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[man 1] Here we go.
- One, two... - [drumsticks clacking]
- [man 2] You guys wanna story? - [men cheering]
Yeah, I got a story. A fuckin' doozy.
[man 3] Is this the one where you say you own Facebook?
[man 2] Starts like this.
On the seventh day, God rested.
- [man 4] I love God. - [man 1] He's my favorite god.
[man 2] Yeah, but he's God, so he knew
that if after six days of crazy you gotta rest
- on Sunday, right? - [man] I'd rest every day.
[man 2] But what about those poor bastards
going through six days of crazy,
not knowing that the seventh day is gonna be a day of rest,
or just another day at the shit store?
Those are the poor bastards we should toast.
[all] To the shit store!
[man 2] Who knows, maybe a couple of angels come along
and nudge him in the right direction.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
This is the story of Frank and Nancy Teagarten.
Their seven days started on the morning
they dropped their daughter off to college.
[Frank] Wow.
Seems just like yesterday I was pushing you on the swings
in Gardner Park.
[Nancy] Yeah.
And now, look at our college girl,
on her way to becoming a veterinarian.
Now, baby. We're just a phone call away,
five-hour car ride away, 50-minute plane ride away.
You know we're there for you, anything you need.
You have our numbers.
Yes, I practically have them memorized.
- [Nancy] Good. - But, don't call
after 10:00 p.m. 'cause we'll probably be asleep.
That was a joke. You know that was a joke, right?
[laughs] I love your jokes, Daddy.
- [Nancy] Do you like your bed? - Yeah.
We should have gotten her a better mattress.
How come we didn't think of that?
You know what this room needs, is a Medeco lock.
Medeco makes a very sturdy lock.
- Yeah. - And what's with this
co-ed dorm? Why are we doing that?
She's in a co-ed dorm, whose idea was that?
That's wrong.
I love you guys so much.
Thank you.
Thank you for everything. [sobs]
[somber music]
[bell tolling]
["REVOFEV" by Kid Cudi playing]
[engine starts]
♪ Let go, life does get tough ♪
♪ No need to stress ♪
♪ Hold you back too much ♪
♪ Let's go I heard They found a solution ♪
♪ Where will you be For the revolution? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ I say to kids ♪
♪ Wake up Things might get rough ♪
♪ No need to stress Keeps you down too much ♪
♪ Wake up I heard They found a solution ♪
♪ Where will you be For the revolution? ♪
- It's gonna be okay. - Which part?
All of it. I promise.
[winch whirring]
Can I help you?
- Sorry, guys. Gotta hook it up. - [Nancy] Shit!
What, now?
Hey, man.
I'm just doing my job, all right?
[Frank] We, uh...
we just dropped our daughter off at college,
and we've been really, really busy,
and I'll send a payment in a few days.
[driver] Look, it's not me, it's Volvo, okay?
They don't fuck around when it comes to a lease, okay?
I just need a little more time.
[Frank] There... there is a backstory here.
Always is, brother. Always is.
Would you like to hear it?
[driver sighs]
All right, shoot.
I started a medical company.
Put everything we had into it, making a medical innovation
that's been adding years to people's lives.
We rolled the dice hard, but we believed in it.
Then there was a problem.
Small, but enough for some news stories.
They started calling us "controversial,"
which is the toughest word in our business,
and it's been...
bad dominoes ever since.
Now, our daughter doesn't know at all about this.
We've been holding it together until she went off to college,
and now we're gonna hold it together
until we get back on our feet.
What do you make?
- What, salary? - Product.
Artificial heart valves designed for transfemoral placement,
- which means... - Dual leg artery.
I know.
You know what I used to do before this repo shit?
- Paramedic. - Oh?
Yeah. People used to be glad to see me show up.
Yesterday, I had to take three child seats
out of the back of a Lexus,
lay them out on their lawn,
like I was setting up for some
goddamn baby Lollapalooza concert,
The Wiggles or some shit.
- Remember them? - No.
Fuckin' Yum Yum Fruit Salad.
I got kids.
It was sad.
Shit. Okay, look.
I'll tell 'em you weren't here.
But the most I can get you is days, not weeks. All right?
So, if I were you,
I'd find a way to put some loot in my suit.
Sell some crack, or I'll be back!
[laughs]
[laughing awkwardly]
- [Frank] Thank you. - [Nancy] Thank you!
Finally a break.
[upbeat music]
[Frank] What about the, uh,
lamp in the den?
It's broken.
So, we sell it, uh,
as is, or we fix it?
We don't fix things, Frank, we only ruin them...
[Bert] Hi guys.
- Having a yard sale? - [Frank] Uh, no, Bert.
Our living room puked all over our yard.
- What? - Bye.
[dog whines]
[Nancy] Oh, look, Frank.
A 2,000-dollar Breville Oracle espresso machine.
And we just had to have it.
But, we never even took it out of the damn box.
Just be happy that the thing is still in the box,
it's worth 2,000 dollars, one-eighth of that is,
it's a... it's a car payment.
Why did we get all this stuff?
Stuff, stuff, stuff everywhere,
and I can't even afford to get my roots done
or get a bikini wax.
Hey, guys! You're having a yard sale?
[Nancy] Hi, Jason.
No, Jason, our house got hit by a tidal wave.
Just ours.
Uh. It's a freak of nature.
[Jason chuckles] Well, I'm glad it was yours.
'Cause, salt water, it's like kryptonite
for the wheelchair.
Jason, are you making a handicap joke?
[stutters] I'm sorry, I thought...
'Cause...
I'm the one in the... Uh, Rachel called me.
It sounds like she made it off fine.
So, the two of you were trying to make
the long-distance thing work?
The odds are against it, Jason, and she's ambitious
and you live at home.
- [Nancy] Frank? - [Frank] Yes?
Don't pay any attention to him, Jason.
[whispers] He's been drinking.
Well, I'd better be off to work, so...
Hey, Jason, do you wear your Staples uniform
under your clothes like Superman,
or do you go home and change at your mom's,
where you live, with your mom?
[Nancy speaking in Spanish]
[Frank speaking in Spanish]
Can't understand the, the whispered Spanish.
Mr. Teagarten, I'd really like to get along with you,
even if Rachel and I are eventually just friends,
nothing more,
'cause I... I think you guys are amazing people.
Thank you, Jason.
- Have a nice day. - Yeah.
[Frank] Enjoy the ride. [grunts]
It's like, 'cause of the wheelchair.
That's...
- Have a nice one. - [cell phone ringing]
[cell phone beeps]
Nigel, how's it going over there in London, huh?
Are they still driving backwards?
What are you talking about?
[laughs]
You know what I mean.
You know, sideways,
the cars... [sighs]
the street?
Have you been drinking?
Oh, that's hilarious.
Seriously. [laughs]
Listen to me, I am gonna be traveling
for a while, all right?
I'm gonna be gone to Nepal,
I'll be gone for about four months,
I'll be off the grid.
Oh, that's weird. Hey, listen, Nigel,
while I have you on the phone,
I think I need to ask you for more money...
to watch the house.
'Cause I'm over there like three days a week.
What are you talking about?
[Nigel] It's not that hard to watch my house.
I live right next door to you.
I should... I can get the kid down the street
to do it for free,
just so he can go in and watch cable.
Jesus.
What did he say about more money?
I don't think he's into it.
I'm going to Nigel's for a minute.
[keys jingle]
[foreboding music]
[door creaking]
No.
[cell phone ringing]
[cell phone beeps]
- Hello, this is Frank. - [inaudible dialogue]
Oh, hi. Uh...
Yes, I am going to pay you soon.
Uh, no, I don't know when,
but your credit card is very important to me, so I...
Oh, yes, I know that, but... [sighs]
Well, I do wanna work with you, so how about this?
I'll send you the credit card,
and you just shove it up your fucking ass.
- Does that work? - [inaudible dialogue]
[cell phone beeps]
[foreboding music]
Yes.
Yes. Yes.
[Nancy] Absolutely not.
It's a Chateau Latour.
It's worth 800 dollars.
Have you lost your mind?
Wait a minute.
Since when did you start smoking?
- Just now. - [scoffs]
Great timing.
Just when we can't afford it.
Nigel has hundreds of bottles of wine.
He doesn't need more wine.
He needs a punch in the face, but not more wine.
[Nancy] Would you please have some decency?
You're supposed to be looking after his property,
not parting it out like an old Chevy.
- What? - I mean, what's next?
You gonna put an... an ad on Craigslist and rent it out?
[sighs]
Rent out his house?
Rent out Nigel's house? On Craigslist?
That's insane.
[Nancy] Stop changing the subject.
Put that bottle of wine back.
Right now.
Shame on you, Frank!
[Nancy sighs]
♪ Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy ♪
♪ Hurdy gurdy gurdy, he sang ♪
♪ Here comes the Roly Poly Man ♪
♪ He's singing songs of love ♪
♪ Roly poly, Roly poly, roly... ♪
I love this album.
Are they still called albums?
Albums...
C, D, D, D.
[laughs]
You know the Filipinos?
Bob and Teresa?
From the Philippines.
They used to strap coca tree bark to their bodies
before they went to battle.
The coca then, would leech into their bloodstream,
and get them amped up
to help them overcome the fear of war.
