I started studying after school.
I did, I went back and I studied history,
and science, and math.
I haven't written a whole lot of math jokes.
And when I did, the exponent was wrong.
And that's the only math joke I have ever written.
(audience cheering)
Thank you very much.
And I don't understand it.
So now, when I want to write comedy about something,
I have to study it really hard,
and I've been studying the alt-right for the while now,
the alternate right.
They said, Trump got helped by the alt-right.
The alternative right helped Trump.
If you don't know what the alt-right is,
best definition I can give you
is it rhymes with all white.
Let's leave it there.
And thank God.
Thank God somebody is finally standing up
for the oppressed white man in America.
We have had that boot heel of oppression
on our necks for how long, gentlemen?
My God, we haven't committed genocide
on a brown people in a coon's age!
Am I right?
(audience laughing)
(audience whooping)
Let's a white guilt flow, whitey, come on.
Yeah, amazing to me.
240 years of white presidents.
We had a one black guy and whitey had a stroke.
43 white guys, one black guy,
and white people are like, no more black guys,
no more black guys, no, no, no.
Why? Why?
I'll tell you why, the NBA and golf.
Right there, that's why, right there.
And those sisters took over tennis,
and North Korea's got ping pong.
All we got left is white guys,
and you throw that thing on the ice,
and you sweep in front of it.
That's all we got.
That's all we got!
Look like idiots.
And a woman president?
Are you out of your (blows raspberries).
No, no, no, I don't care if she most qualified we ever had.
Emails, Benghazi, Bill Clinton's deplorable penis, ah!
(audience laughing)
Yeah, we didn't want a vagina in the White House
so we voted for the other side of the taint.
(audience groaning)
(audience chortling) (audience applauding)
Good joke.
I know, even the Trump people gotta be like, all right.
That's a good joke, that's a really good joke.
Lemme tell you how good that joke actually is.
So, I got rid of my old show, Born with a Defect.
I wrote it and filmed it, just got rid of it.
And I always write new stuff
'cause I always want you guys to come back
and see new material.
You know, it's not fair to you guys,
keep me repeating stuff.
So, I wrote the new show,
and I've been doing this so long
I don't check where I go anymore.
So, that Monday, I called my agent.
I go, where am I going this weekend?
He goes, Alabama.
(audience laughing)
No.
I am not going to Alabama
because Kevlar is expensive.
But if you know me at all,
you know damn well I'm going to Alabama.
I figure if I get shot,
I'll be super famous,
and I could really use a bump right now.
Yeah, I've been I've been thinking
about sexually assaulted somebody just for the press.
Sign up sheet at the door, ladies.
Or dudes, let's get weird, whatever you wanna do.
So, I go to Alabama.
First night, I'm in Birmingham, Alabama,
and the show was so raw at the time.
I have 40 new pages, I'm reading them off a stool.
And I think that's what saved me,
'cause in Alabama, they couldn't believe I could do that.
(audience laughing)
They were like, he looks at the paper
and then says what it says.
He's like a warlock.
And I wish I was only being half truthful about that joke.
The second night, though, I went to Huntsville, Alabama.
Huntsville, Alabama is different
because you don't wanna just make fun of Alabama,
'cause it's got all the aerospace there,
Lockheed is there, you know,
and all this crazy aerospace, NASA's there.
So in Huntsville, Alabama
it's rednecks and rocket scientists,
and they been a-minglin' since the '60s.
So you meet some weird ass people in Huntsville, Alabama.
Yeah, we figured out the orbit of Alpha Centauri
for the next 1,500 years
and my mama makes a damn good lizard cornbread.
So, I go to Huntsville.
It's a brand new club.
I'm the opening, grand opening
because they know Titus is gonna tell goofy stories
about his dad. (chuckling)
And I'm doing this show.
And it was going well.
There's some smart people in the audience.
Everybody's cool, you know?
They were laughing, a lot of 'em.
There was like nine people that really enjoyed it.
And there was a table right over here
of eight people and these people looked
like they had swamp-boated in.
I am not kidding.
Everything you think Alabama is was sitting at that table.
One guy had a beard this long,
looked like Uncle Jesse from Dukes of Hazzard.
I keep calling him Duck Dynasty the whole show.
Audience laughs, he doesn't laugh
'cause he thinks it's a compliment.
But the man next to him is this giant Bubba
wearing a red white and blue jersey
that says 45 and Trump across the shoulder.
(audience groans in dismay)
And I'm doing this show.
Both guys are watching the show like this.
I get to that joke.
Ah, didn't want a vagina in the White House
so we voted for the other side of the taint.
And the guy with the beard goes...
All right, goddammit, that's pretty funny.
All right, (mumbles).
And I was like, comedy can heal the nation, yes!
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
Yes!
Punchlines will bring us together.
We will bridge the chasm with sarcasm.
So, let's talk about the alt-right for a second.
The alt-right is a group of white guys
that believe America should be
a all-white country like it always has been
because they don't read a lot.
They don't like immigration, brown people,
black people, and Jews.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, and they hate political correctness.
They wanna keep it ra-zeal.
Really?
You hate political correctness,
and why would you call yourself the alternative right?
You sound like a shitty Miley Cyrus metal cover band.
We're the alt-right and we're gonna rock you.
Because if you don't like immigration,
brown people, black people, and Jews,
the non-political-correct term is Nazi.
You're a Nazi.
And, and, hey.
I'm not calling you a Nazi.
Let's just go to the chart 'cause it matches exactly.
In fact, if you didn't know that's what a Nazi was,
you guys are like Nazi-stradamus.
That's amazing to me.
And why would you spend all that money and time
marketing a new name when you already got a logo
that everybody knows?
And that real cool high five?
Come on, man.
(audience applauding)
I love it.
The alternative right,
we don't call serial killers cadaver creators.
You guys don't buy your drugs from a street CEO, do you?
Yes, I scored my meth today from the president
of the company and his office is behind the Dumpster.
I believe they're remodeling.
If you're a Nazi, just say you're a Nazi,
you fuckin' Nazi.
I can't believe they're coming back, man.
That Charlottesville thing,
that was a ragtag ass group of Nazis, was that not?
That was not the varsity.
I have never been offended for Nazis before.
Those guys needed a seminar, man.
They need like a Tony Robbins Nazi to help their ass out.
I would like to welcome everyone to the seminar!
I would like to point some of you were late.
Nazis aren't late!
Now, I have a couple of announcements before we get started.
At the break we will be having juice.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
You don't like juice?
I love fresh-squeezed juice.
So Nazis, let's talk about the details.
I saw the Charlottesville video, and all I have to say
is (rapid tsking).
Details.
Nazis do not wear Lynyrd Skynyrd tee-shirts.
We hate the Lynyrd Skynyrd.
