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(lively chatter)
(chatter continues)
(echoing laughter)
- (chime) - (automated voice) Till number one.
(machine whirs)
- (chime) - (automated voice) Till number one.
Good morning, sir, welcome to Waingel's Bank.
My name is Sheila. How can I help you?
(choral music plays)
(phone rings)
01632 960786?
- (man) You all right? - Yeah, all right. You?
- (man) Yeah, yeah. - Do you want me to get him?
- (man) Uh, yeah. - Vince! Vince! Telephone!
- (Vince) Is that Gwen? - No, your dad.
- All right? - (man) Don't ask. You?
(laughs) Yeah, you?
(choral music continues)
(Vince laughs in distance)
(synth music)
(footsteps)
- (Sheila) What are you doing? - Going round Dad's.
What about supper?
What supper? You didn't tell me anything?
Don't give me that! Of course you knew.
What else do I do every evening?
Just put it in the fridge. I can have it tomorrow.
Vince, you are pushing me to the edge, do you know that?
Eat your dinner, then you can go to your dad's.
- Leave it out, Mum. - Well, what are you going to eat?
Stacy's making a curry.
Who's Stacy?
His new bird.
He didn't tell you?
(front door shuts)
(tuts)
(camera clicks)
Oh! Freezing out there!
(Vince) I thought you'd be back at six.
Long queue in the post office.
You'd think it'd be empty after Christmas.
(Vince) Starving here!
Forgot already what you were banging on about last night?
Fridge dinners and all that?
Or have you gone off the idea of stale food...
Oh, sorry.
I didn't know you had company.
How's it going, Gwen?
- (Vince) She's modelling. - Pardon me, then.
I'm cooking for three then, am I?
- Gwen? Vince? Anyone? - Yes, please.
Have you offered her anything?
We only just started.
Gwen, would you like a drink?
Let's have a look.
(sighs)
Very good! He's made you look really lovely, Gwen.
I wish I had that talent.
(Gwen moans softly)
(Vince moans softly)
(Gwen moans softly)
(Vince moans softly)
(Gwen moans loudly)
(phone rings)
(Sheila on answerphone) You've reached 01632 960786.
I'm not in right now, but if you leave a message,
I'll get straight back to you.
(answerphone beeps)
(man) This is a message for Sheila. It's Adonis. Box number 1592.
I got your letter and your photo.
I've got a few other dates this week,
but give me a call and I'll see if I can slot you in.
My number is 01632 960322.
(strong accent) A purchase on a horizon,
a panoply of temptation.
Can a curious soul desist?
I'm just looking, thank you.
The hesitation in your voice soon to be an echo
in the recesses of the spheres of retail.
(hushed conversation)
Imagine, 60 percent vanished from this sensational garment.
In apprehensions lie the crevices of clarity.
(Sheila) Isn't it a little risqué?
A provocation. For what else must one wear?
I'm just going on a date.
A date? Well? And what kind of date? Food and drinks?
Food and drinks, yeah.
An embellishment of occasion, for instance,
but also the emphasis of comfort and pleasure.
Thus you will destroy two birds with a stone.
(shop assistant gasps)
Imagine, the dress is your image
and from me onto what you project through an illusion.
One sensation of mind, one fabric in recollection of touch.
(sighs)
But this is how I see your night romance.
I predict the fantasy.
Isn't it small? What size is this?
Thirty-six.
But I'm not a thirty-six.
In a number is only the equation of actuality.
Dimensions and proportions transcend the prisms of our measurements.
- You're not getting any more in? - (tuts)
(exhales)
There's a lucky man somewhere in the vista of this mysterious mirror.
May I ask his name?
His name's Adonis.
Adonis? I see him.
I like him.
And it's not clinging too tightly here?
Desist warning attention to the askew perception of self.
Lightest trivia and the local vectors of frivolity
are the topics Adonis will be discussing tonight.
I don't normally wear this kind of thing.
Darings eclipse the dark circumference of caution.
Be bold. Your date will compliment you.
(air escapes)
(capsule rattles through tubes)
Touch it.
Feel it here.
And may I interest you in other desired supposes in our exclusive boutique?
I'm fine for now, thank you.
Then I would like you to announce your locus of residence
followed by the numbers to your telephone.
Sheila Woolchapel,
16 Ferndale Road, Thames Valley-on-Thames.
01632 960786.
(hushed, echoing voices)
(abrupt silence)
(metallic clunk)
(air escapes)
Thank you.
The pleasure is all mine, Sheila Woolchapel.
Adonis will be waiting and he will compliment you.
- (chime) - (automated voice) Till number one.
(buzzer sounds)
(coins rattle)
(phone rings)
(assistant) Sheila Woolchapel,
16 Ferndale Road, Thames Valley-on-Thames.
Telephonic code:
zero and one and six and three and two and nine and six and zero
and seven and eight and six and stop.
(Gwen) Well, maybe I can actually, you know...
No, I'm not.
I'm off. Your dinner's in the fridge.
(Vince) What have you done to your hair?
Why?
Looks like the council cut it.
Thanks.
You're not dating, are you?
Why? Aren't I allowed to?
Bit soon?
(exhales) I didn't know there was a time limit.
I thought you wanted to get back with Dad.
That was a while ago, and obviously your dad had other ideas.
Oh, and tell that femme fatale of yours to get off the phone.
It's gonna cost me a fortune.
(Sheila on answerphone) You've reached 01632 960786.
I'm not in right now, but if you leave a message I'll get straight back to you.