Frank, we're at war.
I don't think we can get our hands on that kind of bark.
- We ran out of vodka. - [clattering]
I wonder what Rachel will listen to in college.
What music will...
transport her back to her youth,
back to a time when her whole life was in front of her.
[inhales deeply]
- I don't know. - [cork squeaking]
I only know I'm sad about that vodka.
[cork pops]
Fuck it.
Latour, baby!
[Nancy gulping]
Whatever happens probably will.
- Let's finish it inside. - Yeah.
Yeah.
Starts getting better tomorrow.
[singing] ♪ When I'm stuck with a day ♪
♪ That's grey, and lonely ♪
[both singing] ♪ I just stick out my chin ♪
- ♪ and grin... ♪ - [Nancy thuds]
- [Frank] Oh! - [Nancy] ♪ And say ♪
♪ The sun will come out Tomorrow ♪
[both singing] ♪ Mañana! Mañana! ♪
♪ Te quiero, mañana! ♪
♪ You're only a day ♪
♪ Away! ♪
[Frank laughs] You fell on your ass, baby.
[rock music]
[record player crackling]
[door opens]
[birds chirping]
[Carl] Excuse me!
Hi. [chuckles]
What, what can you tell me about this house?
I'm sorry?
There was a rental ad for this house on Craigslist,
but no one's answering the doorbell.
An ad on Craigslist?
[Carl] Yeah.
For Nigel's house?
No, somebody named Frank?
The ad's gone, it was flagged for profanity.
Okay, wait. Back the fuck up.
Let's start over. What?
[Carl] Well, there was an ad,
"For rent, big, beautiful fucking house
furnished up the ass."
Obviously, I was intrigued.
Are, are you okay?
Not even in the ballpark.
[cart rattling]
[cart thuds]
Four dollars?
Four dollars for a zucchini.
And these people won't even grease the wheels
- of their shopping cart. - [cart clattering]
[Nancy] Fuckers.
[Heidi] Nancy?
Are you okay?
Oh, you. [chuckles]
Heidi, hi.
I'm fine, it's just that I saw a spider,
and I tried to get it. [laughs]
My foot got stuck.
Um, are those box wines in your cart?
[laughs]
No, I'm juicing.
[gasps] How are Chip and the kids?
Oh, Chip pulled some strings and got Carter into Yale.
He won't light up the world but he won't blow it up, either.
Oh. [chuckles]
Oh, totally off subject, did you hear about Lisa Chang?
No, Lisa?
She and Andrew split up, younger woman,
yadda yadda, you know the drill.
But, Lisa is working at Macy's now.
- [gasps] - [Heidi] At the perfume counter.
- Oh, my god. - Oh, my god.
She's waving those little smelly cards
on people's faces.
She gained ten pounds.
And she's about to gain more.
Because you have to be rich to be skinny.
All the cheap foods are the ones that pork you up.
The sugars, the carbs, the corn syrup.
I do not understand why
the more preservatives and chemicals
they put in the food, the cheaper it is.
And the food that just comes out of the earth,
it's so expensive.
- Bastards! - [cart clatters]
It's those hippies,
they seed their sow going,
"Hey dude, look at this zucchini, man.
It's so beautiful, a gift from Mother Earth.
How much should we charge for it?"
"Uh, I don't know,
uh, 4.20?
[laughs]
[chortles]
[both laugh]
Okay, bye. Goodbye. Nice to see you.
- Bye. Bye. - Bye.
[Nancy] Bye.
[cell phone rings]
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Oh, Frank.
I think I'm having an anxiety attack, and...
Wait, what?
[car approaching]
[tires screeching]
[car door opens]
[car door closes]
[keys jingle]
[door opens]
Is this a joke?
- But when? - [Frank] The check?
No, the ad.
Oh, it must have been last night when we were drinking.
I thought you did it. It was all your idea.
My idea?
Frank, I said it to make a point
about how we don't do anything stupid like that.
Don't you remember?
I don't remember us polishing off
that Chateau Latour, but we did that too, right?
[Nancy] I remember that.
I remember pulling the cork,
it made that pop sound
like the crunch sound Eve probably made
when she bit the apple.
Baby.
It's six months in advance, his name is Carl,
and for what it's worth, I think he was sent from God.
Frank, do you understand what this means?
It means an entire year of Rachel's tuition.
Thank you, Jesus!
- [gasps] - Does this mean...
we're gonna celebrate?
Heck yes!
But I gotta do something first.
I'll be right back.
[retreating footsteps]
[romantic music plays]
[doorbell rings]
[Carl] Hi, Frank.
Hey.
Is that Dave Brubeck on the stereo?
- No. - [Carl] Ah. Too bad,
I love Brubeck.
Especially back when Stan Getz was on tenor sax.
Getz did the soundtrack for Micky One,
which is my favorite Warren Beatty film.
I wanna say '65, '66.
Warren Beatty was a handsome boy.
Got all the lady women, right?
But you know, Micky One's not for everyone.
You have to be patient.
Unlike Star Wars, that really trucks along, right?
Same with Dances With Wolves.
Kevin Costner, he was...
[man clears throat]
Uh, Carl, that was bizarre, and I didn't follow any of it.
Is everything okay?
Oh, it's...
I love the house.
- [chuckles] - [Carl] I'm being rude.
- This is my good buddy, Joe. - [Joe clears throat]
Well, less of a buddy and more of a parole officer.
I beg your pardon?
Frank, uh, as a new neighbor, I'm "legally required"
to tell you that I'm a registered sex offender.
Come again?
Wow, really? [laughs]
Really what?
I... I was kidding. You said "come again"
and I'm a sex offender. It was a joke.
[Joe] Carl's a class three offender.
He has to notify any resident within a designated area.
So we'll be going house to house.
It's kind of like trick or treating,
except for we don't get candy,
we tell people I'm a pedophile.
I'm sorry, I'm having trouble with my ears.
There's a really loud sound to them, like a...
like a roaring crashing ocean, so...
What the fuck did you just say?
[Nancy] Baby, tell little Frank
that I'm here, that I'm ready.
Baby, get away from the door!
[screams]
[speaking in Spanish]
Wow. Frank. [chuckles]
You really did well.
[Frank] I did not see that coming.
[Nancy] Good. I'm glad you didn't plan this.
[Frank] Gotta burn down the house to cook the pig.
[Nancy] What?
[Frank] I'm saying, "I did not see that coming."
[Nancy] Oh, look.
They're going to the Templeman's.
Nice people, the Templeman's.
Their lawn is always so green.
I've always wondered what they use.
Maybe you can call Carl.
You know, the fucking, fucking sex offender,
and ask him to ask them.
[Frank inhales]
Probably magnesium sulfate.
[Nancy] You realize we're going to jail, right?
[Frank] No. Nigel will never press charges,
I've pulled his fat out of the fire too many times.
Like last month, his smoke detector was beeping,
I changed the nine-volt, didn't even charge him.
[Nancy] Snap out of it, motherfucker.
We're going to jail.
Don't, uh, forget your prescriptions
and anything else you might need for the next few weeks.
[Nancy] Frank, help me.
Hold this bag. Hold this bag.
Do you really need all these panties and such, hun?
No. I'm gonna hide them in the attic.
I don't want him going all over my lingerie.
The word is "cumming," honey. Cumming.
[Nancy] I don't give a damn.
I do not want his DNA on my private things.
Baby, we really don't know what he did.
Then you should hide your panties, too.
Hi.
[Carl] Look, I, I, I know I should have said something,
but it... it's not like I told you
I wasn't a registered offender.
Oh, my god, he just said that.
I saw his lips move and everything.
[Frank] Carl.
Part of me would like to punch you in the face right now,
but another part of me would like to kick you in the balls.
Which do you prefer?
Uh, thanks. I... I normally don't get a choice.
But I, I don't know anything about your house.
Well, how do I know your house is as nice as this house?
Our house is gorgeous.
Carl, you don't have a choice.
Our house could be a shack cantilevered over
hell's septic tank, and it wouldn't matter.
You either move into our house,
or you're back on the street, because you cannot stay here.
I guess I could just get my 25 grand back
and find another place.
[inhales deeply]
You know what?
Fine with me.
Because I'm not even sure that I want you in my house,
sleeping in our bed, inside our sheets,
where I sleep naked all the time.
[Nancy grunts]
And what if he finds our home videos?
Didn't I tell you not to film that?
[stammers] Maybe I can make this work.
Let me... let me run something by you.
The Swedish Duxiana mattress.
I haven't been able to sleep one night in it.
I'm not really interested in mattresses normally,
but this is my one time for this mattress,
and I'm not even a mattress guy.
- You want the mattress, Carl? - [Carl] Yeah.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
You're not getting the mattress.
Have you ever had your head examined?
What's in there, Pop-Tarts?
"I'm not even a mattress guy."
- [stammers] - Jesus H. Christ, Carl.
You are not getting the fucking mattress!
[Carl] Why are we going through the backyard?
Why is the sky blue?
[Carl] Uh, 'cause sunlight
is refracted by dust particles in the air
and blue is the dominant color of the spectrum?
Did you learn that in the fifth grade,
or from a fifth grader?
[Carl] Ouch.
[Nancy] Baby, only you would think
of turning Nigel's pool into our own private drive-in.