We like the Eagles.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Yes.
It's on all the logos.
Some other details:
I saw the flags you were flying.
Yes, yes I saw the flags you were flying,
the Confederate flag,
(speaks in foreign language) the Nazi flag.
Which, by the way, don't tell anyone,
were two of the biggest historic losers of all time.
Sh.
But I noticed as you were flying the flag,
they were all wrinkled
(speaks in foreign language) crinkled.
Details.
Nazis, if you're going to hate, steam.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
That is my favorite joke of the new show.
(audience cheering)
And well...
There's a lot of reasons why they say Trump won.
It's not because he's the best guy.
There's a lot of reasons.
They said, oh, he won because Obamacare was too bad.
I disagree, I think it's 'cause Obamacare was too good.
I'm not making this up.
The top 10 states that voted for Trump
are also the top 10 states
with the highest prescription opioid abuse,
so Obamacare was working its ass off.
People had all their drugs in Costco quantities.
And here's what bothers me about that:
you get busted for driving high
but you can vote high whenever you want>
That's where we need some damn checkpoints,
at the voting booth.
Have just troopers lined up,
the wrong guy comes in.
Woo, I'm here to vote for my man, Don T.
Sir, can you step out of line, please sir?
Yes sir, step over here, sir.
I'm gonna give you a voter sobriety test right now.
No, sir, there's no spelling, relax.
(audience whooping)
Sir, I'm gonna ask you a couple question
and based on your answers,
we're gonna determine whether you're capable
of voting in an American election.
Are you ready?
Sir, do you think 9/11 was a hoax?
Hell, yeah and then chem trails killed my dog.
Get on the floor, right now!
Get on the floor!
Back away from the booth, right now!
Yeah.
Yeah, I got one.
Can I tase him?
(imitates electric buzzing) Sorry, I tased him.
No, no, no, we're good, my body camera was off.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience whooping)
Yeah?
So, here's what I think happened in those states.
Pico woke up the day after the election,
like damn, baby, what did we do last night?
Why I can barely feel my right leg.
That was a good night.
I don't remember nothing.
You remember anything?
Whoo, ha ha.
Baby, I got a sticker on my forehead says I voted.
Quick, let's see what happened.
Turn on the learnin' box.
(audience laughing)
And the news was crazy.
The news says things this last election,
I didn't get it.
They kept saying things like,
the disenfranchised white male worker's voting big,
big for Trump.
The disenfranchised white male
from the rust belt states just loves Trump
and is voting big.
The disenfranchised white male.
How come when I black guy doesn't have a job, he's lazy,
but when I white guy doesn't have a job,
he's disenfranchised?
No, I'm not unemployed.
I'm disenfranchised and this is an amazing Chardonnay.
Black people, I have to be honest,
it's the only time in my life,
it's the one reason I'm happy I'm white.
That's my word, I use it all the time.
No, no, no my ex-wife did not cheat on me,
she disenfranchised me with two other gentlemen.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Yes, and then, her lawyer disenfranchised
the shit out of my bank account.
It was a bad year.
I was bent over a table and repeatedly disenfranchised.
(audience whooping)
Such a bullshit word, man.
It sounds like the Taco Bell near you got closed down,
doesn't it?
No more Gorditas, guys, we've been disenfranchised.
But there's a grain of truth in it,
there's a grain of truth in that reason, man.
You know why, 'cause in America
we are taught from the second we're born
you can be or do anything in America.
The American dream, right?
The land of opportunity, you can be in it.
If you start with zero, you could be a millionaire.
In America, you can be anything.
And after you hear that your whole life,
you find yourself 40, 50 years old, you haven't made it.
You're pissed.
I was there when I was 18, frankly.
No, because we had this kid in our school,
Rod Kana-maka-pua.
Yeah, he was Hawaiian, so he was a brown them.
Ho-ho.
And then I found out Hawaii was a state,
so I let that go.
But Rod was our valedictorian.
Straight A student, lettered in four sports.
On top of that, he was a nice guy.
Fuck him.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
We all know that, yet I was mad at him for a long time,
'cause he went to MIT, full-ride scholarship,
started a company, made a bunch of money.
And I remember being mad for a long time at this guy,
and then one day, I woke up to the fact
I can't be mad at somebody who went to class,
got a degree and started a company
while I bought four jet skis at 21% interest.
I could have gone to a community college, you know,
but instead I moved to a rural area
where things were cheaper,
and there's a lot of people like me.
You know, pasty, furry, angry,
smelling of Pabst Blue Ribbon and misspelled tattoos.
And we'd sit around after the game on Sunday
and bitch about the elites running crap, we'd say
and then we play another round of racial slur Jeopardy!
Yeah.
Yeah, we talked about the minorities
sucking at the government tit, we'd say,
as we folded our welfare checks into our wallets,
not seeing the irony or knowing
what irony means, ironically.
And while we did that, the nerds, and the geeks,
and the elites did impossible things
like read and not get DUIs
while I let my fourth girlfriend pop out
our seventh little diaper-filler,
then scream get them kids outta my meth lab!
That's my man cave,
plus, I just rebuilt it.
It might fall over and crush another one.
You don't know.
And then one day, I woke up angry,
bitter, unemployed, in debt, racist.
But I still had Netflix.
I'm gonna have to be honest with everybody tonight.
In America, if you're a white man
and you can't make something happen in this country...
(chuckling)
It ain't China.
It ain't Mexico.
It ain't NAFTA.
It ain't TBP.
In America, if you're a capable white man
and you can't make something happen, that's on you.
(audience applauding) (audience whooping)
That's on you, sorry.
And...
Do you wanna know how I know that?
I am a D/F student.
On paper, I should be being forcibly snuggled
in a penitentiary right now,
and you guys paid to see me.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
That's America.
I love this country, best place ever.
I've been all over the world.
This is the best.
You want to know how good America is?
Let me explain to you how good America is.
In America, if you don't have a job,
you can walk out into the middle
of the Home Depot parking lot,
stand there, and a job will drive up.
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
(audience whooping)
Why, yes, I am disenfranchised.
I would love to help you dig a sewer trench
in your backyard.
Manuel, after you.
Manuel, you do realize I'm the foreman, right?
That's a little joke for the alternative right,
that's for you guys, there you go.
(audience cheering)
I love this country.
There's no other place in the world
I could do what I do and be successful at it.
And you know what I hate more than anything?
When people insult America.
Don't you hate it when people insult America?
I know what you hate, don't you hate it
when people insult this country, don't you?
I hate it, man.
Make America Great Again.
Fuck you, it's great right now.
What are you talking about?
Have you been here? (audience cheering)
Pissed me off, man.