(answerphone beeps)
(Adonis) It's Adonis again.
Amesos Greek restaurant, 7:30.
I'll be wearing a dark Donningtonio suit and carrying a rose.
I'm tall, slim, short back and sides.
If you don't find me, I'll find you.
Oh!
- (Adonis) Box number 1592? - (Sheila) Yeah.
- (Adonis) Did I scare you? - No, it's fine.
(Adonis) I've got some love vouchers that will give us ten percent off
as long as we share the same pudding.
Pudding? Sounds good. Join me.
(opens briefcase)
(rustling)
- As promised. - Oh, thank you.
- What? - You look different.
How?
Well, your hair.
Hair grows back.
(creaking)
- Do you know what you're having? - (Adonis) In a minute, OK?
The moussaka looks good.
(Sheila) So, you like dancing then?
Not tonight, I sprained my ankle.
God, I didn't mean tonight. Just in general. You like dancing?
Yeah.
It says in your lonely hearts advertisement that you like laughing.
Yeah.
What kind of things?
Funny things.
- What about cooking? - What is this, an exam?
(waiter) Friendly evenings, guests.
Welcome to Amesos. My name is Vlassis and you are?
Sheila Woolchapel.
Adonis Jackson.
(Vlassis) And may I take your lucky orders?
Madam?
Oh, there will be the tzatziki for the starter
and vegetable moussaka for the main.
Instantly, madam. You, sir?
Um... (clears throat) I will come back for your lucky order.
(Adonis munches noisily)
(sighs)
Vince? Vince? Get a move on. I'm desperate. Vince?
Sorry, I didn't know you were staying over.
(Gwen) Didn't Vince tell you?
Well, maybe I didn't hear.
I hope it's not a problem.
Of course not, no.
Nice night out?
Yes, thank you. Caught up with a friend.
Where's Vince? He didn't answer when I called him.
He must've knocked himself out.
It's always the way with him. As soon as he comes, he's out for the count.
Must be the pressure of those mock exams.
It should get better by February.
Did you get anything nice in the sales?
Not much. You?
I found a very tasteful pair of Carpathian stockings
from Dentley and Soper's. Seventy percent off.
Now that's what I call a bargain.
I'm sorry if I was too long in the shower.
I won't keep you waiting as I know you're desperate.
(metallic squeak)
(creaking)
(excited chatter)
(applause)
(sighs)
- (Vince) What are you doing? - You tell me.
- How did this end up in here? - (Vince) Eh?
The next time your girlfriend wants to try something on,
how about asking me first?
- (Vince) You got a screw loose? - Don't talk to me like that.
(Vince) Gwen wouldn't be seen dead in something like that.
- So how did it end up in there, then? - How would I know?
I don't like people going through my things, Vince.
- Touché! Neither do I. - Don't you touché me.
I've had enough of her making a mini-bar from my wine
and now helping herself to my wardrobe.
She's turning my house into a boudoir and I'm not having it.
It's becoming a bit disgusting if you must know.
Leave it out, Mum.
No, I'm not going to leave it out, young Vincent.
I'll say it again because nothing gets through your head.
To be frank, I find Gwen a bit disgusting.
And the sooner you take that on board, the better.
(echoing voices)
(echoing yell)
(Sheila) Hello.
(Sheila) I hope you didn't move without me.
Don't get paranoid, Mum.
Now where were we?
Your turn, Don Juan.
- Oh, my God, what's that? - What?
That looks nasty.
Just some sort of rash.
Ugh, I hope it isn't catchy.
Yeah, what is that? I saw it the other day.
I don't know. An allergy of some sort. Maybe the washing powder.
- You should get it looked at, Mum. - Don't scare me.
I'm not scaring you. Just get a cream and Bob's your uncle. For your sake.
(Gwen) My financial advisor had something similar.
Some kind of blood infection.
Ended up having to amputate her right arm.
- (Vince scoffs) Don't give me that. - Seriously!
The doctor kept sending her home saying it was some kind of allergy
and she ended up really ill.
But it's fine now.
She eventually learnt to write left-handed.
Beautiful handwriting too.
Your turn.
(dice rattles)
(Vince) Oh, dear.
Tough decision.
(whirs loudly)
(Vince in French)
(Gwen in French)
Do you have to talk French all the time?
He has to practise for his A levels.
(loud clanging)
Actually.
(washing machine whirs in distance)
- Sorry. - (exhales)
- (laughs) - (distant clatter)
(Vince) What was that?
- (Sheila) Turn it off. - (Vince) I've turned it off!
Pull the plug out!
(scraping)
Sit on it or something! Oh!
- (slicing) - (screams)
(heavy thudding)
(Vince) Mum!
- (thudding intensifies) - (Sheila groans)
(Sheila screams)
What's going on with this thing?
(metallic screeching)
(gasps)
(exhales sharply)
(exhales)
(indistinct)
- (chime) - (automated voice) Till number two.
(man) Thanks for coming in, Sheila.
Look at that, still finding pine needles everywhere. (laughs)
All over our sofa back home as well. Must get a plastic tree next year.
Yeah, we must. How's it going, Sheila?
- Yeah, everything's fine. - (man) Ah.
What happened to your hand?
Nothing much. Washing machine went bananas.
Well, we know a very good repair company if you need anyone.
- What's that, Staverton's? - Yeah. Staverton's Wash. In your area.
They did wonders with our machine, didn't they, Clive?
Yeah, they did. A really good mechanic.
So how are things going? Do you feel on top of things at the moment?
Yeah, I think so.