[Frank] Maybe I'm losing my mind.
[both] Aww.
[Nancy] Look at her.
That was Rachel's fifth-grade play.
She was so good.
Rachel was the best thing in it. I'm being objective.
I mean, compared to Rachel,
the rest of these kids were all laughable.
Their screechy voices, so hard on the ears.
[Nancy] Ah, and there it is.
Janice's grand, unforgettable party.
Your sister only threw that party
to prove how rich she is.
You know, I was in a 98 cents store today.
[sighs] I bet you anything that Janice
would never set foot in one of those.
That's only because she married Dan,
not because she's any smarter than you.
Do you remember when we went together?
You were craving Baby Ruths.
I just had to have that Baby Ruth.
On a hunch, we bought that pregnancy test
and eight months later,
along came our little Rachel.
To Baby Ruths.
- To Baby Ruths. - [Frank moans]
[cell phone ringing]
[cell phone beeps]
[in an English accent] Hello?
[inaudible dialogue on phone]
Mr. Teagarten's not at home.
I'm sorry?
He owes you money?
Well, I'm his butler, not his accountant,
you fucking ass.
- [inaudible dialogue on phone] - [cell phone beeps]
[clears throat]
That was Mastercard.
Frank, why don't we sell our funeral plots?
We can get what,
2,000 dollars at least, right?
Shit, baby, I'm sorry. School wanted a dorm deposit.
Well, how lovely.
I actually have to pee really badly right now,
and I would normally do it right here in the pool,
but I don't wanna make our problems any worse.
[door closes]
[doorbell rings]
Is that you, Carl?
[man 1] What's up, pervert?
[Frank] What the hell is going on here?
- [thwacks] - [Frank grunts]
[Frank] Nancy, Nancy, call 911!
[man 2] Who you talking to?
[Frank] Uh, nobody.
There's nobody else here.
- [thwacks] - [Frank grunts]
[suspenseful music]
Oh, my god.
[Nancy] Run, run, ISIS has come!
I am... I am neutral!
Put me down! Put me down!
[tense music]
[engine revs]
[tires screech]
[suspenseful music]
[gun cocks]
[man 3] You know what this bitch was doing when I grabbed her?
Staring at a little girl in a leotard.
[muffled] I'm looking at my daughter.
[man 2] The law won't protect our community
from deviants like you.
We will!
So if we see you anywhere near...
112 Blue Jay...
- [gunshot] - [Nancy] Oh, my god!
[crows cawing]
[Nancy] We just escaped death.
They thought you were Carl,
because Carl gave out Nigel's address.
[Frank yelling] They thought I was Carl
because he gave out Nigel's address.
That's what I just said, why are you screaming?
[Frank] The gunshots!
My ears are, you know.
You know how you know when your life
is out of control?
When there's a ringing in your ears
and you don't know if it's a creditor calling
or a kidnapper has fired a shotgun
- six inches from your head. - [horn blaring]
Is that Spanx over tights?
Yes, I'm double spanking.
Do you have to scream it to the world?
'Cause right about now,
I'd like to have a pair of really tight Spanx
around my fucking neck!
[Nancy] No, Janice would never understand.
But she's your sister.
She will ask too many questions.
Our car broke down.
Right.
And I'm barefoot
because we have the Flintstones car.
and I peddled it like Wilma.
[Frank] What's your guess on his net worth?
I'd say at least a hundred million.
It's as high as two hundred million.
No, that's too high.
At least a hundred million.
He's definitely well fed.
Please, let's go.
She... she'll never buy our bullshit.
And you can't tell her, or anybody else for that matter.
That's how this falling from grace thing works.
People find out, they look away, they avert their eyes.
Especially our friends.
Are they really our friends, then?
Nancy, I'm too tired
to have a deep conversation right now.
But, no.
[Nancy] No, Frank.
Why are you forcing me to do this?
I cannot take this shit right now.
I'm gonna get an anxiety attack.
Not Betty.
[Frank] Okay, I understand you didn't wanna stay at Janice's,
but now you don't wanna stay at this sister's house?
Look, we have nowhere to go.
Carl's in our house, we can't go back to Nigel's
'cause those psychos said they'd kill us,
we don't have any credit cards, you're barefoot,
and I feel like hell.
[Nancy] Of course, you do.
'Cause we're almost there.
That is hell.
It's like we're in Kansas,
and we're about to get sucked into a tornado
and drop into an inferno
where Oompa Loompa's on speed are the gatekeepers.
[Frank] Baby, I'm gonna need some time
to sort through all those analogies.
Besides, it's not that bad.
Just smile a lot.
See? Smile. Like this.
Let's see how long that lasts.
[doorbell rings]
- [Nancy] Hi, Tristan. - [Frank] Hi, Tristan.
Why is she barefoot?
- Uh, Tai Chi. - Uh...
It's... it's very relaxing.
Uh, can we come in?
- I guess you could come in. - [door closes]
Dad, Uncle Frank and Aunt Nancy are here.
That's a really cool walkie-talkie.
Yeah, well, not to me.
My fucking dad won't spring for the Ace 10s,
which are way more badass.
- Hm. - Navy SEALs use Ace 10s.
They also use cool martial arts like Krav Maga
and cool shit like that.
Tai Chi's for homos, but you probably knew that.
Smile, Frank.
Oh, hi, Trey.
I wish.
My walkie-talkie is dead as a used dick.
[Trey] You have any nine-volt batteries?
- Me? - Can I search you?
- What? - Nothing.
Dad, for god sakes, what is this, a Beckett play?
When did this turn into Waiting for Godot?
That is quite a reference for a young lad.
Yeah, I'm Vladimir and he's Estregon.
- It... it's Estragon. - [Tristan] Bullshit.
Dad, chop-chop,
the small talk's getting a little thin out here.
[Bob] All right, I'm coming, I'm coming,
don't get your panties in a wad.
All hail, Lord Douchington.
- [Frank grunts] - Hi, Bob.
[Bob] Hey, you made it.
How's the trip?
- Found everything okay? - [Trey] Douche.
Hey, that's TV for a week, pal.
- Señor Douche. - Yeah...
God.
Delightful.
Hey, so, Nance, how come you're barefoot?
You ain't going hippie on me, are you?
[laughs] Yeah.
Um, I'm like...
Wilma Flintstone.
Fred was the one who drove.
Wilma just rode shotgun.
She drove sometimes.
So, uh, they're termite tending your house? What?
Well, yeah, we tried to sleep in the den,
but there were all these fumes,
and then it was like we were back in the '60s.
[laughs]
Well, I wouldn't know.
I'm way younger than you are.
Hey, but I do know the tending game.
We got spiders.
When those spider eggs pop, those little spiders come out,
they start biting everything like crazy.
Smile, Frank. [laughs]
- [chuckles] - [Bob] Oh, yeah.
- Do I sound defensive? - [door closes]
- No. - Is Betty coming down?
I was telling Frank on the phone,
she's laid up with diarrhea.
She accidentally made a sandwich out of cat food.
Well, don't worry about us. We had dinner already.
I think I'm gonna go see
- how she's... - Hey, hey, hey. You...
You don't wanna go up there right now.
She's on the throne, blowing brown,
if you catch my drift.
I caught it, yeah.
Hey, but like I said,
you two are welcome to bunk in the twins' room.
[Tristan] Our room? Why not your room?
Because you two can sleep on the couch tonight.
Over.
[Tray] Ever hear of a Motel 6? Over.
Ah. Hilarious.
[Bob] I'm just gonna show you to the room,
hopefully, we won't get lost.
[whispers] Let's do this every month.
Sorry, fellas.
Sorry enough to go away?
- Wow. - [Tristan] The bed is small.
If you're gonna do any stuff in it,
just wash the sheets after.
Will do.
It's gross.
Are we talking about the same thing?
- I'm serious. - I'm sure you are.
- Do we have a problem? - [Frank] I don't think so.
Are we done now?
Yeah, I think we're done.
Did you know that you can hack into baby monitors?
We're teaching our neighbor's baby
how to say the N-word.
[gasps]
Uh, Nancy, would you join me outside for a cigarette please?
Please. Yeah.
[Nancy] You understand now what I was talking about?
Except Oompa Loompas are not on speed,
- they are on angel dust. - [lighter clicks]
How did we get so lucky with Rachel?
Well, we communicated with her directly,
not through some CB Radio.
Let's start there and reverse engineer it.
I was thinking,
we rented Nigel's house to Carl
but we had to move him over to our house,
which means that Nigel's house is still empty.
I say we rent Nigel's house again...
- Frank! - ...only this time
to somebody who isn't a sex offender.
Or, why don't we just handcuff ourselves
and walk straight into the police station, Frank?
This place is filled with spider webs.
Well, as you can see, they don't clean.
The original Craigslist ad is still on my phone.
I say we post it again.
[Nancy] Are you not listening to me, Frank?
Absolutely no fucking way.
This is where we draw the line.
Baby, I don't know what's on the other side of that line,
but I do know what's on this side of that line,
and it is bleak.
Okay, here's the original Craigslist ad.
- [Nancy] Don't you dare. - We delete some
of the bad words, I think you were drunk at the time.
I was drunk at the time?
And it is done.
You just posted it again?