This is the best country in the world,
and I want you to know I love it
more than anything, and that's why tonight
will be my last comedy show,
because tomorrow,
I start running for president of these United States.
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
Yeah, I know, thank you.
Now, why should I be president?
Well, didn't we all look at the TV
at one point in last two years
and go, fuck, I can do this?
I'm a lot like him, tall white guy with a giant head.
There you go.
My hands are bigger, sorry.
And you're welcome.
(audience laughing)
I'm a lot like him.
I say stupid, crazy, insane shit on stage all the time,
but that's where him and I differ, you know?
We start to split off there.
I don't have any bankruptcies.
I pay my taxes, late, but I pay 'em,
plus penalties (angry growling).
I don't have any rape cases to settle.
(audience whooping) (audience applauding)
I don't have some fake-ass college con to pay off.
I have never paid off a porn star,
but I have been paid by one.
I'm only on my second wife.
And I only grab pussy when it asks politely,
(loud cheering)
which is the number one rule of that.
I'm also not part of any group, either, man.
You know, I'm not.
I'm not part of any Dem/Repub or whatever.
And no one's paying me.
I'm here and it's 115 degrees in Arizona.
Yeah, I'm a pure America, 100%, man.
You know, I'm not part of any group.
I believe what Groucho Marx said:
I would never be part of any group
that would have me as a member.
Great joke.
You know, I did try to join Black Lives Matter.
That was a long interview, man.
But a good leader listens,
so I went to a couple meetings
and I sat there and I just listened
to what they were talking.
When they said how do we stop being mad about slavery?
I said, let's have a white sale.
Yeah, it didn't...
It didn't go the way I thought it would, you know?
And I thought it was real funny,
'cause it was also Easter.
That's hilarious.
I'm not a racist or bigot.
The only people I think should be killed instantly
are family law attorneys and Toyota Prius drivers.
That's it, right there.
I'm sorry, you Toyota Prius people,
do you know what you do to the highways,
do you have any?
You just screw things up,
they you clear it, and we all go, uh.
And then you come back.
You're like the herpes of the highway, that's what you are.
Here are three things you are never gonna hear in your life:
whoa, look at that bad-ass Prius.
Whoa, that Prius is hauling ass
and that driver seems so competent.
Dude, I got my new Prius, bring on the ladies.
Three things never heard.
I do blame the Prius for part of the election.
Here's the thing, I did not understand
about why people were frustrated.
They keep talking about everyone's frustrated.
Well, you look at the history,
eight years before this last election,
our economy had crashed, and then at the end of that,
housing had gone up.
It was 20% higher than it was before the crash,
and the stock market had tripled,
and unemployment had gone from 12% to 5%.
We'd saved General Motors and Chrysler.
Bin Laden got killed.
Why were people frustrated?
Toyota Prius.
Every Prius I've ever been behind at a stoplight,
that light turns green,
takes at least six seconds to drive away.
Doesn't sound like a lot, does it?
You're behind that idiot: One, two, three,
four, five, go!
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
20 million Priuses on the road, 200 million drivers,
that means a lot of us are behind these idiots all the time,
and after a day of it, you don't know what's wrong with you,
you're just in a bad mood,
and you get home and your wife goes,
what's the matter with you?
I don't know, it just feels like I can't get anywhere
in America anymore, you know?
I just can't get ahead.
I'm stopped at every turn, goddammit.
I don't know what to do.
I'm gonna vote for a reality television star.
Is Snooki running?
- I'd run.
- Then sweet potato Hitler it is.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I know, too rough, too far, too far.
And in fact, if I could get two family law attorneys
go get in opposing Priuses
and have an 80 mile-an-hour head-on collision,
oh, that would make me hard.
I'm a pure American.
I love capitalism and democracy.
Yeah, that's why I should be a good president, you know?
I hate communism, any ideology where you have
to wait in line for toilet paper is very oppressive
and very pro skid mark.
I also don't believe in trickle-down economics.
I had to read about it, though.
I've been hearing about it since Reagan.
I actually spent three weeks,
I can break down trickle-down economics
to you guys in one sentence.
Are you ready? - No.
(audience member whoops)
- If we give rich people more money,
they will give it to poor people.
Even the poorly-educated are like,
well, that sound like bullshit.
(audience applauding) (audience whooping)
Anyway.
How 'bout you give it to us,
we'll trickle it up.
Only trickle-down I believe in
is when I leave the men's room wearing light gray pants.
I've witnessed that one.
I'm not a Libertarian either,
although in a Titus administration,
we're gonna bring the size of government
down a little bit, but these hard-core Libertarians?
I don't want any government in my life!
Good, when I steal your car, don't call the cops.
Your house is on fire.
That's a bitch.
No, I'd call the fire department,
but I don't want to screw with your beliefs.
Oo, that insulation makes a pretty blue, don't it?
I didn't say I wasn't gonna be a asshole president.
(laughing)
When it comes to legislate,
oh, and by the way, I'm not a socialist either.
When did socialist become an insult?
Socialist!
Do you guys know what socialism is?
We all work together, especially democratic socialism,
you work hard, really together,
and we all share, and we all build each other up.
That's what it is, no one gets $1 billion, no one gets $1.
That's socialism.
I think it's the -ism that bothers people, you know?
Communism, racism, you know?
Nazism.
I want to change your name to social-gasm
and we all get off.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience whooping)
Yeah.
There you go.
Then, then try to use it as an insult.
Social-gasmist!
Uh, uh, yeah.
Sorry, I got a little trickle-down.
(audience laughing)
When it comes to legislation
in the Titus Administration,
we're not gonna legislate where you go to the bathroom.
You look like a dude, pee where the dudes pee.
You look like a chick, pee where the chicks pee.
If you don't, go behind the Dumpster, weirdo,
you're creeping everybody out.
And when it comes to gay troops in America,
I'm sorry you wanna step in front of a bullet
to protect our freedom?
God bless, thank you very much for doing that for us.
(crowd cheering drowns out speech)
And transgender troops?
I want transgenders in the military.
Are you kidding me?
You had the balls to cut off your own balls?
That's pretty ballsy.
I'm sorry, that's a committed individual right there.
Titus, who's the bravest man in your platoon?
Linda.
And I will follow him anywhere.
In fact, I'm gonna draft transgender people
into the military and form elite groups of trans Seals.
And we will never go to war ever again.
We are going to kill the infidel Americans.
Who are they sending over?
Well, sir, intelligence tells us
they're sending over the trans Seals.
Ah, who are these trans Seals?
Sir, it's a group of people who cut off their testicles
and sewed up their vaginas.
Ah, they were prisoners, it was punishment.
No.
They asked to have it done, then paid for it themselves.
(audience applauding) (audience laughing)
Changing hearts and minds, bitches.