We didn't see you at the Christmas bowling the other week.
Oh, I think I had a lot on with my son that night.
Hmm. Interesting.
Sheila, Pete Mathinson spoke to us the other day.
Now he's really impressed with how you're all doing. Lots of good feedback.
Yeah, he also noticed how attuned you were to the Waingel's Wavelength.
Yeah. One thing he flagged with us though.
He wasn't sure about your handshake.
Pete thinks you're doing really well, likes the way you smell as well,
but to tell you the truth, the handshake did come up
and Pete commented on how perhaps it wasn't meaningful enough.
Sheila, Pete wanted you to have this article here.
Um... It's about the importance of a meaningful handshake.
Sure, I'll take a look.
(man) It's written in a fun, easy language
and there's a cartoon at the end that summarises the key points.
And Sheila, if you want, we'd be happy to try out a role-play scenario
- which involves handshaking. - It doesn't have to be a bank scenario.
We have a range of costumes we could all try on.
- It's OK, I'll practise at home. - Hm.
One other thing, Sheila.
One of your colleagues noticed that you tend to visit the ladies' room
prior to clocking out for feeding time.
Who told you this?
It wouldn't be professional of us to say her name.
I normally clock out and instantly leave the building.
Well, if it's a one-off we understand,
but we just wanted to flag it up with you, in case Pete finds out.
A minute or two might not seem significant,
but when we spoke to your colleague,
she did some calculations and rightly reminded us
that if these unwarranted toilet visits were to take place
at an estimate of two minutes per visit,
you would accrue over four hundred minutes every year.
And to tell you the truth, two minutes for a visit to the toilet is generous.
Well, in my experience it's two and a half.
I timed myself right before this meeting.
(sighs) It was a one-off, I can assure you.
Whoever it was who informed you of my transgression
obviously doesn't notice that I'm regularly in ten minutes early.
Maybe you could do the maths on that.
- What do you think? - Is fantastic.
And the shawl?
The shawlest vantage praises January customer
for she is in purchase of our sacred domain. Cheers.
It's a little tight around the shoulders.
I knew I'd need a size up after Christmas.
When your stature is emphasised, it is my duty to provide you
with a notion of proportion that reflects your ideal of dimension.
Wait here.
(eerie echoing noise)
Our perspectives on the spectres of mortality
must not be compromised by an askew index of commerce.
- (ripping) - (assistant gasps)
I'm sorry.
The model, the affliction.
What happened?
A calamity.
Imagine. Jill Woodmere. Yes, she.
Our range in garments she defined through a rapture of display.
And here, the last dress she wore. Oh, how she adored it.
I'm sorry.
The rhombic coat?
The rhombic coat, yes. I'll try it on.
Sorry, one last thing.
How many of those dresses were in stock?
One. Only the one.
And the model wore that same dress?
Yes. But imagine, she extensively showered before that photograph.
(moans)
(Sheila) Vince?
(knocking at door)
Vince?
(dialling tone)
(gentle, old Greek music)
Zach? Sheila, box number 6832.
I have some love vouchers here with some exciting discounts.
That's if you don't mind sharing a pudding with me.
(vibrator buzzes)
- (moans) - (vibrator buzzes)
(moaning continues)
- (Zach) You look familiar, you know? - Oh, no, don't scare me.
Seriously, I've seen you somewhere before, I don't know where, but...
Do you bank at Waingel's?
Ah, I thought it was something like that.
I remember now. You fined me for going over my limit!
Oh, not me, I don't fine. I just follow orders from above.
I think I still have a letter from you
asking me to make an appointment with your managers.
You were kind of stern, but I liked it.
(laughs)
(distant moaning)
(vibrator buzzes)
(Gwen screams)
(screams echo)
(screams)
- What happened? What happened? - (screams)
(Vince) It's OK, it's OK.
- (Gwen pants) - (Vince) Come here, it's OK.
(slow song)
It's hard to make friends in this town.
I know.
Is it just me?
No, it's OK. Don't think about it.
It's hard to make friends here, it really is.
You met many others through this?
A few. You?
One or two. (sighs)
I don't need to meet anyone anymore.
Me neither.
"You who wear me will know me."
What's that supposed to mean?
(Zach) It's just a design feature.
Cheap bit of mystery.
You think anyone buying these things gives a damn what it all means?
(scrapes pan)
Would you think I'm bonkers
if I told you I think something's wrong with that dress?
(Zach) Of course not.
I haven't met a woman who didn't think there was something wrong with a dress.
A woman who modelled it died.
And? Half the clothes I bought in the charity shop are from people who died.
Don't run yourself around all this hocus pocus.
Personally, I like you in it.
- Really? - (Zach) Yeah, really.
- You're not just saying that? - (Zach) You look good in it.
OK, you look good in most things,
but that dress definitely shows you off.
Put it on.
Don't tell me you're scared of a dress?
(Zach) You don't want to go into town today?
Oh, it's a nightmare on Saturdays.
Why don't we stay here? You know, acclimatise you to Vince.
No one's rushing you there.
I just think it'll be good for him to see me back on my feet a little bit.
He was a little short with me on the phone.
- He's in a bad way. - (man shouts in the distance)
The separation really got to him.
Not helped by my ex trying to pit him against me.
- (Zach) Join the club. - (man) Darren!
- (screams) - (dog growls)
- No! - (man) Darren, get off!
Get off! Get off, Darren!
- Darren, get off! - (fabric rips)
- (Zach) Get off! Get off! - (screams) My leg!