[Nancy yells] Frank, you just smoked a spider!
[retches]
Give me the Heimlich!
- [retches] - [Nancy yelling]
- [baby crying] - [man shouts indistinctly]
[man 1] What the hell is going on?
You woke up my baby!
[Bob] Frank, I get it, you smoked a spider.
But can you keep it down?
[Frank gags]
Hit me in the back.
[yelps] Not with the...
[man 1] Natalie, tell your kids to stay off my baby monitor.
[Bob] It's your fault for having a baby monitor.
It's an attractive nuisance.
[Nancy] Oh! There it is.
[shovel banging]
[Nancy pants]
Oh, Frank, are you okay?
Do you want another cigarette?
[Frank groans]
- [Nancy] Are you all right baby? - [Frank groans]
[foreboding music]
[imitates sobbing]
Dad, come quick.
Why is Uncle Frank doing this to me?
What the hell? Oh, my god!
- Yes? - Frank!
- [sobs] - My god!
What is going on?
Nancy, are... are you naked?
No, I'm not naked. It's a shirt.
[Betty] Tristan, what are those?
It's Aunt Nancy's Spanx, Uncle Frank made me wear them.
Now stop this.
- Frank, how could you? - What?
He's just a boy.
I'm so scared right now.
Oh, shit.
Jesus Christ.
Betty.
[Tristan] She just stuck her tongue out at me.
- [Tristan sobbing] - Frank, downstairs, now.
Who are you?
[Nancy] You know what, Frank?
It's not pleasant to be mistaken for a sex offender,
and molesting your nephew in less than 24 hours.
But right now,
I feel sorry for my sister.
I am actually really worried for her.
As you should be.
Pretty soon, some court-appointed therapist
is gonna be white knuckling with those two kids.
I see that your sister calmed down enough
to lend you her wig, huh?
Oh, yeah, I don't know whose wig it is in that house.
[Frank] Well, it helps us hide from the kidnappers.
[Frank] Hey, are you Wayne, the guy that answered the ad?
Yeah, yeah.
- I'm Frank. - Yeah. What are you two,
in the witness protection program?
Uh, no, we were just sunning ourselves in the backyard.
- Is that your truck, Wayne? - [Wayne] Yeah.
[Frank] Oh, that's fantastic. Step inside
and we'll just take a look at the house, okay?
The ad said, uh, the house comes furnished.
Uh, yup. It only needs a mattress. Long story.
The previous tenant took it.
Short story.
Okay, then. I wrote you a check.
You, uh, that's it? You don't wanna have a look around?
Listen, not to be an asshole. You wanna rent the place or not?
I mean, I got shit tons of stuff to do.
Yes, uh, no, uh, sure.
It's just that normally there's a process.
We learned the hard way to ask questions.
[crackling noise]
Did you hear that?
- [crackling noise] - What's that?
Good lord.
Oh, there's something on my face.
No, don't touch your face! Don't panic.
You're covered in spiders.
Jesus, baby don't move!
[screams]
Ah! They're crawling in my body!
[Frank] Hey, come here. Come here.
Frank, you saw them! Get them, get them!
They're biting me, they're biting me!
[screams]
They're biting me! Ah! Get the Spanx!
Get the Spanx! Get 'em!
[screams]
[sobbing]
Take them out! [screaming]
[Frank grunts]
Let's go to the hospital!
Take me to the hospital!
[Nancy screams]
Get my Spanx!
[Nancy] Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, I'm burning!
[indistinct shouting]
- [tires screech] - [engine revs]
[Nancy] Oh, Frank, what have I done?
Tell my Rachel I love her.
[Frank] You're not gonna die, you're not gonna die.
You hear me? Woah! Woah!
Stop scratching yourself, don't antagonize it,
for god sake's.
Nancy, you're gonna be fine,
the doctors will give you an ointment.
Look, I'm steering the wheel. Hold on, hold on.
- [car honks] - [Frank] God I hate spiders,
don't you? Wait, there's another one.
- [car honks] - [Frank] Whoa!
["River Gone Wild" by Rick Boston playing]
♪ Kickin' up a storm Black clouds of gray ♪
♪ Interstate 40's Backing up fast ♪
♪ Look to the east No relief in sight ♪
♪ Pull yourself together 'Cause I gather we might ♪
♪ The river's gone wild ♪
[siren wailing]
[clipper buzzing]
Oh!
[laughs]
- Tyler, how are you? - [chuckles]
Uh, Frank, how are you?
I'm on the right side of the grass my man,
what's the haps?
No offense Frank, but how did you get in here?
This is a restricted access garage.
Well, I still have my Jensen parking pass,
and I have an interview today up on 16 with, uh, Gretina.
Gretina's not on 16 anymore, Frank.
What floor are they on?
[Tyler] They moved to Seattle.
[laughs] Well, don't remind me,
'cause I'm dying for a Starbucks,
but the meeting is on Skype.
I'm gonna Skype to uh, Seattle.
Oh, don't, don't.
Don't Tyler, don't give me that look.
I know that look. Please.
Everything's fine. Everything with us is okay.
Oh, honey,
you remember Tyler Rector from Jensen Med?
Baby, can you hear me?
[indistinct yelling]
How can I help?
[Frank] So that's the long and short.
But the, uh, silver lining is that at least for now,
uh, we don't have to worry about Rachel's college.
But, we're homeless.
Wow, that's, uh, that's quite a story.
So all this started with one mistake?
[Nancy] With a bunch of smaller ones shooting off it.
Kind of like when a spider egg pops,
and all these little spiders
come and bite you in the ass.
Are you gonna eat that?
Mm. No, please.
Thank you.
Listen, guys.
I know someone. His name's Randall.
Let me give him a call, Frank. He might have something for you.
It'd be a start.
[Frank] Tyler, that would be great.
And we also still have Wayne's check.
We can always, uh, cash that.
Frank, if you cash that check, then it's no longer one mistake.
It becomes a pattern.
[Nancy] Exactly.
That's what I've been trying to tell him.
But, Tyler, desperation is a bitch.
Thank you so much
for everything that you've done to help us.
So, you guys have your work cut out for you.
Just remember, grass can grow through concrete.
Did he say your ass can grow through...
No, no, no. No, no, look, the phrase is,
"Grass can grow through concrete."
Can I give you that, please? Do you mind if I?
Thank you.
[upbeat music]
[Nancy] Nancy, you're gonna be all right.
- [screams] - [tires screech]
[sighs]
Don't panic, Nancy.
You're gonna take a hot bath.
You're gonna get fresh clothes,
you're gonna do your hair and makeup.
You're three minutes from being yourself.
- [tires screech] - [Nancy] What the fuck?
Uh, thank you for taking this lunch,
- I know you're busy. - [Randall] No, of course.
Tyler called me,
told me a little bit about your background.
Well, I hope he exaggerated in all the right places.
- [laughs] - [cell phone ringing]
- That's my wife, I'm sorry. - [cell phone beeps]
- Hi, honey. - Damn it, Frank. We're cursed.
I am at Nigel's house, and everything is gone.
[Nancy] They took my purse, my phone, Nigel's furniture.
That guy Wayne was all wrong, and we knew it.
Oh, fuck it, they stole everything!
I see, uh... That's, uh, yes.
[stutters] That's great.
Thanks for calling, and we'll celebrate later, okay?
- I'll see you. Bye. - [Nancy] No, don't hang up.
Don't hang up!
- You okay? - Uh, yeah, it's all good.
My wife just got an article published in, um...
Omni magazine.
Great.
Omni must be feeling good too. Be back up and running.
I'm sorry?
They folded about two decades ago.
Wow. [laughs]
Man plans and God laughs, right? I mean...
Everybody's got a plan until you get...
punched in the face.
Jesus. Sorry, uh, Frank.
Uh, I'm sorry. I...
No, no. I'm Frank, you're...
- Randall. - [Randall] Randall.
Right. Uh, I'm sorry.
Uh, can we start over again?
Sure.
Hi, I'm Frank.
[foreboding music]
[clacking]
[keys jingle]
[clacking]
[grunts] For god's sake!
Carl, I just need to get a few things.
[sighs]
- [banging] - [Nancy grunting]
[crashes]
[Nancy whimpers]
[grunts]
[groans] Oh, my god.
You come in my house, you come in my house.
You like that? You like that, bitch?
[screaming]
[Carl] Is that Nancy? Ah!
I'm sorry, my gosh, did you change your hair?
[club dance music]
[Carl] I'm so sorry about the pepper spray,
I thought you were an intruder.
Not that you look like an intruder.
I'm against profiling,
not that I necessarily would want sushi from a redhead,
I prefer an Asian child, if you know what I mean.
Why didn't my key work?
I had the locks changed.
[Nancy] You what?
You can't change our locks.
- Carl? - Oh, uh, um...
This is not your house, Carl.
Um, I... Look...
[Nancy] What are you wearing?
What, this?
You know what, I, uh, I got you guys a key.
Um.
- Uh, there you go. - [jingling]
What the...
[Carl] The wood's so you don't misplace it.
[Nancy] Carl.
This is not a gas station.
What is wrong with you?
You know, whatever.
I just need to get some stuff from my closet.
Your closet?
What... what is this?
- I mean, what is this? - [clanking]
Where's my stuff?