(chuckling)
That trans Seal bit I did,
first time I wrote it, I was doing it
at the Downtown Club here in Arizona, in Phoenix
and I did it.
Next day, my Facebook lights up
with this mom flipping out, five paragraphs.
Oh my God, my son is trans, and he loved you,
you're his favorite comedian.
And since you, that trans bit,
he hates you now, and he wants you to know.
It's not a mutilation, it's a restoration.
(heavy sighing)
Well, restoration means you put it back
the way it was originally.
At best, it's a renovation.
And you really just remodeled the bathroom.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Oh, yeah, call out everybody.
Oh, so as president, I'm gonna give you a country
with a little more automatic healthcare,
a little less automatic weapons,
a country where facts trump opinion,
and facts about Trump change your fucking opinion.
I'll bring you a country where known liars
are convicted instead of elected,
in a country where sexual predators
are putting in prison, with much bigger,
angrier sexual predators.
(audience cheering)
I'm gonna bring you a country where women are heard.
(loud cheering)
Unless the game is on and just give me 20 minutes.
Fuck, I'm trying.
It's the fourth quarter why don't you just...
A country where the poor have a shot at being rich
and the rich don't want the poor shot.
That's an America I can believe in
and that's an America I will bring you
because that's an America I was taught about in school
when I wasn't paying attention.
And that's who I'm gonna be in 2018, thank you very much.
Now, now... (audience cheering)
Why, why am I running in 2018?
'Cause I think the new guy is gonna drop a deuce by Easter.
I really do.
It's getting weirder, isn't it?
And I wanna talk to you Liberals for a second,
'cause, oh, I wanna talk about the check,
'cause by the way, if whatever side you're on
you think, no, there's no douche bags in your group,
you're a douche bag.
The only way we get back to we
is calling out everybody on their bullshit.
We can't just call it one side.
Everybody gotta get called out on their bullshit.
That's how it goes, man.
You know, I thought Trump was easy to get.
And you Trump people didn't do anything wrong.
And people are getting mad at you guys.
You didn't know, you didn't know there was,
these guys voted for the guy they wanted.
That's what you're supposed to do as an American, you know?
And you people that didn't vote or voted for Harambe,
(wry chuckling) when you see that mushroom cloud
over Phoenix, that shit's on you.
What do you mean, that doesn't look like a haboob.
It is not.
They just voted for the guy they wanted.
That he ended up this guy is,
you know, he's a professional conman.
It's not their fault.
And I thought he was easy to get.
I was raised by an alcoholic father and mentally ill mother.
Who better to deal with Congress, lady?
Thank you very much.
Here's how easy Trump is to get.
I have a 12-year-old son and he's an idiot.
Sorry.
He's not an idiot, he's just 12.
10- to 14-year-old boys have this amazing ability
where they can take their brains out,
put them down and just walk away,
(audience cheering)
for weeks at a time.
All right, here's a story about my son.
So, last year, he was in seventh grade.
First through sixth grade, when I had to pick him up,
I had to wait in that drop-off/pick-up line.
Then I had to sign a piece of paper.
Then they had to do a DNA test.
They they had to do an iris scan.
Then I could pick his ass up.
Then he became a seventh-grader and now he can just leave
when he wants, 'cause he's this much taller
and nine pounds heavier.
I guess he's a ninja now.
But I was cool with that.
You know why, 'cause I hated waiting
in that drop-off/pick-up line
with you chatty soccer moms driving Priuses.
Oh my God.
I drive a Ram 1500 4-wheel drive,
and you don't know how many times
I played a monster truck scenario in my head.
I would just sit in that line just thinking.
(imitates engine revving)
How was today at school, son?
So now I'm stoked that I can, that I can get him.
And I tell him that.
I go, good, you can leave, here's what I want you to do.
Cross the street, stand in front of the church.
He goes to a Christian school.
Stand on the curb, I'll drive up, pick you up, we're out.
He goes, cool.
First day I do it, it's raining in LA.
I get up to freeway.
I'm on the wrong side of the freeway.
I got past this four-way stop,
I pull to the curb.
My son is four lanes away from me,
directly across the street.
I look out the window of my truck and my son goes.
(audience laughing)
And we look at each other for like a day and a half.
And I finally roll my window down
and I go, cross the street!
Smart kid, he goes, got it, got it.
He grabs his stuff, he goes to the corner.
I'm right there.
He hits the button.
This light turns green, he crosses this street.
Turns and realizes I'm farther from dad, now.
Doesn't run back on the green.
Hits the button to cross this street.
And it was the first time it came out of me involuntarily.
I'd said it before when he did something silly,
but I was looking at the rear view mirror of my truck,
and I hear myself go, the fuck?
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
He waits for that light to change,
crosses that street, turns and realizes
he now has yet one more street to cross.
He waits for that light to change, cross the street,
gets in my truck, and I go,
what are you doin'?
And he goes, "I know, right?"
(audience applauding)
Which I count as progress,
because he didn't used to know when he was stupid.
'Member, guys, you hit about 13
and you were like, oh my God, what am I doing?
I'm never gonna touch a girl if I keep this up.
That's where my son is.
So, I'm writing this new show,
it was a while ago, and I'm watching the news way too much.
My family hates, 'cause,
and just so you know, Trump people,
I didn't wanna write this show,
but it was on TV every night.
Like, five things a day.
Like, how do you screw up 730 times in 500 days?
The only people happy are Charlie Sheen
and Lindsay Lohan, man, and Chris Brown.
They're like, he beat our record, all right.
So, it's just comin' out of me and I could not,
that's what I do.
My job is to observe and do.
So, it's comin' out of me,
but I'm watching the news all the time,
and my family's like, why do we want to watch the news?
I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You guys wanna eat?
I gotta go to Phoenix.
(audience laughing)
And it's 115 degrees!
(audience whooping)
So, I'm watching the news one night.
I'm just writing.
My son's sitting next to me on the couch.
And here's how easy Trump is to get.
Out of the blue, my son just turns and goes,
"How is Mexico gonna pay for the wall?"
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I love you so much right now.
No, I thought I was crazy.
I don't know, son, maybe we're gonna get free landscaping
at the White House for a while, I don't know.
Maybe we'll send 'em an invoice.
If they don't pay it, I guess we'll just ruin their credit.
(laughing)
We'll be Mexico's ex-wife.
Don't tell your mom I said that.
You Trump people gotta be tired of hearing,
the wall thing is getting so weird.
The weirdest thing I heard about the wall
was when Spicer was still in.
Spicer came out and he goes,
"Part of the wall is gonna be invisible."
(audience laughing)
Even the poorly-educated were like,
aw, come on, man.
We're poorly-educated, we believe in Spandex, not magic.
And here's the sad part for these Trump people.