- (dog growls) - (Zach) Get it off!
- (fabric rips) - (screams)
(man) Darren, you bastard! Darren!
- (door slams) - (Vince) Mum!
- Mum! - Up here!
(Vince) Took me ages to get your stuff!
They asked for my ID and everything then they gave me some punk's rucksack.
I've no idea why they...
Vince, this is Zach.
A friend from work.
Pleased to meet you.
All right. Where do you want me to put these, then?
No point, they're all ripped to pieces.
Eh? This one's not ripped.
- Of course it's ripped. - It's brand spanking new, almost.
It should be ripped.
The dog ripped it to pieces. It should be ripped!
I tell you, it should be ripped!
(metallic squeaking)
(pants)
(metallic squeaking)
- (pants) - (metallic squeaking)
(pants)
(metallic squeaking)
I have reached the dimension of remorse, Sheila Woolchapel. The dress.
I can't claim with its reacceptance if its purchase is not evidenced.
I had the receipt.
I don't know where it's gone.
Look, honestly, I don't need the refund.
Just let me exchange it for something else.
A casual exchange seldom expresses a lady's self-assurance
- and her embodiment of fashion... - You know what? Just take the dress.
I don't need anything back, just take it.
Lamentations can be fairly addressed to Miss Kolliston.
Distinction avows her noble hearing. Psst! Psst!
Forget it.
Like a whisper in an ocean, like a feather in a storm,
a dress of deduction finds its character in a prism of retail abstraction.
I don't understand.
Miss Luckmoore experienced a transaction of ecstasy,
and I ask if you could mutually sanctify her claim?
Look, this is nothing personal, but I'm done with the sales, thank you.
But your dismissal of such a prestigious consumerist festivity leaves me bereft.
Did Miss Luckmoore engage with the doctrine of the store
and did the experience consolidate your perception of the paradigm of retail?
I've got to go back to work.
Just a goodwill gesture for the inaugural consumer.
A fantastic offer, I inferred to myself in jest.
I just don't see why I couldn't return this dress.
The very purpose of this seasonal retail occasion is to expunge.
Returning what has already left
the ladies' fashion boutique of Dentley and Soper's Trusted Department Store
goes against the nature of things.
Such a pretty dress.
I hope Adonis complimented you.
Pitcroft!
(door opens)
- (door closes) - How's your leg, Sheila?
(man) Better, thank you.
Clive knows the local vet
and he can confirm that he destroyed the dog on your behalf.
(Clive) He also wanted you to know
that he took great pleasure in denying the dog its last biscuit.
It must be a pain not being able to drive.
The doctor reckons I can start back tomorrow.
Oh, good, good. Um, Sheila, can we have a word?
Of course.
(sighs)
How was your weekend?
Well, interesting.
(Clive) Anything nice in the sales?
Just a dress, but that was the other week.
Good bargains.
Sheila, I was pleased to see your name down on the bowling list again.
Even though I don't think you should be in Ruth's team, but still,
we have a nice balance of numbers this month, so well done.
Should be an interesting match.
Yeah. Looking forward to it.
Now, Sheila, we caught up with Pete Mathinson this morning.
Really meaningful meeting, um...
just reviewing where we're going with various things.
He was very impressed with how you're getting on, all good.
Only he mentioned that you waved at his mistress
just by Landrake's tuck shop last weekend.
Yeah, I remember, she waved back.
Hm. You see, she asked Pete to call up a meeting about the incident
and we all came to the conclusion
that the waving can only be construed as informal salutation.
I don't understand.
Technically, the mistress of a boss is classified as a superior
according to company policy,
hence her surprise at such a casual mode of greeting.
Yeah, she urged us to term it as insolent salutation
but she gets ahead of herself sometimes.
She smiled. She waved back!
Sheila, when we worked at the other branch in town
we had a member of staff very similar to you; diligent, hard working.
Only, Clive and I noticed a core of the inscrutable about her.
Not remotely on the Waingel's Wavelength.
We didn't think anything of it until we discovered she was in the habit
of injecting foolhardy substances into her bloodstream on a regular basis.
(Clive) Now we're not suggesting you're inclined that way.
But nonetheless, a story shared and all that.
And those mysterious toilet breaks before feeding time.
One mysterious toilet break.
You would tell us if there was something?
Then we can keep Pete and the Police Force out of this.
Well, it's just been busy with my son and the school holidays.
What's wrong, Sheila? You can tell us.
Nothing! Just a few bad sleeping dreams.
Can you give us an example?
Well, just this one the other night, um...
I was very close to my mother, in real life, I mean.
My father died when I was young and she and I grew even closer.
I loved her dearly.
I didn't have enough space to store all her things after she died,
which always makes me sad.
I gave everything to charity, but wished I'd kept something.
But in this sleep, I found one of her old dresses.
It smelt of her perfume, which I hadn't come across in years.
Brought me right back, made everything feel all right again.
I put the dress on and I looked in the mirror,
but it wasn't me at all.
It was my mother from the grave
with the same jet-black dyed hair.
I remember when she bought this dye.
She was so fed up of the old ones dripping off in the rain,
but this one was permanent. More than her flesh.
I caught a bus and everyone hid under their seats when they saw me.
Racists.
I stank of my mother's corpse.
The stench made the driver vomit
and we went off a cliff and I woke up.
And what colour was the bus?
It was the colour of Thames Valley-on-Thames.
Yeah, it was that colour.
(door slams)
I'm dropping some stuff off at the charity shop
if you've got anything that needs taking.
Is that a yes or a no?