What have you done with my closet?
I made it into a panic room.
You can't do that, Carl.
Remember, this is not your house.
Did you ever see the Jody Foster movie?
And please put a shirt on.
[stammers] I've been really nervous lately.
Uh, people have been ringing the doorbell all day
asking about the yard sale and, uh,
and then I was really scared when I saw the...
the video on the internet of you and Frank
being kidnapped with a shotgun.
There's a video on the internet?
Nancy, you're the best part of it.
You came across really real.
I was real, you dumb fuck.
[lock clicks and beeps]
Uh, we're locked in.
Did you say,
"catalytic converters"?
Frank, I know it's not a sexy business,
but catalytic converters are like mini treasure chests.
We snip them off the cars,
smelt them down and sell off the expensive metals.
Palladium, rhodium, platinum.
Most cases, cat cons are worth more
than the junk cars themselves.
[chuckles]
You mean I would crawl underneath the car
and snip them?
That's... that's the job?
[clicks tongue]
Listen, Frank. I'm gonna be honest.
I could use the extra hand but I don't need the extra hand.
Tyler told me you needed a leg up,
this is what I got.
- [Nancy grunting] - I'm really glad you're here.
Me gusta.
- [shrieks] - [groans]
[groans] Oh, jeez. That was...
[grunts]
That was...
If you ever try anything like that again,
I am gonna kick your ass
up and down this panic room like an air hockey puck!
- Oh, okay. - [sighs]
[groans]
[laughs]
Thank you, Virgincita de Guadalupe
for making Carl such a breathtaking moron.
You forgot about the attic hatch,
Einstein.
Uh. Hey, I... I'm sorry about the...
misunderstanding.
I guess I misread your signals.
What signals?
God, your legs are so strong.
I guess it's from running track, huh?
I saw your medals.
How did you find my medals?
They were hidden in the garage.
[Carl] Yeah, way back there.
And you should really hide them better.
But you were the fastest on the team,
but what I don't understand is,
in the relay, why did you run fourth?
Shouldn't the fastest runner go first?
Maybe you weren't the fastest.
I was the fastest.
That's not the way it works.
When you're the fastest, you...
Oh, what am I doing, why am I talking to you?
Please help me out.
Uh, the bottom line is, I'm interested.
And, uh, I... I work hard,
and I take any job I do, uh, very seriously.
Okay.
Here comes the cold water. [inhales deeply]
We can only offer you
about a third of what you were making.
Tyler told me your ballpark salary.
You did very, very well.
A third?
Listen, I wish it was different.
I used to make high-end five figures
over at Brent Talbot, then the fan hit the shit.
Now, I got a sales staff of guys longing for the days
of Hugo Boss suits
and paychecks with commas in them.
Frank, you think I like crawling around in the dirt
snipping smoke sacks?
[scoffs] Shit.
Some days I look at one of those cat cons and think...
I'll just wrap my lips around it,
take a deep breath, go meet some dead relatives.
How old are you?
- Sixty-five? - [laughs]
Sixty-six?
Anyways.
Guys your age, you gotta adapt or die.
That's the new America. Trust me.
I miss the old one, brother.
[clicks tongue] Uh, will you excuse me?
I... I'm...
fairly positive I need to use the bathroom.
[Nancy] Get your hands off my ass.
You said push.
[Nancy] I said push, not fondle.
Watch the thumb.
[stutters] Do you do squats?
It feels like you do squats.
[Carl groans]
- [Nancy grunts] - [Carl] You made it.
Now, lift me up.
[grunts] I get claustrophobic.
No, no.
First you have to tell me what you did.
And no lies, no bullshit.
You have to tell me, or I'll leave you there.
You'll rot.
And I'll just come and sprinkle some lime
just to mask the smell.
I... [sighs]
You...
you might not understand.
True.
It's a roll of the dice.
[sighs]
I was swimming in the ocean,
I was in the water for a couple hours.
I...
I had to pee, I took off my shorts,
then I felt something brush against my leg.
I knew it was a shark. I knew in that moment,
and I know it to this day it was a shark, and...
[sighs]
I started swimming to shore,
trying not to panic.
I saw that there were some kids
swimming there and...
So I was carrying three of them,
trudging and tripping and yelling for help.
The kids were screaming,
I thought they had seen the shark.
They hadn't, they, um...
they were frightened of me, a naked guy.
Yeah. My life...
[laughs]
[sighs] ...got pretty hard after that.
It's true, isn't it?
Yeah.
It is.
You say all these
crazy stupid things.
But when you suddenly say something without bullshit,
now I know it's true and good.
But just in case, I'm gonna leave you there
until after I take my shower.
Oh, you know what, there's some, uh...
shampoo in my purse on the kitchen counter.
Oh, I... I refilled your birth control pills.
You were running low.
Ha!
[truck horn blows]
No, no, no.
No! No! No!
[upbeat music]
[muffled screams]
[man 1] All you perverts out there watching,
this might happen to you.
[gunshots]
You might die!
What the?
Holy shit, it's him. The guy from the video!
- No, this is a mistake. - [gunshot]
[man 2] Die!
Dude, you're like the number one trending pervert
on the internet right now.
My god, why is this happening?
[upbeat music]
- [tires screech] - [horn honks]
- [Frank] Stop! - [banging on truck]
Stop the truck, Wayne.
Shit, you again?
You have my furniture.
Oh, it's not yours, that house wasn't yours,
and the furniture definitely wasn't yours.
Pull over, Wayne, I need that furniture.
You know what you gonna need?
You're have a need to go to a fucking hospital,
that's what you're gonna need.
I'm gonna put you in jail, Wayne.
Oh, you don't have the balls to call the cops.
Fuckin', you suck at this crime stuff.
You know what I'm gonna do,
- Wayne? - Oh, you ain't gonna do shit.
I'm gonna throw a rock at you. I pitched in college.
Oh, you probably caught in college. Dickhead.
Oh, shit.
Argh! Son of a bitch.
[honking]
[Wayne grunts]
[groans]
- [Wayne] Shit! - [driver] Holy shit,
- are you okay? - What the fuck?
- You hit a fucking pedestrian! - [bike bell chimes]
- [thuds] - [both grunt]
[Wayne] What the fuck?
Sorry, Wayne.
[Wayne] Hey!
Frank!
Get back here, you asshole!
[clacking]
[winch whirring]
- What fresh hell is this? - [car honking]
[Nancy] Ay Dios mio! No, no, no, I didn't...
[gasps]
[panting]
[humming]
[foreboding music]
[Frank] Shit, shit. Now what?
[crows cawing]
- [Nancy] Frank! - [Frank] Shit!
[Nancy] Panic room, car gone.
Keep walking, cops.
I found Nigel's stuff, don't look over.
It's in the back of the truck. Don't look over.
[police 1] Excuse me.
Hi.
Are you Mr. Bathgate's neighbors?
[Frank] Yes, officer.
Yeah, we got a report of a burglary at his house,
uh, suspicious activity.
Have you seen anything?
A burglary? What, at Nigel's house?
Good sweet Christ,
what is happening to our sweet little neighborhood?
- Uh, are you okay sir? - [Frank] No.
I'm devastated beyond reason.
Sweet Christ.
[Frank] No, I wasn't into that.
[Nancy] Never?
[Frank] Not really.
Not even in a school play or anything?
No, I was never into drama.
I mean, sure, in the third grade I played a teacup.
Uh, why... [chuckles]
...all the questions about acting?
You think I came across as fake?
I think there's better acting every time Larry King says,
"Till death do us part."
[Frank] Well, that's very funny.
You wanna hear something else that's funny?
There's a video of us getting kidnapped on YouTube.
[Nancy] I know.
You don't know how many times I've fantasized
about getting rid of you for at least two months,
but now that I'm going toyail,
I... I'm gonna be devastated without you.
Wait, you're going back to college?
You know that when I say "yail" I mean prison.
[truck door closes]
[Frank] He lives in his mother's house.
And by that I mean his mother's garage.
I'm sure Jason's home, you know,
rubbing his mother's feet or something.
We know you're in there, Jason.
[rattling]
- [Nancy] Hi. - [Jason] Oh!
Hey, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Teagarten.
Is that I...
Actually, I wasn't hiding. Is, is everything okay?
Why wouldn't it be, Jason?
Well, it's just that you've never been to my house before
in like two years. And it's what, um, 10:00 p.m.
Actually, it isn't okay, and you can help.
Rachel's always saying that you're some kind of
computer genius.
Aw. She says I'm a computer genius?
That's very... that's very sweet.
I'm sure it was like a throwaway,
or like an aside, you know,
"He's a computer genius," you know, just like saying...
Oh, you know what, I bet it's 'cause she knows
it's on my dream boards to become a computer genius.
I'll bet that's where that came from.
Did she actually say that, or like in an e-mail,
or was it to... in person to you just...
Jason! This isn't about you.
We need your help with a video of me and Nancy.
Okay.
So you want...
me to make a video of you guys?
- Oh, get your mind - No.
out of the gutter.
Good lord, Jason, you take the cake.
It's so much more fucked up than that.
[gunshots]
- Look at this. - [man 1] You might die!
This is insane. When did this happen?
It feels like in another lifetime.
Yet also like Tuesday.
Okay, well, we have to call the police.