You guys don't know, they now,
whatever he says, however crazy,
they gotta back him up.
I got fans in Texas, on the border.
They got invisible wall?
Yep, they built it this morning.
Look at that son of a bitch, right there, yeah.
320 foot invisible wall.
You gonna go invisible go big, am I right?
That's a high-tech sum-bitch right there.
Ain't nothin' through that, 'cept for
that little Mexican feller right there.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
(audience laughing)
Rusty, check the fuse box on the invisible wall.
And you voted for the guy.
You know what, you Trump people,
you voted for the man, you deserve your wall,
to the victor goes this wall.
In fact, you know what, I want the wall built now,
'cause every four years after that,
the Olympics, we are gonna kick ass in handball.
(audience laughing)
I mean, we're always gonna have
to play Mexico in the finals,
(sporadic applause)
because they also have a wall.
Nine is the number after eight.
(audience applauding)
Yeah.
And I can prove that no matter who you voted for,
we're all the same in this country right now.
You know why?
Everyone in this room has had someone
come up to them and say, did you hear what he said today?
And then they tell you, and you go, no way.
And then you turn on the TV and you go, dammit.
Every single one of us. (stammering)
There was something that he said
about the wall that I didn't believe,
and then my wife and I were driving somewhere
and listening to the Alabama speech,
the primary speech, when Roy Moore
was against the other guy,
and we have to give Alabama some props
'cause we finally found out their line:
racist, homophobic pedophile.
They were like, nope.
You can hate, just don't fuck kids,
which is their new license plates.
(audience laughing)
So, good job, Alabama.
So, we're listening to the speech
and he says this, and I, honest,
I had to play it again.
I was like, well, what the hell is that?
He said, about the wall, he goes,
"The wall needs to be see-through
"because drug dealers will take 100-pound bags of drugs
"put 'em on catapults, and shoot 'em over the wall.
"And they may hit innocent Americans in the head."
My first thought was, my God,
The Three Stooges have started a drug cartel.
Is that how El Chapo made his billions, is it?
Is that how the Sinaloa cartel just took over Mexico?
Is that?
They have a big meeting one day?
Okay, everybody, welcome to the meeting.
I have a new bitching idea to smuggle the drugs.
No more tunnels, my fingers hurt.
Are you ready for this?
We gonna build a catapult.
No, not a trebuchet.
Catapult.
I not going to argue with you anymore.
Then, we going to take 100-pound bags of drugs,
put 'em in the catapult,
And then, we gonna shoot 'em
over the invisible wall.
Now, we may need to get some liability insurance
in case we hit innocent Americans in the head
who are vacationing near the wall.
Okay, everybody in.
Drug dealers!
Okay.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
That was stupid.
So stupid, thank you.
(laughing)
And here's the other thing about Trump.
If Trump was a nice guy, it'd be easier to take.
You know, we've dumb guys in there before
that were nice guys,
you know, guys that weren't that smart about,
I met George W.
George W's a really nice guy.
I like W.
You know, I didn't agree with him on anything
but I liked him.
I got to meet him, I got to do a show for him,
a Christmas special with ABC, and I had to do the comedy.
It was at Ford's Theater, where Lincoln got shot
which is weird 'cause the booth is right there.
It's 12 feet from you and they don't let anybody sit there
'cause I guess they haven't caught the guy.
(audience laughing)
Or they're still doing forensics.
I don't know what's going on.
So, they asked me to the show, and I said yeah.
Iraq was going on, I said, can I do my Iraq material?
And they went, "No."
And I said, no, no, it's not about the war,
it's about the troops, and they said okay.
Sure, they cleared it, 'cause I went to Iraq a couple times.
And when I would go to Iraq, I'd get these gigs,
I'd call other comedians and I'd go,
dude, we're gonna go do shows
for the troops in Iraq, you wanna go?
And every comedian said, hell, yeah.
And then, I'd call 'em two week before we leave.
We're leaving in two weeks.
I'm not going to Iraq.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna go to Tempe, Arizona where it feels like Iraq
(audience applauding) (audience whooping)
except with old people.
So, the last time I went, I invited this guy named Everlast.
I got to meet him.
Everlast's a great musician, he did he Jump Around.
And he's a great musician,
and he was also raised in Boston and East LA,
so when I said, you wanna go to Iraq?
He's like, yeah, do I bring a gun, or can we rent?
(audience laughing)
He's legit.
So, we go to Iraq, and any soldiers in here, tonight?
If you're in here tonight, thank you for doing the job.
I want you guys to know something.
When you clap for the soldiers,
I want you just not clap because it's all rote.
Think about what they went through.
Iraq was the worst place I've ever been to in my life.
Imagine if Mars got colon cancer.
(audience laughing).
That's Iraq.
Nothing there, and when you get off the plane,
it was so hot, it was.
Literally, it was like here,
except you had, except danger.
I was like (agonized groaning).
And I get off the plane,
and they had palates of water on all the base,
and they go, Titus, drink some water.
I would go, no, I'm just hot.
And then I go to the bathroom
and above every latrine,
there is a chart that shows you where your pee should be,
and it starts clear, then it goes Sprite,
and it goes Mountain Dew, then it Mello Yello.
And I was peeing Aunt Jemima maple syrup down here.
And the lieutenant was like,
you're about eight minutes from death, Mr. Titus.
You better...
Nobody should pee chunks.
Let's go.
And we did Fallujah, and we did Mosul,
and we did Tikrit, and I was over there
before Obama just gave it back.
Goddammit.
Oh I'm sorry, liberals, lighten up.
$3 trillion?
$3 trillion and we walked away?
Could we at least leave Paul Blart here?
Please? Maybe?
You know, the yard ladies at my high school
coulda held off Isis for a couple of weeks.
But Obama was like, nope, George W. signed a treaty,
and we have to be out by 2014,
and we're gonna honor that treaty.
It's the first time we've ever honored a treaty,
(audience laughing)
but we have to this time because I'm the black guy.
Yeah, you conservatives thought I was,
yeah, eh, oh, that's a good point.
So, we do our show, and we're in Mosul,
and we get three days in Mosul.
We have to stay in Mosul for three days,
'cause they can't get us a flight.
And staying in Mosul, Iraq is not,
it's not Sandals, Iraq.
It's not good, and it's just me
and Everlast walking around the base.
And the soldiers are like, guys, don't walk around the base.
If you're going to the, you know, to eat, to the mess,
you gotta move.
And I'm like, why?
And he's like, because.
(initiates falling missile booming)
We're a musician and a comedian.
They were like, that's how they explained it to us.
(initiates falling missile booming)
Oh.
So, after our first day, these soldiers show up,
and they go, hey, we know you guys got a couple days off.
Hey, if we can get you guys a chopper ride,
will you guys go do a show at a forward operating base?