(Vince) Maybe!
Well, you go on Monday, then.
And don't forget to bring the stuff on the back seat. Yes?
(Vince) Yes!
OK. I'll see you in the morning. I've left you some food in the fridge.
(Vince) Where are you going?
I'm gonna stay with someone.
(Vince) What? You mean slaphead?
His name's Zach.
(Vince) I thought you said he was a mate.
Well, he's something more than that now.
(woman on radio) What I always do is, because I love queueing for the sales,
I find it really exciting, and I have done it all night, actually.
Yes, it's great fun.
There's a great camaraderie, you know.
And everybody's good. They keep your place
while you go and get an all-night coffee or something like that.
But the advice I always give, when you go in, don't follow the crowd,
because they all go up the main central escalator.
But I always dive to the side of the store
where I know there's another staircase and run up there to the first floor
because I know what I want because I'd been the week before
and I knew I wanted this, you know, particular dress.
- And there it was... - (Sheila gasps)
(car engine revs)
- (screams) - (tyres screech)
(screams)
(glass smashes)
(groans)
(gasps)
(groans)
(phone rings)
(ringing continues)
(Sheila, upset) You've reached 01632 960786.
I'm not in right now, but if you leave a message I'll get straight back to you.
(answerphone beeps)
(woman) Pick up the phone, it's the Police Force.
Pick up the phone this instant.
- (shop bell rings) - (man reads football scores on radio)
(clothes rack squeaks)
(assistant) If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.
(woman) Oh, thank you.
Oh, that does look nice on you.
Really? I might freeze to death in this.
Think about your summer cruise along the Adriatic
with the breeze running through that dress
as you sip your sparkling wine with the captain on deck.
- (shop bell rings) - (door closes)
(sighs) I can't afford a cruise this summer.
Well, if you need any help, just let me know.
(woman) Thank you.
(man) All right, mate. Just that, please.
Welcome to Amesos, dear guest. My name is Sandro. And you are?
Uh... Reg Speaks.
(Sandro) May I take your lucky order?
Just a kebab will be fine. And chips.
Kebab and chips, instantly.
Uh... Sorry, no bags on the table. Is not nice. And drinks?
- (men cheer) - Reggie!
(men chant) Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it!
- (cheering) - (man) Oi, oi!
I'm soaked!
(man laughs) Never mind, Reg. Never mind.
As your best man, I come equipped, excuse me, for every eventuality.
You need new clothing? Look no further. (laughs)
I always knew you had a feminine side.
What choice has he got with Babs around?
Well, don't just look at it. I didn't just buy it for the missus, you know!
- I can't put it on in here. - (mimics) "I can't put it on in here."
- Go on, get it on. - It won't fit me.
It'll fit you, don't worry about that, go on.
Yeah, come on, you big girl's blouse, get it on!
- Come on, Reg! Don't let the side down! - (laughter)
(cheering)
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Wait, where's the dummy? - Oi! Clipper!
(laughter)
(man) Speech! Speech
(men chant) Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
Oh, you bloody tosspot. I'll do it, all right?
Reg here has been hanging around my house,
or more specifically, my daughter's bedroom, since he was 17.
Now we all love Reg, don't we? Don't we?
I mean, he always gets a round in, good at five-a-side,
and I gotta say, he's always good around Babs.
And that ain't no easy task.
- You can say that again. - (laughter)
But seriously, we've got a good 'un here.
He's solid, our Reg.
But if you ever, ever mess with my Babs,
I'll take you straight down, make no mistake. You got that?
Steady on, Bananas.
No, no, it has to be said. Best to get it out of the way now.
- Now come on, son. Give us a hug! - (men cheer)
- No, no, no, come on, that's enough! - Reg Speaks! I salute you! (laughs)
- To Reg and Babs! - (men) To Reg and Babs!
And here's to your first divorce!
Oi, oi! Less of that, all right?
(disco music)
(men jeering in the distance)
(voice echoes)
(echoing voice continues)
(men laugh)
(woman) But he doesn't have to roll his eyes at every suggestion I make.
It's always this "I know better" attitude whenever I deal with Andre.
At this rate, I'll get Reg to DJ, assuming he recovers.
It's a chamber of booze and methane in here.
I'm surprised it hasn't killed the canary.
No idea.
He'll stuff it down him and it's always the same. He never puts on any weight.
No idea how the jammy bastard does it. It's so unfair.
(canary cheeps)
Look, let me know if Andre is willing to be more flexible with the music
otherwise we don't pay. Simple as that.
Exactly. See you later.
Oi! Stop squeezing my spots, yeah?
Knew that would wake you.
Just ease it on, Babs.
Good night, then?
Wish I had a tape of you banging on about how you weren't gonna drink.
It's not the drink, it's just a dirty kebab.
Yeah, right. Don't know why you hang out with that lot.
You know what they'll get you into.
We didn't do anything. It's just a dirty kebab.
Dirty kebab my arse, Reg Speaks.
All you had to do was not accept the drinks.
I didn't want to let the side down.
You gonna lay in bed like that all day?
You know Andre now wants to do a soundcheck?
(groans)
What's a... What's a soundcheck?
He wants to check all the gear.
He says it takes three hours. It's gonna cut right through the wedding.
It's just playing records, innit?
Well, you speak to him, then.
I can't deal with that weasel-mouthed diva any more.
Every time I question something,
he just comes back at me claiming he's a perfectionist.
Not now, yeah?
- What's that? - Huh? What?
(screwdriver clicks)
Oi! Cottrell wants to take you on.