No! No police.
It was a misunderstanding but everything's okay now.
It was a hiccup.
A hiccup? You being kidnapped?
A hiccup. It was a hiccup.
A hiccup. You don't call 911
every time you have the hiccups do you, no.
I mean, maybe you do, but I don't.
Listen, Jason.
We don't want Rachel to see this.
- [Jason] Mm-hm. - She would only worry.
That's why we must take this down.
[Jason] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shouldn't be a problem.
Although, these guys should be punished though,
'cause they cannot do that. We'd... Especially to you guys.
- I mean... - [computer chimes]
Oh, my god, okay, that's actually
Rachel Skyping me now.
We're not here. She'll know there's something wrong.
We, we would only be here with you if we were desperate.
No, no, I wanna see her little face,
even if it's for just a second.
We can hide, she won't know we're here,
please, please, please.
- All right, go ahead. - [Jason] Really? Okay.
- [button clicks] - [computer chimes]
Yo! Hey, Rach. What's up?
I can only talk for a few minutes.
Jessie is a great roommate,
but she's throwing her third party
in four days, and she's...
Jason?
Are you okay?
What? I'm fine. That's...
How about you?
[sighs] Well, actually,
I'm a little worried.
My mom called, and I tried calling her back,
and she's not picking up.
Oh, uh, that's, you know.
It's... It's her... 'Cause her phone,
it's, um, her phone is broken.
[Rachel] You saw her?
Yeah. Oh, they had a yard sale yesterday, so.
- [Rachel] A yard sale? - No, that's..
I'm sorry, "yard sale," what is...
No, they were... 'cause they were in the yard,
so I ran into them cause I took a shortcut,
um, to... to... to go work at Staples,
where I am the assistant manager.
[Rachel] This is weird.
Mom always calls me right back. This isn't like her.
Well, it's...
Could be 'cause she's... she's singing and dancing,
and, and also blowing someone.
[stammers] Uh, her birthday.
Isn't it her birthday pretty soon?
Oh, of course, poor Mom.
Jason,
I should surprise her.
I'll come home for her birthday, she'll love that.
Yeah, yeah, they both would. Yeah, they would both love that.
For sure. You should come on down.
I'll try Dad, he'll love it.
I'll get tulips. Tulips are her favorite flowers,
and I'll invite all her sisters, and everyone will be there
- and everyone will be... - [cell phone ringing]
That's funny, do you hear that?
It's my dad's ringtone.
[cell phone ringing]
Yeah, okay, you know what, Rachel?
I really... I gotta tell you something.
- Actually, your parent... - [thuds]
[electricity powers down]
[Frank] Jason, you really are a little quisling.
You know that?
[Jason] Okay, he...
- he was from Norway. - [Nancy sighs]
I felt terrible lying to Rachel.
I understand,
because you never know when the lies are going to stop.
But they just keep coming.
Pushing you out of the way.
Taking over your life completely.
[sighs] What a beautiful street.
Do you have raccoons?
Yeah, sporadically. [chuckles]
I love them.
Is that your guy's moving truck?
No. Well, yes.
We're just trying to sell a few things.
Sell from the back of a truck? [chuckles]
Uh, we're trying to, uh, finish off our yard sale.
For the truck and the computer,
using that, uh, Skype thing. Anyhow...
So, you mean like a virtual yard sale?
That's... Wow.
Did you come up with that idea, Mr. Teagarten?
What? Uh, yeah, sure. Anyway, thanks for your help...
That's genius! Do you see the potential?
Not one iota. We gotta run now.
Uh, wait, Mr. and Mrs. Teagarten, there's...
I think there's something I need to show you.
For the love of Christ, Jason! What is it?
[somber music]
[Jason] So the park was actually built in the '50s.
It's, uh, kind of fell on hard times,
was vacant for a while.
So some friends and I, we pooled our money
and bought it,
and we spent the last two years just fixing it up.
[Nancy] Jason, this is amazing.
[Jason] Thank you.
[clacking]
This is what I wanted to show you.
All of our trailer homes have a storage space,
'cause people are downsizing from like, 3,500 square feet.
These days, I guess it's like that everywhere.
So this is where your virtual yard sale comes in.
You can upload streaming video
and people can browse it, like in real time.
So you've got almost a live yard sale,
but you're bidding, like eBay online.
So you call it something like, YardBay.
[chuckles]
I'm sure you've thought all this through, but, um,
you know, I'd love to help, I... [stutters]
I could computer code it all for you.
[cell phone ringing]
- Hello? - [indistinct dialogue]
[in Japanese accent] No, Mr. Teagarten no here.
You have to call back a later.
[indistinct dialogue]
Oh, he in the shower now
washing his body with the shampoo and honey.
He have a shingles.
[indistinct dialogue]
[clears throat]
That was an old fraternity buddy of mine.
Clyde Drexler. [sniffles]
I mean, he's a fan of Clyde Drexler.
- Mm-hm. - The Trailblazers.
Um, anyway, uh.
Thanks for the tour, Jason. This was impressive.
Mobile homes and crap.
I'm sorry. That sounded patronizing.
- [Frank] Food for thought. - Yeah.
Uh, thanks for your help with the video.
Anytime.
[clacking]
[thuds]
Boy, Jason sure can talk. [Frank chuckles]
Okay, I better call Randall
and tell him I'll take that catalytic converter job.
[Nancy grunts]
[Nancy] Okay, I'm gonna... I'm gonna go get a Baby Ruth.
- [door opens] - A Baby Ruth?
[car approaching]
Shit.
[car door opens]
[Frank] Excuse me.
Hey, I'm sorry to bother you.
I... You have any change, or better yet,
do you mind if I use your cell phone?
It's kind of an emergency.
[Nancy] A Baby Ruth candy bar.
[cashier] Oh, Baby Ruth.
I thought you said Zagnut.
- [Nancy] Do you have one? - [cashier] Uh...
Yeah, let me check in the back.
[Nancy] I'll take two if you have 'em.
Buddy, cool off. [stammers]
I'm not trying to cause any problems here.
You act like you got
50 kilos back there or something.
[Nancy] Oh, by the way, how much are...
What? What the?
Frank! Frank! Frank!
[door opens]
[door closes]
[cashier] Hey! I found the king size, is that okay?
[Nancy screams]
[speaking Spanish]
[cashier] Hello?
The king size, okay?
[Nancy yells]
You try that again, motherfucker?
I'm gonna bust your fucking head open.
[siren wailing]
[police 1] Everybody put your hands where I can see 'em!
- [police 2] Down in the ground! - [police 3] On the ground!
[police 1] Get on the ground now!
[overlapping dialogue]
[helicopter whirring]
[dogs barking]
[sirens wailing]
[police 1] Whoo! Jackpot.
[foreboding music]
[sighs]
Turns out it was 120 kilos.
Teagarten. Frank Teagarten.
[clacks]
FBI wants to talk to you. Come on.
The FBI wants to talk to me? Why?
They think you're good lookin'. Come on.
[sighs]
Not you.
- [thud] - [police 4] Let's go.
[keys jingle]
Are you okay?
It seems to me you're as scared as I am.
Oh, I'm not scared for myself.
For my daughter.
We're done talkin'.
I have a daughter, too.
Our biggest fear in life was to disappoint her.
I'm so ashamed and...
and worried...
Don't be bitching to me about your rich life,
your spoiled brat daughter.
You know, you're gonna be out of here in a minute,
and she'll have her mommy back.
But now, thanks to you,
I'm stuck in here for god knows how long.
Yeah. I will get out,
but I will still be a good-for-nothing fuck up.
And that might not mean a lot to you,
since it looks like you've been a fuck up for a while,
but we only fucked up for one week.
One week, is all it took for us to...
ruin her life.
She's only 19,
- and... and now she's... - Are you kidding me?
[Shope] Your daughter's 19.
She's supposed to be taking care of herself.
My Rose...
she's only seven.
And now...
she's all alone in the world.
She's got nobody.
[sniffles]
Woman...
you have no idea what shame is.
[Nancy] Shit.
You win.
[sirens wailing]
[Milhouse] Hey, Frank.
I'm Special Agent Milhouse.
This is Special Agent Barnes.
- [Barnes] Weird night, huh? God. - [Milhouse] Yeah.
A 120 kilos of Norteno Cocaine.
- A hell of a bust. - Yeah.
You know that we had nothing to do with this, right?
[Milhouse] Oh!
So you think that we just send out
our whole field office just for fun?
This is what we know.
We've been tailing Shope for three days,
since he entered the United States.
Next thing we know, the three of you
are in a Kwik-E-Mart parking lot free for all.
So I think we've got a problem here, don't you?
Frank, if you wanna get out of here tonight,
you've gotta convince us,
you're not some big, rich drug lord.
Like, for real.
[cell phone ringing]
[Frank in Japanese accent] Hello? Mr. Teagarten no home.
His phone went through a snow blower,
and he chop his head right off.
[light music]
[Frank] I guess owing 300 bucks to MasterCard
helped convince them, we aren't Mr. and Mrs. El Chapo.
[Nancy] I can't help thinking about that little girl.
[Frank] Nancy, what are you gonna do?
Have her come live with us
in this fucking Perri Winkle truck?