And I was like, hell, yeah!
'Cause I didn't know what a forward operating base was.
(audience laughing)
Here's where we are.
Here's the forward operating base.
Here's where we're going.
Uh.
And it was funny, we got in this,
we had to get this Black Hawk
and they got the doors blown of it.
And they put on my flak vest.
It's like 120 degrees, and it's hot.
And I put on my metal hat.
My helmet, I put on my helmet.
(audience laughing)
All right, that's a joke, but it really happened.
I was getting ready to get in the chopper.
I had my flak vest on, and I put it down, and I lost it,
and I get in the chopper.
I go, anybody seen my metal hat?
And all the soldiers went,
(audience laughing)
did you just say metal hat, sir?
'Cause it's made out of Kevlar and we call it a helmet.
Don't say metal hat again, okay, sir?
'cause the doors are off this chopper and
(initiates falling missile booming).
So, we fly across the desert, and we're flyin' forever.
And we had to divert around this sandstorm,
which is amazing, 'cause we landed, my face was so smooth.
And we get close to this, and we fly forever.
And there's nothing there, it's desolate.
What are we here for?
There's just rocks, and dirt, and no trees,
and all of a sudden, in the distance,
we see this town and it's in the middle of nowhere.
I mean there's no hills, water, nothing.
What it looks like is people got pissed
at the Mosul City Council, like,
you know what, screw you.
We're gonna start our own town!
Come on, guys, let's go.
And they started walking.
And they walked a biblical distance,
and somebody went, fuck it, we're gonna build it right here.
I don't care.
Naw, my flip-flops are all jacked up, I can't.
No, I don't care what the white Jesus says.
(audience laughing)
So, we're comin' in, and as you see,
so there's a town over here,
and then 400 yards away, there's this big, giant complex.
And we found later, that was the old mayor of the town.
He had this big giant mansion and we commandeered it.
I don't know what commandeered means,
you're gonna have to ask an American Indian.
(audience laughing)
(audience whooping) (audience applauding)
Titus, hysterical and historical.
So, we come in and we land on the base,
and we're inside.
It's got these thick walls,
and this little lieutenant comes up to help.
He's got little glasses.
I go, it's Radar O'Reilly,
and nobody knows what the hell I'm talking about
'cause they're 14 and I'm 1,007.
And we get out, we get out of the chopper,
and I look over and up against the wall is a tank
and the turret is pointed over the wall,
directly at the town.
And I go to the commander.
I go, what's the deal with the tank?
And he goes, "It's a reminder."
That's how we're changing hearts and minds.
Ah, we're reminding them.
So, the guy takes it,
and I wanna say, you wanna talk about being we the people?
Every soldier I saw, white, black, Hispanic,
didn't matter whatever religion they were,
all working together.
You wanna talk about we?
Those guys did it every day and they were bad-ass at it.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
And, so this lieutenant takes up on the third balcony,
and we're overlooking the town in the distance,
and he starts talking about this town of Azrah
that we're at and he goes,
this town of Azrah is one of the smallest town in Iraq,
and all the bad guys, the worst of the worst
are coming here and hiding out,
so we had to build his base here
so we can go get 'em.
And our guys go in every night,
and they don't know what's behind that door,
and they kick the door in and they're just,
they're knockin' and rockin'.
I was proud, I was like, yeah!
And then my anus clenched shut.
Like, I had this caveman fear come up in me.
I don't know what happened,
but I turned around, and about 20 feet behind us,
this Special Ops guy had walked out onto the balcony,
but he wouldn't come out any further.
And he didn't have a lot of patches on his uniform.
I don't know what unit he was in
but, maybe, any military guy?
The patch on his arm, it was Satan raping a bear.
I don't know.
Anybody wanna fight those guys?
I'm not fightin' those guys.
And this guy was crazy.
He was (stammering), he was an X-Men,
that's what he was, he was a X-Men.
He had the waist of a 12-year-old girl,
like the shoulders of a Yeti.
It was insane,
and he was also calm, too.
Now, every man in this room who's been in a couple
of bar fights, you know the guys you can fight
and the guys you can't fight.
That guy that's goin', come on, me and you,
let's dance, let's do this!
That guy?
Get out your phones,
He's getting his ass kicked,
and it's gonna be hilarious.
Then there's that other guy that just goes,
sure you wanna fight?
(audience laughing)
As a matter of fact, I apologize.
(audience whooping)
And this guy was calmer than that guy, and very,
he's standing 20 feet behind us
on the edge of this balcony,
and we're way out in the front of it,
and he just goes, "Gentlemen, would you guys mind
"coming back here for a second, please?"
So, Everlast turns, 'cause in his voice, you heard it.
Everlast walks past him, I walk past him,
the lieutenant walks past him.
As the the lieutenant walks over,
he grabs the front of his shirt
and part of his nipple, 'cause the kid made noise.
The kid went, "Oh!"
And now he's getting carry/dragged
behind this wall, and the guy slams him against the wall,
and I said, I am not next.
I'm blaming him, he brought us out here.
And the guy doesn't pay attention to me at all.
Gets right in the kid's face, and he goes,
"You do know there are snipers
"in that town right now, right?"
And Everlast goes, "Uh, can I kick his ass?"
(audience laughing)
And the guy was like, no, it's against Army regulations,
plus I gotta rape him in a minute, anyway.
Now, I didn't tell that story at the Christmas special.
So, here's what a nice guy W. is.
I'm in front of him doing my show.
It's going all right.
W. and his wife, Laura are sitting there.
In the middle of it, I go, Mr. President,
I go, it's hard for me to call you Mr. President.
Can I just call you Hoss?
- Hoss? - Yeah.
And the whole room goes (imitates brakes squealing).
I thought it would get a laugh
not thinking that I just called the President
of the United States Hoss.
And W. looks at me and goes,
"Yeah, Hoss.
"I like that, go ahead and call me Hoss, yeah."
Then at the end of that show,
we're all standing on stage behind him,
and he goes to the mic to make a speech.
And he walk up and he goes, "How's everybody doin'?
"Hoss here." (laughing)
Then they invited me to the White House.
I got to go to the White House?
Make America Great Again?
That's pretty, great, my God.
And I had just got divorced.
And met my new girl, and I got,
married her, finally, by the way.
My new wife is so far out of my league is ridiculous.
Yeah, here's out of my league my wife is.
We'll be in an airport somewhere.
She'll get up to go to the bathroom
and guys I don't know will walk over to me and go,
dude, how did you land that?
I'm like, I don't know, bro, I don't know.
I have no idea. (chuckling)
And don't you say nothing to her,
'cause she may not know this is weird.
(audience laughing)
So, I called her, I said,
you wanna go on a date to The White House?