(sighs) About what?
You didn't invite him to the stag.
But, I-I didn't think it was his thing.
You try telling that to Cottrell.
Gary said you wanted to see me.
(woman) So how long's it gonna take to get that spare whatever you call it?
- Probably about ten days. - (woman) Ten days?
Well, could be sooner if I can get one of my colleagues to drop it over.
- Too busy to do it yourself? - I'll be on my honeymoon then.
Honeymoon? Oh. Congratulations.
And what's the destination? Tenerife?
Uh, Lost John's Cave. Up in Lancs.
- The wife's got a thing about caves. - (woman) Oh.
- Already calling her the wife? - She's called me worse.
And what's the wife's name?
Her name's Babs. She works at Ambrook's Razors, dispatch manager.
Ambrook's? Yeah, my sister used to go out with a bloke from Ambrook's.
Really nice fella, too.
Oh, that, um... that must be Phil Keeble.
Why? No one else nice at Ambrook's?
What's your fiancée like?
She's all right, yeah.
How long have you been together?
Fourteen, fifteen years. Something like that.
(woman) Why get married now?
I dunno. It's just always been Babs.
You've never been out with anyone else?
- (Reg) No. - Never tempted?
Not really. It's just Babs.
(woman) You're telling me you never ever get tempted?
You never even look at another woman walking down the street?
I can see there's also a problem with the way the belt rides over the pump pulley.
Small-talk time's up, then?
I've got Mrs Beckley up the road at five.
Really?
What's your name, young sir?
Uh, Reg Speaks.
Reg Speaks.
My ex-husband used to say he never looked at other women.
He's probably selling the same lie to his new wife as we speak.
What I'd give to know what goes on in the male mind.
Any thoughts?
It doesn't ride properly over the transmission drive.
All that tension on the belt
is creating havoc with the washers on the clutch shaft.
The transmission mounting bolts have come loose,
which might have been affecting the washer.
The clutch assembly seems to have lost connection with the low-speed solenoid,
but I can check the motor wiring at the transmission block.
The agitator hub seems to be intact along with the transmission shaft,
but the plungers are no longer fitting into the wigwags.
If you let me have a look at the wigwag terminals,
I can be more specific about the problem,
but looking at it now,
I can see the wigwag drive shaft is no longer working... (voice fades)
(no sound)
Why did you invite Chris Dale to the wedding?
Not now.
In other words, yet another pointless guest of yours.
- He taught me judo. - Yeah, when you were 17
and even then you legged it when Roj Lines wanted your dinner money!
Half the people on that list never bothered to invite us to their weddings.
And you can definitely drop Greg and Tina.
- Why? - Because they invited themselves!
Other thing with them is that opens the door to Dave and Sarah,
Justin and Linda, Nick and Charlie, and Adrian and Russ.
Invite Greg and Tina
and you automatically have to invite those jokers as well.
Nip it in the bud.
- Are you listening? - Yes!
(Babs) Look.
What do you think?
It's all right, yeah.
Wash the stink out and it could be all right on me.
You like me in it?
Yeah. Maybe try it with some tights.
Why?
I dunno. It's a bit nippy out there.
I've told you a million times, they make my legs itch.
You don't need anything else with this.
It's fine by itself, look.
Where did Clipper get it from?
Some shop or other, I dunno.
It's a size 36.
How come you fit into it?
Yeah.
- You listening? - I like it, yeah!
(Babs) You don't get it, do you? How comes you fit into a size 36?
(eerie echoing noise)
(echoing voices)
Reg!
- (Reg) Not the fleece! - It stinks! Wear the other one.
(Mr Lundy whispers) Like a whisper in an ocean, like a feather in a storm,
a dress of deduction finds its character in a prism of retail abstraction.
(Babs) See? It's a 38 and it's tight.
- Get a size up, then. - (Babs) So, you think it's tight?
No, I thought that's what you just said.
(mutters) Bloody useless.
(groans)
(sighs)
(man groans)
Villainy! Now the horrid repercussions will abate your rank, madam!
You!
(Babs) Over 45 minutes they had me on hold and then the line goes dead.
That's my whole lunch break gone.
(Reg) You could've had your sandwiches while you were on hold.
(Babs) How am I supposed to eat if I'm all worked up like that?
I should've never gone for that store card.
All that bloody hassle just for a stupid free umbrella
which you ended up losing.
Even when I went in there to try and cancel it,
the woman kept me waiting for 30 minutes.
No apology, nothing.
Reg?
Reg? Reg, are you listening?
Reg?
(woman) Let me just try this on you.
See if it fits.
There, that'll keep you warm and cosy.
He's very patient, isn't he? Not like most of the boys we get in here.
What's your name, young sir?
(Bab) Reginald! Get a move on or we're going to miss the badminton.
You need to ask Clipper where he got it from.
Knowing him, it's some second-hand shop.
(Reg) What's that got to do with it?
(Babs) Think about it! We both got the same rash, we both wore the dress.
You never heard of scabies?
Reg? Reg!
What?
- (Babs) You think we'll need a new one? - Hopefully not. Let's see, yeah?
- (Babs) What was wrong with it? - Basket drive went bananas.
The basket drive?
Yeah, the basket drive. Just went bananas.
And the spin tube bearings are knackered.
I tried to check the clutch surface for any damage
and found that the rivets were rubbing up against the clutch pulley.
There's also the possibility that the drain hose is kinked,
but I can put that into writing for you after a more thorough inspection.
The clutch plate is no longer a plate
and the switch striker is neither switching nor striking.