[lighter clinks]
[Frank] God, this day sucked.
Carl.
He found my medals.
- How did he find them? - He's a sneaky motherfucker.
But those medals
made me remember that I used to win.
I used to have an edge.
This week, I've cried more than I have ever cried before.
And for things that I would have never cried about
in the old days.
It's like I've become this person...
I don't know, and I don't like.
Where is this headed?
[sighs]
- We need to talk to Dan. - Why? And beg for money?
That's not getting your edge back.
That's surrendering, not winning.
Guys like Dan, they take advantage of weakness.
I'll figure it out.
I think.
I bet Rachel used to take one of those buses to school.
Long ago.
Back in the time when she used to look up to me
like I was Superman.
[sobs]
Oh, Frank.
[Frank sniffles]
You crying?
You were crying.
- What a pussy. - [Frank] No, I'm not crying.
But if I was, it's because...
Good god.
It's because the two of you reek.
Fuck you.
Hey, you got ten bucks? For gas?
Wow, what timing you have, bum.
No. Actually, we don't have ten bucks for gas.
Liar. That's some high-end furniture
you got there, you rich asshole.
Rich? You have completely misread our situation, my man.
Oh, whoa, whoa. I'm not your man.
He's not your man, fish face.
[laughs]
I don't think anybody's ever called me fish face before.
- Good. - You believe this pile
of fish face, calling me "his man"?
I'm not your man, so, fuck you.
No, no. It's, uh...
it's more like fuck you.
I'm sorry, you're not understanding what we're saying.
Fuck you.
- What's your name? - Will.
[Frank] What's your name?
Colin.
Will, Colin...
fuck you.
[rattling]
[Colin] Fish face.
[Nancy] So, how long do we sit here for?
- [clanking] - [Frank] I'm not sure.
Hey!
What are you doing out there?
[rattling]
So, what do we got here?
- Where's the other bum? - [Colin] Maui.
- I could buy a couple of things. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You think this is some kind of a store?
What else would you be doing here?
Well, actually, it's kind of a incredible story.
- Nancy! - [Colin] How much for the paint?
Spray paint, I'd like to huff it.
[Frank] You wanna huff it?
You wanna huff the can of spray paint?
You're like the worst bum ever.
What is it, a pageant?
[Frank] And you came in last.
- Okay, five bucks. - Five bucks?
For a can of paint?
That's what I said. Five bucks, yes or no.
There's a line forming behind you.
Ah! I made you look,
- you fucking idiot. - [both laughing]
- Fuck off. - [liquid trickling]
Stop lookin' at me!
Get away from the gas tank, bum.
Fuck you!
[explosion]
[Will screaming]
[screams]
Stop and drop!
[Will shrieks]
- [Will] Why is this happening? - You're on fire!
Frank! Get this man an extinguisher!
- [Frank grunts] - [Will screams]
You're just gonna stand there?
He's on fire!
[Will] I don't need this shit in my life!
[Nancy screaming in Spanish]
[Will groaning]
[Wil] Oh, yeah.
Lie on me.
Yeah, get on me, girl.
Uh, yeah. Grind me out like a cigarette.
Oh! Yeah. Let me... Let me return the favor.
- I'm anything but a gentleman. - [Nancy] Are you kidding?
[extinguisher hisses]
That's my wife, bum.
[hissing]
[Nancy and Will coughing]
- She got on me, dude! - [Nancy coughs]
- [Colin] Hey! - [Will coughs]
Bum, put those lamps back.
- So, that's the basic concept. - Mm.
Sounds like a good idea. What, you're calling it, uh,
- YardBay? - YardBay.
Great name for a great idea.
Well, it's Frank's idea.
You hear that, bums?
The great idea was my idea.
Shovel swinging in your face would be a good idea.
[all laughing]
He already did that.
While smoking a spider.
[all laughing]
[Will] Oh, I believe it.
'Cause he's a huge dumbass.
Look at his fat fish face.
[Will laughs]
Frank is a banana split of shit.
I don't like that.
I hate to say it, but Frank is right
about one thing.
You got a good idea.
Okay?
But you gotta go in strong when you're dealing with rich people.
- Otherwise, they'll prey on you. - [metal clanks]
- [Will] I would know that... - [liquid trickling]
- ...because I used to be... - [lighter clicks]
- ...one of those people. - [explosion]
[Colin screams]
[Colin] Put me out, fish face!
[screams]
- [screaming continues] - [extinguisher hissing]
[Colin] All right, I'm out. I'm out.
- You okay? - Yeah.
What happened?
Oh. Cigarette.
Ah, yeah. Same thing happened to me.
- Feel stupid. - Yeah.
All right, well, goodbye, Frank.
Hope a train falls on your face.
[laughs]
Go siphon some gas and smoke a cigarette, bum.
Touché.
[Will] You sure you're all right?
- [Colin] Yeah. - [Will] I did the same thing,
and next thing you know, the flames just jump on you.
[Colin] You think it's the cigarette, or...
[Will] Fifty-fifty chance.
They were sweet.
Colin and Will.
Fuck them.
[lively music]
[whirring]
[Rachel] Why is there furniture on the lawn?
[Jessie] Maybe they were partying.
[Rachel] They're not like that, Jessie.
[car door closes]
You coming inside?
I wanna start setting up for the surprise.
Um, yeah, in a minute.
I, I got the spins,
I'm just gonna go back to bed for a little bit.
- Okay. - [car door closes]
[clacking]
[Rachel] That's weird.
[Carl] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey. If you're here for the yard sale,
it's in the yard.
- Who are you? - [Carl] Who am I?
I'm a guy holding pepper spray.
Twelve ounces...
Three ounces of pepper spray at your eyes.
All right? Who are you?
I'm Rachel. I live here.
Oh, my god.
- Rachel? - [Rachel] Yeah.
Oh, I've heard so much about you.
[laughs]
I'm Carl.
Carl,
I think you're gonna need to explain to me what's going on.
[rattling]
Oh!
Baby, I think I figured something out,
and we're gonna call it,
"The Carl."
Feeling good?
If good means nervous.
[Frank] A Baby Ruth?
[Nancy] Sometimes a Baby Ruth is just a candy bar.
The tournament is canceled but I'm sure Dan is still here.
[Nancy] This has to work.
[Frank] You heard what those bums said,
we have to make these rich guys wanna give us money.
Make 'em need to give it to us.
It's fourth in goal, no time on the clock,
you got the ball, and I'll just follow your lead.
[truck door opens]
Keep it close.
[keys jingle]
Oh no, that's not...
"fuck you."
- That's... - [truck door closes]
...somebody else.
Can you wash it?
That's fine.
I have to go to the locker room to clean up,
and put on my secret weapon.
- Meet you at the golf carts. - Okay.
[Rachel] Okay, well then,
where did they go after that?
[scoffs] I don't know.
I mean, it seems to change every 16 minutes.
Frankly, I'm worried.
And your mother, I mean,
maybe you know her better than me,
but she seems a little unhinged.
But the point is,
I think your surprise birthday party
is a wonderful idea.
Have you ever seen The Wedding Planner?
- [Rachel] Mm. - With J-Lo?
Uh, that's short for Jennifer Lopez.
Anyway, I love J-Lo,
and not just because she's a fellow Latina.
I love her for her dancing.
I love her for her singing.
I love her for her acting.
But I never liked her perfume.
It was gross.
Carl... [chuckles]
I don't think we're gonna have a party.
I need to call my Aunt Betty...
[Jessie] Okay.
I need, like, 12 billion aspirin
and one ounce... [mumbles]
[whispers] Oh, my god!
who is this hunk of stud hunk, oh...
Jessie, this is Carl.
He's...
I guess, staying with us.
[Jessie] Hi.
- I'm Jessie. - Hi.
Nice to meet you.
[stammers] Did you just
call me a "hunk of stud"?
If I was a shark, man,
I would just...
[hisses] ...chomp into you
like a little baby seal.
Please, God.
Don't let this be a fucking dream.
[coughing]
[laughs, coughs]
Hey, Andy.
Danny boy.
[Nancy laughs]
Mm.
Look at that, there's Nancy at the bar.
Ooh.
[Nancy] Salut.
Fancy Nancy.
- Hey, guys. - [all] Oh!
- Hi! - Hey, Frank.
- Yeah, she's having a few. - [Nancy laughs]
Right now, she couldn't see the hole in a ladder.
[all laugh]
We're both celebrating some good news.
Oh, yeah? What good news is that?
Some Silicon Valley news.
- Oh? - Ooh.
Hi, guys!
Oh, bummer!
They canceled your game.
[Dan] I know, I know.
- White balls, white snow... - Well, white balls
are better than blue.
- [all laugh] - You ever run track?
- Ever run track? Ever run track? - Mm-hm. Two.
[Dan chuckles] You mean with our feet?
That's why they have golf carts...
[Nancy] Hey, stop right there, baby.
I need you to pay attention and to focus,
because I'm about to organize you.
Uh, baby can we talk for a second.
No.
[Frank] No. Honey, I think...
I talk to you all the time, I'm sick of talking to you.
I wanna talk to them. Stop trying to control me.
Enjoy the moment, fellas.
Well,
I used to run four-person relays,
and this is how it works.
The second fastest runner
usually starts the race.