No, not Waffle House, White House.
She meets me there.
She's got on a ball gown, I've got a tuxedo.
We're in line to get a picture
with W. and his wife, Laura.
And here's what a normal dude W. is.
As we walk over, he glances, sees my girl,
and goes, "All right, things are looking up."
(audience laughing)
(audience whooping) (audience applauding)
And I was like, fist bump, Mr. President.
He was like, "I told you to call me Hoss.
"Call me Hoss."
Nice man, nice man, even when you see him
in interviews now, with Clinton or whatever,
he's just, he's self-deprecating, he's a nice guy.
On the other hand, our new guy hate tweets
about civil rights leaders on Martin Luther King weekend.
Does he have a calendar?
I'm gonna save this tweet till next Saturday.
Maybe that would make sense.
He's gone after some of America's most hated terrorists:
Meryl Streep.
Called Meryl Streep overrated.
She's been nominated for 20 Oscars and won six.
I'm sorry, you don't get to talk to talk shit about anybody
if your best skill is bankruptcy and the comb over.
(audience applauding) (audience whooping)
And Trump people, I want you to know
I'm not giving you my opinion, this is a fact.
The man bankrupt four casinos.
Do you know how casinos work?
People walk into the casino.
They hand over all their money.
And then, they walk out of the casino.
(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)
Somehow, he found the glitch in that.
Ah, but again the problem is liberals in our country
and here's why.
Here's why: liberals right now
think they have the moral high ground.
They're actually all thinking that.
You know, these people are stupid, they voted for Trump.
They're not; they didn't know he was gonna be this guy.
And now because everyone's talking shit online
like a bunch of digital pussies,
everyone's got their back up.
You know, you can't say fuck you, dude.
No one's gonna, oh, we're good, hug me.
That's not what happens.
We gotta learn to be cool.
If we're gonna be we again.
we got to be cool, peoples making mistakes.
My grandmother's 84 years old.
She voted for Trump.
We're playing cards over Christmas,
and in the middle of playing cards,
she just goes, "I wish this man
"would just put down the tweeter."
(audience laughing)
Cannot believe a voter for this idiot.
I made a mistake.
And you know what I didn't do?
Yeah, bitch!
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Yeah, why don't you suck on that, Grandma?
Yeah.
They know, liberals, they know.
They just don't know what to do about it.
You know they gotta, they're gonna ride it out,
but they know, trust me.
They go home.
We're all the same, people, we're all,
I can prove we're, every one of us, the same.
Every single one of us, in the morning,
grabs our phone, hits the news feed,
sees what he says, and says exactly what Paul Ryan says.
Fuck!
(audience laughing)
We're all the same.
Every single one of us knows
every time we see Kellyanne Conway on the television
that somewhere, she's got a coat
made out of Dalmatian puppies.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
We're all the same.
There's no difference.
We're all Americans, man.
Everyone in this room knows that from space,
Trump's hair looks like Doppler radar
during hurricane season.
(audience laughing) (audience whooping)
How do you comb your hair over from your neck, man?
It's insane.
We're all the same 'cause everybody in this room
whether who you voted for,
when he walked up the stairs that day
and that whole thing went, baa.
We all knew that's a Dr. Evil moment, oh my God.
And he's obviously part clam.
What just happened?
So, I want everyone to be cool
with people's mistakes now.
We're all gonna be,
in fact, I'm gonna tell you a story right now
about one of the worst mistakes
I have made in the last five years,
and we're gonna laugh about it.
And that's how we're gonna be when someone says they voted.
Anyone, next time they go, dude, what happened?
I can't believe I did this,
you're not gonna get mad.
You're not gonna be, oh, yeah, fuck you.
He's not my president.
Yeah, you live here, too, fucker.
Yeah, he is.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
By the way, you don't have to like it,
but we gotta figure out how to fix it,
and the only way that's gonna happen is we.
'Kay, so, I'm gonna tell you a story.
And you guys, it's the worst thing
I did in the last five years.
(clears throat) I started drinking when I was 15 years old.
I stop drinking at 17 because I fell into a bonfire.
(audience laughing)
Oh, I got really good at drinkin'.
That's gold-medal level, right there.
Alcoholics Anonymous sent me a certificate
that just said wow.
And then under that it said, we can't help you.
So, I stop drinking at 17 years old.
I didn't drink again till I hit 41.
I met my new girl, we're at dinner one night,
having dinner, and I had water.
And she goes, "How come you're not having a drink?"
And I go, 'cause I fell into a bonfire when I was 17.
And she goes, "But you're not 17 anymore.
"You're a grown-ass man."
And I thought, wow, you're an alcoholic.
She's said, "No, I'm just saying
"you're not making the decision of a child.
"You're a grown man, have a drink."
I go, do you run alcohol distribution company?
What is wrong with you?
And then she said, "I'm just saying a real man
"would have a drink."
- Whoa!
- She's from Louisiana, I said okay.
And she was showing a lot of side boob, so I said yes.
I am only flesh and blood.
And she was right,
I was an older man, different guy,
have a different life.
I had a drink, I'm fine.
I can drink, it's good, everything's fine.
Everything's fine, yeah, yeah, I can drink.
But...
Recently, something happened.
And by the way, and I'm the worst kind of drunk,
'cause I'm happy drunk.
You can't piss me off.
We'll be in a bar somewhere,
someone's goin', what the hell you lookin' at?
Your hair is amazing.
(audience laughing)
Is that a mousse or a pomade,
'cause you are beautiful, Brad Pitt.
Oh, you wanna do me, homo?
No, but we can get married legally now.
Hell, I'll even bake you a cake.
(audience applauding) (audience whooping)
(drunken laughing) I'm gonna need a couple more
of these, though,
'cause I know my mouth is gorgeous.
I'm the guy, when people are dragging me out
and I'm laughing at 'em,
I'm like, what, we're just talking.
No, he's gonna kill you.
Why? What?
Is he mad?
Come on, gimme a hug.
Come on, it's okay.
Here, hug it out.
Let's all hug it out.
I'm a pain in the ass, dude, I'm the worst.
So, you know, I can drink, everything's fine.
So I got, but I got one, okay.
So, a while back, I got home from one of my road gigs
and on Monday I take the day off and I watch my shows
on my DVR.
I was watching Street Outlaws, or whatever it is.
And I had three glasses of wine.
I had three, I had three.
I poured a whole bottle into three glasses of wine.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
And I drank it over three hours,
he says to justify his behavior.
I got done drinking, it was three hours, I remembered.
I went upstairs and my wife was already in bed.
And I get in bed.
She goes, "Hey, your throat sounds kinda raspy.
"I want you to take this Benadryl."
- Oh.
- I didn't know this part, see?
This is the part.