If I can get to the wigwag solenoid,
there is a chance I can find out why the washer didn't drain.
The blocked pump isn't helping matters and the agitator leaves me at a loss.
I can also see that the wigwag terminals are not where they're supposed to be,
which leads me to the conclusion
that this washing machine is dysfunctional...
(voice fades)
(wind howls)
(screwdriver clicks)
- Oi! Cottrell's looking for you. - What now?
One of your neighbours reported you. Just tell me you didn't do it.
I had to, it was an emergency.
You know the rules, Reg!
You fix your own machine, it still has to go through the books.
- I bought my own spare parts. - And? Who paid for your training?
You've really let the side down, do you know that?
Now get in there before Cottrell takes me on as well.
(sniffs)
- (Babs) I've had it with Andre. - (door slams)
If he vetoes one more song,
I'm gonna stick that turntable up his miserable backside!
(Bananas) Where'd you learn to talk like that?
Oh, it's easy for you to say. You're not the one having to deal with him.
Every time I say no to something, he just says, "Why? Why? Why?"
(Reg) Maybe I can make a compilation tape.
- Save us a bit of money too. - You're joking, right?
Your record collection wouldn't even get a flea jumping.
Ease it on, Babs. I'm only trying to help.
(Babs) What's this doing down here?
(Reg) Sorry, I didn't see that there.
- What are you doing? They stay there. - Why?
(groans loudly)
Now come in the kitchen you two. I've got a cheesecake for you both.
Oh, lovely. Cheers, darling.
You're not worried?
- About what? - That.
It's probably just the washing powder we use.
- You don't think it's scabies? - No.
- An allergy? - No.
- Something venereal? - You tell me.
- I haven't slept around. - Me neither.
- Does that mean you love me, then? - Yeah.
(canary cheeps)
(wings flap frantically)
(clattering)
(Babs) She's asphyxiated.
(Reg) How can a dress asphyxiate it?
Well, how else did she die? She's barely a year old.
- Could be carbon monoxide. - We'd be dead then.
- Not if it's a small leak. - You're scaring me now.
I'll come back and take a look on my lunch break.
No way can you get home and back in an hour.
Go off to work. I'll look at it during lunch.
- If the flame turns orange, call me. - Yeah, yeah.
What are you doing?
Uh... You're going to be late.
Go! Before Cottrell shoves a firework up your backside.
Reg, go! I've got to do my hair.
(Clive) Thanks for coming in, Reg.
When our neighbour heard you were coming in for a loan,
- he wanted to pass on his greetings. - Oh, who was that?
(Clive) Mr Watlington, your physics teacher.
Oh, right.
(man) He also wanted to pass on his apologies for hitting you so often.
It's OK.
It was a bit of a Reg Speaks evening, in fact.
(chuckles) He kept telling us about you at school,
and to tell you the truth, he was sad to hear about your finances
when we showed him your loan application.
Now, with that in mind, of course,
we'd love to consider your thoughtful request.
But given that Staverton's kicked you out,
we're somewhat reluctant to sign it off.
What about here? I heard there was a job going.
(Clive) Sorry, that's taken, I'm afraid.
Though I did see a sign at Dentley and Soper's saying they were looking for someone
in the male alliance of clothing and costume.
No, no, but looking in the sense
- that one of the staff has disappeared. - Oh.
They're just trying to find him. They're not advertising a job.
Oh, silly me. It's my mistake.
Now, the only loan we can offer is the deferred employment package.
DEP.
It's what we like to call a motivational loan.
It helps our customers get back on their feet
and back into the job market.
With that kind of interest rate?
That's just advisory.
Reg, Clive and I had someone over from Staverton's a few years back
and we still think a lot about
how nicely he talked us through the whole process of fixing our machine.
And we thought seeing as we'll be having Reg Speaks in the room,
maybe he could do something similar for us?
It would mean a lot to us, Reg.
But there's no machine here.
You could pretend there's one.
(Clive) Nobody needs to know.
But I can't just...
Just try. Then we can look at more favourable rates for you.
It'll be fun.
Um...
Plungers on old machines tend to stop retracting,
which means a knock-on effect with the washer.
A-Also the belt drive had come off.
The inlet valve might have been blocked, but I can't verify that.
It s-seems...
It's OK. It's OK, Reg. No one's forcing you.
If it helps. we could kick it off in a role-play scenario.
Yeah. A lot of loan applicants find our Tudor courtroom scenario
puts them at ease.
(Clive) Clothes still needed washing then.
That's right. (chuckles)
What's the matter, Reg?
You spoke so clearly and nicely when you first came in.
Oh, no, um, nothing.
I-I'm just a bit tender these days, that's all.
How come?
Just a sleeping dream I had last night. It's been on my mind all day.
(Clive) Interesting.
We're here for you Reg. Sometimes it can help to discuss these things.
Well, Babs, my fiancée, was in labour.
I was late, so at that point, the door was locked.
I tried to take on her pain just to make her feel better.
(screams)
(no sound)
(Babs screams)
(no sound)
(Reg) I kept screaming to show how much I cared,
but it just seemed to annoy everyone.
I kept knocking on the window in the hope that they'd let me in.
(screams)
(no sound)
The baby came out of Babs in this dress that looked exactly the same
as the one I wore on my stag night at ZinZan's.
I wanted to wave at my little girl, but she wasn't having it.
She made it clear that I should sling my hook.
(no sound)
- (man) What was her name? - Babs Junior.
Interesting.