That fucker needs to get a good lead.
- Andy, smart, hard worker. - Mm-hm.
You've earned your money.
Yes.
So, I am going to make you...
- [Andy grunts] - ...the first runner.
- [Andy chuckles] - Come with me.
[chuckles]
The second runner needs to be solid,
and dependable.
That's you, Steve.
You've done well in Wall Street,
but you've never done anything...
- flashy. - [all laugh]
- [Nancy] I am so sorry, Rob, - Huh?
but the slowest runner always runs third.
I know that you're rich,
but it's family money, baby.
You need to be hungry.
Maybe today,
shock us, baby, please.
[Rob clears throat]
And you, my Danny boy.
- You're fourth. - I'm never fourth.
But the fourth runner it's always the fastest runner.
Ahh.
He's also the smartest runner.
Because he knows what it takes to win.
Either dig deep to make up for the lost time,
or run just fast enough to hold the lead.
I was always the fourth runner.
Because I was very, very good.
So, let's stretch.
Warm up.
And assume the position.
Okay, now I like this part.
[laughs] Isn't she something?
Stand up, baby.
So now what, we actually run?
Yes, and Frank is going to tell you
- what's at the finish line. - No. no, baby.
We have no more room for investors...
- [Andy] Come on, Frank. - [Nancy] Please, please, Frank.
I mean, you cannot trust those millionaires
from Silicon Valley.
Silicon is fake,
like the fake silicon boobs.
They're fake millionaires, they're nouveau rich!
It's just a pitch, it's a pitch.
- Now you have to tell him about - Ah, give it up.
- the pig. - Give it up. Say the pitch.
- Come on. - Tell them about the pig.
- The pig! - [Frank] All right, all right.
All right, all right.
Okay.
You know the phrase,
"Burn down the house to cook the pig"?
You don't have a lot of house left
but you have a lot of cooked pig?
All the bankruptcy filings in this country.
Right now, people have lost everything.
They gambled and they got wiped out.
Have I got your attention?
[foreboding music]
We...
help them sell the barbecued pork.
People browse yard sales from home.
It's called YardBay.
Yeah, baby.
I like it.
Let's talk.
[Nancy] And the winner is...
Dan!
[Frank laughing] My wife is so fucking drunk.
[Nancy] Your acting was brilliant.
[Frank] Well, I couldn't have gotten home
if you didn't put me on third, baby.
[whispers] I feel great.
Oh, it really was, wasn't it?
[Nancy] I just did a "Carl."
My crazy made you look good, and now they want YardBay!
[Frank] I'm gonna call Jason. I need to have something
to show Dan over lunch tomorrow.
[Nancy] Yes!
[Nancy] Oh, Frank, is it over?
Are we finally out of this shitstorm?
I don't know how, but I think we did it, didn't we?
[Frank] Who said you can't unring a bell?
Mom, Dad...
Rachel.
[stammers] I'm with...
And I see you've met Carl.
Nancy, I've been so worried.
Carl told me everything.
I've tried piecing it together, but...
[stutters]
I don't know.
I called Aunt Betty.
She's on her way here.
Great.
- [cell phone ringing] - Honey, it's Nigel.
- Yes. - [Nancy] No.
Nige.
I'm sorry, did you just call me "Nige"?
[Frank] Uh, it's possible.
I knew a guy named "Adolf Dick" once,
- that's a tough name, isn't it? - [Nigel] Listen.
I just had an amazing conversation
with the police.
Who informed me that my house has been burglarized!
I am about to board this flight,
and come home and start ripping some new assholes.
- All right? - [Frank] No, no.
They caught the culprit, everything's back in the house.
It's all good in the hood, Nigel.
Oh.
Oh, the police found him? They didn't let me know that.
[Nigel] All right, listen. I want the perpetrators.
I want them prosecuted.
And I want them sent to jail, okay?
[Frank] No, no, Nigel.
The thief was hit by a car and a bike and a rock.
[Frank] Isn't that punishment enough?
You know, even 5,000 miles away, I can still smell the bullshit.
I'm getting on this plane.
Or, I could go take a picture of your living room
and send it to you.
And you could see how it's pristine.
[man speaking indistinctly on PA]
Yeah. Send it.
[groans]
[indistinct chatter]
Rachel, I understand that you must be mad.
Mom, I'm mad that you didn't trust me enough
to tell me what was going on.
And also...
I'm mad that I missed out on seeing
my amazing parents in action.
I wish I could've been there...
because I'll never stop learning from you, guys.
Rachel.
[car approaching]
Go upstairs to my closet. It's now a panic room.
Hey, pervert.
What did we tell you about coming back here?
[yelps]
[tray clinks]
Where's the main deviant?
[Rachel] Jason?
Don't worry, Rach.
- I got this. - [Nancy] No, Jason.
Don't mess with these guys.
Frank, we have a problema!
No, no, no.
Nobody speaks to Mrs. Teagarten like that. Huh.
[man 1] What you got there, ironsides?
- A cap gun? - Tasers.
I carry rent money.
[horn honks]
[tires screeching]
[car door opens]
Holy shit! Those are police tasers.
Oh, I want that fucker.
- Be prepared to meet your... - Give me one.
Hey, kids. What are you guys doing here?
All right, I'm just right in the middle
of something super important.
[Tristan] We really don't fucking care.
[Trey] Back off, you stupid fuck.
- [Tristan] Fight me! - Who are you kids?
Please leave me be...
- Suck a fat one! - My girlfriend is watching!
- Fucking pussy! - Take the tasers.
You wore me down.
Oh, shit.
- Who are you? - I'm plumber.
- [thwacks] - [both grunt]
Ready for some shock and awe, fuckers?
[Trey] Amen.
- [stun gun crackling] - [groaning]
[Trey] Kneel before your god.
You guys are wonderful children. Both of you.
- All right, guys. - [both squealing]
All right, we're good.
Dad, for once, we're having fucking fun in our lives,
because you never gave us a good childhood,
so can you just like, let us have fun?
[both groaning]
Pfft.
- [stun gun crackling] - [screaming]
[groaning]
Nice.
- All right. - Ay, mi amor.
- We're done. - That was amazing.
Thanks, baby.
Okay, I understand the impulse.
But let's have no more of this vigilante justice, okay?
We have to have law and order. Believe me, I would know.
[car engine revving]
[tires screeching]
All right, listen up.
We've got two minutes. Everything inside.
Sir, you really need to board.
Yeah, all right, all right, all right.
All right, uh,
pull my bags off the plane, I'm going to Nepal.
You can't be serious.
Yeah, hurry up. Come on, lady! Let's go.
Pull the trigger on my bags.
Uh...
Airport security to Gate B31.
Wait, why? 'Cause I called you "lady"?
You said the word "trigger."
It's not a great word around here, these days.
Oh, you called the pigs, you fucking stupid...
Oh, you...
That... He is a lady, that's his...
Oh, fuck!
- [ice rattles] - [glass clinks]
- [cork pops] - [trickling]
[lively music]
[lively music continues]
[car door opens]
[woman] Good luck.
[Nancy] Bye.
[Nancy] Oh, Frank.
[Frank] So, I can't talk you out of this, right?
No, honey, you can't.
Good. More than good.
[airplane engine whirring]
[light music]
[Nancy] Is this Rose?
Hi Rose, I am Nancy.
Where's my daddy?
Your daddy couldn't come.
But he sent me to get you,
and you're going to see him really, really soon.
Meanwhile,
I'm gonna be taking care of you. Is that all right?
Is he in jail? Sometimes he goes to jail.
You shouldn't worry about that, you must be so tired.
And what about hungry, are you hungry?
Thank you very much.
You're so brave that you came all that way.
- Were you scared? - A little.
[uplifting music]
[indistinct chatter]
[Trey] Turkey, turkey!
- [indistinct chatter] - [laughing]
[clinking]
O. Henry once said, that "Love and family
and country are nothing but shadows of words
when a man is starving."
Uh, and today, we are not starving.
Yeah. I'm glad you're all here.
[in sarcastic voice] "O. Henry once said,
that love and family and country
all together is..."
Uh...
You're right. I'm a douche.
[laughs] Yes!
You most certainly are a douche.
[all laugh]
And that is the first step towards recovery.
- Thank you. - [glass clinks]
Okay, okay, here we go.
I'm thankful that we got rid
of our stuck up, useless friends.
Our new ones are a little strange,
but they are true friends.
I am so thankful that I married the love of my life.
And that I know my Frank and I can overcome anything,
as long as we are together.
[mouths] I love you.
[Nancy] Rose, Rachel.
Thank god for Baby Ruths.
[all laughing]
Okay, who's hungry?
Me.
For my new friend.
[laughing]
♪ Welcome back You've been gone so long ♪
[Frank] Well, that's our story.
Frank and Nancy lived in Jason's trailer court
for a while.
And Frank took the job snipping catalytic converters.
He's pretty darn good at it.
They rented the house to Carl,
and they all worked night and day on YardBay.
Last time we checked, it was getting pretty darn huge.
And it all started when they got drunk.
And because they were drunk,
drunk with love for their daughter.
And like the saying goes,
"A drunk man's actions are a sober man's thoughts."
They were drunk parents.
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Welcome home ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Welcome home ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Welcome home ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
[lively music]
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