I don't take medication.
I did not know that wine plus wine, plus wine,
plus Benadryl equals oh my God, no.
(audience laughing)
And that's the second math joke I have ever written.
(audience cheering)
Thank you.
So, I took the Benadryl 'cause I love her.
Well, she can just hand me anything, take this.
Okay. (vocal burbling)
Why am I foaming now?
She's just counting money.
No reason, keep going.
People, I took that Benadryl after that wine.
I slept like I have never slept in my life.
Almost went into the light.
Woke up the next morning like I had a blood transfusion
like I feel incredible!
This must be what Oprah and Keith Richards do.
This is incredible, woo!
But my house was weird.
Like, my wife woke up, she was grumpy,
but she wakes up grumpy sometimes.
I didn't think about that,
but my dogs were inconsistent
and my dogs are very constant.
Every morning, I wake up,
my older dog just face rapes me for five minutes.
That's what he does.
This morning, though, he was sitting
at the end of the bed as far as he could get away
from me, going.
Our younger dog, who's the dark soul,
he listens to Nine Inch Nails all the time,
usually under the bed shivering.
This morning, however, he's bouncing all over me
like whatever I did last, we were buddies,
gonna hang out in the smoking area
and carve our initials in our arm.
I didn't think anything of it.
I just went about my day.
And my wife didn't say anything to me,
but instead, as I'm going about my day,
she started to noise me into an argument.
Oh yeah, (stammering).
She wouldn't say anything, but I get my coffee,
I'm walkin' down the hall, and as she goes by me,
she goes, (loud grumbling sighing).
You should know what I'm doing right now.
'Cause I walked past her two hours later
and she just went, "Wow."
And I'm not biting.
I know what's coming, I'm not gonna bite.
I just keep ignoring her.
And two hours later, she walks past me
and she just goes, "Unbelievable!"
What?
And she whips on me and she goes,
"Do you know what you did last night?"
And that sentence is never followed
by, you saved a baby from a fire.
(audience applauding) (audience laughing)
You cured cancer, filed a patent,
and we never have to work again.
That's what you did last night!
So, I sat down on the edge of the bed
'cause I'd heard that sentence before when I was 17,
and I said, no, what did I do last night?
And she said, "You were sleeping
"like I've never seen you sleep."
And I said, I remember that.
She said, "About three a.m, you got up
"to go to the bathroom."
(audience chuckling)
You shouldn't be that far ahead of me on this.
"You got up to go to the bathroom.
"walked into the closet,
"opened your pants, then opened your pajama drawer,
"and filled it."
And I said, with what?
Because I didn't want the dogs to have one up on me.
She said, "Then you pulled up your pants,
"closed your pajama drawer, and flushed it
"by flicking off the light switch."
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
I peed in my pajama drawer.
Now, I know a lot of you are more weirded out
that I have a pajama drawer,
but my wife loves Jimmy Stewart,
and she likes me to sleep silky.
Our safe word is Harvey.
(audience applauding)
I made a dumb mistake.
It's a dumb mistake, it was a dumb mistake.
So, next times, you liberals,
one sitting next to you, Trump people go,
God, I voted for this guy, and man,
he's just not living up to it.
I wish I hadn't voted for him.
Don't get in their face.
Just go, that's okay, you peed in your pajama drawer.
It's all right.
But here's how we can save America,
if we can just get rid of the confidently-stupid people.
I'm not talking about normal stupid,
or don't know and are trying,
I talking about the people that don't know
and are proud they don't know, and think they know.
You know the people I'm talking about?
People that just yell at you.
You give 'em a fact, they're like,
I don't believe that.
Well, it doesn't care what you believe, it's a fact.
Where'd you get that fact?
NASA.
NASA, a bunch of nerds, and geeks, and elites.
'Cause that's what stupid people do.
Instead of just taking five minutes
to look it up, they came up with the words
to make fun of smart people.
You know, words like nerd, and geek, homeowner.
(audience laughing)
Elite, the damn elites running it.
And I was on the elite boat for a minute.
During the election, I was like, yeah, the elites!
Then I looked up what elite means.
You know what elite means?
It means best of the best.
Elite means you're better than almost anybody at your job.
If you're elite at what you do,
you're in the top 5%.
That's who I want running shit,
not somebody who owned a beauty pageant.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
Sorry.
Do you know why?
'Cause every man on the planet
when it comes to boobs and butts is pretty elite,
but I wouldn't trust one of you bitches with the economy.
- Yeah!
- I don't like the confidently-stupid.
And do you know how hard it is
to be stupid and not know in 2018?
One time, it was being the smartest mammal
to walk the planet.
Every single one of us down to the dumbest person in here
has one of these phones,
and in that phone, clickety-clack,
is every piece of information
from the beginning of recorded history,
and it's four inches from your butt hole, all day long,
and you still found time to be a dumbass?
The gas pumps at the, have a screen
pumping new information while you're pumping gas,
and you're still stupid?
How is that possible?
Stupid people must just get home tired every day, you know?
'Cause it's so hard to be stupid now.
Your wife goes, what's the matter, hon?
Oh, babe, I'm so beat.
Today was rough, I had to walk to the world
avoiding truth, and knowledge, and facts.
Oh, yeah. it was horrible.
Thank God you put that song on my iPod.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
That was great.
I just don't wanna think anymore, babe.
I just wanna turn my brain off.
Put on Fox News, please, put on Fox.
Please put on Fox News.
(audience applauding) (audience whooping)
Quick fact for you people that thinkin'
this lib-tard snowflake, thinking anything like that.
Fox News was proven, after a fact check on 'em
to be 17% accurate.
CNN's only 73%, but 17?
Damn, I did better than that in school
and I got four Fs and a D.
(audience applauding)
(audience whistling)
Fox News is like the Tofurky of news
'cause it's not what it says it is,
but I like Fox for a lot of reasons,
'cause as a older gentleman, I know
where to get a comfortable catheter.
(audience laughing)
Don't need it yet, I'm waiting for a coupon.
Do you guys know the people I'm talking about,
the confidently stupid, that are just so,
like, they don't have any facts but they're loud about it
so everyone just backs off?
Yeah, I know, I know.
98% of climatologists say climate change exists
but 2% say it don't, so that makes it inconclusive.
(audience laughing)
Okay.
So, if I'm 98% inside your girlfriend
(audience whooping)
(audience applauding)
is she cheating on you or is it inconclusive?
Either way, I believe you've been disenfranchised.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
Thank you very much.
Thank you, very much.
Fix this bitch!
- Fix this bitch!
Fix this bitch!
- Goodnight, everybody, thank you very much!
(rock version of "The Star-Spangled Banner")
See you guys again!
Thank you, so much!
Goodnight.
Bye, guys.