Reminds me of a dream Stash and I had when we put the sand dunes in the wash.
Oh, yeah, that. Kept bypassing the spin cycle, I remember now.
Was it an old machine?
No, no, it was brand new. Wasn't it, Stash?
Yeah, very strange.
Did you check the belt if it was broken or loose?
That could have been the problem with it.
(Stash) That's what we were wondering, but maybe it was something else.
What do you think, Reg?
It's probably a problem with the wigwag and its rotational pull.
Plungers on doors sometimes don't align with the seal,
but the lid switch is often to blame.
The inner tub might've sustained serious dents
resulting in the belt drive loosening or coming off,
but that's usually a problem with older machines.
The lid switch and its actuator, the motor coupler or door lock assembly
are the first things to check when a new machine bypasses the spin cycle.
The agitator drive shaft and spin tube linked to the transmission
can come loose from the tub struts.
If the helix doesn't release the brake
and the belt tensioner doesn't allow slippage... (voice fades)
Imagine,
trading will cease at a premature hour on this, the twelfth day of sales.
There lie other boutiques to your discernment.
But I'm in the store now.
You can't just turf me out. Customer rules and all that.
You must conclude your perusal immediately, then.
Excuse me? I've worked in retail.
Once the customer steps through the door,
you see it through to the last. That's what I had to do.
The doors you passed through are doors in perpetual revolve
and thus not a veritable indication
of the time in which you thought you might have set heel
in Dentley and Soper's Trusted Department Store, mate.
You call those doors revolving?
Hm-hmm.
Listen, I'm here to choose a dress, yeah?
Pick something up, try it on, pay for it, and then leave you in peace.
By the time you've thought of another excuse to get me out, I'll be done,
mate!
This dress. So shabby, so unkempt.
We have rules here about presentation, about hygiene, about conduct.
A required pedigree of shopping
is an aspiration we flowerfully seal to our hearts.
Please, return in a different dress and we will welcome you back.
If you let me buy a new dress, I will.
(in distance) Psst!
I now announce you extension time. Congratulations.
I never thought I'd say this,
but you lot could all do with a good shag.
(both laugh)
(laughs)
(distorted synth music)
Such an intimate document of finesse and joy.
Nice to see a catalogue with ladies bigger than me for once.
Pray tell, your measurements would be?
- Guess. - Thirty-six.
- Really? - Thirty-six.
You're not just saying that?
Thirty-six.
Thirty-six. I had a sleeping dream I was a size thirty-six.
And I went out with my friends to ZinZan's to celebrate,
but it wasn't ZinZan's.
It was here.
That was where it was.
It was in this room and in this catalogue.
Every image was of me in this slip getting skinnier and skinnier,
but the measurements written next to me
were getting bigger and bigger.
I rang the staff bell for assistance.
Two ladies came to my aid and told me
to put my head between my knees
whilst they tried to correct the catalogue.
(whispers) 36, 38.
(whispering)
36, 38.
(whispering)
(pencil scribbles)
(whispering continues)
36, 38.
(whispering continues)
(hinges creak)
(thud)
(Babs) And then they buried me.
Here in this Trusted Department Store.
And then they buried me.
(yawns)
Your changing room is waiting for you
and your dress to coalesce into a simple union of wonder.
(whispering)
(synth music)
(tannoy) Attention, consumers. Attention, consumers.
Your shopping will conclude now.
Pay us for your items and return to your houses.
(whispering)
(thud)
(coins jingle)
Thank you very much. Goodbye.
Goodbye to you too, dear Audrey. (blows kiss) Fantastic.
There will be this asphodel blouse and a pair of those funeral stockings.
Instantly!
Excuse me, I was here first.
No, you weren't.
Going through that tray doesn't give you the right to bypass the queue.
You came here after me.
No, I didn't. Now if you don't mind...
Such fascination of marvel.
Its touch to the skin, its contour on the body.
I will be served first. There'll be this cinnamon bra.
Thank you very much.
(gasps) Ladies!
(gasps) Hey!
- (groans) - (shoppers gasp)
(distant yelling)
- (groans) - (shoppers gasp)
(screaming)
(synth music)
(shoppers yell)
(distant yelling)
(gasps)
(yelling continues)
(woman screams)
(gasps)
(alarm sounds)
(Babs pants)
Blame! Blame!
(alarm continues)
- (banging on door) - (Babs yells)
(Luckmoore) Blame! Blame!
(alarm continues)
(tannoy) A dramatic affliction
has compromised our Trusted Department Store.
Get out graciously.
(screaming)
A dramatic affliction has compromised our Trusted Department Store.
- Get out graciously. - (Babs cries)
- (alarm continues) - (screaming)
A dramatic affliction has compromised
- our Trusted Department Store. - (banging)
Get out graciously.
(screaming)
A dramatic affliction has compromised our Trusted Department Store.
Get out graciously.
(evil laughter)
(distorted) A dramatic affliction has compromised
our Trusted Department Store.
Get out graciously.
(evil laughter)
(distorted) A dramatic affliction has compromised
our Trusted Department Store. Get out graciously.
(evil laughter)
(distorted) A dramatic affliction has compromised
our Trusted Department Store. Get out graciously.
(evil laughter)
(alarm continues)
(distorted announcement)
(evil laughter)
(distorted announcement)
(evil laughter)
(distorted announcement)
(evil laughter)
(distorted announcement)
(evil laughter)
(sewing machine whirs)
(lift creaks)
(creaking)
(sewing machine whirs)
(creaking)
(sewing machine whirs)
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